“The quest for the other half of my soul.”
“Your soul?”
“Through time, I spent a lot of my life seducing, using and giving women what I thought they wanted. I was a sexual presence and these women were answers to all my inner desires. I’d fulfill their needs and show them the freedom that their own sexuality could bring them. A woman freed from all the outside influences can give a man such pleasure. I have seen that much and more. Then I met someone who taught me this firsthand. She is the other half of my soul. I lost her and now my search is to find her within one of the women I meet. She’s among the living, I just need to find her again.”
“What happened? How did you lose her?” Alyson held her hand out to the dark man.
“I cannot take you there. This memory is mine. It’s a part of my life that is sacred. Something I treasure and will not diminish by sharing it.” His eyes grew weary and heavy. This was clearly a painful memory, still brimming at the surface.
“Maybe if you tell me about her? Maybe it can help you deal with it. What happened? Please show me…”
The dark man remained silent for a long time. Then he spoke.
“I have never shared this with another. I can’t show you, but I will tell you what happened.”
His voice echoed through her mind as Alyson saw his story come to life.
~~~*~~~
Kelly
My head throbbed with pain and my eyes were swollen so badly I could barely open them to see a shaft of light. Even when I did, it hurt to look at it.
“It’s okay, shhh—just relax.” The voice was soft and comforting. “I think you’ve been burned or something. You need to see a doctor.”
“No. I don’t need a doctor. I’ll be fine.” I paused a second and felt my chest ache as I spoke. “Who are you?”
“My name is Kelly. I found you in the alley behind my apartment. I heard what sounded like lightning strikes over and over.” She cleaned around my eyes with a cold wet towel and continued. “When I went outside, the rain was pouring and I found you slumped against the wall. I managed to get you to your feet and guide you inside. Who are you? Can you tell me your name?”
“Pilan…my name is Pilan. Why are you helping me? You don’t know me.”
I opened my eyes slowly to see an image before me. The woman had long black hair, pulled back in a ponytail. Her face was angelic. There was a calm surrounding her.
“Because I’m an idiot. Something about you compelled me. You were pretty much out of it and it looked like you were hurt really bad. I couldn’t leave you out there to die.”
“Hey, where are my clothes?”
“Well, I—uh—I needed to make sure you were dry. They’re hanging over the tub. Everything else seems to be—um—unharmed. You are a lucky man. Very lucky.” She paused. “You don’t have to worry. I was almost a nurse and I’ve oiled and rubbed muscles for bodybuilders at a gym.”
“Fuck, my head hurts. My medallion? Where’s my medallion?” I tried to sit up but she pushed me back down.
“You didn’t have a medallion. In fact, you don’t have any identification or a wallet or anything. I was afraid you’d been mugged. You need rest.” She pushed firmly against me.
Something had changed. I could feel the pain. Real pain. My skin was burnt and peeling from the bolts of lightning. My muscles ached, radiating through me. When I breathed in, sharp agony shot through my chest.
“You have at least three broken ribs,” she said, trying to keep me lying down. “And you’re burned here and there. What the hell happened?”
I could feel there were electrical burns on my back and abdomen from the lightning and I had a recurring headache from my fall from grace. “I don’t know,” I answered. “Look at me.”
She looked toward me and it was then I noticed a whitened film over her eyes. I wanted to see inside her thoughts, as I always did with women.
“What?” she asked inquisitively.
My powers were gone. I couldn’t see anything. The penalty for causing death was mortality. I was going to be forced to live as a mortal. There were no guidelines for what had happened. I had lost everything. There was nothing to tell me what to do to become the being I once was.
Her name was Kelly.
She nursed me back to health. Instead of what used to be instantaneous recovery from any injury, now I healed in the same time a normal person would. Yet she never asked me for anything in return, except my company.
I found out she was slowly going blind from diabetic retinopathy and worked in a small school near her home for blind children. Kelly was very self-sufficient and didn’t whine for help. I admired her strength.
What started out as a living hell soon took on a new meaning. I was living and helping someone—for real. I got a job at a warehouse a few blocks from the apartment where we lived. They didn’t ask for any identification because it was all under the table work. I loaded crates and boxes onto trucks and they paid me day by day.
I didn’t understand the concept of money and its importance. I gave what I made to Kelly because I was basically renting a room from her and to be honest, I was indebted to her.
Each night I spent time listening to her and becoming closer and closer to someone who needed more than a simple fuck with no ties. Sex wasn’t part of our friendship. We’d stay up late listening to music or watching television. Many nights we fell asleep curled up together on the couch. I really enjoyed the feel of her sleeping on me and the simple scent of her hair filled my breath. I’d stroke the long strands between my fingers and just let her sleep. A few times she started snoring and I didn’t have the heart to wake her.
I’d carry her to her bed and lay her on top of the covers. My instinct was to crawl next to her and seduce her into submission. But I never took advantage of Kelly. Why should I?
It wasn’t that I didn’t want her in that way. She was an attractive young woman. Long silky hair, olive-toned skin and a nice, shapely body that begged for attention. A man with my appetites still had needs and they were still like no normal man.
I figured this was another test. I discovered masturbation and its appeal for someone not having sex. I must have soiled miles of toilet tissue in that time.
Becoming friends with a woman gave me a new perspective on relationships. It wasn’t always the sex. Sex was important but not everything. She taught me that. In fact, Kelly taught me about everything. It tore me apart to not be able to tell her who and what I really was. The truth was, I became afraid this growing feeling within me would stop.
We went out to dinner every couple of weeks. Her vision was getting worse but she wouldn’t let that bring her down. She’d tell me what she wanted and we always had a good time. Her disability never caused us to change the way we acted or what we did.
After a few months, I felt things start to change and our friendship was going to a new level. It was time to tell her the truth.
Late one night I sat beside her on the couch. As usual she propped her feet on my lap so that I could rub them for her—which always made me laugh. “Kelly, I need to tell you something.”
“All serious now, I see.” She smiled and looked in my direction.
“It’s about my past and who I am.” It was harder than I imagined it would be. I couldn’t tell her I was a spirit and had made love to over a thousand women. That my existence was forged from lust and passion. I had to try to be realistic but honest.
“I’m not who I appear. There are things in my past that you should know.”
She interrupted me. “Are you gay?”
“Uh, no way.”
“Are you married?” Her questions were direct.
“No, I’m not married.”
“Are you hiding out from the law?”
“No, I’m just…”
She sat up and took my face in her hands. “The past is behind us, Pilan. Whatever happened, happened. Right now is what’s important. All this could be gone tomorrow. Live for right now.”<
br />
She pulled my face to hers and brushed her cheek against mine. There was such warmth in Kelly. A true heart and a sincerity that’s rare amongst people.
Nothing needed to be said anymore because at that moment I understood. This was the basic essence of love. Boundless, unquestioned trust in another. My previous existence vanished. Everything that happened from that moment on was what was important.
We came home one night and Kelly stood next to me at the door as I unlocked it. We’d been to a party. It had been fun and everything seemed to be fine. But there was something wrong. I could tell by her quiet demeanor.
“Is everything okay, Kelly?”
“I guess.” The subtle tone of her voice said otherwise.
“Tell me. What’s wrong?”
“Do you find me attractive? You have never tried to, well…you know. Is it because I-I’m losing my sight?”
I was at a loss. I couldn’t tell her the complete truth. I had led her to believe that I was just a man looking for a new life. “I’m afraid,” I said. “Afraid that I will get too close to you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Hurt me? You won’t hurt me, Pilan. How could you? You’ve given me something that has long been lost for me. You have given me hope.”
“Hope?”
She reached her hands up and rested them on my shoulders. “Yes. Hope that there is more for me than a life spent alone. You can stay here as long as you like. All I ask is for you to be honest with me and accept the feelings I have for you. Can’t you see that I love you?”
Love.
Something I’d never thought about. My entire lifespan was based on lust and sex. Love had never been a part of it. Or had it? These feelings I now had inside and how emotions dictated my actions—how I ached when I was away from Kelly. The way her simple smile brightened my day. Was this love?
I couldn’t resist her anymore. My heart was pounding and I wanted her so fiercely that it scared me. I grabbed around her waist and pulled her to me. In a breathtaking kiss, I was overwhelmed at how powerful a single touch of the lips could be. I hadn’t ever felt that way before nor have I since.
For the first time, I made love to a woman.
Everything took on a new meaning to me. It was like my first time. All my senses were awoken by the smallest details. The caress of a breast had a new appreciation. The smoothness of a woman’s skin felt like a rose petal against my fingertips. The taste of a woman’s pussy was more succulent than a ripened fruit.
I became an explorer with Kelly and she was my guide on the journey. She would moan and with each thrust, I merged with her spiritually. As she lay beneath me, I really saw how the act of sex releases emotional and physical tensions.
We made love all the time and it brought us closer than ever.
Days turned to weeks—weeks to months. My affections were now deeper, more real than anything I could ever have imagined. Each night she’d give me a kiss and whisper “I love you” into my ear. I had a hard time saying it back. Love wasn’t something I understood, but my feelings grew stronger for her with each moment. And so did Kelly’s.
The doctors had told her it was only a matter of time before she’d go blind. Nothing helped and she grew more dependent on me. I supported her and helped her however I could. I even tried cooking. But there are only so many ways to make macaroni and cheese.
I had found my soul mate. Everything finally made sense to me. What I learned in the time I spent with Kelly was an appreciation for the now. Live for each moment and cherish what you have.
Everything since that time has had more meaning. It changed my beliefs, it changed who I am and mainly made me appreciate life more. The pleasure I can give is only momentary. The expression of emotions and desires can be forever.
Women are more in tune with their emotions than men. They grasp and seek things differently. Not everything given is for gain. My love for women is boundless. This is probably the reason why I get such personal gratification in giving pleasure. Now, my life had meaning and for whatever reason, I felt whole. I was happy. I was fulfilled.
Kelly came to me one night as I sat looking into the fire raging in the fireplace. “It’s late, I’m going to bed.” She kissed my forehead and whispered, “I love you.”
When she turned, I said the words she had longed to hear. “I love you too.” There weren’t any fireworks, nothing electric. It was simply my feelings in four words. “Did you hear me?” I asked.
She stopped and smiled. “I know.” Quietly, she walked away.
Then the elders came for me.
It had been a year since the night I was stripped of my powers. I couldn’t sleep, something was unsettling in the air. Kelly was lying peacefully asleep in the bed. It soothed the uneasiness in me.
But I still had to get up, so I went into our small living room. While I stood there, drinking milk from the carton, I felt a steady pulse of energy from outside.
I knew who it was.
With a crushing burst of sensation, I fell to my knees, dropping the carton. The voice filled my head in a deafening tone. “Pilan, it is time.”
“I don’t want to go back. Not now.” I fought the inevitable.
“There is no choice. You have served your time as a mortal. Now there is a final test. You must leave someone you have cared for.”
“I can’t.” My heart hurt. “I love her.” I couldn’t leave Kelly. She needed me. I needed her.
“It is the full moon. We have come for you, Pilan. Your time of penance has passed. Your new quest will begin.”
“Quest? What quest?” As I spoke, they faded away. All I could hear was the pattering of rain on the roof and the splash of the drips as they fell to the street. Just like the night I came to Kelly.
He stopped, dropping her hand. “I can’t go on, Alyson. The memories are too painful.”
“I have to know what happened.” She took the dark man’s hand once more. “Show me what happened so I can understand.”
The dark man looked at Alyson. His eyes were reddened and sad, moist with tears from memories of the past. This meant something to him that Alyson needed to know so she could understand him better. This was the pinnacle of his being.
Hanging his head, he nodded, took Alyson’s hand and they both closed their eyes.
Rain, lightning, thunder, all caused a somber mood in the air. It was like the night he’d come to her. But this night was filled with sadness and broken hearts.
He couldn’t know that Kelly had rolled over in bed and noticed he was gone. Or that the warm spot in her bed was suddenly empty and cold. Nor was he aware that she had called to him only to hear no reply. He didn’t sense her panic as she threw on her nightgown and wandered into the living room, sensing the inevitable. He was gone.
He could only watch as the rain fell and Kelly called to him, following him out into the storm. She came outside into the night, trying to find him and get him back. He couldn’t bear to say goodbye, couldn’t stand facing the truth. So he slowly began to transform back to the spirit he was, disappearing into the darkness.
His heart broke as he saw Kelly scream and call out his name in vain. Her nightgown was soaked and clinging to her wet body—she was almost blind but still she looked for him. She reached out for what she thought was him, but whatever it was had turned into a shadow.
He longed to touch her but could not. Her hand passed through his as if he were a ghost. The year of discovery was now ending and he began to understand the pain of loss. The heartache of love.
This was his test. This was the penalty. He was forced to feel as a mortal man.
It was all making sense to him.
Kelly cried and the rain began to come down in torrents as she blindly searched for him. “Pilan—” she screamed. “Don’t leave me.” Tears streamed down her cheeks, mixing with the rain. He could only imagine the devastation of her loss—no explanations, nothing to tell her why he’d gone. Someone she truly loved had walked out of her now blinded
life.
He felt his own tears welling in his eyes. Kelly was his first true love. The pain was agonizing, ripping him apart, dazing him and making him see a blinding light. The light became brighter and brighter. A loud blare of air horns followed.
“Nooooooo!”
He screamed and lunged forward to pull Kelly away from the edge of the road where she’d staggered from her front door. The few seconds he flailed in desperation to grab her to safety seemed endless, replaying in slow motion through his mind. With all the powers he had possessed—everything that he’d taken for granted—nothing he did could save Kelly from what was happening.
“Don’t do this! Take me, you fucking bastards, not her!”
His scream echoed through the empty wet streets. A paralyzing ache shot through his chest. For one endless instant of time he looked at Kelly, seeing the film that covered her eyes disappear as she looked back at him.
Smiling through the rain streaming over her face, she spoke. “I’ll never leave you. Find me, my love, find…” Her voice, soft and soothing, faded in his ears.
A blaring horn and blast of wind ripped her from his sight.
He fell to his knees and wailed in sorrow as the one thing he’d ever held precious was taken from him. The air rumbled as his emotions erupted around him.
He turned to see Kelly’s body beneath the wheels of the truck that struck her. She never saw it coming. The rain flooded the streets as he knelt there sobbing. He looked down on to his shaking hands and watched as the water fell through them. His powers were almost fully restored and he was disappearing into the night.
The voice of the elder spoke to him. “You have paid the price. You now understand the consequences of taking life.”
“I’d give everything back. She didn’t need to die; she was a pure soul. She never asked me for anything, she never hurt anyone.” He faded away with each passing moment. “You fuckers took away the one person who didn’t want anything but my heart. Just let me go. I can’t stand to feel this pain for eternity.”
“She is not dead. Her spirit lives within another.” The voice was soothing.
Desires of the Flesh Page 7
