The Leaving of Liverpool

by Lyn Andrews

  Life for Phoebe-Ann hadn’t improved. Jake did make the effort to get home when he could, but the days and nights were long. She had seen her brothers twice on the street and both times they had cut her dead, crossing to the other side of the road. Emily came when she could but that wasn’t often because it had to be dark and the evenings were getting longer. She was at work all day. Sometimes she thought that if it hadn’t been for her work and Alice and Ginny she would have gone mad. She’d changed; it would have been a miracle if she hadn’t. She’d grown up and she’d become quieter. Jake couldn’t, or wouldn’t, understand how she felt and he even seemed to have given up trying lately.

  He’d been full of profuse apologies after that first row when he’d come home well past midnight, singing and staggering up the road and collapsing in the lobby. But on his last shore leave they’d had another row.

  Jake’s disillusionment was increasing. He’d hoped that, while he’d been away, Phoebe-Ann would have overcome her initial distaste for love making. She hadn’t.

  She’d tried to explain to him but he couldn’t grasp what she was saying.

  ‘It’s no use you goin’ on an’ on about all these feelings an’ imaginings, it’s not solvin’ anything, is it? I’m not a bloody mind-reader nor a bloody monk either! You’re my wife an’ that’s that!’

  ‘Can’t you understand that I can’t help it? I don’t want it to happen, it just does! Something just . . . snaps in my head and I feel so . . .’

  Jake’s eyes narrowed as a thought crossed his mind. ‘Who’s been talkin’ to you, Phoebe-Ann?’

  ‘No-one!’ she shot back, praying he hadn’t heard something about Emily. ‘You know how they’ve all been acting since Mam died! And, that’s another thing, I thought you’d be more sympathetic, more understanding! ’

  ‘I am!’ he retorted hotly. It wasn’t his fault that she had this problem and now she was accusing him of not being sympathetic. All right, he was sorry about her mam, but she should be getting over it now. It wasn’t the end of the bloody world. He stared at her hard. The pretty, laughing, loving girl he’d fallen for was changing and not for the better. Was this what he’d changed his whole life-style for? Why he’d given up all his pleasures; the happy nights spent drinking with his brothers. All right, so they often had too much to drink – nothing to moan about. So, he’d chased other women, again encouraged by his brothers. Aye, they’d had some good times together. If she was going to carry on like this every time he came home . . . He shrugged. ‘I’ve said I’m sorry about your ma a hundred times, now come ’ere and let’s kiss an’ make up.’ He’d winked meaningfully, thinking a light-hearted approach might work.

  ‘You see! You haven’t even been listening to me! How can you think I feel . . . loving, when I can’t get it out of my head that it’s partly my fault that Mam . . . ?’

  Jake’s patience had snapped. ‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, don’t start on that again!’

  ‘Where are you going?’ Phoebe-Ann had cried as he’d snatched up his coat.

  ‘Out! That’s where I’m goin’! I’m goin’ to find somewhere where I can ’ave a bit of a laugh an’ a joke, instead of havin’ to listen to you whingeing on about your ma or your bloody “problem”! What’s got into you, Phoebe-Ann? You’ve changed. Or were you always like this and I was so bloody thick I never noticed?’

  Stung by his callousness, Phoebe-Ann glared at him. ‘I was the thick one, Jake Malone, to think I could expect consideration and understanding from you! To think I could change you. Make you into someone halfway decent! Go on! Go out with your drunken brothers or friends! I don’t care!’

  When the door had slammed behind him, she’d sunk down in a chair and, dropping her head in her hands, she’d cried. ‘Oh, I wish things were different! I never expected it would be like this! Oh, Mam, I’m sorry!’ she’d sobbed, yet she knew what Lily’s response would have been. She would have to get on with it and hope things would improve.

  He’d come home in the same condition as before and that night, after he had tried to placate her, things had once again deteriorated.

  ‘You’re doin’ this on purpose, aren’t you? Tryin’ to punish me?’ Jake cried when she’d fought against his embrace, the familiar revulsion washing over her.

  ‘I’m not! I’m not!’

  ‘You are! You’re makin’ me pay for the way your bloody family treat you and for goin’ out with me brothers!’

  ‘It’s got nothing to do with that!’ she cried.

  ‘I’ve tried, Phoebe-Ann, you can’t say I haven’t! I’m a man an’ I have needs an’ rights too. You can’t go on pushin’ me away!’ Jake’s pride was hurt. No-one knew the way things were between them, at least he hoped not, but Vinny and Peader had made some pointed observations that were too near the truth for comfort.

  ‘Jeasus! Look at the gob on ’im! Mustn’t be gettin’ ’is share at ’ome!’ Vinny had yelled.

  ‘She keepin’ yer short, Jake, lad?’ Peader had put in, after there had been a bit of a row between them.

  Jake felt a cold sweat break out on his body. If they ever found out the truth, his life would be hell. That thought increased his annoyance with Phoebe-Ann. She was making a bloody fool of him! Denying him his rights, making him beg like an eejit for something that was his due. He’d stared down at her. There were lines forming on her face. She was cold and unfeeling and selfish . . . Her face, with its elfin features, alabaster skin and wide blue eyes, reminded him of that of a china doll and it was just as set and hard. A great wave of anger and frustration had engulfed him. He’d given her everything and she’d given him nothing in return. Heedless of her cries and protests, he’d crushed her to him and taken her, roaring in pain as she’d raked his neck and shoulders with her nails. Then she’d gone quiet and rigid and he’d hated that even more than her attempts to fight him. It was as though she didn’t even care enough to summon the energy to reject him and in his anger he’d used her roughly and called her every obscene name he could think of.

  Next morning, he had hardly spoken to her and she’d maintained what she hoped was a cold, dignified silence. When he returned that evening her nerves were still raw, her body still aching and her self-esteem still badly bruised by his taunts. She had let fly at him with all her pent-up anger. He’d yelled back, again accusing her of being cold, unnatural, selfish and a bloody misery to boot and had then stormed out, gone drinking with his brothers and come home blind drunk. She’d screamed at him, calling him every name she could think of and then, exhausted, she’d gone to the bedroom, barricaded the door with a chest, and cried herself to sleep.

  Things had got a little better before he left, but not much. Tiny seeds of doubt had been sown in Phoebe-Ann’s mind and loneliness, boredom and resentment were helping them grow. She’d also had to contend with her mother-in-law, who, emboldened by the fact that she had managed to turn Vinny against her as well as all the others, now sought to regain Jake’s affections and money by bullying Phoebe-Ann.

  Alice had persuaded her to accompany her into town on Saturday afternoon. ‘For heaven’s sake make more of an effort with yourself Phoebe-Ann! You used to be so smart and fashionable!’

  ‘That’s just it. I “used” to be. There’s no reason for it now. I’m a married woman and he’s never at home so what’s the point in getting all dressed up to the nines just for work or to come back here?’

  ‘Oh, there’s no doing any good with you these days! Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to look a hundred. There’s nothing wrong with going to the pictures with me and Ginny either.’

  ‘People would talk.’

  ‘What people and what would they have to talk about? Don’t be so thick. Get your best frock on and we’ll go and do some window shopping, like we used to. Or proper shopping; you’re not short of a bob or two what with your wages and what he leaves you. And tonight we’ll go to the Gaumont and I’m not taking no for an answer!’

  Phoebe-Ann smiled and agr
eed, but the old excitement had gone. What was the point in dressing up just to go and look in shop windows at clothes that it would be pointless buying when she would have no occasion to wear them?

  She hadn’t made much of an effort with herself and Alice commented on the fact. ‘Honestly, what’s happened to you? Your hair needs cutting, it’s straggling on the ends. That style needs to be kept tidy. That lipstick doesn’t suit you at all, it makes you look washed out and where did you get the frock – the rag bag?’

  Ginny nudged her. ‘Shut up and stop gettin’ at her.’

  ‘It’s for her own good.’

  ‘Alice, I know you mean well but what’s the point of it all? I’ve said all this before so let’s leave it at that. When I feel like dressing up, I will.’

  Alice shrugged. ‘When’s he home next?’

  ‘Thursday but it will be late when he gets in. It takes hours from Southampton.’

  ‘Going to Lime Street to meet him?’

  ‘No. He said he won’t know exactly which train he’ll be on. There’s an early one and a late one. No point in me hanging around Lime Street for hours.’

  ‘Do they have bars on those long distance trains?’ Ginny asked, she having never been further away from Liverpool than a day trip to Llandudno.

  Alice glared at Ginny. What a tactless thing to ask. ‘Yes, but I can’t see them serving to third class people.’

  Phoebe-Ann glared at them both. Just what were they implying? That Jake would head for the nearest bar as soon as he left the ship?

  ‘Let’s go and look what they’ve got in Val Smith’s. I’m sure I heard someone say they’ve got some gorgeous little caps that completely cover your hair, made in that glittery stuff. The latest thing they are.’

  Phoebe-Ann looked interested and Alice was quick to notice. If she could just get Phoebe-Ann interested in herself again it would be a start. She was certain that things between her friend and Jake Malone were far from rosy.

  They were all peering into the window of the large and very fashionable millinery establishment when two young ladies, dressed in the height of fashion and carrying hat boxes, came out. The pavement was crowded and Phoebe-Ann stood back to let them pass. Then a smile lit up her face. One of them was Olivia Mercer.

  ‘Miss Olivia!’

  Olivia turned. ‘Phoebe-Ann Parkinson, is that you?’

  ‘Yes, miss, but it’s not Parkinson any more. I’m married.’

  Olivia looked her up and down. ‘Oh, you poor thing! It doesn’t suit you at all, Phoebe-Ann. You don’t look the same person. You were always so bright and attractive. What have you done to yourself? No, I definitely think being married doesn’t suit you. What does he do, your husband?’

  Phoebe-Ann was so shocked she stammered that he went away to sea, whereupon Olivia enthused effusively about her cruise until her friend caught her arm and reminded her that they had another appointment.

  ‘The bitch! The snotty bitch!’ Alice cried indignantly as the pair drove off. ‘Fancy saying that to anyone. She’s got a nerve! Not “How are you?” “How nice to see you.” No, she goes and insults you!’ She could see the dazed, hurt look on Phoebe-Ann’s face. ‘Let’s go and get a cup of tea. Lyon’s is the nearest.’

  Olivia’s words rang in Phoebe-Ann’s head and she peered at herself in the shop windows they passed on their way to the tea rooms. Did she really look so dull and drab? Maybe that’s why Jake had preferred the company of his awful brothers. She’d been too upset about Mam and everything to care much about how she looked. He should have understood that, but she was finding that ‘understanding’ wasn’t one of Jake’s strong points.

  ‘Alice, she’s right,’ she admitted over the tea table.

  ‘I told you you were letting yourself go, but she still could have put it in a nicer way, especially as you haven’t seen each other for years.’

  ‘I think I will spend some money on myself and I’ll come out with you tonight, too.’

  ‘Thank God for that! She’s just decided to join the human race again,’ Alice smiled.

  She’d bought a new dress and hat and shoes and she was walking from the tram with Alice, Ginny having left them for she lived in the opposite direction.

  ‘Don’t look now but your dear mother-in-law is coming down the street,’ Alice remarked caustically.

  ‘Oh, blast! There’s nothing I can do to avoid her.’

  ‘You’d better speak to her.’

  Phoebe-Ann stared at the small, malevolent figure with distaste.

  ‘Sure, if it isn’t her ladyship, me daughter-in-law. Been out spendin’ our Jake’s money I see.’

  ‘I have been spending my own money. I work for it.’

  ‘Yez should stay at home like a proper wife. There’s no need for yez to work, wit that posh ’ouse an’ all.’

  ‘What I’ve got and what I do is my own affair.’

  ‘Oh, Miss high an’ bloody mighty!’ Beneath the outward scorn Ma was suspicious, always looking for something she could use against Phoebe-Ann, but having had little contact with her up to now there hadn’t been much. She decided to change tactics. ‘I suppose yez want to be lookin’ yer best for himself comin’ home on Thursday then?’ She poked at the parcels Phoebe-Ann was holding.

  Phoebe-Ann was annoyed to think that she knew the movements of all her sons. ‘As it happens I’m going out with my friends tonight and I fancied some new things.’

  ‘Did yez now an’ where are yez off to?’

  Inwardly Alice groaned. Phoebe-Ann had walked straight into that. Sometimes she was such a fool.

  ‘To the cinema with Ginny and me. No harm in that is there?’ Alice snapped.

  ‘I was speakin’ to the organ grinder not the monkey!’ Ma shot back. ‘Yez ’ardfaced madam.’

  ‘As I said, what I do is my own affair.’ Phoebe-Ann realized too late what her mother-in-law had been fishing for and had found. She nodded curtly and turned away, followed by Alice.

  Ma Malone watched them. Jake had been a fool to marry and even more of a fool to get himself tied up with that bold rossi.

  ‘You’d better go and meet him on Thursday before she gets down there and puts her two pennyworth in,’ Alice advised.

  ‘She wouldn’t do that. She never goes to meet them.’

  ‘That’s because they never manage to stagger home the first night or if they do they’re too drunk to hold a conversation. But I’d go, she’s a wicked old bitch. She’ll be running down there so fast you’d think old Nick was after her.’

  Phoebe-Ann nodded her agreement. One thing she had realized was that you never underestimated Ma Malone.

  Lime Street station was crowded with relatives waiting for the train from Southampton for the Mauretania’s crew were mainly Liverpudlians. Phoebe-Ann wore her new outfit and had had her hair trimmed, and Alice had said she looked just like her old self and he was sure to appreciate it.

  The train arrived in a cloud of steam and people started milling around the ticket barrier. She’d looked for Emily but hadn’t seen her. Then she remembered her saying Edwin didn’t like her being down here so late at night. She peered into the crowd, scrutinizing the faces. She began to get irritable. Why couldn’t he have been in the first wave off instead of leaving her standing waiting while all around her there were happy reunion scenes? But then he wasn’t expecting her to meet him.

  It was Vinny she spotted first, laughing uproariously and hanging on to Franny and her face clouded with annoyance as she saw the group behind them: Peader, Jake and Seamus. All more or less holding each other up. Seamus had obviously spent most of the night in some pub before coming to Lime Street and buying a platform ticket. They were all a bad influence on Jake, she thought, her temper rising, as Vinny and Franny staggered towards her.

  ‘’Ere’s the welcomin’ party, Jake, me boyo!’ Vinny shouted.

  ‘Shut up, Vinny Malone, everyone’s looking at you!’ she snapped.

  ‘Dat’s not very welcomin’, like, is it?’
Franny peered at her closely. ‘Yez’ll do no good with ’er, Jake, she’s gorra cob on!’

  Jake had managed to free himself from his brothers. ‘You look nice, Phoebe-Ann,’ he said affably, despite the fact that for most of the journey home his brothers had mocked and derided him about his wife’s airs and graces.

  ‘Don’t you touch me! You’re drunk – all of you!’

  ‘Oh, aye, that’s a great welcome that, I must say!’ Peader put in.

  ‘You mind your own business!’ She took Jake’s arm. ‘We’re going home.’

  ‘Not before ’e’s seen me ma. I’ve got me instructions,’ Seamus interrupted.

  Phoebe-Ann glared at him. So, she’d sent Seamus down here to bring him to see her first. No doubt to tell him a pack of lies about her going out with Alice and Ginny. ‘I said he’s coming home with me, now!’ A group of people had lingered to watch the argument. It offered a small diversion, but a policeman was also making his way across to them. ‘How dare you make a show of me like this, Jake Malone!’ she hissed, pulling at his arm. ‘You’re a disgrace! You’re disgusting, that’s what you are!’

  He pulled away from her grip. ‘If yer goin’ to carry on like this I’m goin’ ter see me ma.’

  The policeman was within earshot. ‘Jake, please?’

  ‘Leave him alone,’ Seamus interrupted.

  ‘You mind your own bloody business, Seamus Malone! Go on, clear off!’

  ‘I’m not havin’ you speak to me brother like that.’ Jake was also getting annoyed. Who did she think she was coming down here and showing him up in front of everyone – brothers and shipmates and their families?

  ‘Are you coming home?’ Phoebe-Ann was near to tears but she wouldn’t let them have the satisfaction of knowing that.

  ‘When I’ve seen me ma.’