“God, babe. How you can get something positive out of all that—well, I’m amazed. And you’re amazing. You’re so strong and so resilient. You are ten times the human being I’ll ever be, you know that? Ten times.”
She shakes her head. “No. I’m stubborn and I let my pigheadedness keep me from including you. I let my hurt keep us apart when we should have been doing all of that together. And I don’t think it was until I saw you again, and I watched you with Sean, who’s not even yours, that I realized how wrong I was. You’re a good man, Colin, and you were a good boyfriend. I should have let you in. You should have been there with me. And that’s not your fault.”
I stroke her hair as her head rests on my shoulder, and we’re both silent for a while, listening to the waves crashing on the beach outside the windows, smelling the fresh saltwater in the air around us. Finding some of that peace we used to have when we were together. That quiet joy you feel when you’re with the one person who speaks to your soul, whose heart beats in sync with yours.
Finally, I ask the one thing that matters most to me now. “Can we ever get past it?”
She leans back so she can look me in the eye, and her lips curl up ever so slightly at the corners, her long lashes fluttering over her tired eyes. “I’d like to,” she answers.
“So would I,” I say. Then I gently lift her in my arms and carry her to my bed.
Chapter Twelve
Marsha
“MOM? MOM. Why are you sleeping in here?”
I open my eyes to Sean looking at me with curiosity. It’s a moment before I process that I’m in a hotel, asleep on top of the covers, in my clothes, Colin’s heavy arm slung across my waist.
“Hey, mister,” I whisper, trying to extricate myself from Colin’s clutches. “Let’s go to the living room and I’ll tell you about it.” Maybe those twenty steps will give me a chance to think of some excuse to tell a six-year-old why I’m in bed with a man who’s not his father or my husband.
“What’s goin’ on?” Colin mumbles as he yanks me closer.
Sean climbs up on the bed and starts bouncing. “You and Mom fell asleep in the same bed,” he chants. “You guys are so weird.”
Colin’s face is buried in my neck, and he mumbles, “This is actually happening, isn’t it?”
I grit my teeth and whisper back, “Yes, it is. Now what’s our out?”
He groans and sits up. I follow him, clawing my hair out of my eyes. Sean is still bouncing, and Colin grabs him and starts to tickle him.
“You think we’re weird? You think I’m weird? I’m a rock star. Rock stars can’t be weird. But little boys can. Little boys can be all sorts of weird.”
Sean is giggling so hard he can hardly breathe.
“Now,” Colin says, lifting Sean up above his head, dangling him in the air. “Do you want breakfast?”
“Yeeees!” Sean squeals.
“Good! Go get your swimsuit on and your mom will order room service. Then we’re going to the beach until I have rehearsal this afternoon.”
He tosses Sean on the mattress where he bounces a couple of times before he slides onto the floor, giggling the whole time. Once he’s stood up and run off to his room, I stare at Colin.
“What? Was that?” I ask, amazed.
He shrugs. “Distraction. Works every time.”
“You’re a genius.” I’m in awe at how he just handled my kid.
“I have my moments,” he answers, grinning.
We look at one another, then his smile fades and he cups my cheek.
“How are you?”
“You know, it’s strange, but as horrible as it was to say it all, I feel a hundred pounds lighter. It was past time for you to know the truth. It was past time for me to admit everything to you.”
“God, babe, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to make it up to you. How I’ll ever balance those scales. What you went through…” He shakes his head, and his eyes glitter.
“Shh,” I soothe, touching his cheek then his arm. “It’s okay. It was a long time ago, and it wasn’t your fault. I have to think that it was all for a reason. When I look at Sean I know I wouldn’t have had him if things had gone differently. That’s what I hang on to. Not what I lost, but what I gained, and with him, I gained a whole lifetime of love. That’s the important part.”
He gazes at me and my heart skips a beat at the expression in his eyes. It’s so hungry, so devoted.
“Stay with me,” he says suddenly, his voice raspy. “Stay with me tonight, for real.” He lifts my hand and kisses each of my fingers individually, waiting for my response the whole time.
My breathing is stuttered and my head buzzes in time with my heartbeat. Part of me wants to run and hide, while the other part wants to rip Colin’s T-shirt off and lick him like an ice cream cone.
“I’m not sure,” I whisper.
“Think about it. We have all day. Hell, we have the rest of our lives. I’m not going anywhere—except to the shower.” He winks and hops up to saunter off to the bathroom.
I flop back on the bed, my body betraying me in every way possible. God, what that man does to me. It should be a crime.
AFTER BREAKFAST, we all hit the beach. Colin gave me a preloaded Visa card to shop before the trip. I wasn’t going to use it, but then Leanne convinced me by saying that he’d invited me, I was doing him the favor of coming along, and it was perfectly reasonable that he pay for things I needed for the trip. She said that my company was worth a lot more than a few new outfits. I have to admit it was so fun to get brand-new clothes. I haven’t had anything new in years. And I didn’t use even half of the ridiculous balance he put on the card, so I felt better about it that way.
Today I have on the new swimsuit and cover-up I got for the beach and the pool. I’m a little self-conscious about the suit. I’ve had a baby, I’m not sure if women like me are supposed to wear bikinis, but Leanne said I’d look like someone’s grandma if I got a one piece. So here I am, sitting on the beach, watching Colin splash Sean in the waves, wondering if I have the guts to remove the cover-up and let everyone see me in a plum two-piece with gold hoops at the hips and in between my boobs.
Colin comes running up to toss Sean’s flip-flops near our stuff. I can’t help but skip a breath when I look at his smooth, tan chest and golden hair. His muscles flex as he moves, and his swim trunks hang perfectly on his narrow hips. What the hell I’m doing in Hawaii with a man like this I’ll never know, but I think I’d better enjoy it while it lasts. Life has taught me that moments like this are few and far between, so you’d better grab ’em while you can.
“See anything you like?” he asks with a grin as he gets to me.
I hope my big sunglasses cover my blush. “Be quiet.”
His hot breath tickles my ear. “Well I definitely like what I’m seeing.”
I smack him on the chest—and yeah, maybe that was an excuse to touch his pecs—before he laughs and runs back to Sean.
While the two of them enjoy the water, I give myself a pep talk and finally lose the cover-up. I’ve actually fallen asleep when I hear Colin and Sean laughing above me. I open my eyes and discover not only Colin and Sean, but two complete strangers as well.
“Hey, Sleeping Beauty,” Colin says.
“Mom, how can you sleep on a beach?” Sean asks, incensed.
I sit up, feeling awkward as the two strangers smile at me.
“These are some friends of mine.” Colin gestures at the couple. The man is tall, dark-haired, with vivid blue eyes and a build that tells me he’s some sort of athlete. The girl tucked under his arm is beautiful in a wild way, her dark-blond hair a mass of braids and dreadlocks. They’re both tattooed, and I suddenly feel frumpy and old.
“This is my friend, Nick—the one who taught me to surf.”
I stand and shake his hand. He gives me a smile that immediately puts me more at ease.
“And his wife, Lyndsey. She’s a counselor at an elementary school.”
“I
t’s so nice to meet you,” Lyndsey tells me. “When Colin called and told us you were all in town, it made our whole week.”
I smile at her, still not sure what they’re here for.
“So, I was thinking that Sean might like a surfing lesson and you and Lyndsey could hang out while Nick works with him. You remember I told you that Nick’s a cop too?”
I know he’s saying this to reassure me that Sean is safe with this total stranger, and I appreciate him for it more than he knows. “That’s right. I’d forgotten. It’s so nice of you to take time out to give a lesson to Sean. Are you sure it’s not an inconvenience?”
“Not at all,” Nick answers. “I had today off, and Lyndsey took a personal day from work. I don’t usually give lessons to kids, but I taught Lyndsey’s daughter and she’s even younger than Sean. She loves surfing.”
“Oh, you have a daughter?” I look to Lyndsey.
“I do. She lives with her adoptive parents in Hilo, but Nick and I get her one weekend a month and she really does love to surf. I bet you’ll rip it up out there, Sean.” She gives him a brilliant smile.
He grins in response. I swallow, wondering if Colin planned this too—introducing me to someone who obviously also had a difficult pregnancy at an early age.
“So can I, Mom? Can I learn to surf?” Sean pleads.
“Of course you can. But I’m wondering if we ought to feed you some lunch first. You’re going to need a lot of energy to tackle those big waves.”
“Already handled, babe,” Colin tells me as he points up the beach.
And sure enough, two of the resort’s waitstaff are walking our way, loaded down with picnic baskets. Within a few minutes, we’re all settled in with a full lunch of gourmet burgers and grilled chicken sandwiches, tempeh burgers for Colin, fruit, salad, french fries, chilled sparkling cider, and three different kinds of cookies for dessert. All I can think is how ironic it is that the man who took me to the lowest point of my life has now brought me to the highest.
After lunch, Colin has to go to rehearsal, but he leaves me with Nick and Lyndsey, who are lovely and determined to make sure Sean and I want for nothing. Nick brought a little surfboard for Sean, and even a wetsuit that fits him. I can’t believe that he and Colin paid attention to all the tiny details. My only job is to sit on my resort-provided beach lounger and talk to Lyndsey.
“I feel bad,” I tell her. “I ought to be helping out somehow instead of sitting here.”
“Colin was very specific that he didn’t want you to do anything,” Lyndsey tells me. “He said you don’t get many vacations and you’re a single mom. He wanted you to know Sean was safe and entertained so you could relax.”
“Yeah, he’s something else.”
“How long have you two known each other—if you don’t mind me asking?”
I adjust my sunglasses, taking in the blanket of white in front of me that leads down to the vibrant blue ocean where Sean and Nick are bobbing around in the gentle swells.
“We were high school sweethearts actually, and got reacquainted recently.”
“Ah, high school sweethearts.” She nods knowingly. “Why’d you guys break up?”
My heart skips a beat and I swallow, not sure what to say. I’ve never talked to anyone except Jeff about Colin before. And even with Jeff I never told him any details, never told him about the pregnancy. For an entire decade Colin and everything that had happened to us existed solely in my mind. Putting it out in the world, showing it to other people—I’m not sure how to do that, even though I think it’s probably past time that I do.
“I’m sorry,” Lyndsey says quickly. “I didn’t mean to pry. It’s wonderful that you’re getting to know each other again though. Nick can’t stop talking about how great he thinks Colin is.”
I let my hand dangle off the edge of my lounge chair and sift sand through my fingers, thinking about how many billions of grains there are here on this beach alone. Humans are much the same way. Millions and millions of us bumping up against each other all of our lives. What are the odds that you’ll find the one special human to be your match? What if I’ve always suspected that Colin is mine? And, for ten years, I thought I’d never have the chance to find him again? If he is, I can’t hide us. I can’t hide who we were to one another, and I can’t hide our history. If we’re ever going to have a chance to be each other’s match again, I have to tell someone about Colin and me. A big part of us is who we were at eighteen.
“You didn’t pry,” I tell Lyndsey. “We have a really difficult past, and I’ve only just started talking about it.”
“But you think maybe that might be a good thing?” she asks.
“You’re a counselor. You tell me.” I give her a small smile.
“You know, counseling’s not a science, but I am a big believer in personal experience, and I can say that telling Nick about my past—which isn’t very pretty—really ended up helping me come to terms with it.”
She pauses, looking out at where Nick and Sean are in the water. A secret little smile lifts the corners of her lips. “I kept my daughter, Kayla, a secret for the first few years of her life. I gave her up for adoption and never looked back. But it was killing me. I’ll tell you the whole story someday, but suffice it to say that I told Nick and he convinced me to pursue the open adoption Kayla’s parents had set up from the beginning. So now, I’ve gotten to know them, and they’re wonderful. And I’ve gotten to know her, and she’s… Well, she’s everything you could ever hope your child would be.” Her voice fades away for a moment.
“Wow. That’s amazing,” I say, realizing I’m not the only person on this beach who’s had it tough at some point.
“You do what you have to do. And I’m happy that I can be here for Kayla during her life. I wasn’t ready, and I wasn’t able to be the kind of mother she deserved. Now, when I have more kids, she’ll get to know them, and Nick and I will make sure that she always feels like part of our family too.”
I clear my throat and tell myself that if anyone won’t judge me, it’s Lyndsey. “The reason Colin and I split up in high school was that I got pregnant.”
“Oh! So wait, Sean is…” She’s trying to do the math in her head.
“No, no. He’s not Colin’s. I was married—briefly. He’s, uh, he’s in jail now. I really know how to pick ’em, huh?”
“He couldn’t be worse than my ex. Trust me,” Lyndsey answers.
I nod. Enough said on that. “Colin and I—we didn’t handle the pregnancy news very well. I was a few weeks from graduation. He was only a junior. My mother was not the supportive type. Long story short, Colin got mad that I wasn’t including him in the decisions and disappeared. I got kicked out of my house and ended up in a homeless shelter.”
She touches my arm. “Oh, Marsha, I’m so sorry. That must have been horrible for you.”
“It was, but luckily, I had an angel of sorts who helped me out, including getting me to a doctor. Some early tests showed that the baby had a heart defect, and I couldn’t imagine being homeless and eighteen and having a sick infant. I terminated the pregnancy, Lyndsey. But I’d considered doing it even before I knew about the health problems. I’m not as brave as you.” I breathe and pray that I won’t hear the censor in her voice.
Suddenly, she’s facing me, her hands holding mine. “Marsha, listen to me. You did nothing wrong. You were an eighteen-year-old girl who had to make decisions about your life that no one that age should ever have to. It makes you no less or more brave than anyone else. Part of being a mother is knowing your limits. You knew yours. That’s all.”
Tears spring to my eyes, and I have to look down at the sand for a moment to gather myself. “Thank you,” I finally say as I lift my sunglasses to look her in the eyes. “You’re the only person besides Colin I’ve ever told that to, and you can’t believe how I’ve been dreading the judgment.”
She snorts. “I lived in fear of that judgment for years. I know what you’re feeling. But once I had Nick by my s
ide and I concluded that I don’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks of me or my choices except for him, life got so much simpler. Don’t live it for those people, whoever they are. You’ll never satisfy them anyway. Live your life for Sean and Colin and the people who love you. They’re the ones who matter.”
I think about Colin and Jimmy and Leanne. I think about Anna, the sweet older woman who babysits Sean while I’m at work, and Mrs. Stallworth, who’s always ready to give me a hand when I need one. I know that Lyndsey’s right. Those are the people I care about—the ones whose opinions matter to me—and I know that not a one of them would ever judge the decisions I made at eighteen. I know that each of them has the compassion to understand that I did the best I could at the time, and if there’s any judging to be done, they’re certainly not the ones elected by the universe to do it.
“You must be amazing at your job,” I tell Lyndsey, giving her hand one last squeeze before I release it.
She lies back on her recliner and looks smug. “I am pretty damn good at it, I have to say.”
We both laugh, and soon, a waiter arrives for our afternoon drink orders. By the time Colin is back at five, Lyndsey and I are happily buzzed, and Sean can stand up on his little surfboard for one whole minute.
Chapter Thirteen
Colin
REHEARSAL IS good. It’s always nice to spend some time with music. I don’t love it the way guys like Joss and Mike do, but it’s a damn good job to have and I’ll never complain about the thing that comes easily to me and gives me the time and money to contribute to causes I love.
One thing I’ve come to realize though, is that music with your best friends is different than music without them. The guys I’m playing with this week are good musicians and great human beings, but they’re not my band, and by the end of rehearsal I miss them—Joss, Mike, and Walsh. I miss the way it felt to make music with them, the way we could communicate without speaking, the way they looked out for me.
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