I dropped everything off by the front door and texted Sophie to make sure she’d still be there, and just as I was seeing her reply come over, I noticed an email from Cole slide into my inbox.
Just. Like. That.
I was like a glutton for punishment, jinxing myself by declaring how freeing it had been not to hear from him, and just like that, he tuned into the universe and decided to reach out.
His email could wait. I needed to focus on yoga with a friend, followed by a glass of wine or three with her as a reward. Stuffing everything into my bag and grabbing a heavier coat, I locked the door and was on my way to the gym. By foot it was only ten minutes away. But that was enough time to wonder myself to death about Cole’s email. I could be an adult and read the message, but that would be too easy, and I’d started to learn that I actually might like torturing myself slightly.
“I bet you wish you decided try out hot yoga with me,” Sophie chuckled, running over to me. She drove to the gym since the apartment she rented was a bit out of town.
“Not in a million years.” The idea of willingly bending and contorting my body was already teetering on the edge of insanity, except that by the end of the session I was ready to fall asleep.
“The idea of slipping and sliding in my own sweat because the heat is cranked to ninety-five degrees isn’t how I imagine I’d want to spend any amount of time.”
“It’s not like that.” She rolled her eyes, and I followed her into the building.
“Right when I left to come here, guess what popped into my email?”
We both typed in our codes to check in and walked down the hall as weights clanked against floors and grunting bounced off the walls.
“An email.” She flashed a devilish grin as we walked into the yoga studio in the back of the building. “From Mr. Hill.”
“I guess he is generally the only reason I mention emails.” I stuffed my bag in a cubby and fished out my water bottle.
“Generally.” We rolled out our mats, and I slid off my socks. “And what did it say?”
“I didn’t open it.”
Sophie groaned and a few of the students glanced over. “Okay, you’re definitely missing the big picture.”
“Of what?” I whispered, leaning in.
“Relaxation, meditation, life.” She sat down and stretched her legs.
“What are you talking about?” I sat on my knees and scowled.
“You spend ten minutes walking to a yoga session and—correct me if I’m wrong—probably debated about what was inside the message Cole sent on the entire trip over. So instead of enjoying a leisurely stroll on the way to a meditation exercise, you show up to said meditative experience completely wired and full of questions. So really, this entire class is going to be lost on you all because you didn’t just open an email and read it.”
I sat back and glared at her.
“What? Am I wrong?” Her brows knitted together. “Please correct me if I’m wrong, and you didn’t think about the contents of that message all the way over here. Besides, I can tell when you’re all worked up.”
“Great, another outward sign of my insanity. Do I get to add this symptom to hives and fainting?”
“Only if you want to.” She leaned over and squeezed my shoulders. They felt so knotted her fingers felt like daggers. “You tend to lose your neck when you get all stressed.”
“Perfect. I’m Frankenstein with hives.”
“But always adorable,” she assured me.
Our tiny instructor glided into the room, and right behind her, several more students pattered in light as a feather. Our yoga instructor was in her customary sky blue yoga pants and white tank, showing not an ounce of fat on her perfectly proportioned body. I gave a quick tug on my tunic and slid to my bum as she placed her hands in a prayer position and Namaste’d us all.
“Namaste,” I said in unison with the class.
Moments like these highlighted how much I didn’t fit in to the whole group setting. I was more of a loner and being expected to participate in something so regimented was beyond uncomfortable, but I was pushing myself in all directions. Learning to regroup and put myself in uncomfortable situations was my new normal, even if that included repeating ancient Sanskrit sayings like I knew what I was talking about.
“Please begin by laying on your back…tucking your chin into your chest and placing your palms up to the sky.” Pausing for the class to do as she said. “Drawing in your breath slowly, make yourself aware of your body…” More silence. “Feel the lengthening of your spine…your arms as they fall away from you…” Another pause. “Feel your facial expression soften. Exhaling, allow yourself to become aware…”
My mind drifted to another place as my breathing shifted, and all my worries wandered away. I envisioned sitting at my kitchen table in the house I grew up in. I began by opening the first envelope and pulled out a letter. Happiness flowed through my entire body as I read Cole’s words. Mistake. Misunderstanding. Loved me. My body felt light as air as I kept reading. He never meant for me to go back to Fireweed, but he couldn’t come back with me. There was too much he needed tell me.
The temperature in the room chilled and my eyes flashed open.
I fell asleep.
In the middle of class.
I glanced around and saw everyone in the tree position, one of my least favorite poses, especially since I just woke up. Trying to shake off my embarrassment, I stood up and reached for the sky—really it was only the ceiling—and slid the base of my heel up along the inside of the opposite leg. This was where it got tricky for those—like myself—challenged with the skill of balancing, but I managed with only a wobble.
Listening to the instructor, I focused on breathing and the pose solidified into place and by the end of class, I was proud of myself for staying upright and awake.
The instructor walked over to me and congratulated me on releasing myself and allowing the empty space to merge with my mind, body, and soul. I didn’t have the heart to tell her, I purely fell asleep, and my mind was filled with a make-believe version of how my life could have been so I instead thanked her and gave her a Namaste.
“Well, I take back what I said about you not getting the whole relaxation thing,” Sophie said, taking a sip of water. “I’m impressed.”
“Don’t be.”
I rolled up my mat and grabbed my bag, waiting for Sophie to do the same before we wandered back into the main gym. The place had thinned out and only the cardio machines were in use by a very few people.
“I think I should get home. My stepmom came down with a cold, and I told her I’d come and check on her to make sure that everything’s okay.”
“So no wine date?” I smiled. “I’ll take a rain check. I probably shouldn’t anyway after that whole out-of-body experience.”
“That’s the spirit.” She winked, but her eyes landed on something behind me, and she turned around quickly, pulling on my free hand.
“What are you doing?” I laughed, tripping over my feet.
“I think a glass of wine would be a good idea after all.”
“He’s here. Isn’t he?” I whispered, feeling the thrill of it all.
She avoided my gaze, which told me everything.
I glanced over my shoulder and saw the back of Cole. Apparently there was one person still in the weight section and that would be him. He was wearing a pair of black, oversized basketball shorts and a tight black shirt that skimmed every God-given muscle he owned. He’d always been in shape, but this was something more and it was intriguing.
“Of course he looks that good working out,” I muttered, shaking my head, and pushing Sophie out the door with me on her tail.
“At least you have good taste in men.” She grabbed her keys out of her purse. “You want me to give you a ride?”
I nodded, shifting my bag to my other shoulder and then I felt it. That same feeling of being watched, but this time I knew it wasn’t a figment of my imagination. I turned arou
nd and looked into the gym. Cole was staring right at me; the overhead light spotlighting Sophie and me on the sidewalk.
Instead of the usual emotions like anger, sadness, fear, and annoyance, I actually didn’t mind that he noticed me noticing him. I gave him a quick wave, not realizing that was the open invitation he’d been waiting for, and my stomach dipped to my toes before flying back to my chest.
“Now look what you did,” Sophie teased. “But it’s probably fine. I’m sure you’ve fixed yourself enough to speak to the man. Or, at least for his sake, I hope you have.”
I shot her an icy stare, and she shrugged in innocence.
“I thought that was your excuse? You needed to fix yourself? Find yourself? Whatever it was.”
“It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth. I’ve spent far too much of my life wondering about how my life would have turned out if we’d stayed together, and for your information, I think all this yoga and stuff is starting to work out.”
“How do you figure?”
“I waved at him didn’t I? I didn’t act like he didn’t exist. That is progress.”
“If you’re twenty-two.”
“Don’t be such a pessimist. I’m just not ready.” I spotted Cole getting closer and felt a flutter in my stomach.
“You’re never going to be ready unless you start trying. Now that you have a chance at it—meaning him—you’d rather push him away, and you’ve been pushing the entire idea of love away for years. That’s your fallback move, even if it wasn’t Cole.”
“Sounds to me like you are proving exactly why I need to work on myself before dragging anyone else down.”
She hopped off the step and opened her car door just as Cole came outside.
“I didn’t know you worked out here,” Cole said, breathing hard from the weights.
“I didn’t know you lived here and to clear the air, I saw your email come over, but I haven’t read it.” I crossed my arms as if to shield my heart and ready myself for an imaginary battle.
“Of course you haven’t. That would be too easy.” His brows furrowed as he took me in, and I heard Sophie turn on her car. I glanced over and saw her stop only long enough to give me a friendly wave as she pulled away.
“Was she your ride?” he chuckled, watching Sophie turn onto the main road.
“No.”
“I don’t see your car.” He looked over the parking lot, and a flicker of amusement dashed through his eyes as I shifted from one foot to the other.
“I walked.”
“You shouldn’t be walking home at ten o’clock at night.” I liked how he was as protective as he had been in college, but I shouldn’t. I should barely even be noticing him. “It’s not safe.” His voice became gruffer, but his expression softened.
Back in college, if I took a night class, he’d always wait outside and walk me to the dorm, and on the few nights class got out early, and I left for the dorms without him, he was not pleased. I forgot how great it was to have someone care.
“It’s not LA,” I reminded him.
“There are crazies all over, and boy, you do like to argue.” His eyes swept over my body, and I felt a flood of emotions I hadn’t anticipated.
“Only with you.” Realizing most of my hair had fallen out of my bun I tucked some of my strays behind my ear.
He reached over to the other side and did the same, catching me off guard and sending a jolt of electricity through my body.
“Let me give you a ride home,” he suggested.
“How do I know you’re not one of the crazies?” I asked, feeling the exciting current run between us.
“I never promised that.” He took a step closer, and I smelled the mix of soap and something all Cole. It slammed me right back to that summer. I’d had his jacket in my belongings and wrapped myself in it every single night and slept in it until it no longer smelled like him.
He touched my chin softly and tilted my head up. “What? What are you thinking?”
I sucked in a deep breath. “Nothing.”
“You never were good at lying to me.”
“I never lied.” The lights in the gym began to flick off, row by row. It was closing time.
“Not when it mattered.” He smiled.
“I never lied. Name one time.”
“When I asked if you wanted to go clam digging with me and my brother, you told me you loved clams.”
“I wouldn’t call that a lie.” I liked not being angry at him, but I didn’t know how long it would last. Or would sadness merely replace it once I got home tonight?
“Do you love clams?” His lip curled into the most beautiful of smiles.
“I don’t love them…no.”
“Lie numero uno.”
I rolled my eyes. “Big deal.”
“You told me you knew how to ride horses,” he added.
“I didn’t want to get left behind.”
“I never would have left you behind,” Cole said. He slid his hands along my waist, and I didn’t pull away.
“What are you still doing on the island?”
“Remember how I told you that you were my one light? I meant it. It was like you guided me back to where I needed to be.”
“Sounds more like a beacon,” I mumbled, and he laughed in return.
I heard the click behind us as they locked the front door. I could do this. Being nice didn’t have to have strings attached, and it didn’t have to carry the weight of the world. Besides, being cordial was the decent thing to do, and I always wanted to be decent.
Besides an obvious masochist, who else would agree to do wedding flowers for an ex?
A decent person.
But then out of nowhere, I felt compelled to tell him one more thing as if to test the waters of our past.
“I didn’t know you sent any letters,” I said quietly.
“What do you mean?” he asked, studying me. “You sent them back to me in a box.”
“It wasn’t me.”
He let out a deep sigh and brought me closer into him, kissing the top of my ratty bun and not saying another word, but he didn’t have to. It was a long time ago, and things had changed for us both.
Being so close to Cole last night did exactly what I was afraid it would do. It left me wanting more.
More of exactly what, I wasn’t sure, but whatever it was, it left me humming as I sat completing my monthly invoicing before Brandy and Aaron arrived for their appointment.
The moment I got home last night, I clicked on Cole’s email, and it was an invitation to his parents’ house to visit. He wanted to catch up. The idea both frightened and intrigued me. When emailing him back, I decided to base my decision on the former emotion and told him maybe I’d see him around the gym sometime.
My goal wasn’t playing hard to get, especially because I didn’t think he was trying to get me, but I didn’t want to hop into something I couldn’t hop out of. When Cole wrapped his arms around me last night, it immediately felt like before and that scared me. I knew how much I hurt the first time I lost Cole, and I didn’t want to spend another eight years of my life wishing I hadn’t had the reminder of what I was missing after he left Fireweed.
Because he would leave Fireweed.
As if on cue, an email popped into my inbox from Cole and I groaned.
He certainly was persistent.
Could I convince you to see me if I offered you bowling lessons? How about dinner and one bowling lesson? Your game could only improve. Trust me.
My heart flipped in place as I read his email again and typed back.
Are you stalking me?
Why did I want the answer to be yes? Only crazy people wanted stalkers. But if I were to pick one, he’d have all Cole’s qualities: good-looking, polite, respectful, and persistent.
Will my answer ever be used against me in a court of law?
My fingers tingled with excitement as I responded.
You tell me.
No answer.
Well, that w
as fun while it lasted. I closed up my bookkeeping software as the front door chimed. Brandy and Aaron’s appointment would be a perfect distraction. I twisted my hair in a quick bun and grabbed a pen and notebook.
“We’re here.” Brandy’s excitement reverberated through the air.
Now this was my favorite kind of bride. I could feel her enthusiasm a room away.
“I’ve been looking forward to this appointment all week,” I gushed, walking into the front part of the shop where Easter had taken over Valentine’s Day.
The yards of tulle and satin hearts had been replaced with giant ceramic bunnies in the window. Lavender and yellow polka dotted eggs rolled around in the lime green plastic grass and white twinkle lights dangled from above. I’d made a few rustic tables by painting wooden milk crates. I turned them on their side to display my arrangements.
“It must be amazing getting to immerse yourself in every single holiday.” Brandy was already bending over, looking at my milk-crate creations. “I love this country look. It’s going to be so hard to decide.”
Aaron beamed as he watched her and, boy, did he watch her. Every single thing she did brought a smile to his lips. I noticed he was lugging around a large box, and I wondered what was inside.
Brandy stood back up and spun around. “I’ve got so many ideas and I’d love to help any way I can.”
“Love hearing that. Okay, let’s go over here where we can spread out.” With this bride, the table would not do. We needed counter space. Aaron plopped the box on the counter with a thud.
“I have no idea where to start,” Brandy told me. “It’s like when I start trying to narrow things down, all that happens is that I add more to my wish list.”
I pulled two stools over for them and stood on my toes, trying to look inside the box.
“Have you picked out your dress?” I asked, glancing at Aaron. He might need to leave for this part.
Brandy’s eyes turned dreamy. “I’m wearing my mom’s wedding dress, except we’ve made some alterations. The dress originally had long sleeves, but we made them cap sleeves. I tend to overheat so my mom actually suggested it.” Aaron rubbed her shoulders, and I felt there was more behind that simple statement than the obvious.
Love Redone in Hidden Harbor (Island County Book 2) Page 13
