by T. J. Klune
Anna pulls my wallet out of the tux pocket and shows my ID as I hold the Kid. Once the nurse seems to be satisfied, I tell her Anna can get information in my stead. The nurse reluctantly agrees but must see something in my eyes that tells her I’m not in any mood to be fucked with.
“Where are you going?” the Kid asks me, starting to panic again. He clings to my neck, the suit coat.
“I have to make sure everything else is okay,” I tell him as gently as I can with a voice that I don’t recognize. “I promise I’ll be back, okay? Anna will stay with you the whole time.”
The Kid looks like he wants to resist, but he allows Anna to help him slide down me, and she takes his hand and pulls him close, hugging him to her side. He’s still shaking. It’s almost impossible for me to walk away.
But I do.
I make it down the elevator and try to find someone who can help me, anyone who can point the way. I finally come to a nurses station and a name comes to me: Moore. Dr. Moore. I ask the nurse on duty if she can page Dr. Moore. She tells me she can and asks me to have a seat. I do, only because I don’t know where else to go.
I watch my hands as an unknown amount of time passes. My thoughts are jumbled and tied together, the common thread being Otter. Otter is there no matter where I look. Is he alive? Is he awake? How bad is he hurt? He’s such a baby when it comes to pain, and I don’t know how much I can stand the thought of him hurting. He complains when he stubs his toe, and for such a big guy, it’s funny. It’s so funny it hurts. And… it’s… and….
He can’t. He just can’t.
“Derrick McKenna?” A voice says.
I look up and see an older woman staring down at me, a soft look on her face. She’s in scrubs, and for a moment, I think they’re covered in blood, but it’s just my mind playing tricks on me and the illusion vanishes as quickly as it arrived.
“Dr. Moore?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “Dr. Moore is in surgery, Derrick. My name is Dr. Woods. I was asked to come out and give you what information we have.”
I’m almost able to breathe a sigh of relief. “So… you can tell me things? Even though he’s my….” I can’t finish because of the lump in my throat.
But she’s kind and seems to understand. “Yes. You’re listed as next of kin, which is just fine for now. We may need to make some… medical decision in the future, but for now, we’re okay.”
“There he is,” I hear a woman cry out. “Derrick!” I look up and see Alice and Jerry running toward me. Alice looks like she’s been crying, and Jerry’s face is lined and hard. I try to stand, but my legs won’t work, and they come to me, and I’m surrounded by them as they hug me and ask me what I know, to please say he’s okay, and that they’re here now, that I won’t have to be alone, but is he okay?
Dr. Woods clears her throat.
“Otter’s parents,” I say.
Dr. Woods arches an eyebrow. “Otter?”
“Nickname. Oliver. This is Dr. Woods. She was about to tell me stuff, I think.”
“He can hear everything we can,” Alice snarls. “He’s my son’s partner.”
“She knows that,” I say, trying to calm her down. “She said she could tell me because Otter already made sure that if something happened, I wouldn’t be left out.”
“How is he?” Jerry asks.
“He’s in surgery right now,” Dr. Woods says. “He has a broken femur”—she points to her left thigh—“and a broken radius”—she points to her left arm. “There also appears to be a laceration to his kidney, but that doesn’t look too severe. What we’re most concerned about at the moment is the swelling in his brain. It appears he hit his head against the window when he was struck. It’s too soon to say if there is any damage there that needs to be addressed, but if the swelling does not go down in a day or two, most likely a portion of his skull will need to be removed to help relieve the pressure there. Once the swelling has gone down, we’ll be able to perform a CT scan with some dye that we’ll inject to be able to determine if there is any brain damage.”
Words. So many words. And all I can hear is “brain damage.” That’s all I focus on. That’s all there seems to be.
“Now,” the doctor continues, “he’s going to be in surgery for a while longer, and then he’ll be moved into the ICU, and you’ll be allowed to see him. I will tell you that no matter how much I can prepare you, no matter what I say to you, it’s always a shock to see a loved one after having been involved in an accident. He won’t necessarily look like the Oliver that you know. He’ll have some pretty severe bruising, some superficial burns on his arms and face from the airbag. He’ll be hooked up to a respirator to assist him with his breathing. There are other machines he’ll be hooked up to that monitor his vitals. He’ll have stitches above his right eye for a cut he sustained, and temporary casts on his leg and arm. But, he still is the Oliver you know. He is still your son and partner and that is what you have to remember.” Her face and voice are kind. It’s almost too much. “I think it’s safe for you all to be cautiously optimistic. He’s a big guy, and he’s in great shape, so his body will be able to heal because of that. He won’t wake up right away, and it actually may be up to a couple of weeks, so just please remember to have patience. I like to think that people in his situation can hear you, so talk to him, love him, let him know you’re there.”
Jerry and Alice ask question after question, but I’m numb. Cautiously optimistic? What does that even mean? Proceed with caution. Caution means to slow down. To be wary. To be watchful.
“When can I see him?” I blurt out, interrupting the conversation around me.
Dr. Woods watches me for a moment. “Did you say his nickname was Otter?”
I nod, a tear spilling from my eye.
“You wouldn’t happen to be Bear, would you?”
“Yes,” I gasp out.
She smiles sadly at me as she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a plastic bag, smeared lightly with blood. Inside I see a wallet. It’s Otter’s. That’s Otter’s blood. My eyes burn.
She opens the bag and pulls out a piece of paper with bloody fingerprints on it wrapped around a little box. “I think this is yours. He had it clutched in his hand when he was brought in here. The EMTs told us that he was conscious for a brief moment at the scene when they arrived, and that he said he couldn’t lose what was in his hand, that he needed to get to Bear. He… seemed to think you were in the car. It was still in his hand when they brought him in, and the note has your name on it, and I knew he’d want you to have it. I put a rubber band around it to hold them together.”
She hands the bag to Jerry and the note-wrapped box to me. The blood is still tacky against my hands. Otter’s blood. In my hands.
Dr. Woods tells us that she’ll be back once she has an update, and that we should just sit tight for now. She’ll let us know once he’s done with surgery and we can see him.
I wait until she walks away before I start to breathe again.
This box. This little box in my hand.
I slide off the rubber band and peel off the note, opening it to see Otter’s handwriting mixed in with the Kid’s scrawled across the lined paper, the blood smudging some of the words, but not enough to make them illegible. I wish they were. The words are a beginning, and I feel like I’m at the end.
Bear! Bear! Bear!
I’ve something to say! Don’t be scared!
Bacon is bad! Beef is wrong!
Mad Cow Disease stays with you for a time that’s long!
I want you to be mine, can’t you see?
That’s why I am down, down on my knee!
It may not yet be legal,
but it’s better than eating a beagle,
so won’t you please marry me?
The note flutters from my hand and falls to the floor.
“Bear?” Alice asks, her voice shaky, but she’s so far away. “Bear, what’s wrong?”
The little box. I open it. Alice and Jerry Thompson g
asp.
Two rings, side by side. Silver catching the harsh lighting. One’s bigger than the other and it’s this one I lift out. It’s heavy. An inscription on the inner curve: O & B Forever. It’s on the little ring too.
Before I know what I’m doing, I’m running. I’m running down the hallway. I’m running through the doors. Running out into the night, the parking lot. I fumble with my keys because I’m practically blind with rage and fear and somehow I make it in the car and start it up and tear out of the parking lot without hitting anyone. I’m driving and driving and driving, retracing my steps from earlier in the night until I’m back on the beach. Back on the beach where I’d begged that bastard God to give me back what is mine. I tear down the hill, the sand flying up around me.
The only sound is the waves. The ocean.
I look up at the sky and scream. No words come out, but the anger is like fire, and my mind is ablaze because I hate God. I hate him so fucking much. He’s done this to me. He’s trying to take from me. He won’t ever let me be happy. He watches and watches and watches for ways to make my life miserable. It’s unfair. I get something finally, something that resembles happiness, that resembles a life, and he takes it away from me.
My feet feel wet, and I realize it’s because I’m knee-deep in water, still screaming. But I seem to have found my words: “You give them back, you fucking asshole! They’re not yours! They never belonged to you!” The box clutched into my hand cuts into my palm, like it’s telling me, “I’m here, I’m here,” and I have to stop myself from chucking it as hard as I can out into the ocean. The ocean whose waves are now at my waist.
“I’ve done everything! I’ve given up everything! What fucking more do you want me to do! You bring them back to me, goddammit!”
I don’t know how long I’m doing this, how long I scream at God as the waves crash around me. One knocks me over and my head goes under, and saltwater goes up my nose and I choke, sand and grit in my eyes. I break the surface as I stand, sputtering out my anger, trying to inhale, to fill my lungs, but I can’t seem to catch my breath. I try to curse him again, but I begin to retch instead, my stomach cramping painfully. My head is pounding, and I can’t tell if the roar is coming from inside me or from the ocean. The ground feels shaky underneath my feet, and there’s a sense of being pulled as the waves recede and my feet are buried further in the sand. My voice is going hoarse now, and I don’t even know if I’m shouting words anymore. I don’t know if it matters.
Eventually things begin to fade around me, and all I’m aware of is the box in my hand—
o & b forever
—that I’ve gripped so tight that it’s cut into my palm, and the saltwater stings as the blood drips down my fingers. I remember the first time he said my true name—
bear bear bear
—and the first time he held me when the earthquakes threatened to break me. I’d been frightened then—
i’ve something to say don’t be scared
—but he had been my protector, my watcher, my brother, and friend. Then it hits me that I’m thinking of him already in the past tense, like—
it may not yet be legal
—like he’s already gone, like he’s gone and I’ll never see him again. This tears at my heart, and I gasp out again, only to have more water pour in my mouth. I can’t see because I’m blind and—
so won’t you please please please
—then there’s a voice in my head, but it’s not the voice, because that voice sounds like me, because it is me. This voice is different, and it’s shouting my name, and I wonder if it’s God. I wonder if it’s that bastard God finally responding to me, finally talking back to me. If it is him, I’m going to kill him. I’m going to make him wish he’d never decided to fuck with my family. There’s a small rational part of me trapped under the waves that scoffs at this, telling me of course it’s not God, and how could I ever really think so? God, it says, is not one to respond to threats, not even if they’re meant with every fiber of your being. God doesn’t have time to listen to such an insignificant little speck such as yourself because he’s too busy fucking everyone over. God deals in pain, it whispers, not resolution. You won’t get what you want by drowning in waist-deep salt water and screaming at the sky like it means something. That never solves anything.
I hear all this and more, but that voice gets more insistent and grows louder in my ears, and only then do I feel strong arms wrapped around my chest, and I’m being pulled out of the water. The cold air hits me then, like being buried in ice, and my teeth start to chatter, and my ears and nose are so cold that I start to shake. I want to fight whoever this is off because I’m not done. I haven’t finished my say. I struggle weakly in their arms, but they’re much stronger than me, and no matter how much I kick and flail my arms, I’m not released. If anything, the grip grows stronger. There’s strength there, and it reminds me of him, reminds me of my man, and the anger is black and all-consuming, and I howl at the fucking sky and at that fucking God. I’m no longer articulate, but my voice is still there, loud and mournful.
And then I’m out of the water and dropped onto the sand. My would-be rescuer collapses beside me, shivering and breathing heavily.
Isaiah.
“Bastard,” I mutter as my teeth chatter. “You fucking bastard. Leave me alone. I’m busy.” I try to get back up but fall down again as Isaiah shoves me hard.
“What the fuck were you trying to do?” he snarls at me. “You trying to kill yourself? Jesus Christ, Bear!”
“Just having an argument,” I retort. “None of your business. Go away. Leave me alone.”
“Like hell,” he snaps as he stands. “I know this sucks, Bear. I know it hurts. But you can’t give up. You just can’t. There’s too many people who depend on you. People that need you.”
“What about what I need!” I shout at him. “Why is it always about everyone else? What the hell about me!” I turn to start back toward the water, but a hand reaches out and latches on to my arm, holding me tightly.
“Now’s not the time to be selfish,” Isaiah growls at me. “I may not know everything that’s happened to you, though I’m starting to get a good idea. I know how your friends see you, Bear. They know you’re strong, that you’ve gotten shit all of your life but that you’ve survived. Somehow, you survived. I haven’t known you that long, but even I can see that. When Anna called me and told me what had happened and asked me to come here and get you, I could hear it in her voice. Your family needs you, Bear. You’re the one thing that holds them all together, and without you, they’re just as lost.”
No. What he’s saying can’t be true. I’m not the strong one. I’m not the pin. I’m Bear. I hold things in and overreact to other things and make decisions that I think will keep us alive at least another day. I’m weak. And frightened. And selfish and wrong and desperate. I’m a self-serving martyr who doesn’t give a rat’s ass except for those that are closest to me, those that I think I can trust but know that I’m really just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And it has, it points out. It has dropped, and the world is crashing down around you, and the man you love is lying by himself, because you can’t even think of anything besides how it makes you feel, how insanely fearful you are. And what of Mrs. Paquinn? Are you yelling at your God for her? Do you think of her when you scream at him to give them back? You say “they,” but we know what you mean. If there’s a choice to be made, if you had to choose, we know what you would do. That little dark voice doesn’t just sound like you. No. Much like myself, it is you. It’s time for you to stand up, Bear. It’s time for you to stop getting knocked down and cowering down in the sand. It’s time to get the fuck up.
“Is he still alive?” I ask him quietly, the wet tux hanging heavily on my frame. “Are they both?”
Isaiah watches me for a moment, as if judging the sanity in my eyes. He must like what he sees, or at the very least understands it’s all he’s going to get when he says, “Anna
indicated so when she called. Bear. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about all of this. But you’ve got to be strong now. You’re family needs you. Otter and Mrs. Paquinn need you.”
He’s right. I hate him, but he’s right. I might not believe the voice in my head completely, I might not believe God doesn’t have it out for me, but the little box now covered in my blood and Otter’s blood is real. It’s there. It’s in my hand and that is enough for now. It has to be.
I walk toward the cars, and Isaiah trails after me. I tell him we’ll stop by the Green Monstrosity to change our clothes. He nods and agrees to follow me there. I turn on the car and crank the heater. And, without allowing myself to think too much about what it could mean, I open the box in my hand, find the little ring, and slip it on my finger.
It fits perfectly.
THAT first day was the hardest. That first day was the day that there were so many questions, so few answers, and when we all had to dig in for a wait that we didn’t know how long would last. When I got back to the hospital, Otter was still in surgery and Mrs. Paquinn was undergoing countless tests that I didn’t quite understand. The Kid saw me first, walking down the hallway, and ran toward me, leaping into my arms. His face was dry and his eyes were cautious, and he told me that he’d heard about Otter, that he knew he needed to help me be strong and that he’d make sure we got through it. Because, he said, didn’t I know that Otter was a big guy? Didn’t I know that Otter wouldn’t dare leave us because of how mad it would make the both of us? I nodded at him. Sure, Kid, I told him. It’d piss us both off. He wouldn’t dare.
Everyone saw the ring on my finger. No one said a thing about it.
We were told that Mrs. Paquinn had had a CVA, or a cerebrovascular event, which led to an ischemic stroke caused by a clot. The doctor indicated that per the CT scan and MRI done, they believed her stroke had been of a rare variety: a cerebral venous sinus thrombosis, which is essentially a clot in the dural venous sinuses which drain blood from the brain. Mrs. Paquinn had mentioned a light headache earlier in the day, the Kid had said, but that she said she was fine. His eyes went wide at this, as if he thought there was some way he could have stopped this from occurring, and it took all of us, including the doctor, to convince him otherwise. Even then, I don’t think he believed us. The doctor said that treatment was usually with anticoagulants to suppress the blood clotting, but that there was indication of raised intracranial pressure, and that they might need to operate to put a shunt in to help relieve that pressure.
