Tracie was clueless. Jennifer added that flaw to the long list she’d mentally compiled on her former friend.
The one consolation was that Paul treated Tracie the same as he always had. He was protective and friendly. He never touched her or even winked at her.
“Jennifer? Your turn.” Ed held out his hand as he stood at the base of the ladder to the loft.
The crowd swelled around the piles of hay, and the din of laughter drowned out the music on the radio. Jennifer didn’t hesitate to take the risk despite the nerves jumping around in her belly. She climbed up the rickety steps, ignoring the creaks under her feet. She’d worn jeans and sneakers and left her hair unbound.
When she got to the top, she stared down from the rafters. She craved the wild freedom that would come with flying through the air but worried, with her recent bad luck, she’d miss the soft landing and go splat against the wooden floor.
Her gaze slipped to the right side and met Paul’s. He smiled, and her nerves vanished. She could let go and be fine.
The air blew past her and she fell—one second light and the next flopping into the crunchy hay. She squealed with delight. All fear disappeared. Now it was a matter of waiting her turn to try again.
They spent the afternoon playing in the barn and running through the cornfields like kids. They ate lunch on a blanket in the tall grass, then broke out the kayaks and explored the stream on the far side of the barn. The warm fall day called them outside and they stayed there. Even Tracie’s presence couldn’t ruin this one.
By three o’clock, Jennifer thought she would drop over. The sunshine and racing around stole her energy. When everyone returned to the barn for another round of hay jumping, she took a pass. She hovered by the door and took great pleasure in watching her friends dance and laugh.
Paul stepped up behind her. “Want to see something?”
The naughty tone made her laugh. “Now there’s a line.”
“True, but this is real and totally wholesome.”
“From you?”
“Amazing, isn’t it? But I can actually keep my mind off more interesting things now and then.”
It felt good to joke with him again. Their conversations had been so stilted and short since that night she saw him on the couch with another woman.
Jennifer glanced at Tracie, but she was too busy swinging from a rope hanging over the hay to notice the quiet conversation taking place right near her.
Jennifer forgot about Tracie the second after she saw her. “I’m game.”
With his hand on her elbow, Paul guided Jennifer to a flat area a few hundred feet from the barn. “Almost there.”
“Where?”
“Look.” He pointed at the dark, four-legged bundles climbing over each other and gnawing on the edge of the blanket. “Rott-weiler puppies.”
“Oh my god! They are adorable.” She fell to her knees and let the furry sweeties pounce on her. She massaged their ears and conceded to a round of demanded belly rubs from the fuzzy creatures.
Paul stood over her with his hands on his hips. “I’ve always wanted one.”
“You should absolutely get one.”
“When life is more settled and I’m not traveling for work. I’d have to keep them locked up all day, and I hate that. They need to run and play.”
Jennifer fell back on the grass and laughed as two puppies licked every inch of her face. “Save me!”
“You are outnumbered.” The amusement came through Paul’s voice loud and clear.
“Then help.”
He dropped down beside her. When he reached over to pick up the runt of the litter, two others bounded on his lap. The humans rolled in the grass, unable to speak through the choking laughter as they played with the puppies.
In the sunshine, wrapped in the scent of freshly cut grass, Jennifer felt a shot of pure joy. With the unconditional love of the puppies to keep them company, Jennifer and Paul wrestled with and petted the furry little guys while the rest of the world fell away.
They didn’t see or hear anyone else. The universe consisted of two people drowning in happiness.
The moment went on for what felt like hours. They reveled in the time together and the soft sweetness of the puppies. It wasn’t until the sun started to fade on the horizon and Ed walked up to them that the spell was broken.
“I see you found our newest household members.” Ed wrangled one of the furry boys and picked him up.
Jennifer sat up and rested a hand on Paul’s knee as she leaned over to kiss the cute little puppy he was holding. “They are so sweet.”
Ed lifted the little guy in his arms until they were face to face. “Spoiled.”
Paul didn’t take his eyes off the puppies. “They deserve it.”
Ed snorted. “Want one?”
“Wish I could.” Paul glanced at Jennifer and a warm smile lit his face. “Someday I’ll be ready.”
She nodded. “I think you will.”
“How could you do this to me?” Tracie threw her sweatshirt at Paul.
He trapped it against his chest in a rough catch and stood there. She was screaming loud enough to bring his neighbors running. She didn’t speak during the entire drive back from the farm. She sat in the back seat and let the conversation whirl around her. She didn’t participate. Didn’t even move.
He tried to drop her off at her place, but she insisted on coming to his. Listening was his first mistake. Once she hit the front door, she whipped her bag in a corner and launched into a rage-filled stream of accusations. She’d been yelling, asking questions and not waiting for answers, ever since.
“Calm down,” he said, knowing he was wasting his words.
“Why should I?”
He put down the drink he’d just retrieved and stepped out of the kitchen. Being away from the knives and heavy pans seemed like a smart move. There were limited potential weapons in the family room and more room to duck.
“What is wrong with you?”
“What do you think?”
Paul knew, just as he knew this explosion hovered in their future. Tracie saw something that wasn’t there. He’d tried to ignore it and push her off, all while maintaining their friendship. Some days that was harder than others. Today it proved impossible.
“I’ve clearly upset you,” he said.
“Don’t you dare sound reasonable. You don’t get to be the stable one. Not after what you did.”
They stood on opposite sides of the couch. He wondered if that was enough of a boundary to save him. “We enjoyed a few hours with some friends. That’s why we went up there in the first place. I don’t see the problem.”
She screwed up her lips in a scowl filled with hate. “Don’t try to weasel your way out of this. I saw you with Jennifer.”
He’d figured that out from the silent treatment during the car ride home. He’d been so wrapped up in the perfect moment he failed to notice Tracie hovering nearby. He never wanted to hurt her, but he hadn’t asked for her obsession. He certainly hadn’t promised to stay away from Jennifer.
“We were playing with the dogs. It was innocent. But, really, it’s none of your business.”
Desperation clawed at him. No matter how much sadness she aimed at him, he needed to hold on to the memory of the afternoon. The barn and water had been a great time, but playing with those dogs meant everything. Seeing Jennifer that carefree reminded him of the girl he once knew. Of the woman who stole his heart years ago and still owned it.
Loving one woman while another built her unrealistic expectations around him sent guilt crashing over him. He hadn’t cheated or even done anything to make Jennifer question his loyalty, but he felt as if he’d broken vows to both women.
He exhaled, trying to figure out the best way to diffuse the situation. “Tracie, don’t do this.”
“You are cheating on me.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. We’re not together.”
“Then try this. You still love Jennifer.”
/> He couldn’t deny it. Couldn’t laugh it off. So he ignored it and plowed through. “We’re friends. Hell, you’re Jennifer’s roommate. Do you want us to pretend we don’t know each other?”
“I’d settle for you acting as if you don’t want to be with her.”
The words sat there for a second. He’d struggled so hard to spare Tracie’s feelings on this and hide his own. Jennifer kept begging for that, and he had to comply to survive with some of his dignity intact. Still, the past bubbled up on him now and then.
He looked at Tracie, the woman who had always helped him and supported him, and fumbled with the right words. “You and I are not together. Not like that. We never will be. It can’t happen.”
He saw a flicker of something in her eyes, something he could not identify. For the first time since that one telling night, he realized how she acted might have less to do with him than he thought. “Is this about guilt?”
Tracie lifted her head as if she’d smelled something awful and needed to rise above it. “I do not feel guilty.”
“Really? You’re trying to date your friend’s ex.”
Tracie continued to hold her body stock still. “You would take Jennifer back in a second if she gave you the chance.”
That was his shame. His weakness. “That’s my business.”
Tracie put her hands on the back of the couch and leaned in. “She dumped you.”
He fought off that reality every day and didn’t want to hear it now. “Yeah, thanks. I got that.”
This time Tracie’s shoulders fell and a small gasp escaped her throat. “How can you still feel something for her? After the way she left?”
“I’ll always have a special place for Jennifer. We’ve known each other for years.”
Tracie stepped up and grabbed his arms as if willing him to listen. She tried to shake him, but she wasn’t strong enough to move him. “You’ve known me for almost as long.”
He didn’t want to allow the comparison of Tracie and Jennifer into his head. “It’s not the same. I don’t want to hurt you—”
“Too late.” Tracie dropped her hands to the side. “I hate you right now.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Not good enough.” She turned and stormed away.
Paul could only hope she didn’t lead Jennifer to think something more had happened between them as payback for his stolen happiness feeding her pain.
Thirteen
The forgive and forget motto is overrated.
Ignore it.
—Grandma Gladys, The Duchess
“YOU’RE LEAVING,” TRACIE SAID FROM THE DOORWAY a few months later.
Jennifer did not take even a second to look up from her suitcase. She’d been packing all day. Boxes sat around her room as she tried to figure out what to take and what to give away. “I found a place closer to work.”
“Another house?”
“An apartment. It’s less expensive, which makes sense since I’m traveling for the job these days.”
“Really?”
“I just said so, didn’t I?”
Jennifer didn’t even try to be civil. They spoke about house stuff and nothing more. Jennifer couldn’t stand to be near her former friend, and she sure didn’t like the way Paul now acted when he came by. He didn’t joke or laugh with her anymore— ever since that day on the farm, when they’d played with the puppies. Something had happened between him and Tracie after he gave her a lift in his car. . . . and she didn’t return home till the wee hours of the morning.
What that something was, Jennifer didn’t know. She didn’t have the right to ask Paul, and Tracie had never offered the information, but the dynamics in the atmosphere when the three of them shared breathing space had gone from bad to worse. The situation made Jennifer sick.
“You sure there’s not another reason you’re leaving?” Tracie asked.
Jennifer wadded up the sweater in her hands and threw it in her bag. “Like?”
“I don’t know.” Tracie stammered and stuttered.
“What are you asking me?” Jennifer flung open the top of her suitcase and began filling it. Fast. She couldn’t leave soon enough.
“This is just sudden. That’s all.”
Not to Jennifer. She’d been planning the move out for months. She’d tried to see Tracie’s perspective and push all the bad feelings deep down so she could bury them. It didn’t work.
Seeing Tracie made Jennifer furious. If anything, the anger grew with each day instead of shrinking. Heather had the same reaction.
“I’ve been thinking of going for a long time,” Jennifer said.
Tracie came the whole way into the room. She looked at the bed covered with clothes and magazines like she wanted to snuggle in and have a girl talk.
Jennifer wasn’t having it. Those days were gone. She shoved her suitcase to the edge of the bed and blocked Tracie’s path. The act was juvenile, but Jennifer didn’t regret it. Things would be much worse if she actually unlocked her tongue and spewed all the horrible things bottled up inside her. Holding back was the only concession she could muster.
“You didn’t really give me any notice. How long have you been planning the actual move?” Tracie asked in a small voice.
Jennifer almost said the exact date but passed on the opportunity. “Months.”
“We’re not going to see much of each other after you go.”
That was the idea. “Real friends stay in touch. It’s a loyalty thing,” Jennifer said with her coldest smile.
The shot would be as close as Jennifer got to telling Tracie off. She’d vowed not to whine or beg, but she made an exception for this tiny piece of passive-aggressive behavior.
Tracie stared at her nails. “And Heather is leaving.”
“In a few weeks.”
“So it’s just me.”
“You could always ask Paul to move in.” Jennifer almost choked on the sentence. The idea of him moving in and playing house with Tracie made the blood rush out of Jennifer’s head.
“It’s not like that.”
Good for Paul.
Jennifer didn’t care about Tracie’s problems. She created the situation and could live with it. “You can always get a roommate.”
Tracie reached out her hand but stopped short of pressing hand to hand. “Jennifer . . .”
She moved out of touching range. “What?”
Tracie’s body shrank in on itself. “Nothing.”
Jennifer thought the word summed up the state of their relationship really well. “That’s right. Nothing.”
A year passed before she heard from Paul again. They knew many of the same people and would wind up across the room at parties, but Jennifer tried to limit those contacts. Being near him made leaving again all that much harder.
When she heard his name on the other end of the phone this morning, a thrill moved through her. When he asked if they could meet downtown for a walk at lunch, she couldn’t say no. Despite everything, regardless of the wall she erected between them and continued to reinforce, she missed him.
She walked down the path with her coat wrapped around her and belted at the waist. The morning rain had broken open into a bright blue sky. Her heels clicked against the pavement as she approached the bench where they agreed to meet.
Even from a good distance away, she saw him. The sunshine lit his tawny hair. He’d clipped it shorter in a professional style that spoke to a grown-up job. He wore khakis and a blue sweater. The casual outfit suited him. He managed to look classy and sexy without being overdone.
As she moved closer, his head shot up and a warm smile burst across his lips. By the time she got to his side, he was on his feet. For a second she had a flash of the boy he’d been. The charm lingered there, but so did something else. A maturity and comfort she hadn’t seen before.
He held her hand and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. “You look good. Always do.”
“And you can still sweet talk any woman you want.”
He held his body different from before. She noticed the change right away. When they sat down and he stretched his arm behind her on the bench and his legs out in front of him, he did it with a practiced ease.
“I was surprised you called,” she said as her gaze did a loving sweep of his face.
“Seemed like it was time.”
“Why now?”
“Things would happen in my life and I’d pick up the phone to call you and then hesitate.”
“There was nothing stopping you.”
He exhaled. “I didn’t like the way things ended.”
She hated that part, too. Losing the close relationship she thought she had with Tracie and all those years of investment and intimacy was bad enough. Walking away from him and breaking what connection remained broke her heart.
“Me either,” she whispered when her throat threatened to close.
“Thought we could see each other, enjoy an hour without all the other distractions and old arguments.”
“That’s a good plan.” A group of young men hollered and cheered while they threw a ball around in the field to their right, but she could hear Paul just fine. “How’s Tracie?”
Paul glanced at his watch. “It took you three minutes longer than I thought it would to mention her.”
“Can you blame me?”
“Actually, no.”
He looked at her then, all teasing gone.
“We were never together, Jennifer. What you saw on the couch that day—”
“Was none of my business.”
His fingers tapped against the bench behind her. “Yet what you think you saw then is between us even now.”
A huge ball of regret landed in her stomach. Amazing how a little conversation could shift everything into perspective. For weeks, she’d insisted to Heather that only Tracie was to blame. Now Jennifer realized she’d spread the blame evenly between Tracie and Paul, and it did him a disservice.
“It really doesn’t matter anymore.” She had to clear her throat twice to get the words out.
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