—He’d charged ahead alone, tried to protect things alone, and failed alone.
Crusch’s words calmly tore into Subaru’s bared heart.
“…As you are now, meekly remaining here under my protection, you possess no power that can move me.”
“—!!”
Over and over again, her words crashed into him, exposing Subaru’s helplessness, pressing onto him his ignorance, driving home his spinelessness, and mocking him for being senseless, rash, indiscreet, and ugly, with backhanded sympathy thrown in for good measure.
Subaru was overwhelmed by the realization that absolutely nothing had gone the way he wanted.
Had he made a mistake somewhere? He was only trying to do the right thing. Thinking himself correct, he believed someone would help him, and so he had searched, beseeched, and begged. Wasn’t that what you were supposed to do?
“The Witch Cult is coming! They’re going to slaughter everyone in the village…!”
Subaru pleaded with so much anger and sadness that he felt like his throat was about to burst.
He’d seen it. He’d felt each and every one of their deaths. All the precious people he cared about had turned to white crystal as everything in the world froze over.
If nothing was done, the heartless reality of the situation meant that it was certain. That tragedy would happen again.
Why can’t anyone understand that?
Why won’t people get out of my way and let me prevent such a terrible fate?
“Kill them…just kill them already! Don’t you get it?! You can’t let people like that live! Kill them! Help me, damn it…!!”
Subaru fell to his knees, prostrating himself as he earnestly implored her for assistance.
If he needed to put his forehead to the floor and beg, he would happily play the clown. As long as Crusch would lend her strength, he didn’t mind being looked down upon or insulted. He’d even bark like a dog or cluck like a chicken. As long as his bloodlust could be sated, then—
“—So that is the true motive for your actions?”
But in the face of Subaru’s sincere, unwavering, humiliating plea…
“You hate the Witch Cult. That’s the reason you approached Emilia, is it not?”
—This woman of influence, who never made decisions based on her emotions, held not the slightest shred of pity.
5
Torn apart by her cold voice and gaze, Subaru was speechless, his shoulders trembling. Engulfed by a torrent of emotions, Subaru no longer knew whether he was feeling anger, sadness, or some strange mixture of the two.
“No… I—I just want to save everyone…”
Crusch’s conclusion was off the mark.
The idea that he acted solely because of hatred for the Witch Cult was nothing more than a misunderstanding from an incomplete perspective.
Subaru’s feelings were always rooted in trying to help others, weren’t they?
And yet, he could not raise a single word in rebuttal.
“You cannot deceive others with the lies you tell yourself. Right now, the glint in your eyes can only be called bloodlust or madness. Have you not noticed, Subaru Natsuki?”
Crusch’s gaze was both harsh and yet filled with something that resembled pity.
“They have been like that ever since the moment you returned to the mansion.”
Her dry observation elicited a dramatic reaction from Subaru. Unwittingly, he covered his eyes, as if to find out for himself that which he could not see, even though it only further proved that he could not refute Crusch’s accusation.
“I do not know why you are so obsessed with the Witch Cult. The Cult has perverted the lives of many. Perhaps you are one among them. Perhaps your anger and hatred are entirely just. However, that is irrelevant in these negotiations.”
“Even if—even if I hate the Witch Cult, so what? Th-they’re the blight of this world. It’d be better if you just killed every last one of ’em. It’s true, that’s what I think, but it isn’t a reason to break off negotiations and abandon people…!”
“Do not change the subject again, Subaru Natsuki. It’s true; my suspicion that hatred is the reason for your conduct is unrelated to negotiations. More precisely, the fact that you are unfit to negotiate with me is of great import, for it brings into question the propriety of what you seek to discuss.”
“What do you mean…unfit?”
Subaru, clenching his teeth to the point that they seeped blood, kept lobbing questions in an attempt to cling to something. The end of this conversation meant the end of negotiations. That was his pressing fear.
“If my hypothesis is correct, and the motivation for your actions is an unbridled loathing for the Witch Cult, then I can only wonder if you approached Emilia purely to use her as a stepping-stone in the first place.”
“I…approach her…stepping-stone…?”
“It was clear that if Emilia participated in the royal selection and the circumstances of her birth were made public, the Witch Cult would predictably move according to its beliefs. If someone was hoping to catch the cultists under their thumb despite the fact that it was normally impossible to find even a trace of their activities, no other plan could have greater odds of success.”
“You’re saying I’m using Emilia as a pretense to get revenge?!”
Subaru pounded his fist into the table before him, raising a shout at the unbelievable accusation.
“Do you think your display just now and simply yelling ‘no’ can convince me…? Hatred shows clearly in your eyes, and bloodlust oozes from your every word, the sort that clings to a person so thickly and grows so hard, it can never be scraped away, let alone forgotten.”
—No! No, no, no, no!
Crusch’s statement did not capture Subaru’s true character in the slightest.
“They’re evil whether I hate them or not! You can’t let people like that live! That’s why we should kill them all! That’ll save everyone! It’ll help everybody! No one has to suffer—those bastards just need to die!!”
“I have told you already, Subaru Natsuki. If you do not even believe the lies you tell yourself, there is no chance they will deceive anyone else.”
While Subaru breathed raggedly, his eyes bloodshot, Crusch refuted him in a hard voice. As Subaru’s shoulders heaved, she looked up at him with narrowed eyes from her seat and spoke.
“Bereft of hatred, bloodlust, and bile toward the Witch Cult, your statements are unconvincing.”
“Wh-why…?”
When Subaru spoke with a broken voice, Crusch looked at him with sympathy and pity in her eyes.
“Do you really not understand?”
However, Subaru’s brows furrowed with perplexity at what Crusch was getting at. She lowered her eyes, unable to conceal her disappointment and dismay at his reaction.
“—You have not said, ‘I want to save Emilia,’ even once.”
“…Huh?”
“You claim to want to save people, to protect people, smoothing things over on the surface while darker emotions boil up inside you. At the very least, it is inconsistent with what I saw of you in the throne room.”
Unable to understand the meaning of Crusch’s words, Subaru wavered, his gaze hollow.
—I wasn’t thinking about saving Emilia?
“—”
It couldn’t be true. Ever since he had been transported to this new world, from the first time she had saved his life, Subaru had lived for Emilia. His feelings were no different in the throne room, during the incident at the parade ground, or even during his negotiation with Crusch. If the situation was left to play out as it was, he’d lose her and the village. His actions were for the sake of saving them.
And absolutely, absolutely, absolutely not because hatred had seized his heart—
Abruptly, a voice struck Subaru, breaking the silence.
“I cannot permit you to advance any farther.”
Subaru’s mind was instantly jolted back to reality. In front of
him was Wilhelm, standing straight. The elderly man had placed himself beside the table separating Subaru and Crusch with compassion on his deeply wrinkled face.
For some reason, that downward, tender gaze was really rubbing Subaru the wrong way.
Abruptly, something tugged on his sleeve.
“—Subaru.”
Rem was grasping Subaru’s sleeve, her eyes filled with sadness.
“Please calm down. Nothing will come of losing control here. And if you do, I won’t be able to fight off Master Wilhelm.”
“…Control? What are you talking about? I’d never do anything viole—”
“Wait, wait, wait. Then what do mew intend to do with that tablespoon you’re squeezing so hard? Maybe your parents raised you badly, but that’s not how you hold one, meow.”
When Ferris pointed it out, Subaru realized for the first time that he was holding a tablespoon in his right hand—and that he was crudely gripping it backward, like he was going to stab someone with it.
—How… When did I…?
“Just like Rem pointed out, violence will get you nothing, meow. If you fly into a rage here, I’ll just keep Rem occupied while Old Man Wil slices you in half.”
“Moreover, I do not want to issue such a command. To do so after you have stayed here for several days would cause political problems, and I would rather not stain the carpet that my father sent me as a present.”
In the face of Subaru’s insolence, Crusch still behaved reservedly. This was at once a display of the greatness of her character and scorn for the powerlessness of Subaru, who had nothing to wield in anger save a tiny utensil.
All of it really rubbed him the wrong way.
But instead of an apology, dogged insistence came out of his mouth.
“…So you’re not going to lend a hand, no matter what, then?”
“Correct. Your statements are not credible, nor does cooperating with you hold any attractiveness for my side. Accordingly, I shall observe from a distance.”
“The Witch Cult…is coming. When they get here, they’re going to kill all the people in that village. Knowing but not doing anything means it’ll be your ‘Sloth’ that kills the village.”
Subaru glared at Crusch, invoking the title of a certain despicable madman.
“Quite arrogantly put. Consequently, there is one more thing for me to add.”
While Subaru gave her a filthy look, Crusch stood up, staring straight back into his eyes.
“I am able to largely discern whether a person is lying. I can boast that, since far back, I have never once been cheated in negotiations.”
Suddenly, Crusch began to speak on a different topic. She continued to peer into Subaru’s eyes as they clouded with doubt.
“If my experience is anything to judge by, what you speak are not lies.”
“Th-then…!”
“You wholly believe that your assertions are the truth, and therefore, they are not lies to you. Those in such a state are called madmen, Subaru Natsuki.”
It was then and there that Subaru clearly understood that negotiations had failed.
“—!”
Continuous clenching of his teeth had cut the edge of his lip, sending blood dribbling down his jaw. Crusch narrowed her eyes as she watched the painful image.
“Ferris, go ahead and heal him.”
“I don’t need it!”
Before Ferris could move a muscle, Subaru rejected the offer and stood, practically leaping from his chair.
“Suppertime is here. Will you not be joining us?”
“You wouldn’t want to eat at the same table as a madman, would you? No matter how eccentric your taste or style might be, that’d be a bit too far even for you.”
Subaru replied to sarcasm with sarcasm as he reached for the reception room door. Following suit, Rem stood at attention and politely bowed to Crusch.
“It has been a short time, but thank you for the hospitality. On behalf of my master, I offer my thanks.”
“So this is your…no, Marquis Mathers’s reply?”
“Yes. He instructed me to respect Subaru’s wishes in all things.”
Subaru couldn’t see Crusch’s expression during the incomprehensible exchange, but Crusch’s voice seemed to bear no small amount of regret as Rem stated her farewells.
Whatever she felt, it was clearly not the coldness she’d shown to Subaru, and it was infuriating him.
“Rem, let’s go.”
Picking up the pace, Subaru called out to Rem and opened the door.
“Have you anywhere else to turn to?”
“Make sure you become a good king, okay? The despotic type that tosses aside the weak.”
Spitting out his reply without turning around, Subaru slammed the door shut.
And thus, in pathetic fashion, the curtain lowered on the negotiations.
6
It was well into the evening when Subaru bolted out into the Nobles’ District after negotiations had broken down.
The sun had already dipped low in the west. The aura of night was slowly creeping over the world. With the light of the crystal lamps lining the road shining down upon him, Subaru leaned back against an iron fence, spitting out curses.
“Shit. One thing after another…”
The exchange with Crusch rose in the back of his mind—and with it, the humiliation he had suffered.
“Those know-nothings… Why don’t they understand I’m doing the right thing…?!”
The swirling vortex inside his chest was emotion close to hatred toward the woman who had impeded his path.
Things had turned out this way because she hadn’t seen for herself that tragedy or the laughter of that cruel, conniving madman. It was because she had not heard it. She hadn’t experienced it for herself, so she didn’t understand: They were beasts and could not be suffered to live.
“Fine. Fine already. My messing up, people with no feelings, gotta forget all that. Right now I need to focus more on what’s in front of me…!”
Rather than stand still and mope, the right choice was to move forward, one small step at a time. After all, to Subaru, with so few cards to play, time was a precious thing.
“Sorry to keep you waiting, Subaru.”
While Subaru tapped a foot in annoyance, Rem passed through the gate, returning to her spot beside him. She was carrying the luggage they had brought with them to the Crusch residence, neatly packed up and ready to go. After Subaru’s caustic outburst and furious exit, he had been waiting while Rem went to gather their things.
“…Sorry. Gimme the luggage; I’ll haul it.”
“It is fine. The bags are not heavy, and you are still recovering, Subaru.”
Rem politely declined Subaru’s offer and hefted the luggage in her arms. Normally, Subaru would have insisted, but with his mental resources otherwise occupied, he did not dwell on the matter.
“Come to think of it, you weren’t opposed to leaving, were you, Rem?”
“Correct. It was your choice, Subaru.”
“Well, after all that, I can’t exactly come crawling back for more healing. Whatever Emilia bargained for it, I feel bad for her.”
Emilia had tendered something to pave the way for Subaru’s medical treatments. Subaru had distinct feelings of guilt on multiple levels for wasting her kindness again.
But Subaru was sure it’d be all right. Once he rescued her from this crisis, they’d be able to make up, so she’d probably forgive this, too.
To that end, among other things, Petelgeuse had to die.
“Subaru. About the…negotiations with Lady Crusch…”
“She made a big deal about trustworthiness, benefits, and other pointless crap. No shred of human decency in her. How can anyone put up with that high-and-mighty attitude—?”
Subaru interrupted Rem with his curses, cutting off her attempt to raise the subject. Perhaps she sensed his desire to not revisit the matter, because she brought up something else.
“What will we d
o now, Subaru? If what you say is true, there is not a single moment to lose.”
“If?”
“…There is not a single moment to lose. Will we be returning to Master Roswaal’s mansion?”
Subaru interjected about a part of her line that bugged him, but Rem didn’t bite. Subaru shook his head in response to her latter question.
“Nah. Right now, if it’s just us heading back, there’s not a whole lot we can do. We’ve gotta go with a big enough crew to put up a decent fight. And if we can’t do that, we need to find another way somehow.”
If only Subaru and Rem showed up to help, it would result in a repeat of what had come before. Yes, if they departed sooner than previous times, there was a chance they could make it back to the mansion safely without encountering the Witch Cult. But it would probably be very difficult repelling the Cult with nothing but the resources the mansion had on hand.
“We just don’t have the numbers. What the hell has Roswaal been up to…?”
By himself, Roswaal was powerful enough that they might be able to send the Cult packing. So what was that court magician doing at the very moment they needed him most…?
“Subaru. Actually, in regards to Master Roswaal… There is a very high chance he will be absent from the mansion for several days.”
“—?! You knew? So Roswaal not being at the mansion was preplanned?”
“Master Roswaal was to visit Garfiel’s… Er, the place of an important individual within the dominion, and he planned to stay there for several days.”
“Shit, his timing sucks! So that’s why they can’t repel the attack!”
Rem’s answer bolstered Subaru’s concerns, and he clawed at his head as he spat his frustrations like a curse. Now that Roswaal, their greatest weapon, could not be relied on, his earlier estimate rang true: They were at an overwhelming disadvantage. Subaru and Rem turning back early wouldn’t make any difference.
“Looks like I was right. I’ve gotta bring the cavalry with me somehow…”
Subaru, revisiting his first conclusion with renewed confidence, nodded to Rem, who watched him all the while. The objective was set, but time was short. If he wanted to at least do better than the previous two loops, he had to leave the royal capital the following day. Considering that night was falling, this left him with about half a day to work with.
Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World-, Vol. 6 Page 3
