by L. Jayne
I fall back onto a desk and I wrap my body around him as his fingers grip into my hips. Finally, his shirt is off completely and the sight of him lean and rippled in front of me makes me kiss him with more urgency. My fingers graze Adrian’s tattoo and he shivers, pulling me flush against him. The same all-consuming fire spreads until I’m left gasping.
Adrian groans and tears himself away. “Not here,” he says hoarsely, sliding his fingers out of my hair. My lips are swollen and I can’t calm my heartbeat down.
I nod drowsily, moving off him.
Adrian whispers in my ear, his breath seductive and causing my heart to race. “So our little secret then?”
Dumbfound, I wait for the heat to pass before turning the knob and letting us out.
Out in the open with students all around us, Adrian and I gaze at each other. The heat of the moment has passed until all there’s left is the familiar hollowness.
But neither of us could block out the endless sorrow in our eyes.
***
Weeks pass without warning. Leaves turn from red to shriveled brown where they like a feather, fall from the edge of a branch. The nights are getting shorter and school days are getting longer.
"Adrian's been acting strange these days," Valerie says to me as we walk along the halls, both of us going to the dining hall. She stifles a laugh. "Well--stranger than he already is anyway."
"He's going through...some things, I guess," I say.
She squints at me. "You're different too." Her tone is laced with suspicion. "What's gotten into you guys?"
I shrug and bite into my cheek.
She leaves it at that. I head for my locker and she leaves for the cafeteria. I get out my books and rummage in my backpack for an Advil pill to treat my raging headache. I swallow the pill with some water and screw the cap shut, leaning against my locker with my eyes closed. I try to rub the aching spot between my eyes but it only intensifies.
I've been so tired lately. My footsteps feel dragging and heavy as I head towards the auditorium. I feel eyes on me and I realize that a group of guys are watching my every move--the smokers, Graham's group. I quicken my pace, not wanting to meet their hungry gazes. They're leaning against the wall lazily, eyeing me.
I try to pass them but one of them grabs my arm suddenly. "Where do you think you're going?" They laugh.
I glare at them. If looks could kill, if only. I hiss, "Let go of my arm."
Trying to wrench my arm from his grasp, they only smirk at me. Then the guy pushes me--so hard that I tumble backwards and my back hits the boys' washroom door. Dizzy, I feel the door open under my weight and I fall through. I grab the doorknob just as they jerk it close behind them and then it's shut. The lock clicks shut with a slight rattle.
My pulse hammering, I realize just a second too late that they've locked me in.
I swear under my breath and turn the knob. I hear a set of laughter and whispers as they turn the keys into the lock.
Frozen, I slam my fists on the door. What the hell had just happened? “You guys, let me out!” I yell. “Let me out!” I kick the door but it doesn’t budge; only got a little indented.
I press my ear to the side. Silence. Everybody has already gone to the dining hall. Dammit.
I punch the door, boiling.
"Someone let me out!" I scream again. "Please, let me out!"
They never come back. No one comes.
"Hello, little bitch."
Because of the chaos I've been going through, I've forgotten about him.
And all along, he'd been waiting for me.
Sneering, Graham steps out of the shadows.
chapter twenty
AVENA
There's a heartbeat where I don't dare to breathe. "If you even lay one finger on me, I swear, I'm going to scream," I say, trying to sound calm as I back away slowly. Memories vomit up from my mind. I turn and jerk the doorknob again, fast and desperately, jiggling it. Fear skitters through me as he smiles.
Graham moves one step toward me, like a predator towards its prey. I take one back. "It's just you and me in here, babe. No one else can actually hear you from behind this door."
I swallow, taking one giant step behind me. "Don't."
He snorts, his dark eyes flashing. "It's all because of you. You didn't have to just ruin me but also have me beat on my ass, huh? Have to send your boy after me, also?" His voice is coming closer, sharp spurts of pot smoke.
I try grab something--anything but all I can find are rolls of toilet paper. His lips curl in amusement as I fling the rolls at his face. He doesn't even have to dodge them as the toilet paper unrolls and ends up on the floor. He advances again on me and I look around, seeing no stalls with locked doors. I try to splash water at him but he laughs yet again as if we're in a pretend water fight.
"C'mon, don't play coy," he says, sickeningly, reaching for me but I dodge him, pressing myself against the wall.
"Stop," I start, "stop it!"
I don't know how I became like this--feeble and filled with so much fear that I'm trembling.
"Stop it," he mimics me in a girlish tone.
I run to the other side of the washroom, past the sinks. He chases after me and I keep on darting back and forth, getting away. All I have to do is maintain a distance between us-- the distance will be enough.
"Run all you want but we're going to be stuck here for the lunch period," he says.
Trying to steady my voice, I say "What did I ever do to you?"
"Oh, you did everything, all right," he sneers.
As I'm trying to get away, get away get away, his hand grabs my shirt, making the fabric tear. I feel panic rise in my throat.
"Get away from me!" I scream, trying to kick out at him.
"Getting feisty, huh?" He bends down and his hot breath is in front of me.
I turn my head and close my eyes. For one last chance. "Help, someone help!" I scream again--shrill and screechy with raw fear. "Help! Please--"
He bunches the material in his hands. "You ruined me," he hisses in my ear, "this time, I'm going to ruin you."
My legs feel like liquid and I give. He pushes me and I collide against the dirty tiles, back first. A slow ache is spreading from my back to my arm sockets. "Help, someone!" I scream again and my voice almost breaks. "Adrian, help! Adrian!"
"Calling for Huntington, again?" Graham pushes his face into mine. "Well, sorry sweetheart, he can't come this time."
I knee him--aiming for his groin. He yelps and the pressure of his body holding me down ceases for a second so I try rolling away, but before I even manage to move, he's there again and he glares down at me. His eyes are dark with fury.
He begins to rip the buttons from my shirt and I try squirming away but his hands are there, tearing the shirt away, leaving me shivering.
Then I hear something. A pound on the door.
And hope wears into my hazed eyes.
"Yo, it's locked!" I hear someone yell to someone else from behind the door. "I need to go to the bathroom like shit!"
I try to scream "Help!" but Graham claps his hand over my mouth. I try to bite his palm.
"Someone's in here!" He yells back, laughing. "Yeah, we're about to get real busy in here."
So this was how it's going to play out.
No. No.
Gasping, I push with all my strength, trying to get him off with my legs but he's not budging.
"We're going to get real busy in here," he repeats into my ear, his breath making rolls of disgust tumble through me.
***
ADRIAN
"You're so tense," Lauren says, edging up close to me, our chairs nearly touching as she rubs her fingers through my neck, letting her fingertips graze my hair. The table keeps on talking as if she's not there and I barely have the irritability to push her off me as I continue eating. Ever since the incident that happened weeks ago, she's recovered and thinks that we're back together. "Your muscles are like, so tense."
Her legs dang
le next to mine as she slides one foot up my leg. I wipe my mouth on a napkin and discreetly move myself away.
Valerie stifles a snort as she raises an eyebrow to me as if to say, What is up with that girl?
I look around the table. Ryerson is talking to an Asian girl, her laughing and flipping her hair, him leaning to whisper something in her ear and that sends an annoyed feeling through my head. I thought he was after Avena.
Then I'm reminded of her. I survey the cafeteria and see no sign of her hair and usual scowl. Where is she?
"Adrian," Lauren whines in my ear and my attention is diverted.
***
AVENA
"You like this, don't you, you little whore?"
He's touching me and I have to get him off me. He's pinned me to the wet floor and I'm gasping underneath him as he compresses his lips over mine hard. I can barely breathe with his tongue in my mouth. I try to kick him off but he rips open my shirt, baring my shoulders and he trails his wet mouth to my shoulderblades, biting them. His hand is under my shirt and he groans hotly in my ear.
I'm still yelling, "Help" but it's died down to whimpers. His body is pressed tightly into mine and there's no air in my airpipe, just this numb choked feeling in my throat. He's burying his head into my hair as he kisses up, leaving a cold trail.
He pushes me into the tiles, on top of me as his mouth runs over my neck, his other hand feeling along my thigh, wildly feeling every part of me. His hot breath on the back of me as he pushes against me, moaning.
I twist against him as he finds my zipper and I keep on chanting my mantra of "No, no, no...."
No, this can't be happening. This can't can't be happening.
I reach out and grip the side of the sink, reaching for the dispenser. Squinting, I stretch my fingers. Come on....
Then I've got it. In a smooth motion, I bring the dispenser down on his head-right over his skull.
It's not much but he yelps loudly, letting go of me for a half-second and I use that moment to roll away from him.
My bones cracking, I jump up to my feet and run away from him. He unsteadily stands and tries to grab me but I step away and quickly reach the door.
Just as he lunges for me, I slam the door on him and lock it behind me.
Unsteadily, I slide down the length of the door, gasping and sobbing as I hear him pounding on the door behind me and swearing.
What just happened couldn't have been real.
I put my head into my hands and sobs tear through me.
***
ADRIAN
When I hear it, I have a bad feeling tasted in my mouth. I was passing through to the halls when I heard it.
"Yo, there's some girl crying in the washroom upstairs," Josh Kitsby said to another senior. He was shaking his head. "I swear, she's just like lying there and crying. You've got to go see it."
An acrid taste in my mouth, I shake Lauren from me and she mewls in protest. "Hey, where are you going?"
I ignore her and taking the steps in the stairs, I quickly head to the eastern wing. Rounding the bend, that's where I see her.
She's huddled on the ground, her face smeared with stained tears, eyes squeezed shut. Holding her arms tightly around herself as she sobs--giant sobs that rattle her suddenly tiny frame. At first, I don't understand. Then I see the prints of hands on her wrist and her shirt is torn down its seams.
And I feel like someone's ripping me apart.
I cross over to her and she's still closing her eyes, saying things over and over. Then I hear her words as she sobs over and over again, "Stop stop stop stop."
Kneeling beside her, I try to place my hand on her shoulder but she lashes out at me.
"Don't touch me!" she shrieks.
"Shh," I say, holding her close as another shake goes through her body. "It's okay. It's okay." I close my eyes, feeling as though there's something in me that I can't control. She shudders and finally stops resisting me, her tears soaking my shirt as she digs her face into my shirt. I hold her tighter, rocking her back and forth.
"Who did this?" My voice is soft, steady.
Avena shakes her head, staying silent.
"Who?" I demand quieter.
She still doesn't speak.
I grab her chin and force her to look into my eyes where I hold her gaze. "It's Adrian. You know you can trust me. Please."
Then after a moment of silence, she speaks up. "Graham," she says, her voice hoarse, "they pushed me inside and he..."
Michaels. I should've known better than to leave her alone.
"Is he still in there?" I nod my head towards the door. She closes her eyes.
I feel like there's a reddened haze in front of my eyes as I open the door. Michaels is leaning against the floor, looking like he'd passed out. His eyes open as I approach.
A curl is on his mouth. "The almighty has arrived."
I'm in no mood to play. I've always known he had a grudge against me ever since last year when his girlfriend at that time had pounced on me but I didn't know he'd take it this far.
"Did you touch her?" I say.
He opens his mouth and closes it. "I touched every inch of her body," Michaels says, taunting me. That's dangerous. I tense as I consider breaking every single bone in his body. "She liked it rough, alright, was pretty much begging me for it--"
Then I move. I grab him by the front of his shirt and throw him onto the sink, shattering the glass dipensers. He tries to crawl back up again but I'm faster and I lash out at him, smashing his face with my fist as he groans.
"You care about her, don't you?" He yells as blood drips down onto his shirt. "I thought you could care less if I played around with one of your leftover scraps!"
"Shut up," I say through my teeth, anger pumping through me like venom. I punch him again in the face, making his head whip to the side as he grips his jaw in pain. "Stay away from her. Am I making myself clear?"
I'm clutching him by his collar and he's wheezing. When his face turns pink, I let go.
I throw him to the ground as I release my hold. I leave him groaning there.
***
AVENA
It feels like numbness. Like I've ran out of tears, like I'm gasping for air out in space. It hurts. I'm a wreck. I look up to see Adrian closing the door behind him and gently wiping a wet strand of hair from my cheeks. There's a cut on his lip and something dark and savage in his thunder green eyes, his dark hair rumpled, face pale.
"Did he hurt you?" I say into his shirt, my words muffled as he drops down beside me and holds me to him again.
He snorts. "Not more than I've done to him."
"Where were you?" I whisper, tears sticking to his shirt, my cheeks wet, my voice as quiet as a hushed whisper. "Where were you when I needed you?"
He says nothing, holding me tighter.
He had come just a bit too late.
I close my eyes, letting the rhythm of his rocking back and forth comfort me like the feel of his arms around me. The words slip out. "I hate him I hate him I hate him." I bunch up Adrian's shirt as I sob into it.
He lets me cry it out and I don't even look up to the onlookers that stop to glance at us. I don't care.
"I'd never let you go," he says into my hair. "I'd never let you get hurt like this again."
And then he's stolen my defenses, my life, my heart all over again and as if my senses have returned, I'm no longer numb and the pain flows over me.
He presses his lips to my forehead, stopping the flow of tears and this time, we both don't have the strength to push each other away.
chapter twenty-one
AVENA
I don’t go to school the next day. Or the next. I tell my dad that I’m sick with the flu and I stay home the entire time, taking Tylenol pills and lying in bed, watching the clouds float past the window. I close my eyes and succumb to the darkness.
By the time I wake up in the middle of the night, I feel empty; void of any emotions that had once kept me going. My chest aches wi
th a throb, and my stomach is queasy. My head is airy and numbed. For a few minutes, I peacefully lie there, surrounded by simple unfeelingness until everything from before snakes cracks through my armour and tears the wall apart. The familiar feeling of nausea creeps up and I sit up, the world tilting at an angle before resuming.
I pull aside my curtains and outside, I see a sprinkle of stars and clear night sky. The night, before, making me feel alone, now makes me feel slightly better. The idea of a never-ending expanse of vast blackness is melancholic. The idea that there are thousands of others up at this time, looking through the same window and feeling the same thing—the same gutwrenching emotion—is comforting.
Slipping the covers away, I slide on a jacket as I’d fallen asleep in my clothes and I put on my shoes. Moping and wasting away like this isn’t going to help. I take a deep breath and try to alleviate the heavy feeling in me.
I creep silently downstairs and as I’m about to go another step, my phone rings. I don’t have to pick it up to know that it’s from Adrian, he’s called me earlier today and yesterday and I still don’t have the courage to talk to him. I don’t know why I’m avoiding him like this—maybe I can’t face it, or the emotion that I’m being strangled with gets stronger everytime I think of him. I don’t realize I’m clenching a fist until I relax.
To the beach.
It’s my salvation.
I want to feel the salty wind hitting my skin, the feeling of being swept under the waves, the diminishing pain.
Starting up the engine, I hit the gas, peeling rubber, trying to clear my head. It’s only inevitable that I return to the one place I know best.
***
ADRIAN
My insomnia is taking over me tonight. It’s what has been keeping me up all night as I lean against the bedframe, exhaling and turning my head towards the starry night. I hold the end of a cigarette between my fingers, stubbing it out.
