Fifteen
Not every relationship has to be forever but be sure to know the difference.
—Grandma Gladys, The Duchess
PRESTON HANDED THE MENU TO THE WAITER. “SHE’LL have the fish.”
Jennifer lowered her napkin to her lap and stared across the white linen to the other side of the table. She waited until the waiter left the table to say anything. “I was thinking of a steak.”
“Too heavy.”
“Me or the meat?”
“You’ll love the fish.” Preston smiled at her over the top of his wine glass. “Trust me.”
“This isn’t really a trust issue.”
He winked at her. “Wouldn’t you rather talk about something else?”
“I’d rather have the steak,” she muttered at his dismissal.
“Jennifer,” he said in that warning tone that made her jaw snap shut.
“What?”
“We are in this beautiful restaurant on this lovely night.” He reached across the table and folded her hand in his. His thumb traced her knuckles as his voice slipped into husky territory.
“Surely we can think about other things to discuss.”
She tried to block out the warning bells ringing in her ears.
“Like what?”
He pulled his hand back. “Anything would be preferable.”
“Of course.”
But she couldn’t block out the growing tentacles of dread. They wrapped around her and squeezed until she couldn’t breathe.
At first she’d thought his habit of ordering for her was sexy, kind of chivalrous. It showed off his knowledge of wines and love of food. After an unending menu of fish and salad, she wondered if something else was at play.
She’d lost more than ten pounds since they started dating. She wasn’t dieting, but he seemed to be monitoring and guiding her food choices.
She hated that.
She glanced around the upscale restaurant. All the men wore expensive suits and sat with women clad in elegant black dresses. They gave off an air of careful perfection. She sensed it hid a chilling cold inside.
Silverware clanked and almost none of the couples engaged in conversation. It was as if the universe threw together a bunch of random, well-dressed strangers and forced them to sit down to eat. No matter how hard she tried, Jennifer couldn’t pick out a single twinge of warmth in the room.
Her gaze wandered to Preston as he signaled for the waiter. Their clothes mirrored everyone else’s seated at the round tables outlining the room’s central fireplace. At least on the outside. Underneath, she wore the lacy matching underwear and thighhighs he’d purchased for her and laid out on the bed as she showered.
After only ten months he’d fallen into the habit of picking out her underwear and her food. It made her worry about what he’d try to control by the time they hit the twelve-month mark. If they even made it that far.
Some days she wanted to end it. Others, the relationship fed her like a drug.
“I found a place.” She dropped the conversation nugget even knowing it could touch off a prickly debate.
He froze in the act of swirling his wine. “When?”
“This afternoon.”
He blinked twice. “On your own?”
Sometimes he acted like she needed a chaperone to go to the bathroom. Never mind that she had a college degree and high-powered job. “My apartment lease is up.”
“Yes, I understand that.”
“Well, I couldn’t wait any longer. I didn’t have a choice.” Never mind the fact she snuck away to handle it without him. It was cowardly and dumb, but she didn’t want the hassle. Picking an apartment was personal and shouldn’t require a verbal battle.
“We talked about this.”
“No, you talked about this.”
He frowned at her before waving the poor requested waiter away from their table. “Why are you acting like a child?”
“You mean, like I have a brain.” She couldn’t stop pushing him, despite the rage she saw burning in his eyes.
“Is now really the time for this?”
She glanced at the table next to theirs and saw a fifty-something woman staring back. “I guess not,” she mumbled.
“Exactly. There’s no reason for us not to move in together.”
She knew he would keep at it until she caved. That was their pattern. She held firm, he poked, and she gave in out of pure exhaustion. Sometimes it was just easier not to argue.
But she tried anyway. “I’m not ready.”
“That is ridiculous.”
“Why?”
He broke his rule and put his elbows on the table. The move allowed him to stretch across the table and lean in closer. “We already spend every evening together.”
“Not quite.”
His eyes narrowed. “Why are you afraid?”
Because she wasn’t dumb. “I’m not.”
“Listen.” He held his hand to his ear. “Do you hear it?”
“What?”
“The patter of feet.”
“What?”
“You’re running scared.”
Jennifer glared at the woman seated next to them, who was making no attempt to hide her annoying eavesdropping. The lady nearly slid off her chair and fell to the floor while trying to listen in.
Jennifer dropped her voice lower to see if the other woman would climb up on the table to keep up with the conversation. “I just want to remain independent.”
Preston laughed. “Isn’t it too late for that?”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Jennifer didn’t even try to hide her anger that time. The volume of her voice climbed until the other woman’s dinner companion joined in the staring.
“We’re together,” he said.
“And we can be together with separate apartments. We’ve done it so far and have done fine.”
“But imagine what we could accomplish from the same apartment.”
Jennifer thought about some of their late-night adventures and flopped back in her chair. “Nothing legal, I imagine.”
The waiter set the salad down in front of her. The sudden urge for a creamy soup overwhelmed her. She thought about shoving the fennel aside and ordering what she wanted.
Only the sexy smile on Preston’s lips stopped her. “If we eat really fast we can find something better to do this evening.” He leaned over to their unwanted eavesdroppers. “Maybe you ladies would care to join us?”
They sputtered. One pressed her hand against her chest as if to ward off an impending heart attack.
“I was thinking we’d try one of those swingers’ clubs.” His smile never wavered as he looked from one lady to the other. “Interested, ladies?”
They pulled away fast enough to move their table sideways and a foot in the opposite direction.
“Well, that’s unfortunate,” he said in his most proper voice.
Jennifer watched it all with a hand slapped across her mouth. It was either that or fall over laughing. The scene was so typically Preston. He controlled his surroundings and always had that one droll comment that would break through her frustration and wipe out all the bad stuff.
Preston sat straight in his chair again and smiled at Jennifer. “Looks like it’s just us.”
She bit her bottom lip. “Guess so.”
He moved the lettuce around with his fork. “That’s a shame. We could have given them something to tell their friends.”
“I think you just did.”
“Are you going to marry her?”
Paul stood on the boat’s deck and watched the other members of the dive plunge into the frigid Atlantic Ocean. He conducted a final test on his mask while Neil talked.
Keeping up with the conversation proved tough, but Paul picked out the word marriage and knew this wasn’t a topic he cared all that much about. “Who?”
“Who do you think I’m talking about?” Neil grabbed onto the rail when the boat rocked beneath them. “Wendy.”
“We’re about to check out a scuttled ship, one of the best dive sites off Nova Scotia, and you’re talking about my love life?”
“Just asking a question.”
“I’d rather focus on the HMCS Saguenay right now.” Paul glanced over the side but couldn’t see anything more than the other divers in the water. The sky was a bright blue but the air was cool.
And he wanted to concentrate on the Atlantic and everything lurking in the water underneath them.
They’d flown almost two hours to Lunenburg and paid a decent fee to get places on this tour. Through all of that, he hadn’t given Wendy a thought. He knew that was wrong, but it’s how his mind worked. He was focused on this dream vacation. It was all that mattered.
“Besides, it hasn’t even been a year yet.” It was the same argument Paul used when Wendy dropped a hint the week before.
Truth was, he didn’t plan on marrying anyone. He’d given everything to a woman who walked out on him . . . repeatedly. He was older now but little had changed. He’d tried to work up the same level of feeling for Wendy and a line of women before her, all without success.
He was beginning to think that the depth he experienced with Jennifer happened once, and if you didn’t grab it, you lost it. From there, you were doomed to achieve almost but no more.
“Is there a time limit for these things with women? Seems to me they start thinking about weddings and other crap the second they decide you’re good enough to sleep with,” Neil said.
“You been hanging out with a lot of women lately?”
“Not as many as I want.”
“Now that I can understand.” Paul took his position next to the open railing at the side of the boat. He was ready to put land and this conversation behind him.
“She mentioned it, you know.”
Paul’s head shot up. “What?”
“You heard me.”
The guy waiting to go after them shifted his weight around. “Uh, I thought you two wanted to dive today.”
Neil waved the other man off and focused on Paul. “Wendy told Sharon you were the one.”
Paul shuffled to the side so the guy could take a turn with the instructor’s help. “When?”
“At the party last week. Brian heard it, too.”
Paul shook his head. Leave it to his roommate to keep a big thing like that quiet. Thanks, Brian. And thanks to Sharon, Neil’s girlfriend, for gossiping to Neil and otherwise making Paul’s dive miserable. “Brian never mentioned it.”
“This is more of a chick thing,” Neil said.
“Then why are we talking about it?”
Neil grew more serious. “Consider it a warning.”
“Meaning?”
“I know you’re still hung up on Jennifer.”
“That’s long over.” Paul could finally say the words without doubling over.
For years he refused to think them, let alone speak them. Now he could talk the talk without feeling anything. The reality of losing her numbed him to everything else.
“If you say so.”
“Can we dive now?” Paul got back into position.
“Just know that I’ll say ‘I told you so’ when the time comes and Wendy starts making demands.”
Paul planned to push that day off as long as possible. “Keep this up and I’ll drown you while we’re down there.”
“Fair enough.”
Three years passed before Jennifer could catch up with everything happening around her. She was facing another end of a lease and increased pressure from Preston to move in together.
His hands fell on her shoulders and gently shifted her position until she looked out the ten-foot windows of the warehouse loft. “My friend was right about this place.”
Preston got a lead about the loft but was told they had to move fast if they wanted it. As usual, Preston’s connections led her to something she’d only heard or dreamed about.
“It’s amazing.” She’d never been so impressed by a thing before.
Her usual taste ran to cozy cottages. This place oozed character and cried out for nightly parties. The neighbors were businesses who shut their doors at the end of every business day. Here they would have privacy and not have to worry about making too much noise or irritating the people downstairs.
The set designer who last rented the apartment updated the kitchen and laid out every inch to perfection. The place was about a thousand square feet with soaring twenty-foot ceilings. The walls were painted a soothing color and the furniture arranged to highlight the bright light and dramatic view.
Jennifer wanted it the moment she saw it.
“It’s perfect for us,” he said.
“What’s the rent?” When Preston told her, she blew out a disappointed breath. “No way.”
“What?”
“That’s way too expensive.” She’d have to cut out everything including the utilities to swing it, and that level of deprivation didn’t do anything for her. It wasn’t practical. She wasn’t even sure it was possible on her salary, even with reasonable expenses and low debt.
“There’s a solution.” He turned her around in his arms until her gaze met his.
She knew what he was about to say and cut off the mantra before he could chant it. “I know what you’re going to say.”
“And?”
“Honestly?”
“Of course.”
“I promised myself I’d never live with a man.”
She believed in her heart that sort of commitment meant marriage and children, and she didn’t see either with Preston. Ever. He was fun and wild and took her into the life she’d known as out there, just beyond her reach. With him, she could have all that. Everything except a real future.
“I’m thinking we’ve done a lot of things together you never thought you’d do. Probably a few you didn’t imagine were possible. What’s this one final step?”
She felt the heat hit her cheeks at the subtle reminder of some of the more out-there parties he’d taken her to. “I know you don’t think so, but there are some parts of me that are very conventional.” “You’re not in Sarnia anymore, Jennifer.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” But she knew. He’d said the words often enough for her to know how little he thought of her life before him.
“You left there to escape your sheltered existence.”
“That’s not—”
“You walked away from the safe road a long time ago.” He cupped her cheek as his thumb brushed over her lips. “You were strong.”
“I am strong.”
“But now you see something you want and you’re backing away.” He placed a quick kiss on her lips. “I want to know why.”
“It’s a lot of money.”
“You’re making up problems. Together we can swing it.” His blue-eyed gaze lasered in on her.
She felt the heat and determination run through every part of him. He vibrated with the need to win her over. To convince her and reel her in.
“You once told me you wanted a life that was more exciting than your dreams.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her tight to his side.
“True.” Her gaze followed his arm as he swept around the large space.
“You can have everything you want. All you have to do is open your mind and take the step. Say yes.”
She took in the windows and the the shiny floors. Saw the potential and ignored the realities. “Yes.”
His hold tightened. “Good girl.”
Sixteen
There is a wild side in you that’s dying to get out.
Give it air and room to breathe.
—Grandma Gladys, The Duchess
“IT’S A PARTY , NOT A FUNERAL. OF COURSE, IT’S A GOTH party, so you could technically call it both.” Preston looked in the full-length mirror attached to their bedroom wall and ran his fingers through his perfect hair.
Jennifer wanted to kick him with her black stiletto boots. Ten minutes ago, he threw half of her c
lothes on the floor and declared them matronly. Now he joked as if nothing had ever happened.
Maybe she should kick him twice.
He finally stopped looking at his reflection and stared at her through the mirror. His mouth was flat and his expression unreadable. “What? Are you actually pouting?”
She couldn’t stop shaking long enough to make a face. She’d lost control of her limbs and didn’t know if it was due to fear or fury.
Four months into living together and he had morphed into a man who wanted to control her in every way. Oh, he still charmed her and those around her, but the other side of him snuck out more regularly now. The part of him that demanded complete allegiance.
“I am a grown woman. I can pick my own clothes.”
He rolled his eyes. Even threw in one of his you’re-an-idiot snorts. “That’s debatable.”
She ignored the verbal and visual smack down. “I know how I want to look.”
He held up his hand. “That’s enough.”
“Excuse me?”
“The conversation is tiresome.”
Kicking no longer seemed sufficient. “So is your attitude.”
“You’re acting like a petulant child.”
“According to you.” She yelped when he turned around and leaned over her on the bed. Caging and trapping her until the need for flight burned up her throat. “What are you doing?”
One minute she sat with her legs hanging over the side and her body wrapped in a towel. The next she was dangling naked in his arms.
He treated her to a cold smile. “I was merely making a suggestion about your wardrobe. Stop acting like it’s something more.”
“You issued a command.”
He lowered her back to the ground and brushed his hand down the back of her cheek. “So dramatic.”
“I didn’t—”
He pressed a finger against her lips. “You like when I take over.”
“No.” What started as exciting had slowly gotten stranger. The dark side of his personality seeped into every aspect of their lives. Nothing was off limits to him.
But she couldn’t blame Preston for showing her parts of the city and a nightlife she knew existed but had never seen. She went willingly just to satisfy her nosy gene. The life fed her curiosity and need for a world outside the one she’d known back in Sarnia.
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