by Geoff Rodkey
wrote:
I have begun to suspect you are not being completely serious. Just please get back to Culvert Prep by 4:00, as I am personally responsible for your well-being.
Sorry. I was kidding about the cult but not the guys in the van. When we got to Lazer Tag place, they took all my money and drove off. Can you come get me? I have no way to get home and 3% left on phone battery. 47th Ave and Van Dam
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: 10/25/14 2:37:54 PM EDT
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: PLEASE BE AT CULVERT PREP BY 4:00PM
On October 25, 2014 at 2:36 PM, Eric Tapper
I am standing outside Laser Tag place and starting to get very angry. The guys in the van didn’t exist, did they?
I’M COMING! Be there in 5 min. 1% of battery left DON’T LEAVE!
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: 10/25/14 2:53:02 PM EDT
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: PLEASE BE AT CULVERT PREP BY 4:00PM
On October 25, 2014 at 2:45 PM, Eric Tapper
James, are you aware of just how uncool this is? I’m afraid I’m going to have to call your parents.
OK but it’ll probably just go to voice mail.
CHAPTER 23
DAD GETS A SERIOUS TALKING TO
CLAUDIA
When we showed up at the Culvert Prep auditorium around 3:50, Akash and Mrs. Bevan were at a table on stage, adding up points for the teams that had come back early.
About thirty kids were already there, and the mood was ugly. When the Fembots showed up—Athena and her mom swaggering down the aisle like Princess Evil and The Ice Queen, with Ling/Meredith/Clarissa trailing after them like wicked stepsisters—a few people actually booed them.
CARMEN
Personally, I really appreciated the booing. It was nice to know that even if the Fembots had won, everybody hated them for it.
CLAUDIA
This cheered me up, too. But only a little.
Then Team Melting Pot went up and got our items counted. Akash and Mrs. Bevan weren’t announcing official scores yet, but we figured we had 76 points: not bad, but definitely not enough to beat the Fembots even without their stupid 500-point Deondra photo.
On the other hand, when you multiplied the 76 points by all our pledges, they amounted to $436.20, all of which went to the Manhattan Food Bank. Which was awesome.
So I tried to focus on that instead of the fact that the Fembots were going to win and life was totally unfair and I had created a scavenger hunt monster.
Then my dad showed up with three-fourths of Beast Squad, and they went up to get their items counted.
REESE
We were, like, kind of worried and kind of hopeful. Because the Photoshop stuff seemed like a long shot.
But we still had a 30-point Cronut! Sort of. Ed. Note: not really
WYATT
The thing was, it was almost four o’clock. So we knew if James didn’t show up in, like, five minutes, we’d get disqualified.
Your dad seemed pretty stressed about that. Not the getting disqualified part so much as the part where he lost a whole person.
AKASH
I just have to say—thank Shiva that Reese and his moron friends exist. Because I’d just spent six straight hours alone with Mrs. Bevan, who was being a total stressball about everything. So I desperately needed a laugh.
And, oh, man, did they give me one.
CLAUDIA
The first thing Reese did was hand Akash this soggy yellow box from the Cronut bakery. As soon as Akash opened the box, he started laughing.
AKASH
They’ve got this Dominique Ansel box—which they must’ve, like, dropped in a sewer, because it’s got all these weird stains on it. And it seriously does NOT smell good.
And I look inside, and there’s this strawberry frosted donut—which I’m almost 100% sure was from Dunkin’ Donuts—that they’ve, like, nibbled on around the edges so it’s sort of vaguely Cronut-shaped.
But really, all it looked like was a totally disgusting, half-eaten donut. With sprinkles.
And I said, “What the heck is this?”
REESE
And I was like, “It’s… aaaaa… Cronut?” Which was tough. Because I am, like, NOT a good liar. Ed. Note: True. Reese is a TERRIBLE liar
AKASH
It was completely insane. I mean, HELLO? I’m a Cronut connoisseur! I know my Cronuts.
Even Mrs. Bevan, who was a total Cronut virgin, was like, “I REALLY don’t think that’s a Cronut.”
REESE
So I was like, “The thing is… we HAD a Cronut. But I ate it.”
AKASH
At this point, I’m laughing too hard to talk. But Mrs. Bevan goes, “Why did you eat the Cronut?”
REESE
And I was like, “’Cause James and I were trapped in a truck.”
And she was like, “HOW did you get trapped in a truck?”
And I was like, “We were getting chased by soccer hooligans. ’Cause we were in this bar, and…”
WYATT
When Reese said “bar,” Mrs. Bevan’s eyes, like, bulged out of her skull.
And she turned to your dad. Who, like, could NOT have looked more worried.
XANDER
I could see V-Bevs Ed. Note: Xander’s name for Vice Principal Bevan (I think) fixing to come down HARD on that.
So I was all, “Yo, we gots to change the subject STAT!” And I whipped out dem pics.
AKASH
So that Xander idiot shoves his phone in my face and goes, “YO, PEEP THESE PICS!”
And I got one look at… oh, man… I guess it was their Calvin, but it looked like a bear had eaten it and then pooped it back out again—and they’d Photoshopped it so it was, like, flying over Yankee Stadium.…
And I just lost it.
CLAUDIA
Akash basically had an uncontrollable laughing fit on stage. He was doubled over in his chair, red in the face.
But Mrs. Bevan was definitely not laughing.
REESE
Mrs. Bevan was all, “Mr. Tapper, can I speak with you privately?”
And she took Dad over to the side of the stage and basically started chewing him out.
I couldn’t hear everything they said. But at some point, it stopped being about the bar and started being about how Dad lost James. Like, I heard her go, “Did he have a cell phone?” And “WHERE is the last place you saw him?”
CLAUDIA
It’s possible Mrs. Bevan would STILL be standing on that stage yelling at my dad if James Mantolini hadn’t burst into the auditorium just then. He was all sweaty and out of breath, and he yelled “THREE FIFTY-NINE!” Ed. Note: (i.e., 1 minute before 4:00pm deadline)
Then he collapsed. But not the serious kind of collapsed. More like a fake, drama-queening, just-finished-running-a-marathon collapse.
So Mrs. Bevan called James up to the stage, and after she’d interrogated him—and he showed her and Akash something on his phone—she told Beast Squad to go sit down.
REESE
We sat down, and we were all like, “James, where were you?” And “What’s on your phone?”
And James was like, “No comment.”
JAMES
I like to keep things on a need-to-know basis. And they did not need to know.
CLAUDIA
The fact that James wasn’t dead Ed. Note: (or missing body parts) basically got Dad off the hook with Mrs. Bevan.
But not with Mom. Who spent the rest of the weekend chewing him out for A) being the world’s worst chaperone, and B) lying to her about it.
In fact, she still hasn’t really gotten over it:
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
Ed. Note: 2 WEEKS AFTER SCAVENGER HUNT:
(DAD) Taking Reese’s soccer team out for
pizza after game
/>
(MOM) TRY NOT TO LOSE ANY OF THEM
Ed. Note: 3 WEEKS AFTER SCAVENGER HUNT:
At fish counter. Salmon looks
better than tuna. Should I get
that for dinner?
How do I know you’re not lying to me
about the salmon?
Guy at fish counter will back me up
HOW MANY LIES HAVE YOU
TOLD THE GUY AT THE FISH
COUNTER, ERIC?
Ed. Note: 6 WEEKS AFTER SCAVENGER HUNT:
Working late tonight
Prove it
Seriously?
Yes. Text a pic of you at office holding
copy of today’s newspaper
Also need sworn affidavits from
co-workers
Will this joke ever get old for you?
Trust can’t be given, Eric.
It must be earned.
CHAPTER 24
PHOTO FINISH
CLAUDIA
By the time Beast Squad got off the stage, it was after 4:00, so Akash and Mrs. Bevan closed the auditorium door and took attendance.
Six teams got disqualified for missing players. My guess is the absent kids just couldn’t bear to watch the Fembots win front-row MSG tickets for being completely evil.
PARVATI
Can I just say, I kind of don’t blame the kids who skipped it? I mean, everybody was BEYOND sure the Fembots were going to win.
And the whole time the points were getting added up, Athena Cohen would NOT stop rubbing it in.
CARMEN
Athena was just off-the-charts annoying. She kept making these loud, totally obnoxious comments to the other Fembots, like “I don’t know if we should use the front-row seats on a Deondra concert. I mean, I JUST SAW her from, like, two feet away. Too bad nobody else did.…”
CLAUDIA
Finally, Mrs. Bevan got up to announce the winners.
First, she thanked everybody for participating and reminded us again that the whole scavenger hunt was for charity, and the truly important thing was that we all helped raise a lot of money for the Manhattan Food Bank.
I am very proud to say there was a huge round of applause for that.
Then she said, “Before I announce the top three finishers, remember—no matter how many points you got, EVERYBODY’S a winner.”
And Athena Cohen went, “But especially us!” loud enough that even Mrs. Bevan heard her.
Ordinarily, this is the kind of behavior that’d make Mrs. Bevan stop everything for a “teachable moment” about not being a horrible person. Ed. Note: “teachable moment” = 5-minute lecture (at least)
So it was kind of a surprise when she just paused for a second and bit her lip like she was trying not to smile.
And it was an ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUSLY HUGE SURPRISE when she said, “In third place: Goddesses, Inc.!”
For about two seconds, the whole auditorium was stunned into silence.
Then there was laughing.
Followed by cheering.
CARMEN
All I can say is, the Fembots only getting third place was the greatest moment in the history of anything. Anywhere. Ever. It was SO sweet.
PARVATI
I seriously almost fainted.
Actually, I think I DID faint. For like a second.
REESE
It was pretty awesome. I mean, ordinarily, I don’t have a problem with Athena and Ling and those girls. But the way they were trash-talking everybody was pretty uncool. So they totally deserved it.
CLAUDIA
At first, the Fembots looked like they were in shock. Then they got angry.
Then Mrs. Bevan held up one of the pencil cases and called out, “Come on up, girls!”
This was followed by a little muttering argument between Athena and her mom, because Athena clearly did NOT want to go up on stage.
But eventually, Mrs. Cohen marched them all up there.
The absolutely best thing about the scavenger hunt was raising all that money for the Manhattan Food Bank.
But the second-best thing was DEFINITELY the look on Athena Cohen’s face when Mrs. Bevan handed her a ten-cent pencil case in exchange for the gazillion dollars Ed. Note: not actual amount (probably more like high $100s/ low $1,000s) she’d just spent trying to buy her way to victory.
As the Fembots skulked back to their seats, Parvati nudged me and went, “Who do you think got the other two Deondra pics?”
I figured it must be somebody whose parents were either super-rich or hooked up, because they were the only people who’d have access to Deondra.
So it was a pretty huge surprise when Mrs. Bevan said, “In second place… the Avada Kedavras!”
In all honesty, I was very happy for Kalisha and her team. Even if all they got was a Starbucks gift certificate.
PARVATI
You didn’t act like you were happy for them.
CLAUDIA
Maybe because you kept elbowing me in the ribs and muttering, “See? SEE?”
PARVATI
I was just saying—if we had Kalisha on our team, that could’ve been us.
CARMEN
Totally. She masterminded that team.
CLAUDIA
Whatever! It’s not like Kalisha actually won the whole thing.
PARVATI
She SHOULD have.
CARMEN
No kidding! I’m still in shock over who won.
CLAUDIA
We all are.
I seriously do not know how to explain this. So I’m just going to use Mrs. Bevan’s exact words:
“The winners of the First Annual Culvert Prep Middle School Scavenger Hunt For Charity: BEAST SQUAD!”
CHAPTER 25
SHOCK AND AWE (AND LAWSUITS)
REESE
WHOOOOOOOO! WHOOOOOOOO!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
WYATT
Do you believe in miracles? DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?
XANDER
AWWWWW YEAH!
SECRET PLAN, BABY!
CLAUDIA
Okay, THAT is ridiculous. Beast Squad’s victory had absolutely NOTHING to do with Xander’s incredibly lame Photoshopping.
In fact, I still think they should’ve gotten disqualified for trying to cheat.
AKASH
It’s a fair argument. But I don’t think you can disqualify somebody for trying to cheat in a way that’s so completely incompetent it wouldn’t fool a dead man.
And credit where credit is due: James Mantolini delivered the goods.
JAMES
I think my work speaks for itself.
CLAUDIA
Let me back up a little and try to explain what happened at the end, because it is very confusing. Ed. Note: also COMPLETELY INSANE
Mrs. Bevan had barely finished handing Reese and his idiot friends their front-row tickets to Madison Square Garden when Athena’s mom rushed the stage to demand a recount.
I was pretty much in shock—actually, everyone in the room was pretty much in shock—but when I saw Mrs. Cohen make her move, I knew there was going to be a fight.
And I decided that, as the founder and co-organizer of the scavenger hunt, I should be present for it. So I ran up on stage myself.
Eventually, so did half the school. It was basically chaos.
REESE
I didn’t even realize it was Athena’s mom at first. All I knew was, suddenly there was this lady on stage yelling, “HAVE THESE RESULTS BEEN AUDITED?!”
And I was like, “I do NOT know what that word means. But I’m going to stick my front-row ticket in my pants Ed. Note: eeeeew so nobody can take it from me.”
WYATT
Mrs. Cohen was going, “HOW ON EARTH DID THOSE BOYS WIN?”
And I was like, “Yeah—how DID we win?”
Because once I stopped to think about it, it kind of didn’t make sense.
AKASH
I’m a professional, okay? The numbers added up. Goddesses, Inc. had 216
points. The Avada Kedavras were at 218. And Beast Squad had 511-and-a-half.
CLAUDIA
So Beast Squad had a 500-point Deondra photo and… basically nothing else?
AKASH
Pretty much. They had a Deondra photo, a taxicab receipt, and half credit for the Wall Street bull and Statue of Liberty pics. Because there was only half a Calvin in them.
