As I kicked off and hit the cloak and go buttons simultaneously, he squeezed his eyes shut and said in a voice that was barely above a whisper, ‘Maybe. But it’s my mistake to make. Oh, and Wanda?’ His voice lowered even more. ‘You look beautiful tonight.’
11. Testing Times
I’d love to be able to tell you I got ample sleep and went along to my test feeling rested and prepared. The truth was, I crammed for the remainder of the night, in between short bouts of dozing off and not-so-short bouts of recalling Will’s last words.
I mean, why did he have to go and say a thing like that? If I thought I was confused before, well by now I was way past perplexed and all the way to what the heck.
But despite my confusion and my supreme lack of preparedness, at ten to nine that morning I snapped my fingers, arrived on the steps of the Wyrd Court, and rushed inside to the Department of Magical Law.
‘You’re cutting it fine.’ Justine Plimpton was standing at her receptionist’s desk – the infamous Barry, judging by his nameplate. I’m not sure whether he actually looked like a weasel, or if I was being unfair. ‘Come on then.’ The Minister began to walk down a long, austere hallway. ‘Let’s get this debacle out of the way.’
As I followed behind her, I realised that there was a Peacemaker following behind me. Not at all disconcerting. The walk seemed to take an age, but finally we ended up at a thick metal door. The Peacemaker unlocked it, revealing what was very definitely an interrogation room.
‘Don’t worry, Wanda,’ said the Minister with a smirk. ‘Unless you’ve been doing something you ought not have been doing, all that’s going to happen in here is your exam. You haven’t been doing anything naughty, have you?’
Would Will have told her? No. She wouldn’t bother going through with this charade if he had. She could never contain herself if she had something like that on me. She was many things, but patient didn’t seem to be one of them. I decided to fight snark with snark. ‘Other than designing all the Minister Plimpton poppets that I’m going to stick pins in when all this is over?’ I smiled sweetly. ‘Nah, can’t think of anything else.’
Her lips curled and an odd twitch began just above her right eyebrow. ‘Get in there and sit down. Your magic is blocked in this interrogation room, so don’t even think of cheating.’
I took a seat in an uncomfortable chair at a cold, metal table. The test was already there, face down in front of me. The Peacemaker slammed the door shut behind us and barked, ‘You may turn over your exam paper and begin.’
You know how when you were in your normal, human school, you took exams in these massive halls, and you could hear every breath that every student made, every pencil they pared, every phlegmy cough the exam supervisor made throughout the test? Well, I would have welcomed those days back with open arms. In human schools I had sat my junior and leaving certificates. In college I had sat a few accountancy exams. Not a single test was as nerve-wracking as this.
The Peacemaker paced up and down in front of me the entire time, tapping his truncheon on the table every few seconds. Just for kicks, I guess. But he was nothing compared to the Minister. I swear, I could hear her smirking in my general direction throughout. Oh, and they also had a loudly ticking clock for my benefit, one that counted down the time until the end of the exam in what was possibly the most irritating voice I’d ever heard.
‘Thirty-four minutes remaining,’ said the clock. ‘Better get on with it.’
I grunted and looked down. Now, here’s the thing – Mr Albright had most certainly come through for me. Every question was exactly what he thought it would be, and I knew by checking in some of the text books that the answers he’d written in his little notebook were the correct ones. But even though I’d done all of the study on my own, I still worried that I might be accused of cheating. I couldn’t get every single one right, and I couldn’t do it too quickly, otherwise the Minister would be suspicious.
And the annoying part about it all was that, with or without Mr Albright’s notes, I would have aced the test. I had the black bags under my eyes to prove it. I could have scored one hundred percent on the exam. But I reined in my competitive nature, made sure to look like I was struggling to complete the test on time, and even got one of the answers wrong on purpose.
‘Three minutes remaining,’ said the clock. ‘Heh heh – if you’re not finished by now you might as well just drop your pen and admit you’re screwed. Heh heh.’
I glared at the clock, painstakingly wrote out one last answer, and dropped my pen.
‘Beep beep beep!’ said the clock. ‘Time’s up! Bet you got them all wrong!’
The Minister stood up, snatched my test paper and said, ‘Be on your way now, Wanda. We’ll let you know how badly you’ve failed by tomorrow afternoon.’
12. All Work and Some Rest
When I arrived home, Max was recovering from whatever it is weredogs do at full moon. He was sprawled out on the couch in his pyjamas, snoring and drooling all over the cushions with the TV on and the volume turned low.
Upstairs, Dizzy was upside down and snoring even more loudly than Max, while an episode of Buffy played on my bedroom TV.
I wanted to dive face down into my bed and sleep for a week, but instead I changed into my Bargain Bites uniform, climbed on my new broom, and made my way to work. I was busy throwing the tins of beans near their sell-by dates into a bargain bin when one of the characters on the tins of beans said, ‘Psst! Pretend to keep working!’
I wiped my eyes and looked at the fat little guy on the tin’s packaging again.
‘It’s me. Your mam.’
‘Then why do you look like the little guy who says, “Beans, beans, good for your heart,” on the telly ad?’
‘Don’t talk back to your mother. In fact don’t talk at all. Your co-workers will think you’re a bit strange.’
‘That ship sailed a long time ago,’ I muttered. ‘Why are you getting in touch in such a weird way, Mam? Why not just phone me?’
‘We think the Minister has started monitoring our calls. How did your first exam go? And by the way, I am not happy that I had to find out about your test being moved after the event. Why did you keep it quiet? We would have been only too happy to move your initiation.’
‘That’s why I kept it quiet. You guys had spent so much time and effort arranging things. Anyway, it went okay I think. But why are you asking me questions if you don’t want me to talk? Anyway, why would it matter if she heard you ask me how my exam went? She could hardly take that as incriminating could she?’
‘That’s not what I was worried about. I was worried about you. I knew you wouldn’t be able to help yourself. You’d ask me how the case is going like you always do, the Minister would record the phone call and boom! Bye Bye to you ever working with us again.’
‘Well, how is the case going?’
My mother sighed. Well, the little guy on the tin sighed with my mother’s voice, which wasn’t at all disconcerting. ‘You should really be concentrating on getting ready for your next class, Wanda.’
‘Yeah, but you know I won’t be able to concentrate on that if I don’t know what’s going on with this. In a way, you’ll be helping me to focus.’
The little man rolled his eyes. ‘Fine. But come closer so I don’t have to keep shouting.’
‘You’re barely whispering.’
‘Trust me, I’m shouting. I’ll need a honey and lemon after this.’
I leant in, pretending to arrange the bins in the bargain basket while my mother talked.
‘Agatha Oster left the party after you and went right to her lab to test the skellies for magical signatures. She was there about an hour when two Peacemakers burst in and told her they were taking her off the case.’
‘Did they say why?’
‘They said they didn’t have to give her a reason.’
‘Did she manage to find anything out before they came?’
‘She told me she found at least a dozen magical
signatures, all mixed up together. She was just about to start trying to take them apart when the Peacemakers arrived. So now … well, it’s all looking more confusing than ever. But don’t worry, Wanda. We’ll figure it out. And by the time we have a new case to solve, you’ll be right beside us. Now promise me, okay? Promise me you’ll stop worrying about all of this and just concentrate on your next class. It’s Simple Spells and Incantations, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah,’ I replied.
‘You didn’t say I promise. Say it, Wanda. Promise me you won’t ask me a single other question about the case.’
‘I promise,’ I said grudgingly.
‘Good. Now come closer so I can give you a kiss.’
‘I’m not kissing a tin of beans. It isn’t even you.’
‘Do as your mother says, Wanda Wayfair.’ She giggled. ‘Kiss your poor mammy who loves you so much.’
I pecked the tin quickly, threw it in the bargain bin and stood up. ‘Love you too, you weirdo.’
≈
The next morning I didn’t wake until almost eleven, and only then because Max placed a cup of tea and a sandwich next to my bed. The smell was divine. I propped myself up and grabbed the plate.
‘Oh my goodness. This is that yummy veggie bacon with the smoked paprika, isn’t it?’
Max laughed. ‘You’re the first housemate who’s actually liked my food. Well, other than Lassie. I can see you drooling.’
As I bit into the sandwich, I noticed an envelope sticking out from under the cup of tea on my bedside table. ‘What’s that?’ I asked through a mouthful of deliciousness. He’d put the perfect amount of ketchup on the sandwich, too. Yum.
‘Say it don’t spray it,’ Max muttered, handing the envelope to me. ‘I found this on the floor of the hallway when I came home this morning. There’s no stamp on it, so either it was hand-delivered or it’s something witchy. My money is on witchy.’
I wiped my greasy fingers and took it from him. Just like the letter that had appeared in my bedroom, this one was void of all but my name. Wonderful. Another missive from my least favourite person in the world. I opened it and began to read:
From the Office of Justine Plimpton (Minister for Magical Law)
Dear Miss Wayfair,
We are writing to inform you that you have somehow managed to pass your Tall Tales test with a score of 98%. All of us here in the Minister’s office are flabbergasted, and a little bit suspicious. However, since we can find no evidence of foul play (despite having searched very hard) it has been decided that you will now begin your next phase of study.
Your Simple Spells and Incantations class will begin tomorrow morning at 9am. The class will take place in Riddler’s Cove School of Magic. The teacher will be Carmel Plimpton. Do not be late. And remember: we are continually monitoring your magic usage, so do not let this recent pass go to your head. You are ONLY to use magic for travelling to and from your lessons and/or exams. Use NO OTHER MAGIC. If you do, you will be banned from Wayfair investigations for life.
Yours,
Barry Plimpton
Secretary to Justine Plimpton (Minister for Magical Law)
Max sucked in a breath. ‘Well, that’s just about the most stupidly worded letter I have ever seen. And what’s with the incessant reminders? As though you’d forget that you can’t use magic till you’ve passed all the tests. I mean, you want to be a proper Wayfair more than anything – they know you wouldn’t mess it up.’
‘Oh they know all right.’ I took a slurp of my tea. ‘They just like to rub it in. Someone is having a lot of fun with all of this, and it sure isn’t me. Max …’ I threw the letter aside. ‘There’s something I found out the other night. Something I don’t know if I should tell my coven.’
He sat up on the bed beside me, said, ‘Go on,’ and I told him everything that had happened after I found Will at the Warlock Arms.
‘So what is it you’re worried about specifically?’ he asked when I had finished. ‘Are you worried that Will might really dob you in to the Minister and tell her you were working on a case?’
‘Maybe.’ I glanced up at the ceiling. Dizzy was doing his very best to pretend he was still sleeping. ‘And if Will does report me, I doubt she’ll take the defence of I wasn’t investigating, actually, I was just being nosy. I’m also worried that … well do you think Will might have been lying to me? He could have invented missing Berrys so that it would throw me off investigating his coven any further.’
One of Dizzy’s eyes peeled open. ‘I’d go with that one,’ he said. ‘He’s a Berry. Berrys lie.’
‘It’s true,’ Max agreed. ‘Everyone knows it. That whole thing about selling ice to the Eskimos? Well, the Berrys went one better. They sold ice to the Yeti.’
‘Give over.’ I finished the last of my sandwich. ‘Why would the Yeti need ice? And more to the point, do they actually exist?’
‘Oh, they exist. And the Berrys convinced them that they needed a special new kind of ice for their caves, so they bought it, then all of their ice caves collapsed, they had to move into emergency housing, and the Berrys swooped in and bought up all of the Yetis’ abandoned ice caves and turned the land into ski resort.’
‘And,’ Dizzy added, ‘there was the time they sold that garlic-contaminated blood to the vampires. That did not go well. Well, for anyone except the Berrys, anyway. They somehow managed to shirk off all responsibility and get the contract to sell the antidote to the vampires.’
I eyeballed the bat, unable to believe what I was hearing.
‘You heard me right,’ he said. ‘They actually made money off a problem that they created.’
‘Oh that’s not why I’m looking at you this way,’ I told him. ‘I’m staring at you because you have an awfully good memory of these matters. Y’know, for a bat with amnesia.’
Dizzy left the light fixture and flew to the window, looking out at the park. ‘I really do have amnesia,’ he said in the most unconvincing voice ever. ‘I just remember some things better than others.’ He flew back around, landing on the bed’s foot board and looking pleadingly at me. ‘I think you should put this out of your head, Wanda. I really do. I mean, you’ve come to the same conclusion yourself already. Will Berry is lying to you, just so that the Wayfairs will think the Berrys have lost people too and will rule them out as suspects. Don’t worry your coven with this nonsense, Wanda. Whatever way you look at it, it doesn’t end well. Either he’s telling the truth, and he reports you to the Minister. Or – what we all know is true – he’s lying, and your coven wind up wasting precious time investigating a dead end. You know what we should do today? We should spend the whole day in this bed together, all three of us. We should binge on TV and stuff our faces. We all need a rest.’
I thought over what he’d just said. For a bat, he was pretty much on the ball. ‘I’d love to spend the day in bed. I can’t take a break, though.’ I groaned. ‘I have another shift at Bargain Bites this afternoon.’
Max gave me a wicked grin. ‘You do look a bit peaky though. Maybe you should call in sick.’
I sank back into the pillows. A day of wagging off work. Could I really do something like that?
‘Oh, and did I mention?’ said Max. ‘I have a lot more of that veggie bacon in the fridge downstairs.’
‘Well, why didn’t you say so sooner?’ I picked up my mobile phone, and dialled. ‘Hi, is that Gary?’ I paused to cough. ‘Yeah, it’s me, Wanda. I’m so sorry Gary, but I think I’ve come down with a virus.’
13. Not-So-Simple Spells and Incantations
The next day I arrived at the school ten minutes early. My day of slacking off had been just what I needed, and I felt more than ready for whatever this latest teacher had to throw my way.
I wasn’t the only one to arrive early. Most of the same kids from Tall Tales were there. They were lined neatly up outside the classroom door. There was no chatter going on. Even Tommy was quiet.
‘So what’s Miss Plimpton like then?’ I asked as I joined
the back of the line.
‘It’s Mizz Plimpton,’ said Candace, looking back from her place at the top (because of course she was the first one to arrive). ‘And she’s my most favourite teacher in the whole world. Much better than Mr Albright.’
Oh dear. It had been bad enough that this latest teacher was a member of the Minister’s coven, but now Candace liked her? This was not going to go well for me.
‘I’m sure she’ll take it slowly with you,’ Candace went on, twirling her wand through her hair and forming it into tight, neat ringlets. ‘I mean, seeing as you’re so far behind the rest of us.’
I narrowed my eyes. ‘You can’t be too hot a student yourself, Candace. Otherwise you wouldn’t be stuck with the dummies, would you?’
High heels clicked towards us. A tall, straw-blonde woman glared down at me. ‘You can call an end to your curiosity, Miss Wayfair. I am Mizz Plimpton. And Candace is not here because she’s a dummy. She’s here because unlike you, she understands the value of getting as much of an education as she can.’
I goggled at Candace. ‘You come to these extra classes through choice?’
‘Of course.’ Candace smirked at me. ‘Because I want to get a good job when I grow up. Wouldn’t want to be stuck with being something like a Wayfair, now would I?’
I opened my mouth, just about to hit the little witch with a zinger of a comeback, when Mizz Plimpton took a step in my direction. ‘Be careful, Miss Wayfair. If I hear you bully my best pupil one more time, it will be an instant fail for you.’
‘Bully her! I wasn’t bullying her. She was bullying me!’
She sniggered. ‘Indeed. The ten-year-old is bullying the twenty-one-year-old. Of course she is, Miss Wayfair. Class!’ She glared down the line. ‘Get inside. Today’s lesson has begun.’
The students filed inside, taking their seats in silence and staring up at the board. When I glanced at Tommy, I saw that he was shivering.
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