She licked her lips and started to pack up, knowing that this was a big step in a direction she hoped both of them were prepared for. “Dinner first,” she repeated once she’d grabbed everything.
She could do this.
She had to.
After dinner, they pulled into one of the parking lots downtown and paid. It was cold but not as frigid as it had been. That had to count for something.
“So,” he began as he took her hand. “Want to tell me what you do out here?”
She nodded, holding the large bag she’d kept in her car close to her. “Every week I go to shelters and feed the homeless. When I have time and when it’s warmer, I walk the streets, feeding who I can…and looking.”
He squeezed her hand. “Looking for who?”
“Looking for my ex and his child.”
He froze, and she almost tripped, but his hand kept her steady. “What?”
She turned to him and met his gaze. “About five years ago, I met a man named Michael. We fell in love, and I also fell in love with his daughter, Angel. His wife had died from cancer a couple of years before, and Michael and Angel had done okay for those two years on their own. When Angel was five, I came across her while I was finishing my degree and working for the Montgomerys part-time. She was so cute and funny. She was at the park where I was reading, and I fell in love with her right then. Michael was there, watching her, and he came over to talk. Soon we began dating, and somehow, he and Angel ended up moving in with me.”
Alexander’s eyes widened. “I knew you then,” he whispered. “And yet I didn’t know any of this.”
She shook her head. “None of you did. My family knew because I was close to them, but I didn’t end up close to the Montgomerys until…until later.” She let out a breath and pulled at his hand. They kept walking, and while she told the story, she also paid attention to their surroundings, doing her best to look for those she had lost. “The first couple of months were an adjustment, but wonderful in retrospect. It wasn’t until month three that I realized Michael was a functioning alcoholic.”
She said the words quickly, but Alexander still cursed at her side. Yes, she saw the parallels here, but damn it, Michael and Alexander were two different people, and they had both gone about things differently. He would just have to see that.
“Stop it,” she said softly. “He isn’t you. You got help. He…he didn’t.”
Alexander stopped them under an awning and forced her to look at him. “Tell me the rest,” he bit out.
“He never stopped drinking and was never completely sober. I didn’t catch the signs because, apparently, I had never seen him without something in his system and he was really good at hiding it.”
“We get like that.”
“Stop comparing yourself to him.”
“I can’t help it, Tabitha.”
She cupped his face with her gloved hand, but he didn’t pull away. That had to count for something. “He turned into a horrible person I couldn’t live with, and I found out later, someone I never truly loved. How could I love a man I didn’t actually know? Though it killed me, I had to ask him to leave when the only time he spoke to me was to yell at me. He took Angel with him. I talked to lawyers and everything, trying to think about what to do with Angel, but I had no rights. And though a social worker came to see what they could do because my brother had connections in the city, it was too late. Michael and Angel were gone. I had no idea where they had moved to until I got a letter from Angel.”
She sucked in a breath, and Alexander cupped her face in turn. “Go on.”
“She remembered my address,” Tabby whispered. “Her old address. She somehow found a stamp and an envelope and mailed it to me. But there wasn’t a return address because she doesn’t have an address. Apparently, she and Michael have been living on the streets for four years, sometimes finding small apartments to live in if they could. I’m not sure what they do or how they do it, but I still get letters sometimes.” Letters she held close. “The courts can’t do anything for Angel because they can’t find her. But I’m not going to stop looking.” She swallowed hard. “Angel doesn’t deserve this.” Tears slid down her cheeks. “I shouldn’t have kicked Michael out, but I didn’t know what else to do. And because I did, Angel’s out in the cold.”
Alexander tucked her close, and she cried in his arms. “I’ll help you look, baby. No kid deserves that.”
She held on to him and tried to stop the tears, but she couldn’t. She’d never told anyone the whole story. Not even her family knew she searched as hard as she did.
He pushed her back slightly to look her in the face, and she pressed her lips together. She couldn’t read him, couldn’t figure out if this would be too much. Alexander might be an alcoholic, but he’d found the strength to ask for help and to stay the course with that help.
Michael hadn’t been able to and was hurting Angel in the process. She saw the difference, but she didn’t know if Alexander did.
There was something else in his eyes, an old hurt she couldn’t name, but she knew this wasn’t the right time to ask about it.
The two of them had so much going against them, so many obstacles that seemed almost insurmountable. She only prayed they had enough between them elsewhere to make it. Because though she’d been with Michael before, it had been the quiet Montgomery she’d fallen for first when she’d been too young to know what to do about it. He’d been married, and she’d stayed away because it would be foolish to do anything else.
Only now, things were different. She was the one in his arms. He was the one holding her. But what if she had too much baggage? What if she wasn’t enough?
She hadn’t been before.
And damn it, she didn’t want to end up the same way…again.
****
Alex ran a hand through his hair and tried to wake up fully. Tabitha had left less than an hour ago to change clothes. Neither one of them had slept much the night before. They hadn’t had sex, but had held each other all night as they talked about possible options.
It had surprised the hell out of him that Tabitha had lived with another man before.
Just like it had surprised the hell out of him that Michael had been an alcoholic.
It wasn’t the same, she’d said.
It isn’t the same, he told himself.
And yet, he knew that no matter how they danced around the issue, there were too many similarities, and he couldn’t quite go back to the way things were before. Of course, no matter what she shared with him, they wouldn’t have been able to go back.
They’d become closer over time, so fucking close. And he didn’t know what to do with that. He honestly hurt for her, and it killed him that she’d been in that situation.
Alex rolled his neck on his shoulders, trying to get the kinks out. But no matter what he did, he couldn’t remove the stress that came from the conversation and revelations he’d had with Tabitha the night before. They’d both been emotionally wrung out, but he hadn’t even told her exactly why. He knew that if they were to continue down the path they seemed to be on, he’d have to tell her everything, but he wasn’t sure he could. He’d never told a soul about his demons, not even his sponsor or his therapist. Both of them knew that whatever Alex hid was bad—beyond bad—but they worked with him outside of those secrets.
It wasn’t lost on him that if he perhaps told someone about what had happened, it might help, but he wasn’t sure he could form the words. He didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to let those memories come back and become any sharper than they already were.
But he had a feeling if he were going to open up to anyone it would be her.
She’d told him about Michael and Angel, and he’d held her when she cried. She’d told him her secrets, her fears, and yet he hadn’t shared everything with her. It wasn’t lost on him that he’d told her more than he’d told anyone else outside those in his meetings and at rehab, but with Tabitha, it was different.
; It would always be different with her.
Letting out a sigh, he moved to the kitchen to make some coffee. He desperately needed caffeine, and he figured he’d make enough for when Tabitha came back. It was the weekend, and while both of them usually worked on odd projects, today they had decided to take the morning off to just relax.
Maybe relax wasn’t the best word since neither of them could really relax after the night prior, but he figured if she needed time to walk around the park or sit in front of the TV with him, he could do that much.
Before he started drinking as much, he’d never really been someone who shared what they were feeling. Yeah, he’d been a little better before everything went to hell than he was now, but not by much. He was at least trying to be more open these days, but he hadn’t yet jumped that hurdle, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready to.
He’d started drinking to silence the pain, the demons, and hadn’t stopped until he’d not only hurt himself but also the people he loved. If it hadn’t been for the looks on his family’s faces when he hit rock bottom, he might have never stopped. He’d have drunk himself to death, and he would have been too damn numb to notice. But a small part of him had actually cared about what his family saw, what the children saw, and he’d finally let Maya and Jake take him to rehab.
Alex sipped his coffee, trying to get the bitter taste of regret off his tongue.
He would always be grateful to be a Montgomery, even if he hadn’t lived up to the name. They’d saved his life, and now, he figured he should start living it. Only he wasn’t sure he would ever be good enough for Tabitha. Damn it, he knew he wouldn’t be good enough. She’d fought for herself in her last relationship, and fought every damn week for the child she hadn’t been able to save. He had to admire that strength, even as he was a little envious of it.
The doorbell rang, and Alex frowned at the clock. Tabitha had been quick if she was already back, but maybe she was just going comfy today with what she wore. He didn’t mind since that meant he could probably get away with wearing sweats all day as they vegged out. A small smile claimed his lips, and he let it stay there. After all the shit she’d been through recently, she deserved a day to be lazy and watch movies. And he was kind of glad she wanted to spend the day with him.
He set his coffee down on the counter and went to answer the door, an odd spring in his step. Hell, even after everything that came out last night and the path his thoughts had gone down today so far, just thinking of Tabitha made him…happy. That should have worried him, but right then, he only wanted to keep that smile and make her smile in return.
When he opened the door, however, all thoughts of happiness fled from his mind and his smile slid off his face, a scowl taking its place.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?” Rage filled his veins even as a wave of pain slammed into him with the force of a two-ton truck. Sweat started to run down his back, and his stomach twisted, bile churning as it rose in his throat.
His ex-wife, Jessica, stood on the other side of his front door, her hair put together just so, her makeup looking perfect as always. She wore a pair of tan leggings tucked into furry boots and a matching furry jacket. She had on earmuffs that even had the same tawny fur on them, and he knew she never wore hats because she hated messing up her hair. With how long she’d taken every morning to do it, he hadn’t blamed her, even when he’d thought it was her own fault when she inevitably caught a cold from not wearing enough layers.
And when Jessica caught a cold, the entire world felt her wrath. People might joke about the Man Cold, but it had nothing on Jessica. Even when he’d been working two jobs to keep a roof over their heads when they’d first been married, he’d still had to take care of her and wait on her hand and foot when she had the slightest sniffle. But he’d been so damn in love and lust with her, that he hadn’t cared about the lack of sleep. And taking care of your wife when she’s sick in bed is just a natural thing to do. At the time, it hadn’t mattered that her being down with a slight cough that turned out to be nothing meant he had to miss work. He’d loved her, and wanted to make sure she was treated like the princess she thought she was.
He hadn’t minded all of that then, but now, he just wanted to kick himself for falling into her traps.
Fuck.
She wasn’t always evil, he reminded himself. He hadn’t always been a fucking idiot when it came to her.
Or maybe all of that was a lie.
“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” she asked, her voice grating on him. She used that high tone she’d picked up over the last few years. When they’d been in high school, she’d been a little softer with her voice, and a little softer everywhere else. During their marriage, however, she’d started working out daily and watching everything she ate. While he might do that now, it wasn’t to her extremes.
There was nothing soft about her anymore.
And he had to think that some of that was his fault.
He hated that it had come to this. Though he and his sister both had exes that were truly horrible people, not everyone in his family had been through this. There were ex-girlfriends and boyfriends of the Montgomerys that they were still friends with, relationships that had actually ended well. Why he couldn’t have that kind of relationship was beyond him, but he wished it right then because he really didn’t want to deal with this right now.
He really didn’t want to deal her right now.
That linebacker on his shoulder screamed in his ear. Just one drink.
The seductive temptress purred in the other. Just one, baby. Just one.
Alex gripped the edge of the door, ignoring their words. He wasn’t going to fucking drink today damn it. “Why would I invite you in?”
She waved him off and pushed past him. He hadn’t been expecting it since this was his apartment and not the home they’d shared so he let her pass. He cursed himself but closed the door so he wouldn’t let all the heat out.
“What the hell, Jessica? Why are you here, and why do you think you can just walk right in? We’re divorced. You have no claim to anything here.”
She looked over her shoulder and gave him a look that spoke otherwise. “This apartment is a bit small for your tastes, isn’t it? I thought you’d have gone with a larger home like you had before.” Apparently, she was going to ignore his questions.
He breathed in through his nose and fought for control. “You mean the home you sold after you got it in the divorce.”
She waved her hand at him. “Memories.”
He snorted and put his hands on his hips. “Right, Jessica. Why are you here?”
“Alexander? The door isn’t closed all the way…” He turned on his heel as Tabitha slowly opened the front door he apparently hadn’t shut all the way in his anger. He held back a curse. She tentatively stuck her head through the crack and froze, her eyes going wide after a moment. “Oh. I didn’t realize you had company. Hello, Jessica.”
Damn it. He heard the hurt in her voice, the confusion, and he didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t know what to do about anything.
His ex-wife moved past him and stared at Tabitha. “You’re the secretary, right?”
Fuck. This wasn’t going to end well. He pushed past his ex and went to the front door. “She’s the administrative assistant, and you know it, Jess. Come in, babe. You’re going to get cold.”
He hadn’t meant to let the word “babe” slip out, and he instantly regretted it. Jess latched on to it, and in turn, Tabitha.
“Babe?”
Tabitha let out a breath and shook her head. “I’ll see you later. You’re busy.”
“Wait, don’t go.” He moved toward her, but Jess gripped his elbow. He cursed and Tabitha shook her head.
“I’ll call you later, okay? Or you call me. I just…I should let you go.” She winced as she closed the door behind her, and Alex pinched the bridge of his nose.
If she knew exactly why he and Jessica had gotten the divorce, why he�
�d told everyone that his ex-wife had left him and not the other way around, or even why things had gone to shit, she wouldn’t have had that look on her face.
Of course, now he was truly fucked.
“Get out,” he growled. “You have no place here, Jess. You never did.”
“But, Alex…”
He turned on his heel. “What the fuck do you want, Jess? You took everything you could from me before. I have nothing left. You don’t even like me, and I sure as hell don’t like you.”
Her eyes went razor sharp, and she lifted her chin. “Well, I guess you’re done playing nice.”
“I was done a long time ago, and we both know it. What do you want?”
“I need money.”
He blew out a breath, clenching his fists at his side. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Jess waved her hands in the air. “No. I’m not. Do you think I’d come here and lower myself like I am if I didn’t need it? I hit a rough patch, and I need a couple thousand to keep going. I figured since we shared something before, you’d want to help me out. After all, I was your wife.”
“You’re right. You were my wife. You aren’t anymore. If you need money, get a loan. Or better yet, get a fucking job. I don’t have anything for you, Jess, and as it turned out, I never did. So get the fuck out.”
“Why? So you can play secretary with the redhead?” she said snidely.
He ground his teeth and did what he should have done in the first place. He stomped the last few steps toward the door and swung it open. “Get out, or I’m calling the police. I don’t care if it makes a scene. You were always good at scenes anyway.”
“Fuck you.”
“You already fucked me over quite enough, Jess.”
She gave him a dirty look and strode out of his apartment, not caring to look back. She had to be truly desperate to come back to him, or maybe she figured he would roll over as he’d done in the past.
He pressed his forehead to the wood of the door and cursed himself yet again. He needed to call Tabitha and explain. He needed to figure out what the fuck he was doing with her and himself.
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