by Tiffani Lynn
My blood boils in my veins as I sit here listening to him. I’ve been through hell and made it out the other side alive. Now that I’m waking up in the morning without thinking of him and wondering what I did wrong. Now that I’m making friends and getting comfortable with my new normal, he’s coming to me with apologies and bullshit? He’d better get to the point soon or it’s possible I’ll lose my mind and freak out on him and endanger my job.
“Sheila and I need some time to try and figure things out. I was wondering if you would be willing to keep Thea for a few weeks. I can pick her up on the days I normally have her and take her to dinner but then I need to return her to you.”
“This shouldn’t even be a question, but I have to ask if Sheila is worth pushing your daughter aside for? As much as I hate you, and make no mistake that I do hate you, I know a girl needs her father. I can’t believe you’d let some woman who isn’t even your wife dictate how much time you get with your kid. You’re a bigger dick than I thought.”
I sit back and let that settle between us. I’ve wanted to say some of those things since the day I arrived in town. It’s quite liberating to be able to let it fly, but at the same time sad because he never really considered Thea’s feelings in any of this.
Training his eyes on his fingers, which drum rhythmically on the table between us, he takes a deep breath and says, “It’s not because I don’t want her there. I don’t want her to be in the middle of discord while we work it out. That part’s not exactly going smoothly. I’m not sure if she’s still seeing that guy, but I gave her an ultimatum so I need some time for her and me to just be a couple without the added stress of a preteen.”
“Hmmm. I’ll keep her because I’d love to have her. I’ve been dying for the chance to be with her full-time, but I want you to realize what a horse’s ass you sound like with this. If Sheila’s already cheating on you now, what do you think she’s going to do as time goes on? If having Thea is too stressful now and causing her to step out on you, what will happen when she’s a full-blown teenager, with attitude and drama?”
“Thea isn’t the problem, it just isn’t helping right now.”
“No, Ron. The problem is that you started a relationship with Sheila when you were married to another woman and she willingly let you break our family up so she could have you. You two won’t last because you’ll never be able to trust each other.”
“Val—”
“Ron, this conversation is over. You get to explain to Thea why things are changing though, and please don’t expect sympathy from either of us for the situation you’re in right now. I won’t be made the villain this time so make sure you tell her the truth. I expect you to tell her tonight when you pick her up at six. I have plans until eight, you can bring her back then.”
“What will we do for two hours?”
“I don’t know but I already had these plans and you need time with her anyway, so figure it out.”
“Sheila—”
I shake my head to stop him. “I don’t give a damn about Sheila. I care about Thea. Now go find Sheila and pull your balls out of her purse and reattach them,” I lean in and hiss the last part before I turn and strut back to work. Damn, that felt good.
My guess is that one of Sheila’s complaints is that Thea’s around too much. She was all gung-ho to take over mom duties until she realized it was more than taking her shopping and dining out. Once she figured out that the attention her man gives her is less on the days his daughter is around, she was probably bored with Thea’s presence.
That evening Victor picks me up at the same time Ron picks up Thea and I swear Ron’s eyes bug out of his head when Victor shows up at the door while he’s standing there. Victor and I are only friends, but I refuse to share that information. I want him to see that he’s not the only man in my life and he’s not the best I could get. Quiet payback is sometimes necessary.
Dinner with Victor is pleasant as it always is. We talk about work and family and movies we want to see. We’ve developed an easy friendship that I enjoy and am thankful for. He’s signing for the check—although it’s not a date he refuses to let me pay, explaining that his mother would fillet him if he allowed that—when a shadow falls over the table. I glance up to see who it is and find the bearded god of passion looming over our table.
“Javier. How are you?” I ask and ignore his frown.
“Obviously, I’ve been out of the loop,” he says. Victor and I exchange a look like what the hell is he talking about?
“What are you out of the loop about?” Victor asks.
“I wasn’t aware you two were dating.” His voice is low and his frown firmly in place.
Before I can respond, Victor’s eyes darken with a look I now know to mean he’s angry. “Javier, we’ve been friends for a lot of years and you’ve never turned your temper my way. I’m not sure how my dating life is your business, but if you care to enlighten me I’ll be glad to answer your question.”
Surprised by the attitude these two are giving each other and not understanding why, I sit quietly and watch the standoff. “You know why,” is Javier’s cryptic response.
“No, man, I don’t and I don’t appreciate you rolling up in here giving me attitude. If you were interested maybe you should’ve asked her out. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, you snooze, you lose.”
They glare at each other in an epic stare-down while I look between the two wondering who will break the silence first. I almost laugh out loud at how silly they’re being, but I don’t want to make it worse. Finally, Javier glances at me and says, “Have a good evening, Val,” and turns on his heel, walking away without another word to Victor.
“What was that about?” I ask.
“You.”
“What? Me, what did I do?”
“He obviously thinks we’re dating and he’s not happy.”
“The ‘her’ in your conversation was me? That’s absurd.”
“Actually, it’s not. Javie has a thing for you, but he won’t do anything about it.”
“He does not.” We may have awesome chemistry, but he isn’t interested in anything other than an occasional booty call.
“Yeah, he does. He’s just pissed that I can move on and he can’t.”
“Move on from what?” I ask, not understanding at all.
“If he hasn’t told you, I can’t. It’s not my place. It’s the same reason his hair and beard are longer than Jesus’s and why he fills every waking minute of every day with something. I wish I could explain it, but it’s not my place.”
“You can’t bring up that kind of claim and not explain what the hell you mean.”
Victor pauses for a second and a sly grin spreads across his handsome face. “You’ve got a thing for Javie. I should’ve seen that coming. He’s always had that effect on women. They fall like a bunch of dominoes for him and he just keeps on walking.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“Whatever. I will say that you’re the first one in a long time that he probably feels something for in return, but he’ll never go there so you need to move on.”
“I’m not stuck on him.”
He places his napkin on his plate and says, “You can lie to me all you want, but you can’t lie to yourself. Let him go before he destroys you. He won’t ever go there with you or any other woman for that matter.”
How infuriating! I don’t say a word all the way back home. When we pull into the driveway, Victor walks me to the door and before he can say goodnight Ron pulls up in front of the house with Thea. His eyes are glued to us and I’m praying he doesn’t get out of the car because it’s possible I’ll tell him off, I’m so irritated right now.
“Hey, Mom! Hi, Mr. Victor.”
“Hi honey,” I say while Victor says, “Hey, Thea.”
“I’ll be inside in a minute; go ahead and get ready for bed.”
“Yes ma’am,” she politely says and closes the door. Ron is still at the curb staring at us.
&nb
sp; “Is your ex still sitting there watching us?” he asks.
“Yeah.” I sigh.
“Good,” he says as he pulls me in close and kisses me hard on the mouth.
“Um… What just happened?” His grin is so wicked I can’t help but smile back.
“If he wants to watch, I’m going to give him something good to see.”
“But why?”
“Because he deserves to see that you’re desirable and moving on, even if the moving-on part isn’t really with me.”
“That was some kiss.”
Chuckling, he kisses me softly before he finally steps away from me and says, “We might not be the right fit for each other but there was nothing wrong with that kiss.” After that parting remark, he struts to his car while Ron drives away. What in the world is going on in my life? I shake my head and go inside, ready to relax with a glass of wine and hear about my daughter’s day.
Chapter Ten
Javier
A week has gone by since I got the news that the cancer is back, and the VA has finally called to say they can get me in for a consult with the surgeon tomorrow morning. The guy who operated on me last time retired so I have no clue who I’ll be seeing. I want to get all the information before I tell my family the news. Mamá is going to lose it, as will my sister and my abuela. I’ll let them tell the aunts, uncles and cousins. It’ll be hard enough to tell them. I haven’t slept since my oncologist gave me the news and here I am again, wide awake at three in the morning. I’ve nodded off here and there, but haven’t gotten any good sleep and I’m exhausted. This is exactly why I didn’t want a family. I can’t imagine what they would go through having to face this again. That would always be sitting in the back of their minds. What if it’s worse this time? It’s all too much to think about.
At nine o’clock I sign in and sit down in the hard, plastic waiting room chairs. I’ve always hated these chairs. An older man, probably in his late 70s or early 80s, with thinning hair and a permanent frown is sitting across from me. The tiny Asian woman to his left says something to him and he grunts at her, making her roll her eyes and mutter under her breath. Another man about my age and a younger woman sit in the chairs to my left.
After half an hour my name is finally called and they take me back to do the usual crap. Heart rate, blood pressure, weight, and a thousand questions with the nurse. Once she’s finished, she says, “The doctor will be in shortly.” I pick up a two-year-old Car and Driver magazine and flip through it, wondering why they don’t throw this thing away, when the door opens.
Valerie steps inside and shuts the door behind her and somehow I’m surprised. I know she’s a surgeon here so why it never crossed my mind that she could be my surgeon, I don’t know. This is not something I wanted to share with her. Of all people, I didn’t want her to see my biggest weakness, so of course with the way my life works she’s the surgeon on the case. Son of a bitch.
“Javier.” She puts her hand out to shake mine, all business, and it takes me a few seconds, but I finally take her hand and shake. She releases me and pulls up the little circular rolling stool and sits down in front of me.
“When I saw your name on my list yesterday I was going to turn your case over to the other surgeon who’s had experience with colon cancer, but he took a leave of absence to take care of his sick wife. I’d say you could wait for them to hire someone else, but you know how the government operates and it could be awhile, so I don’t recommend it. The VA has a hard time getting doctors these days so barring a miracle from heaven, I’m your only choice. I’m sorry that’s the case. I’m sure you’re not happy to see me, but I can assure you that I’ve done my fair share of resections and I’m confident in my ability. Looking at the scan, I don’t think you’ll need a temporary colostomy unless there are unforeseen complications.”
She’s all business at this point so I nod, unsure of what to say. I wasn’t worried about whether she could do the job or not. I’m certain that she’s technically sound. I just didn’t want her to know.
“I’d like to do an exam first and then we can talk, okay?” Her voice is gentle like she’s trying to soften the blow of the whole situation. “Lie back,” she says and I do as I’m told. She pushes and pokes at my abdomen and asks a ton of questions. When she’s done she looks at my chart and sits back down on the stool.
“Have you told your family?”
“No, I wanted to have all the information first. My mamá will come at me with a hundred questions and I need to have the answers to as many as possible as I can ahead of time to lessen the blow.”
“Want me to go with you?”
I jerk back, surprised by the offer. “That’s a little unusual, Doc,” I say.
“Let’s be honest. This whole situation is unusual. I should totally separate myself from this personally, but that’s not me. I consider you my friend and I want to do whatever I can to help. Knowing what I do about your family, I can only imagine how they’re going to react to all of this.”
“Multiply it by 50 and then you might get an idea of how this is going to go, with Mamá especially.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I’d like to think we’re friends.”
I can’t even look at her, much less respond. I’m embarrassed and resentful that the one person I’ve really wanted since I was diagnosed is the one who will know the full extent of my weakness. She’ll see the absolute worst of me and I can’t do anything about it.
“Okay, well I can tell this is a touchy subject,” she rolls a little closer and continues, “so I’m going to end the appointment, but I want you to know I’m your doctor and your friend. You can call me anytime and if you think about it and want me there when you tell your family, I will be. As for the surgery date, scheduling will call you by tomorrow at the latest. I’ll do my best to get you in sooner rather than later. If you go home and decide you want a different surgeon because of our personal affiliation, I can write you a referral to a doctor outside of the VA, but it’s likely you’ll have a co pay. I want to do whatever you feel is best.”
This is all so overwhelming and like a big fucking pussy I want to cry, but there’s no way in hell I’ll do that in front of her. Knowing if I open my mouth I’ll struggle to get words out, I nod and squeeze her hand. Her eyes are sad and that’s a look I never want to see again so I turn and walk out. By the time I reach my car I’m a big ball of anger and anguish, and I’m not sure what to do with it so I pull my cell out of my pocket and call Tío Tony.
“Hey, I’m having a shit day. Can I use your basement?”
“Of course, Javie. What’s up?”
“Can’t talk about it, just need some time down there.”
“Okay, come on.”
I drive straight there and enter through the side door to avoid Tía Rosa. Tío Tony is sitting on a stool at the base of the stairs, waiting with tape in his hands. He’s seen me in this mood many times so he doesn’t speak, he just wraps my knuckles, pats me on the cheek and jogs back up the stairs, closing the door behind him.
For an hour I take every bit of anger and sadness out first on the speed bag and then the heavy bag. Tío Tony used to train all of us boys in boxing when we were growing up and we’ve all returned here to burn off steam over the years now that we’re grown up. By the time Tío comes down to check on me I’m on my knees crying so hard I can’t see straight.
“Javie, what’s wrong?” Tío hits his knees next to me and wraps me up tight, and I’d love to fight it, to be a man and face this without emotion, but I don’t have it in me. I’m so damn tired and I don’t want to do this again. No surgery, no chemo, no radiation. None of it. I don’t want the side effects and I don’t want to worry every day when I wake up that it’ll be my last. I don’t want to worry about who I hurt or how they feel watching me suffer through this.
I cry until I can’t anymore and when I finally settle, Tío places his palms on my cheeks so I have to face him. As soon as he looks in my eyes, he knows and the tears
spill over his own eyelids and roll down his face. “Sobrino…” nephew, he whispers. “Who knows?” I shake my head, afraid to speak. He pulls me in and holds me tight again. “I’ll come with you, but you have to tell them.”
“I know,” I say, my voice scratchy from spilling all the emotion. “I don’t want to do this again.”
“I know. Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up and we’ll go. I’ll call and get everyone together.”
“I can’t.”
“Not everyone, just your parents and siblings for now. It’s going to be all right, sobrino.”
Two hours later we’re sitting in my parents’ living room. My tío is sitting on my left on the love seat. My parents and sister, Adrianna, are on the couch across from us. My sister’s husband, Bruno, is perched on the arm next to her with his hand on her shoulder. Diego is seated in the chair next to my tío, and Mateo’s standing behind them. Every face in the room is grim. They didn’t need to be told, they knew what was coming as soon as my tío called. The last time we did this, my mamá lost it. She was hysterical and it took Mateo and Papá forever to settle her down. This time she has my papá’s hand in a death grip and her lip is quivering but she’s holding strong.
I can’t decide if that makes me feel better or worse. What I do know is that I have another long road ahead of me and I’m thankful to have the support of my family. I just wish I didn’t have to do this again.
Chapter Eleven
Valerie
When I saw Javier’s name pop up on the schedule I prayed that there was another Javier Suarez, maybe some old veteran from Vietnam or even Desert Storm. In my heart though, I knew that wasn’t the case and for once I’m glad that Dr. Frinkley took the leave of absence. I want to be the one to operate, I want to be the one to help fix him. It’s wrong for about a million different reasons. I should have some professional distance between myself and my patients, and getting fucked against the wall in my entryway doesn’t qualify as such. If Dr. Frinkley were around I’d reluctantly turn the case over to him, but that’s not an option. Referring him to a civilian doctor could be costly and take a while to get into. Because I have a say in my schedule I can work him in sooner rather than later here.
