by Geoff Rodkey
CARMEN
I don’t think the Fembots even cared about the tickets. I mean, Athena’s dad can practically BUY Madison Square Garden. I think they just didn’t like the idea that something might happen at Culvert that wasn’t all about them.
Or maybe it was because all the cute seventh grade boys were doing it.
CLAUDIA
Whatever it was, the day after we announced the tickets, Parvati and I were talking in English class about whether I should try to be in the scavenger hunt.
It was a tough call, because I was totally desperate to see Miranda Fleet from the front row—but Akash and I were about to start putting the list of items together. And I knew it’d be totally unfair if I was the person who both made up the list AND searched for the things on it.
I was asking Parvati what she thought I should do, and Athena Cohen overheard us. She turned around in her chair and said in this incredibly snotty voice, “Do you ACTUALLY THINK you have a prayer of winning those tickets? What are you going to do—ride around Manhattan on your little pink scooters?”
PARVATI
That was SO ridiculous. We haven’t ridden those scooters since, like, third grade.
CLAUDIA
But that’s typical Athena. Mentioning them was her way of saying, “You are little peasants who have to ride around on scooters, and I am fabulously wealthy and own my own jet.”
PARVATI
So I was all, “What are you going to do, Athena—have your butler carry you around on his shoulders?”
And she, like, curled her lip and went, “Whatever it takes, Poverty.”
I swear she actually pronounced it that way—like, “Poverty” instead of “Parvati.”
CLAUDIA
I know. I was there. It was beyond vile.
PARVATI
And I turned to you, and I was all, “OMG, Claude—you HAVE to be on our team. Because NOW IT’S PERSONAL.”
CLAUDIA
I could not have agreed more.
So I went to Mrs. Bevan, and she said as long as I resigned from the Scavenger Hunt Committee before we started making up the list, it’d be fine.
So I formally stepped down as co-chair and devoted all my attention to building a team awesome enough to beat the Fembots and win the whole thing.
Which turned out to be kind of a major headache.
CHAPTER 5
WE ASSEMBLE AN AWESOME TEAM (AFTER A SLIGHTLY HUGE ARGUMENT)
CLAUDIA
It was Akash’s idea for the scavenger hunt to have four-person teams. This seemed perfect, because it meant me, Sophie, Parvati, and Carmen could be one team—which we called Team Melting Pot on account of our ethnic diversity. Ed. Note: Asian American, Indian American, Cuban American, Miscellaneous American (me)
But unfortunately, the scavenger hunt was on a Saturday. And on Saturdays, Sophie is way overscheduled.
SOPHIE
I have ballet from 9 to 11 and conversational Korean from 2 to 4. But that wasn’t even the problem. The problem was I had a violin recital that day. And there was, like, no way I could skip it. I’ve been practicing the Concerto in G FOR-E-VER.
CLAUDIA
I could totally respect that, even though I was very sad. Not only because Sophie would’ve been a huge asset, but also because she’s my best friend on the planet.
So we needed a fourth person for Melting Pot. And Carmen, Parvati, and I had a real difference of opinion about who it should be.
Personally, I thought we should look for someone with skills we didn’t have. For example, it seemed like a good idea to recruit a boy in case we had to find boy-specific stuff. Ed. Note: boy-specific stuff = comic books, Pokémon cards, anything gross, etc.
And I thought a sporty, athletic boy would be particularly good, because Parvati and Carmen and I are more indoor types.
Plus, it seemed like since we were all Americans, it’d be smart to get someone who was foreign-born, just in case we needed an “outsider’s perspective.”
And when I added all that up, Jens Kuypers was a no-brainer, because he is A) a boy, B) very athletic, and C) just moved here from the Netherlands last summer.
PARVATI
I’m sorry, but can we just be honest here? The ONLY reason you wanted Jens on the team is because D) HE’S YOUR BOYFRIEND.
CARMEN
Seriously, Claudia. You totally jammed us with your Dutch boy toy.
CLAUDIA
I am just going to address this issue head-on and be completely honest about it.
First of all, Jens is NOT technically my boyfriend. Mostly because I don’t think “boyfriend”/“girlfriend” should apply to sixth graders. That’s more of a seventh-grade-and-up situation.
Although it is true Jens and I are going out. I’m not going to get into details about our relationship, because it’s nobody’s business. But I will say it’s been almost two and a half weeks so far, and it is going great.
However, that is ABSOLUTELY NOT why I wanted Jens on our team. I sincerely thought that when it came to beating the Fembots, he’d be more strategically helpful than Parvati and Carmen’s first choice, Kalisha Hendricks.
PARVATI
And I was like, “THAT IS RIDICULOUS.”
Because Jens is cute and friendly and all? But, no offense? He always seemed kind of lazy to me.
And I’m sorry, but Kalisha is brilliant.
CARMEN
She is SO brilliant! She’s the smartest person in our class!
CLAUDIA
I don’t know about THAT. I mean, yes, Kalisha’s brilliant. No question.
But there are a LOT of smart people in our class. For example, that math test last week? Kalisha only got a 94. And I know for a fact that at LEAST one other person got a 96.
PARVATI
Who? You?
CLAUDIA
It’s not important who it was. I’m just saying.
And again—Jens was bringing boy-specific knowledge we didn’t have—
PARVATI
So was Kalisha! Because she lives in Queens! Which, like, NOBODY who doesn’t live there knows anything about.
I mean, seriously. I’m not even sure where Queens is.
CARMEN
Kalisha would’ve been SO helpful. AND she was psyched to be on our team.
CLAUDIA
For the record, I’d like to point out that Kalisha was also totally fine with NOT being on our team.
KALISHA HENDRICKS, one of the smartest kids in our classEd. Note: (but not necessarily THE smartest)
It was all good. I just hooked up with Yun and Charlotte instead. Then we got Max to be a fourth.
CLAUDIA
And FYI, Jens is NOT lazy. He’s just laid-back. AND he was very motivated to kick butt.
JENS KUYPERS, friend Ed. Note: NOT technically a boyfriend
Yeah, sure. Scavenger hunt sounded like good fun. To go around New York City and find things, because I am only living here a short time, I think, “This is cool to do.”
CLAUDIA
Also, I don’t want to be mean, but I think Jens appreciated being rescued from playing on a team that, tbh, had absolutely no chance of winning.
Of course, my brother didn’t see it that way.
REESE
I could NOT believe my sister stole Jens from us! I worked 24/7 putting Beast Squad together! Me, Xander, Wyatt, and Jens would’ve been a dream team!
In fact, we almost called ourselves Dream Team instead of Beast Squad.
CLAUDIA
Again, not trying to be mean here. But Dream Team would’ve been a MUCH better name, because Reese was dreaming to think he had a snowball’s chance of winning.
Basically, all the things Reese and his friends are good at—like bouncing soccer balls off their heads, or belching the alphabet, or having wrestling matches in our living room and breaking the furniture Ed. Note: (actually happened TWICE)—are totally useless in a scavenger hunt.
But that didn’t stop them from completely freaking o
ut when Jens joined Melting Pot. Check out this exchange I found on Jens’s ClickChat wall:
CLICKCHAT POSTS ON JENS KUYPERS’S PUBLIC WALL
XIzKillinIt Ed. Note: Xander YO JK WUT DIS ISH BOUT U DMPNG US FR GIRLZ?
kuypersjens Ed. Note: Jens what does this mean?
XIzKillinIt REESE SEZ U PUNKIN TRUE DAT?
kuypersjens I am sorry Xander I do not understand your English
SKRONKMONSTER Ed. Note: Reese Are you srsly on my sisterz team for scavenger hunt?
kuypersjens oh yes guys sorry
XIzKillinIt !!!!!!!!JUDAS!!!!!!!!!
SKRONKMONSTER You said u were on r team!
killrkickr Ed. Note: Wyatt What r we going to do for a forth?
XIzKillinIt NOT KEWL YO
kuypersjens Im sorry guys Claudia is my girlfriend I must go with her Ed. Note: technically we are JUST GOING OUT (Jens’s English = not perfect)
REESE
I was seriously ripped when Jens quit. But then I was like, “It’s cool. We’ll just be a three-man. We’re STILL going to pwn it!”
CLAUDIA
Unfortunately for Beast Squad, two days before the hunt, Mrs. Bevan told them that since they had an extra spot, she was adding James Mantolini to their team.
I should explain about James Mantolini.
Actually, no. I should let Reese do it.
REESE
I don’t like to trash-talk people. But there’s something seriously wrong with James Mantolini.
It’s hard to explain. It’s like Earth isn’t his home planet or something.
Like, if you said, “Hey, James, what’s two plus two?” He’d be like, “Sausages!”
And he gets in a LOT of trouble at school. He’s always been like that. Back in kindergarten, he got sent to the principal’s office for eating Molly Preston’s hair. While it was still attached to her head.
It was pretty nuts. I was sitting next to Molly when it happened, and I’m, like, NEVER going to be able to get that image out of my mind.
So it wasn’t a surprise nobody wanted James on their team. And when Mrs. Bevan put him on Beast Squad, Xander and Wyatt and I got pretty skreeved. Ed. Note: N.A.A.W. (“Not An Actual Word”)
I’m not saying EVERYTHING crazy and illegal that happened was because of James.
But at least half of it was.
The other half was Dad’s fault.
CHAPTER 6
THE CHAPERONE SITUATION
CLAUDIA
As sixth grade class president, I am fully aware that leadership is about responsibility. When something goes wrong, a true leader has to step up and take their share of the blame.
But the chaperone situation was totally not my fault.
Because it wasn’t until three days before the hunt that Mrs. Bevan suddenly decided every team needed one. So Akash and I had to find 25 parent volunteers on seriously short notice. And we wound up with some not-great candidates.
Like my dad.
Dad’s a lawyer, and here’s the thing about lawyers: they’re usually working on Saturdays. And Sundays. And pretty much every other day. And night. Ed. Note: (plus holidays / vacations / birthdays / etc.)
I will say that even though he works crazy hours, Dad cares about us a lot. Which is why he wound up agreeing to chaperone with only minor guilt-tripping from Mom:
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(MOM) you need to chaperone Reese’s team
in scav hunt this Sat 10-4
(DAD) Can you do it? Getting crushed
this week
I am already chaperoning Claudia’s
team
Can they be on same team?
Have you met our children?
Fine. But might need to bring laptop
and work while I’m there
Oh, sure. That’s not unrealistic at all
Are you being sarcastic?
Very.
BUT I LOVE YOU
Love you, too! Should I pick
up dinner on way home?
It’s midnight. I ate hours ago. Going
to bed
OMG. I need a new job
You really do
CLAUDIA
Incidentally, Dad also got stuck bankrolling Reese’s entire pledge sheet.
REESE
I totally meant to get a whole ton of pledges. But I had soccer practice the day they handed the sheets out, and my pledge sheet wound up in the bottom of my backpack under my cleats.
And then I just kind of forgot it was there until, like, ten minutes before the hunt. Ed. Note: other things Reese has forgotten/ lost in bottom of backpack:
-report card
-field trip permission slip
-dirty socks (very smelly)
-week-old sandwich (very VERY smelly)
CLAUDIA
For the historical record, here’s what Reese’s sheet looked like:
Not to brag or anything, but here’s what MY sheet looked like:
CLAUDIA
At first, it was not obvious Dad was going to be a problem. In fact, on the morning of the hunt, I was much more worried about Mom.
The night before, we’d all agreed that since I was supposed to be at school by 9:00 to help Akash and Mrs. Bevan set up, our whole family would leave the house together at 8:45.
By 8:41, I was standing at the front door of our apartment, all ready to go.
At 8:50, I was STILL standing at the front door. And I was getting very, very mad at my whole family.
Mom was drying her hair. Reese was still in his underwear. And Dad had just gotten a phone call from somebody at work named Larry.
I knew this because Dad kept yelling things into the phone like, “Larry, it’s doable…” And “Larry! We’ll deal with it…!” And “LARRY! QUIT FREAKING OUT! THIS IS NOT A CRISIS!”
Which was weird, because A) Dad seemed like HE was the one freaking out, and B) it actually did sound like a crisis.
By 8:53, Mom was finally ready, so we left Dad and Reese behind and headed to school.
REESE
That was totally uncool to leave without us. I was ready to go!
CLAUDIA
Are you crazy? You weren’t even wearing pants.
REESE
I could’ve put them on in the elevator.
CLAUDIA
I am not even going to bother explaining why that’s a bad idea.
So Mom and I got a cab on West End Avenue, and as we started across town, Mom said, “This should be a fun day.… I’m looking forward to meeting Jens.”
This is the point where I realized having my mom chaperone a team that included the boy I was going out with might end up being the worst mistake of my life.
We spent the rest of the cab ride working out the ground rules for any Mom-Jens interaction. Ed. Note: mostly unwritten rules (b/c no time to write them down) (also v. hard to write in back of cab) By the time we got to Culvert Prep, Mom had agreed to act like she had no idea Jens and I were going out, pretend she’d never heard his name before, and only ask him the kind of questions you’d ask someone if you were just being polite.
We also settled on a code word that I could use if she was saying or doing something embarrassing and I needed her to stop right away: “lip balm.”
As we got out of the cab, I realized the code word might be a problem if I actually needed to borrow Mom’s lip balm for real.
But then I saw the Mysterious Black Car in front of the school, and I totally forgot about the lip balm and everything else. Ed. Note: if this were a movie, OMINOUS BLACK CAR MUSIC would start here
CHAPTER 7
THE MYSTERIOUS BLACK CAR
CLAUDIA
It was one of those car-service-type cars, with tinted windows and a personal driver. And it was just sitting there at the curb, like it was waiting to chauffeur somebody’s team around the city all day.
Which seemed like a MAJOR cheat.
Except it wouldn’t technically be cheating… UNLESS there was enough time
to add “NO CARS” to the list of rules. So I ran into the auditorium to talk over a last-minute rule change with Akash and Mrs. Bevan.
But I couldn’t get their attention, because they were having a gigantic fight.
AKASH
It was ridiculous! The Brooklyn Bridge thing was the coolest item on the whole list! And she made me take it out! For a COMPLETELY stupid reason!
CLAUDIA
I was on Mrs. Bevan’s side with that one. Trying to get that Brooklyn Bridge item actually WOULD have been life-threatening.
