by Geoff Rodkey
But before I could tell him that, I heard another inside-a-Flubby-head voice yell, “Hey! Kid!”
I turned around, and one of the other Flubbies was standing there. I’m not sure if it was one of the Flubbies who’d turned us down or a totally new Flubby. It’s very hard to tell them apart. Ed. Note: may have been “angry Flubby” (see above)
He said, “You wanna picture wit’ da cat?”
This Flubby had that kind of “Fuhgeddaboudit!” New York accent that cab drivers have in bad movies. (Which, BTW, is RIDICULOUS, because most NYC cab drivers are from foreign countries and don’t sound like that at all.)
I said, “Yes! Will you do it?”
Fuhgeddaboudit Flubby said, “Fifty bucks.”
Which was crazy, because I am not Athena Cohen. Plus it was impossible, because I only had twenty-three dollars on me. So I was about to say, “How about twenty?”
But then Spanish Flubby waved his big furry finger at Fuhgeddaboudit Flubby and yelled, “You cannot do this! You promise the girl! You take her money!”
Fuhgeddaboudit Flubby told Spanish Flubby to get lost. Only he used language you seriously do NOT want to hear coming from a Flubby. Ed. Note: if any 3-year-olds heard him, they are probably scarred for life
Spanish Flubby said something like, “Shame to you! Shame! You wear Flubby costume! You must have honor!”
Then Fuhgeddaboudit Flubby punched Spanish Flubby in the head.
I don’t think it hurt, because it wasn’t his real head. It was his giant fake head.
But then they started kicking each other, and THAT looked like it hurt.
Then they REALLY went at it. I freaked out and started screaming. I’m not sure if that was the right thing to do, but it’s not like I’d ever spent any time thinking about how I’d react if I saw two Flubbies beating each other up in Times Square.
While I was screaming, Jens took pictures.
JENS
At first, I thought, “This is very bad! We have to get away!”
But then I thought, “Two Fluubers fighting—probably I never see this in my life again. I should take pictures.”
CLAUDIA
Fortunately, it was Times Square, so there were two cops very close by. And when I screamed, they ran over and stopped the fight.
Then they asked us who started it. We told them Fuhgeddaboudit Flubby threw the first punch, so they put him in handcuffs.
Then we got out of there in a hurry, because I knew if they made us go to the police station to make a statement, we’d never get back to the hunt.
For the record, though, I’d like to point out that the Flubby-on-Flubby violence never would have happened if Athena Cohen hadn’t paid all the Flubbies off in the first place.
I’d also like to point out that we didn’t get the 8-point Flubby photo. And without it, Team Melting Pot was basically doomed.
Unless we could somehow come up with a brilliant, game-changing plan.
But that’s a story for another chapter. Ed. Note: (specifically, Chapter 18)
CHAPTER 17
MY BROTHER IS TRAPPED IN A DELIVERY TRUCK HEADED FOR THE HOLLAND TUNNEL
CLAUDIA
By this point, Dad’s work crisis was over. But his scavenger hunt crisis was just getting started.
REESE
I was seriously freaking out in the back of that truck. ’Cause it was really loud and bouncy, and there was, like, no light at all except from our phones.
James and I were going, “HELLO? Mister Truck Driver? Please help us!” But he couldn’t hear us. I think he had the radio on really loud or something.
James was all, “We are DEFINITELY going to die back here.”
And I was like, “How?”
And James was like, “Probably starvation.”
When he said that, I kind of panicked.
That’s why I ate the Cronut.
CLAUDIA
I still can’t believe you ate the Cronut. IT WAS THIRTY POINTS!
REESE
You don’t know what it’s like getting stuck in the back of a truck! It’s really stressful!
I mean, I know we’d only been in there a couple of minutes. But I seriously didn’t think I was ever going to eat again. And I didn’t have a lot of breakfast that morning.
JAMES
I warned Reese not to eat the Cronut.
But once he started, I made him give me half.
REESE
Right after we ate the Cronut—which I’m pretty sure was real after all, because it was mad delicious—I texted Dad.
REESE AND DAD (Text messages copied from Reese’s phone)
HELP DAD IM TRAPPED IN TRUCK
REESE
He must have still been in a meeting or something, because he didn’t text me back right away. So I texted Mom.
REESE AND MOM (Text messages copied from Mom’s phone)
HELP MOM IM TRAPPED IN TRUCK
Is this a joke?
NO ITS SERIUS
REESE
Mom called me right away, and I told her everything that had happened.
And she was like, “Start screaming. Both of you. Top of your lungs.”
So James and I started screaming.
And it worked! ’Cause right after that, the truck stopped. And we heard the driver get out, and we were like, “WE’RE BACK HERE!”
Then he rolled up the back door and let us out.
He was pretty mad.
JAMES
The truck driver seemed very unstable to me. Even more unstable than the soccer fans, to be honest.
REESE
He was going, “I’M GONNA HAVE YOUSE GUYS ARRESTED FOR TRESPASSIN’! DA COPS ARE GONNA PUT YOU IN JUVIE!”
Then James chucked the smelly Calvin head way up in the air.
Which he must have done to create a distraction—because while me and the truck driver were watching it come down, James took off running.
Like, he literally ran screaming down the street. Like, “AAAAAAAAAHH!”
JAMES
If you’d seen the truck driver, he was clearly not built for running long distances. So it seemed like a smart strategy.
REESE
Having James run off like that really crossed up the truck driver. He didn’t know how to handle it. I could tell he was trying to think it through, like, “Should I chase that kid? Because then what if the other one gets away? And if I DON’T catch the first one, then NOBODY goes to juvie…”
Then he just gave up. He went, “Ahhh, nuts!” and drove away.
That’s when I checked my phone and realized Dad had been texting me.
REESE AND DAD (Text messages copied from Reese’s phone)
HELP DAD IM TRAPPED IN TRUCK
Where?
Reese? Are you joking?
Where are you?
Done with work—heading to bull
statue—are you really trapped in a
truck?
REESE PLEASE ANSWER
Its all good. Out of truck now
Where are you?
No idea. Maybe New Jersey? Ed. Note: he was NOT
in New Jersey (but truck prob headed there b/c close to Holland Tunnel)
Are the others with you?
No Im alone
Where are the others?
Chambers St
They’re on Chambers Street?
No I am
Calling you now
REESE
Dad and I talked on the phone, and when he figured out where I was, he told me to walk up Chambers Street to Broadway, then turn right and head downtown to meet him back at the bull statue.
Then he hung up real fast so he could try to track down the others.
WYATT AND DAD (Text messages copied from Wyatt’s phone)
Wyatt, it’s Reese’s dad—where
are you?
Staten Island. Took this pic
Might be better to get shot with head
Other guys took head. Where r they
Wher
e r others
Mr tapper?
g2g
meet at bull
XANDER AND DAD (Text messages copied from Xander’s phone)
Xander, it’s Reese’s dad—
where are you?
In a bar
Not a real bar, right?
No its real
Please leave immediately and meet at
bull statue
Cant
Xander, you have to leave there now.
Meet at bull
But I ordered wingz Ed. Note: Xander can’t spell
a 5-letter word. This is sad
Xander, IT IS ILLEGAL for you to be in
a bar alone
wingz just got here
Xander, seriously, leave there now
Xander?
Have you left bar yet?
Cant txt sticky fingrs
JAMES AND DAD (Text messages copied from James’s phone)
James, it’s Reese’s dad—where are you?
You have the wrong number
I am sorry.
James, are you sure this isn’t you?
No one named James is at this
number
This is the number listed in
Culvert Prep online directory
for James Mantolini
IF THIS HARASSMENT CONTINUES
I WILL CALL THE POLICE
James, please stop joking.
Where are you? As chaperone,
it’s my job to know where you
are and that you are safe
YOUR BEHAVIOR IS ILLEGAL
THIS IS A FELONY
I HAVE FORWARDED YOUR NUMBER
TO THE NYPD FOR INVESTIGATION
If this is not James, please accept my
sincere apologies
REESE
That was totally James.
JAMES
Maybe it was, and maybe it wasn’t.
CLAUDIA
It was. James let me copy the texts from his phone.
REESE
I seriously do not understand anything James Mantolini does.
So I walked up Chambers Street to Broadway like Dad had told me to. And while I was walking, I realized I forgot to tell Dad I’d talked to Mom. Which I think made things a lot worse for him.
MOM AND DAD (Text messages copied from Mom’s phone)
(MOM) How is everything?
(DAD) Fine. You?
Lovely. Are you sure you’re fine?
Yep. Doing great
Kids are all fine?
Why do you ask?
Just curious. So, nothing to report?
A little hectic. But fine
Great!
Yes! Fun
So when my only son texts me “TRAPPED
IN TRUCK AND AFRAID FOR MY LIFE” I
should just text back “LOL”?
Calling you now
Honey?
Please answer phone
I can explain
Searching for best way to express my anger.
Here we go:
I am so so sorry
Not as sorry as you will be
CHAPTER 18
JENS AND I COME UP WITH A BRILLIANT, GAME-CHANGING PLAN
CLAUDIA
After we got Fembotted in Times Square, Jens and I headed downtown on the 1 train to get a bottle cap from the 5-cent Coke machine at Tekserve (whatever that was).
I was pretty upset about our whole situation. It was 12:42pm, which meant the hunt was almost half over, and there were so many things on the list we hadn’t gotten—especially things that were ridiculously far apart, like Yankee Stadium and Coney Island—that it seemed like there was no way we could win.
And with their four cars driving in four different directions—and their insane sabotaging of everybody—the Fembots were probably crushing it.
Meanwhile, all Jens could think about was having lunch.
JENS
I was very interested to try this Katz’s Deli.
CLAUDIA
I told Jens that was ridiculous, and that he could drink the whole Coke from the 5-cent Coke machine (3 points), and MAYBE if we found a 99-cent pizza place (4 points), there’d be enough time to get a slice, but we were absolutely NOT going to take the time to sit down and eat, especially somewhere like Katz’s Deli (5 points), which on a Saturday afternoon would be insanely crowded with tourists.
And also non-tourists, because the sandwiches at Katz’s really are delicious.
But I didn’t tell Jens that, because it just would have made him want to go there even more.
JENS
You were very stressed. So I said, “Why don’t we be relaxed? Just have fun and not worry about winning?”
And that made you angry. You said, “This is not about fun! This is about justice!”
CLAUDIA
I really believed that. It wasn’t just that we were going to lose. It was losing to the FEMBOTS, who were cheating up a storm.
And I wasn’t just a player—I was the person who created the entire scavenger hunt! And if it turned out the only way you could win was by being completely evil and sabotaging everybody, it’d mean I had personally created a monster.
So no matter how much money we raised for the Manhattan Food Bank, the whole lesson of the hunt would be that the only way to get ahead in life is to be evil. Ed. Note: (also rich)
Which would be a terrible, terrible thing, not just for this particular hunt, but for future generations.
So the stakes were a WHOLE lot higher than just “Let’s have fun and go eat a corned beef on rye with some giant pickles.” Ed. Note: even though that would be delicious (esp. at Katz’s)
And when I explained all this to him, Jens totally changed his attitude.
JENS
I started to think, “How can we change the game so we win?”
So I look again at the list. And it is clear.
If we have a picture with Deondra, we get 500 points. And nobody can beat us.
CLAUDIA
At first, I was like, “Jens, Deondra kissing the Calvin was a JOKE. Haven’t you heard that song?”
Because at the time of the hunt, that Deondra song “Cat’s Kiss” was HUGE. So I figured that was why Akash had put it on the list.
AKASH
OF COURSE that’s why I put it on the list!
DOES NO ONE IN THIS SCHOOL HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
JENS
I said, “So, okay. It’s a joke. But still it’s on the list. So if we have a picture and Deondra kisses the cat, we get 500 points.”
CLAUDIA
I have no idea why I hadn’t thought of that myself. But I was so psyched Jens did that I could’ve kissed him right there on the subway.
I’m not saying I actually DID kiss him. Whether I did or not is nobody’s business, so I will neither confirm or deny it. Ed. Note: also he is NOT TECHNICALLY my boyfriend
Either way, though, I was thrilled. And also relieved—because tbh, up until then Jens hadn’t really been pulling his weight.
As soon as we got out of the subway, I called Parvati to tell her we needed to devote all our resources to finding Deondra.
PARVATI
When you called, Carmen and I were waiting in line with your mom to get the video of the FAO Schwarz piano. And as soon as you mentioned finding Deondra, I was like, “OMG, that is BRILLIANT. And I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first. Also, I’m totally the person to find her, because I’ve been obsessed with Deondra since fourth grade and I know every single website that might help us track her down.”
So right away, I got off the phone and started searching.
CLAUDIA
Meanwhile, Jens and I went to Tekserve, which turned out to be this really cool computer store.
There was an old-fashioned Coke machine in the middle of the floor, and when we first got there, a guy in a Tekserve T-shirt had the door to the machine open.
