by C. Dulaney
“You heard me,” I said, my voice losing its cool edge. We were nearing the club, and the horses had picked up the pace.
“Yeah, I heard what ya said. I just don’t fuckin’ believe it. Look at me and tell me what Mia was sayin’ is true, that we can’t trust ya anymore.” The longer he talked, the more he sounded like Jake again, even if his voice was jagged and emotional. The country club was starting to come into view through the trees.
“I don’t want to fight with you, Jake. Not right now, okay?”
This deflated his temper. “I don’t wanna fight either. But what I said? I’m stickin’ to it. She can do whatever the hell she wants. I’m not goin' without you. That’s all I have to say about this bunch of bullshit.” He pursed his lips and nodded once, making me laugh in spite of myself.
“Yes, Jake.”
* * *
Michael stomped down the middle of the barn towards me. “What happened out there?”
I had already unsaddled Daisy and was in the middle of brushing her down, stalling for time long after Mia and Jake had already put their horses out to pasture. I should’ve known Michael would come looking for me if I pissed around too long.
“What do you mean, what happened? I assume you’ve talked to Waters, right?”
I regretted how sarcastic that sounded, but didn’t have the patience to deal with his shit at the moment. I brushed Daisy’s neck and could hear him taking a deep breath right behind me, no doubt gritting his teeth and standing with his hands on his hips.
“You know I’ve already talked to Steve. That’s not what I’m asking,” he said. “Well, it is, but that’s only half of it. Jake already told me about the dead guy Waters’ men found after they got there. Yeah, Steve was crapping his pants about that when I talked to him.” He stepped over next to me and laid his hand on Daisy’s hip.
I knew there would be hell to pay for killing Andy. Waters, or Steve to his friends, had given explicit instructions not to kill anyone unless absolutely necessary. It had only happened a few other times since we started working for him, and all those situations could be explained. He had been mad at first, coming around once he realized there had been no other choice. He knew as well as we did, zombies weren’t the only thing we had to worry about now. Living, breathing people could be just as bad. If not worse. Especially now that resources were getting harder and harder to come by. Not everyone had a Nancy in their group, or hunters for that matter. Too many people lived off of what they could scavenge, and when there was nothing left, they got desperate.
“How bad is it?” I asked, my arm pausing mid-brush, eyes staying glued to Daisy’s mane.
“Not as bad as it could’ve been. He understands now what that guy was, and what he did to the ones still alive. Those men you rescued, they painted a pretty nasty picture for him. So I’d say Waters is relieved. I know I wouldn’t want a cannibal living here. In the end, Jake did the right thing killing that sick bastard. I know it, Steve knows it.” He sighed and shook his head. “Those kids…”
I stayed quiet through Michael’s explanation, clamping down on the anger that had started flickering again. Of course Jake had been in the right. At times like this, the deal we had entered into with Waters really burned my ass. It had been the source of many arguments between Michael and me over the summer. Usually after supper when everyone had drifted off to do their own thing, or went off to the wall for watch duty, and the two of us ended up sitting on the porch. At first things would be fine. Comfortable and easy. We always seemed to part ways fighting about Waters. Stupid goddamn Waters.
I tossed the brush on the bench next to me and led Daisy outside. Michael followed, thankfully not pestering me with any more questions. The bitter cold air stung my eyes as soon as Daisy and I stepped out the back door, so I quickly unhooked the strap and let her join the other horses in the pasture.
“It’s getting colder.” I crossed my arms as tightly as I could. Michael grunted his agreement.
“She doesn’t get along with the others, does she?” he asked after Daisy kicked at one of the mares for walking too close.
“No, she doesn’t.”
I grabbed the heavy door and pulled it closed, fastening it loosely, then turned and headed toward the house. Before we could leave the barn, Michael stopped, curled his hand around my elbow, and turned me to face him.
“I know I messed up, Kasey. But you can still talk to me if you need to.”
I didn’t doubt his sincerity. I had learned all too well that he was nothing if not honest.
He’d convinced me of that and of many other things during our first days at Blueville Correctional, when he explained the corner he’d been forced into as a result of my group staying.
“The Warden’s pissed because I let you folks stay here,” Michael had said. “He’s also pissed because you led that swarm straight to us. He could have his flunkies throw my ass out of here in the middle of the night and everyone else would be too afraid to stop it.”
The night the prison had been overrun, Warden Harvel disappeared. Since then we’d suspected he’d been the one who’d compromised the fences, allowing the deadheads to lay siege, but we were never able to prove it. As time passed and he didn’t reappear, we all agreed he probably died. It was a thought that cheered us up on bad nights.
Michael also had a habit of being too honest sometimes, and after one night in particular around the Fourth of July, his blunt honesty had placed a wedge between us. He wanted something I couldn’t give, or wouldn’t. The difference being such a small degree I didn’t waste much time thinking about it. Since then there had been an uncomfortable tension between us.
“Yeah, I know,” I said and pulled free of his grip. We stood there staring at each other for a moment, then I continued on to the house, leaving him stewing in the barn.
* * *
“Welcome home!” Nancy said after I walked through the door.
“Good to be back.”
I hung my coat up and sat down on the bench to take off my boots. We’d rearranged the large foyer’s furniture during our stay to better suit our needs. Instead of a large statue of a naked lady and a plant of some kind situated on either side of the front door, there was now a coat rack and a bench with storage compartments built into the bottom and along the sides, and a rack specially made to hang wet gloves. I believe one of the kids made that.
“Well, come on into the kitchen. I kept supper warm for you.”
I grunted and let out a breath while straightening up. Why do hunting boots have so many damn eyelets? Before kicking them off, I looked up at Nancy. It struck me how much she had aged in the year since we’d met.
“How have things been here?”
“Same as usual. Now come on,” Nancy said, swatting my elbow.
I followed her through the house, working on unbuttoning the flannel shirt I was wearing. It was stifling hot inside; beads of sweat were already popping out on my forehead.
“Where is everyone?” The house seemed quieter than usual. “Nancy, what did you do?” I had made it through to the sweat-soaked t-shirt underneath, and was wondering if Nancy had finally snapped and murdered the entire household.
She bumped the swinging kitchen door open with her hip. “Believe me, honey, the thought’s crossed my mind a time or two. Sit down, I’ll make your plate.”
She motioned toward the kitchen table and walked straight to the stove, never looking back and acting very casual. Too casual. I stopped dead in my tracks, the flannel already pulled down to my elbows, when I noticed we weren’t alone.
Mia was sitting at the table, gnawing on a piece of deer steak.
Sneaky, Nancy. Very sneaky.
I shrugged off the shirt and hung it on the back of the chair next to Mia. The wooden legs screeched when I pulled it out. Mia simply glanced in my direction for a moment before returning to her steak. I frowned and leaned back as Nancy brought my plate over. She took the seat across from us and leaned forward on her elbows,
her hands clasped tightly together. I picked at my supper: fried venison, green beans, and potatoes. It smelled great. For some reason I wasn’t very hungry. It had been a long day.
“Alright, girls. We’ve got a problem here, and I want it fixed. Jake already told me what went on out there, and it’s just us women now, so spill it.”
She stared back and forth between us. I was watching Mia out of the corner of my eye, wondering what she would say, and wondering if I should light a fire under her ass. I heard her growl before she pushed back her plate and returned Nancy’s stare.
“What’s going on is someone here is trying to fool herself into thinking everything is okay. That she’s okay, life is okay, I’m okay, you’re okay, every fucking thing is okay. That’s what is going on, Nancy.”
Mia’s voice rose gradually until she finally slapped her palms onto the tabletop, stood up, and stomped out of the kitchen. Nancy’s wide eyes stayed glued to that swinging kitchen door until it eventually ceased its back and forth dance. She turned her shocked expression on me. I have to admit, I was a little surprised as well. Apparently my angry friend hadn’t cooled off yet.
“Damn.” I shot Nancy an eyebrow. “Guess she told you.”
Then I promptly dug into my supper. Once Nancy realized I had closed the topic, she got up from the table and went to the sink. I kept my eyes on my plate and waited until I heard the clanking of dishes before breaking the tension.
“So, where did you say everyone was?”
“I didn’t.”
Her feelings were hurt. I didn’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure that out, judging by the way she was manhandling the dining ware. I finished off the green beans quickly, wiped my mouth with the napkin, and scooted back from the table.
“Listen, Nance,” I said, dropping the cloth over my plate and walking up behind her. “She’s just worried. And when she gets worried, she gets mad. It’s her thing. She’ll be okay.”
I rubbed her upper back and squeezed her shoulder. It still pulled on me to see the old girl hurting. She finally stopped banging the dishes and stood there quietly, her hands soaking in the soapy water. After a moment her shoulders rose with a sigh, then slumped with sadness.
“Why is she worried, Kasey? I’ve never seen the two of you argue or fight, not until recently. She had a burr in her ass before the three of you left. Maybe it’s none of my business...” Her voice trailed off.
“No, no. It is your business.” I reached up and squeezed both her shoulders. “It is, Nancy. You’ve been like a mom to us.”
I let go and stepped to the side, leaning against the counter next to her with my arms crossed. I stared at the floor, trying to decide whether or not to tell her that I’d been having hallucinations, seeing dead people who weren’t really there.
Nancy dried her hands and turned to face me. “You think I haven’t noticed the change in you? In everyone else? Of course I have. Is that why Mia is so upset?”
“I don’t know.” I clenched my jaw. “I know she’s upset that I won’t take a break, because of these changes you’re talking about. She wants to go back out there without me. She and Jake argued about it on the way back. He said no, she said yes. You know how it ended, I’m sure.”
“Oh yes, he told me all about that, but not the reason behind it.” She grew quiet and laid a hand on my arm. When the silence became obvious, I looked up into her face.
“I’m fine, Nancy. Just a little burned out is all.” I closed my hand over hers and gave it a squeeze.
“Alright, honey.” She wiped her hands on the front of her apron. “Course you’re fine, I don’t know what I was thinking. You know you need to make up with her though, right?” With that, Nancy turned back to her soapy dishes.
I closed my eyes and blew out a quiet sigh of relief.
“Yeah, I know. I’ll get right on that.” I squeezed her shoulder once more and shoved off the counter. “Thanks for supper.”
“Anytime. Hey, I think John and the others are in the Head Room, going over assignments for tomorrow.”
The “head room” was actually the large den adjacent to the living room. It got its nickname from the kids, because of all the animal mounts hanging on the walls. Deer, moose, elk, and one bear head. It just kinda stuck.
“Okay, I might drop in. Or I might just head up and shower. Hit the sack early tonight.”
I waited an extra beat in case she had more to say. She kept scrubbing the dishes, so I backed out of the doorway and headed toward the Head Room. I was pretty sure that by this time everyone would’ve heard about the fight and be aware of Mia’s position on me going back out. Most likely I’d be on wall duty for the next week or so as punishment for Andy’s death. I sure as hell wasn’t going to hide my face in shame. I hadn’t done anything wrong.
The den’s door was closed when I got there. The voices on the other side were muffled, yet it was obvious they were discussing something that had Jake bent out of shape. Even through an oak door, the trademark swearing could be made out with ease. I raised my fist to knock and paused, wondering whether to wait or plunge headlong inside. I figured they were talking about me, whether I should be “grounded” or not. I wasn’t aware of anything else going on that would cause Jake to tear into them like he was. After raising and lowering my fist three times, I said screw it and knocked twice. The muffled voices died immediately, and I heard footsteps approaching the door.
“Hey, girl, about time you got here,” John said. He grabbed me in a hug and pulled me inside, shutting the door behind me.
“Uh, thanks, John.”
I scanned the room. Everyone was there except Troy, Todd, and Eric. They must be on the wall. Troy was a pretty decent guy, but Dumb and Dumber had made my shit list about three weeks after settling in at the Winchester. Obviously the kids weren’t there either: this was a grown-up meeting, as Sam would’ve called it.
“Pull up a seat. We were just going over the assignments for the week.”
John patted me hard on the shoulder, as was his way, and pointed to an empty chair by the window. I spoke a word or two to the others as they said their various hi’s and welcome home’s, then sat down and relaxed back in the overstuffed leather chair. My fingernails tapping on the arm was the only sound in the room for an uncomfortable amount of time. It was quickly apparent to me that Mia was still pissed, as was Jake. Michael looked annoyed and John just seemed very tired. Only Abby and Jonah appeared to be totally at ease. That made sense. Abby didn’t give a shit most of the time and Jonah was hard-wired with a slow temper.
“Was I interrupting something? I can leave if—” I started to say. Michael’s hand flew up and stopped me.
“No. Stay. This concerns you.” He looked at John and signaled him to continue with whatever it was he’d been saying before I showed up.
“Alright then.” John glanced at me and leaned against the corner of the desk, lifting one leg and resting his thigh and part of his ass on the old walnut. He chewed on his bottom lip and rubbed one large hand against his pant leg, glancing around again, this time to everyone. “We were going over assignments for the week, Kasey. I’ve already given out theirs.” He waved a hand, gesturing to everyone but me. “Apparently some people aren’t happy with them, but it’s not up for discussion.” He glared hard at Jake at this last bit.
I made sure to make eye contact with Mia before speaking up. “Yeah I know what’s going on. I could’ve saved you a lot of trouble, if I’d known about this little meeting.”
Everyone except Jake gawked at me with doubt. I pointed a finger in his direction just as his mouth flew open.
“No. Shut it. Now.” I kept that finger pointed at him until he gave in, then turned my attention back to Michael and John. “I meant to talk to you both about taking a break. Looks like you beat me to it.”
The room grew very quiet. I suppose they were embarrassed, or nervous, or maybe they thought this was too personal of a topic to be discussing as a group. You’d think they had
been talking about my period, as stupid as they were acting. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“So…John, why don’t you tell me my assignment so I can shower up and get some rest?”
A few people cleared their throats; Jake literally bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut. Everyone except John was doing their level best to look at anything other than me. After a couple minutes of this I started to get worried. What the hell did they have planned for me?
“C’mon,” I said, my voice rising in pitch. “John?” I settled my eyes on the big man and noticed Michael was moving around the other side of the desk, coming in my direction. My eyes flicked back and forth between the two, then stopped on Mia. “What the hell did you tell them?” My hands were gripping the chair arms by this time and I had leaned forward in the seat.
“I didn’t tell them anything I haven’t already said to you. So just chill out, alright?” she answered.
It occurred to me then that I might have misunderstood the situation and as a result, was overreacting.
“You always overreact,” Ben said on my left. I refused to look, hoping his ghost would go away. It didn’t. “You overreact, then you get your friends killed.”
“Yeah, Kasey, let’s just all relax,” Michael said, suddenly at my right elbow.
I snapped my head around and stared at him, then leaned back and turned my attention to John. The only way I could get out of that room with even an ounce of credibility left was to sit there and keep my mouth shut. To literally force my body to settle down. I’d fake it if I had to.
After waiting a long moment for the air to settle, John finally dropped the hammer. “Waters wants you off the rotation. For good.”
Suffice it to say, I wasn’t expecting that. “Wait, what?”
“He thinks you’re a liability.” He held up a hand. “His words, not mine. Apparently, we’ve lost more ‘live’ ones during rescue missions than he thinks we should’ve. He says the majority of those deaths occur—” John grabbed a paper from the desk and scanned down the page. “Here it is. Blah, blah, ‘deaths occur while Miss Stratford is in command.’ End quote.” He tossed the paper back onto the desk and studied my face, his hands clasped together and resting on his thigh.
