Her dreams dropped away. And that’s what scared the hell out of her.
They were too immature and untested to head into a lifetime that came with settling down too early. They needed to grow, and she prayed they’d someday weave their lives back together. More importantly, she hoped he would see her points and ultimately forgive her for pushing him aside.
“It’s when I try something new, like when we went to that oxygen bar, or when I go out for drinks with people from work, or meet an executive from an advertising firm and he asks me out.” She searched for the right way to say it. “It’s like for that split second I’m tempted to be someone else.”
Tracie’s eyes narrowed in the disapproving scowl she’d perfected as the older sister of four brothers. “So all of this is because you want to date other people?”
Jennifer shook her head. That’s the part that never fit together in her mind. “No.”
“Are you sure?” Tracie asked.
“I would never cheat on Paul.”
“Then what?” Tracie spun the full cereal bowl around on the table.
Jennifer barely heard the thumping as the edges hit the wood. “I can’t figure out why it’s always so hard for us.”
“Maybe it’s not supposed to be easy.” Heather reached out and grabbed the bowl, putting it out of handling distance. “Maybe a relationship worth keeping takes more than that.”
“Probably.” Jennifer just said the word to fill in the gap.
“Isn’t that what the Duchess always told us? You put the time in and get out so much more.”
Tracie pressed her lips together. “Or maybe you’re just not ready.”
Jennifer picked the option that didn’t carry a weight of guilt and judgment. If the answer depended on measure of effort, that would mean she really did bail, just as Paul accused her of doing. “I think that’s it.”
Tracie glanced at Heather before she spoke. “Then let him go and move on. You both deserve that.”
They did. She did. He certainly did. But knowing and acting were two different things for Jennifer. “I don’t know if I can.”
Neil sat down at the opposite end of the couch and handed a beer to Paul. The game blared on the television and snacks littered the coffee table in front of them.
It was the first time Paul had ventured out of the house to do more than work or shovel out the driveway as his rental agreement required. Neil’s house was safe. It was a Jennifer-free space. No photos of her. No memories of her there, since she’d never been inside.
Beer, a remote control and unhealthy food. The place was a guy’s haven. Now if Paul could only get his best friend to stop looking at him like a worried grandmother.
“What?” Paul asked without taking his eyes off the screen.
“You okay?”
“Do I look okay?”
“Kind of like dogshit, actually.”
Paul smiled at that one. He knew it was true. He barely recognized the unshaven guy who greeted him in the mirror that morning. “Thanks.”
“Look, this isn’t a big deal.” Neil shifted in his seat and balanced his arm on the back of the couch.
“Did you miss the part where she left me because I’m . . . forget it. I really don’t know what the issue was.” Paul had lost count of the number of times he turned their conversations over his head, trying to find the answer. Trying to figure out a way to keep her from walking out on him in search of something better.
“It’s what you guys do.”
Paul stared at his friend. “What the hell does that mean?”
Neil held up his hands as if ready to block any blows that came his way. “Only that you guys have broken up before. This is not new.”
Paul balanced the bottle on his lap and leaned his head against the cushion behind him. “Not by my choice.”
“Yeah, well, women tend to drive these things. The good news is she keeps circling back around to you.”
“Not this time.”
“Come on. That’s the beer talking.”
“She’s moving on.”
The thought of her with another guy, of someone else spending time with her, watching movies with her on the couch. Another man touching her body and kissing those lips. The visual images drove him to madness.
Letting her walk out meant conceding she would go to another guy eventually. His brain fought the possibility as his stomach heaved.
“You don’t know that you’re over.” Neil peeled the label on his bottle. “Besides, Jennifer strikes me as faithful.”
“When we’re together, sure.”
“See?”
“We’re not now.”
“You’ve thought that before.”
“It feels different.” The break-up sat on his chest, pressing him down until he nearly choked from the force of it.
“How?”
Maybe they never said the actual words, but her eyes had said good-bye. “Not sure.”
“Then—”
“I can’t figure out how to hold onto her with a grip that doesn’t scare the crap out of her.”
Or how to let her go.
There it was. They couldn’t come up with a way to stay together, but their connection of years and memories refused to let them break apart in a clean and tolerable way.
“You met young,” Neil said.
“That seems like it should be a good thing.” Paul spent a lot of time wondering if he’d known then the never-ending sensual dance they would engage in throughout the years, how Jennifer would take his heart and never stop squeezing, if he would have walked away when Heather tried to introduce them. It was a matter of self-preservation.
Neil scoffed. “Nothing good comes out of high school. You of all people should know that.”
“School sucked, and I sucked at it.”
“Yeah, you had other things on your mind. Like figuring out where to sleep and how you were going to eat.”
Paul refused to dwell on those dark days. Being adopted and handed a bad hand was no excuse. Other people had it worse and got by. He survived and vowed never to hide behind the tough times or let them color everything else. Despite everything, he’d kept that promise.
Except where Jennifer was concerned. He couldn’t puzzle through her no matter how hard he tried. “But I’m a grown man now. I should be able to figure this out.”
“Do you forget there’s a woman involved? Bless their sexy little bodies, but they are pure trouble.”
“No kidding.”
“They twist you up . . . man, they hold all the power, and that bugs the shit out of me.”
“I can’t take it anymore.”
“I know, dude.” Neil shook his head in a moment of male-to-male sympathy.
Paul reached in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He handed a folded piece of colored paper to Neil. “Check this out.”
“What is it?”
“Scratch off lottery ticket.”
Neil smoothed it out and stared at it. Then his eyes widened. “Sweet damn, you won.”
“Ironic, isn’t it?”
Neil’s smile froze. “What do you mean?”
“She dumps me and I get ten thousand dollars.”
“Maybe your luck is turning.”
“Doubt it.”
Neil threw the ticket on the table. “Then maybe it’s the universe’s way of giving you a consolation prize.”
Paul had already come to that conclusion. “I’d rather have the girl.”
Ten
Try new things, grab every opportunity but stay true to who you are.
—Grandma Gladys, The Duchess
THEY HADN’T OFFICIALLY DATED FOR MONTHS. JENNIFER symbolically cut the ties with Paul by moving out of her apartment and into a cozy cottage on a tree-lined street in Toronto. The small space was soothing and warm.
Heather and Tracie joined in the start-over relocation. They’d packed up everything they owned, painted the walls in calming blue tones, and filled the rooms with a m
ix of flea market finds and family hand-me-downs.
Tonight the usually quiet house was packed. Music thumped in the background, and cool air moved through the open front and back door.
Tracie loved to celebrate her birthday big and this year was no exception. Men gathered on the back patio around the beer and argued about a play in some game that Jennifer didn’t care about. A few couples wandered in and out of the kitchen carrying small plates and whispering with their heads close together as couples tend to do.
Tracie grabbed Jennifer’s arm before she could try a piece of cake. They moved into the small hallway that led to the bedrooms. Tracie’s sense of urgency had Jennifer worrying something awful had happened.
“What’s wrong?” Jennifer asked.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“Paul.”
Just hearing his name sent a shot of longing spinning through her. He claimed that she was cold and distant, that she cut him off and didn’t care about his feelings. Maybe she deserved the emotional beating, but she never felt the detachment he accused her of.
She’d spent hours pouring over photos and remembering the good times. More than once she had to put down the phone and walk out of the room to keep from calling him.
But Tracie knew how much Jennifer missed him and wouldn’t mention his name with good reason. “What are you talking about?”
“I think she’s apologizing for me showing up before she could warn you.” Paul’s deep voice broke into the intimate girl chat.
Jennifer’s head shot up. She took in his jeans and black blazer, the hair ruffled by the breeze and shoulders broad enough to block out the room behind him. The color in his face made him look sun-kissed despite the chilly early spring days. Whatever he did with his time now, he did most of it outside. It suited him because he looked calmer than she’d seen him in a long time.
She searched her mind for the right greeting, the perfect blend of welcome and cool. When that failed, she went with the standard. “Hi.”
The sexy smile she knew so well crossed his lips. For a second, all of the fights faded into the background and she remembered the sweet boy who charmed everyone.
He slipped his hands into the back pockets of his pants. “Guess I’m a surprise.”
“I know this isn’t ideal, but he’s a friend and—” Tracie stepped between them with her hand on Paul’s chest.
For some reason, the protective move ticked Jennifer off. Her dear friend was watching out for him. As if an explosion were imminent and he needed a guardian. Him and not her.
“This is ridiculous. We’re not enemies.” Jennifer did a little subtle pushing of her own and slid to Paul’s side.
His smile widened. “Never that.”
At his calm reassurance, the muscles across her shoulders relaxed. She leaned over and kissed him on the check, ignoring the guy who pushed past them on the way to the bathroom.
As soon as Paul’s familiar, comforting scent hit her senses, she pulled back. “I’m happy to see you.”
His gaze made a quick tour of her body, heating every inch in its wake. “You look good.”
“You don’t look too bad yourself.”
“Always nice to hear that from a woman.”
Tracie’s gaze moved between Paul and Jennifer in fast beats. “I guess I should go check on everyone.”
Paul nodded. “We’ll be fine. No bloodshed on the new floors. I promise.”
That they even had to deal with Tracie’s intrusion confused Jennifer. She got the distinct impression her friend had come to a disturbing conclusion: Paul was the wronged party. There was no other reason for the scowling and hovering.
When the silence drew out too long, Jennifer filled the void. “You still doing construction?”
“I’m about to start some hydro utility work. I’ve got a four-month stint, so I’ll be in and out until the contract is done. The hope is that it turns into full time.”
A focus. He’d found a solid job with solid pay. She was happy for him even as a kick of regret landed in her stomach. “Sounds hard but fulfilling.”
“It’s dependable, and that’s all that mattered to me when I took it.” He leaned his shoulder against the doorjamb and pressed in closer to her. “You?”
“I’m doing event coordination now.”
“Okay, I can pretend otherwise, but I really have no idea what that is.”
They both laughed, and just like that the odd tension crackling around them evaporated. This was Paul. He knew every inch of her and had either lived through or heard every embarrassing story. Through everything, she’d always believed he wanted her to succeed and this time was no exception.
“I set up meetings and conferences. Run them. There’s some travel, but that’s not a bad thing.”
“You’d be good at that.”
“Why do you think so?”
He shrugged. “You’re friendly. People like you.”
“I tend to be someone who hovers in the background.” Shy was the word she’d always used to describe herself.
“You shine as soon as you’re comfortable.”
His words filled her with a giddiness that reminded her of seeing him for the first time at fifteen. “Still the sweet talker.”
“Still beautiful.”
If his voice hadn’t slipped into a husky growl against her senses she never would have asked the question. But it did, so she gave in. “Do you still like me?”
“Can you really not tell?”
She didn’t realize how much she missed him until she stood by his side locked in silly conversation. The comfort of just being together was a gift she missed. “I’m happy you came tonight.”
“I almost didn’t, but Tracie insisted it would be okay.”
“Tracie.”
He leaned in as if he were sharing top secret information. “Your best friend.”
“Yeah, I know who she is.”
The need to change the topic swamped Jennifer. “Want some cake?”
He barked out a laugh that bent him double. “That is not what I thought you were going to say next.”
This is the Paul she loved—bawdy and totally at ease with his sexuality. He didn’t play games or pretend. When he wanted something, he said it.
“Where is your mind?” she asked once he stopped laughing.
“You don’t want to know.”
But part of her did and always would. “Maybe I should get you some ice water instead.”
He lifted an arm toward the kitchen. “Lead on.”
It took hours for the house to quiet down and the crowds to clear. Paul lay on the couch, wearing nothing more than his underwear and a tee, and stared at the dark ceiling.
He should have stayed a few minutes at the party and then cleared out. Hung around for just enough time to keep Tracie from being upset. That had been his great plan.
Jennifer’s sexy black dress caused the problem. She showed off those long legs that sent him over the edge every time she wrapped them around him. One look at her silky hair and take-me-to-the-bedroom smile and he was a goner.
Not that staying and crashing on the couch made an ounce of sense. The self-imposed torture of laying right down the hall from her made him wonder if he had grown up at all since he’d last seen her. He was alone in the family room with a blanket and a flat pillow. Not exactly his idea of a hot night.
He closed his eyes, but a rustling noise had him opening them again. He could make out Jennifer’s silhouette in the shadows. She stood at the end of the couch with her hands folded in front of her.
It was as if thinking about her had made her materialize. But this was better than a dream. This was flesh and blood real. And when she walked toward him, his lower half jumped to life.
He slipped his arm behind his head so he could lift up and get a better look at her. He thought about throwing her a line but stayed quiet. She was stalking, seducing, and he was not about to mess that up by saying something stupid.
She stopped next to him, next to the hand at his side. From this short distance, he could see her bare legs, all pale and lean, peeking out from under a nightgown that barely covered her most interesting parts. Before he could reach out and touch it, she shifted and the material swept to the floor.
Not even his fantasies worked out this well.
His gaze moved over her naked body. Slim hips and high breasts. She was so damn sexy it hurt not to touch her. Then she was lifting the blanket and sliding over him.
Her fingers dipped into the waistband of his underwear as her lips pressed against his collarbone. In the silence she caressed and enticed him. Her hot mouth, her soft hands. She had his neck lengthening and his head pressing into the pillow. When he caught his breath again, he lifted his mouth and found hers.
The kiss set off fireworks in his skull. Every nerve in his body snapped to life. He was aware of her smell and her scent, her legs as they straddled him and her fingers as they peeled down his underwear.
They didn’t speak. Didn’t need to. This rhythm was as natural to them as breathing. They’d made love so many times that words were no longer necessary.
It was the talking and thinking that killed him . . . so he didn’t try either.
A half hour later, she sat up and grabbed her nightgown off the floor and slipped it over her head. “No matter how hard I try or how determined I am, I can’t stay away from you.”
He trailed his hand down her back as his muscles recharged. “We’re even, because I can’t say no to you.”
“What does that say about us, do you think?” She peeked over her shoulder and stared down at him with soft hazel eyes filled with confusion. “Really, I want to know because I don’t understand it.”
That made two of them. When it came to explaining this, he was as lost as she was. “No idea.”
“Hmmm.”
His body had barely cooled when his brain whirred to life. The truth hit him as hard as his attraction for her. “I just know we can’t keep doing this.”
“I know.” She stood up. Took five steps, then turned around.
“It’s killing me not to be with you. To get this close and then watch you walk away.”
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