by Nicole Locke
‘Reynold isn’t entertaining.’
‘You laughed at his tales as much as the rest of us.’
He’d choked on his laughter, surprised that Reynold could be droll like Louve.
‘He’s not your friend.’
‘Nor is he my enemy.’
‘He is manipulative, corrupt, and he’ll kill you without a thought.’
‘Then I won’t be bored—and I’ll have loads of other distractions.’
Nicholas knew Louve spoke of replacing Mary, who refused to give him her heart.
‘There are other women.’
‘There’s no one here but her.’
‘So you leave to find another?’
‘I leave because it’s time, and because Reynold will pay well. You’ve trained me, but he can train me in a different way. He’s complicated, and I know my throat could be slit at any moment. That understanding will only hone my skills.’
‘You wish to be a mercenary? Go to Rhain, then.’
‘He trades only information. It’s not enough.’
Louve was restless, and what he needed wasn’t here, but that didn’t mean his leaving was welcome.
‘You’ll be missed.’
‘With certainty.’
Nicholas laughed. No need to exchange any words on whether there would be correspondence, or where Louve would be living. Louve would tell him—or not. Depending on the circumstances. Nicholas understood that more than most others.
He patted the horse’s side. ‘Farewell, my friend.’
Louve nodded, mounted his horse and joined the others.
The sun was cresting the horizon now. Into the thin grey haze came the din of opening shutters, and people filled the courtyard.
Impatient to be off, Reynold hurried his men through the gates.
Nicholas felt something of that same impatience now—but not to leave. To bound up the stairs towards the woman he loved.
And that was what he’d do.
Chapter Seventeen
‘You didn’t go.’
Nicholas stopped in the doorway. Whatever he had been expecting, Matilda standing almost frozen in the middle of the room wasn’t it. Julianna was in her cradle, lying on her back. Her finger was in her mouth and her eyes were sleepy.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Reynold’s troops are riding out through the gates.’
She wasn’t surprised about Reynold. She was surprised about him.
‘And you thought I’d go with them?’
She shrugged. ‘You talked—’
‘About what?’ he asked.
She was failing at remaining calm. She blamed the way she’d used to be. Impulsive. Reckless.
‘About the dangers of Reynold and your mercenary life. We both know you’d rather be going with them.’
‘I have never said that.’ He took a step closer. ‘In fact everything I have said...and done...has indicated that I’m staying.’
‘Staying and wanting to stay are two different things.’
He shook his head—once, twice. ‘You think I’ll leave again?’
‘Can you blame me?’
‘Without a doubt—especially considering our conversation after you tried to kill yourself on a horse.’
‘I didn’t try to kill myself on a horse.’
‘We will continue to disagree on that, Matilda.’
‘And what does that conversation have to do with you leaving?’
‘Everything!’
He expected her to understand his emphatic response. She didn’t. They’d argued after the horse incident. He’d said things that had made her realise her feelings for him weren’t one-sided, and then Reynold had shown up.
Matters between them weren’t settled. Not after a few words and some stolen moments in each other’s arms. And yet he was acting as if they were.
Was this another reflection on her broken ability to trust?
She closed her eyes. She didn’t want to see Nicholas’s expression when she told him she was broken. Broken for ever, and with a complete inability to believe.
‘This won’t work between us. I’ll keep doing this. Keep not trusting you.’
His expression didn’t reveal wariness or pain. There was no anger or disappointment in his gaze. There was instead warmth. A kindness she hadn’t thought him capable of.
‘I know.’
‘Then what?’ she asked, not knowing the words she needed to say at this point. Her heart was breaking.
‘I know you’ll struggle with trust because I’ve felt the same. I didn’t have any trust, and then I trusted you.’
‘And I failed you.’
‘I trusted again, Matilda. When I held you, made love to you. When you became mine I trusted all over again.’
Half believing, and afraid to, she made a choked sound. ‘Look what that got you—me thinking you’d leave.’
‘And you still think I will?’
She blinked, searched her heart. ‘Yes...’
‘Yet still you stand here waiting for my explanation. Put your trust and your belief in that. There is a part of you that wants to learn to trust. Let it.’
Tears spilled and she wiped them away. ‘I feel...broken.’
‘Not broken. Changed. And it’s those changes that make me want you more. Before, you trusted blindly. Now you know that trust comes at a price. You’re wary of it. I was, too, but I realise that now my trust is stronger. Because despite everything it was found again.’
This conversation was so different from those they’d shared in their youthful reckless love. Now they shared something else. It had once been broken, but it was mending. In that she believed.
She nodded.
A quick smile. Triumphant. Blinding. ‘Good,’ he said. ‘But you don’t know why?’
He had always been able to read her so well.
‘This entire conversation makes no sense to me,’ she said. ‘Your returning from Reynold makes no sense. I’m questioning everything.’
‘It’s because you’ve changed, Matilda. And I’ve told you I want you because of those changes. Can you not accept the way I have changed?’
Changed? Physically he was as immense as ever. He still trained as he had in the past—even more now, and with skills she never would have imagined in all her days.
‘I don’t see it,’ she answered truthfully.
‘Despite the fact that it’s carved across my face?’
‘That’s—physical. I’ve changed physically as well.’
His eyelids grew heavy. ‘I know...’
She made an exasperated sound.
‘I haven’t received a scar since, Matilda. Why do you think that is?’
‘Because you stopped fighting?’
He laughed. ‘Hardly! Because I didn’t make that same reckless manoeuvre again.’
‘You did it to save Rhain.’
‘I can see now that I was blinded by emotion at the time. Had I been more sensible, I could have killed that man without using my body as a shield.’
He was half-blinded because he loved his friend, had been trying to protect him, would have done anything to save him.
‘So you’ve got better at the sword?’
He shook his head. ‘I’ve got better inside. I’ve changed from how we were when we were young.’
‘Are you’re saying you’re sensible?’ She arched a brow.
‘I’m not sensible at all. And there are many reasons why. I have made a deal with Reynold of Warstone. A man doesn’t make deals or bargains with men such as he. Many are incapable of doing so. Even the King himself has to negotiate with that family, and often he’s the more disadvantaged.’
‘What did you do?’
‘The same as I have done for the last six year
s—what I have done since my home started crumbling. I wrested back any bit of control I could and made the best of it. Sometimes I’ve been lucky, and I’ve earned enough coin so my home can stand and my tenants can have the tools they need. Sometimes I’ve lost an eye...’
He looked over her shoulder.
‘This agreement with Reynold is somewhere in between. I played a part in the death of his brother. Reynold did not kill me for that, so I owe him a debt. He wants me to do something and I will—but in my own way. If we are lucky we will have more fortune coming our way for our children. If not, we will lose our lives.’
‘That’s too much risk when the factors are unknown.’
‘Sometimes risk can be fun. Don’t you remember?’
‘I lost much when I risked.’
He gestured with his hands. ‘Look at me, Matilda. I am larger than many men. I’m trained to be a warrior and my size and my strength are unparalleled. I am scarred from many battles. I am marred from throwing myself onto a sword meant for another. I am the least sensible man you will ever meet. So it should finally sink into that stubborn head of yours that I mean to stay here. In this home. Our home.’
Nicholas wasn’t sensible. He was too full of risk and mischief. She’d witnessed it on seeing him with Reynold and seen it in his play with Agnes.
However, the old Nicholas wouldn’t have had the patience to show a young girl how to build, nor chopped vegetables in her father’s home. Even Bess had warmed to him—not because he helped more, but because he was different. Calmer. He would never be a farmer like Roger. He appreciated the land, but it wasn’t part of him. And yet he was telling her he was staying?
Not possible. He was only here because Reynold had been here. Because risks had been brought to his front porch and he’d fought them.
‘Tell me the truth,’ she said. ‘Does knowing that danger is now hovering over Mei Solis make it easier for you to stay.’
‘Not in the way you think. I love it that I can stay, train more men, prepare for whatever battle Reynold brings to my home. I was made for this. And I love it that I have a use for my skills here. That makes it easier for me to stay because it gives me purpose, but it has no bearing on my decision to stay. Even if Reynold had never brought threat, I was made for this. I was made for you. Mei Solis was never my home but you were—you are. I’ve shown you how I’ve changed in the past. I’m not so feeble-minded as to think I won’t change again, but I intended to change. To mould and pound the metal that was in me so that I fitted here long before he arrived. Long before he charged me with his secret.’
‘I wouldn’t want you to force yourself—’
‘I do not force myself. I’m a broken sword without you. By staying here, by changing, I’m melting and pounding to change myself. To make me stronger and more worthy of you.’
‘But you like to travel. To have and be surrounded by grand things.’
‘In that we agree. And you’re it. Please believe me now. You’re it. You always have been, and I was a fool not to recognise it and hold it tight. I realise it now. Do you?’
At her silence he tugged his fingers through his hair.
‘You don’t. Let me explain... Even if Reynold gave me no choice but to pay my debt by leaving, I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t leave. This time I wouldn’t survive without you. I wouldn’t want to.’
He had changed in the years since he went away—if he could accept and love the changes in her, why couldn’t she accept the changes in him? Acknowledge them.
And he had said that Mei Solis wasn’t his home. That his home was her. But she realised that it was more than that. The people here were his home as well. He’d changed not because the land had required him to, but because of the people. He was different with his tenants. There was a certain camaraderie between them now.
Nicholas took a step towards her. ‘I will find help for your father. There are many healers in London. We’ll find one who wants a country life. On the days when he is well, he won’t even know the help is there, but on the days he is not he or she will be with him.’
‘Rohesia has been asking for help...’
‘All the better, then.’ He took another step. ‘And we’ll find a way to help Agnes so she can build and draw to her heart’s desire. I met many artists on my travels. Most of them were gaunt and looking for residence. We’ll bring someone here for her.’
‘She’s just a girl.’
His lips curved. ‘I won’t tell the underfed artist if you don’t—and if he gets restless because he teaches a girl, we’ll let Julianna terrorise him for entertainment.’
Both were wonderful solutions. But... ‘That won’t help Mei Solis. It’ll empty your coffers.’
‘Our coffers will be full for ever. I wrote to Helena when you gave birth to Julianna and asked her to release the debt.’
‘Why would you do such a thing? All those years away, your father’s death, all those years when Louve sent coin would be all for nothing.’
‘Never for nothing, because I have learned a lesson from it. I have realised what my grandfather and my father did not. You were correct. Mei Solis isn’t stones or dirt. It’s the people. You and Julianna have taught me that. I understand now what you said to me before I left all those years ago. “Who cares if the manor is crumbling as long as we have each other?” I care—but have I learned the lesson too late?’
Another step, but he was still too far away. How could he be in any doubt?
‘For you. Is all of this too late for you?’
‘If I was still married to Roger it would be.’
‘Not true. It would have been too late even if you hadn’t married Roger, and I had not become a mercenary and lost my eye. We loved, but it has taken something stronger to make us the way we are now.’
‘So many changes... I can hardly grasp it.’
He nodded solemnly. ‘It’s only sudden because we’ve been apart all these years. But each of those changes has brought us here. However, it means nothing if you don’t agree. Please tell me you agree.’
Nicholas’s gaze riveted her, as it used to, but there was so much more in it. The warmth was still there, but there was longing with that love. Vulnerability when there never had been before.
‘Moreover,’ he said, his voice low and filled with some promise, ‘what use would it be if I made a deal with Reynold and no good came from it?’
He truly meant it, and there was a light of humour and mischief in his eye. It called to her.
Humour. Risks. And home.
Taking the remaining steps, she pressed herself into the warmth of his arms. This was something they hadn’t had before. Something new, good and enduring. And she knew with all her heart exactly what it was.
‘I love you.’
She felt Nicholas release his breath, and relished hearing his heartbeat increasing under her ear.
‘I always did. But whatever this is inside me now...’
So much to say and she didn’t know how to say any of it. At any moment Julianna would wake up, and words needed to be said, but they failed her completely. She felt so much.
‘Matilda...?’ He paused. ‘I like the room.’
Her heart was already so full she wasn’t prepared for his humour, and a laugh escaped her.
‘I like it that you had the chairs and the bed made big enough for me, you and Julianna. And for Bess, Agnes, your father and Rohesia too.’
Humour...mischievousness.
All that was in her as well, and he should know it. Now that she’d found it again she didn’t want to lose it. She wouldn’t rein herself in for anyone any more.
‘I was thinking Louve too,’ she teased.
He growled. ‘So those rumours are true? You had both Roger and Louve pursuing you?’
‘Look at me—what do you think?’
He studied her fac
e as if he was seeing it for the first time. ‘They would have been fools otherwise. So I am glad Louve is gone.’
‘Louve is gone?’
‘With Reynold. It was time.’
‘Long past.’
She held him closer, as if the very thought of someone leaving made her crave his staying. She revelled in the warmth, and he held her just as tightly.
‘It’s different, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘We’re different this time.’
She nodded against his chest. ‘And it’s good.’
‘Very good,’ he said, with a promise in his voice that she recognised.
He was staying, and they would grow barley and turnips, and they would race horses. Julianna would follow Agnes, who’d teach her how to draw. Her father would have someone to care for him, and Rohesia would have her much-needed rest.
After all these years, all this change and adversity, she and Nicholas had found each other by laying aside their pride and daring to trust.
‘Very good,’ she repeated, tilting her head back for his kiss. ‘But not always...’
* * * * *
If you enjoyed this story check out
these other books in
Nicole Locke’s
Lovers and Legends miniseries
Her Christmas Knight
The Knight’s Scarred Maiden
In Debt to the Enemy Lord
The Highland Laird’s Bride
Keep reading for an excerpt from Lady Olivia and the Infamous Rake by Janice Preston.
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