Kate’s eyes stung with sudden tears. She had spoilt the moment, made him angry. It was all so confusing. She wanted his love, yet feared it. What should she do? Kate bowed her head, trying to hide her distress.
Alexander stood up. What had possessed him? He was heady from the scent of her skin, the touch of her soft cheek, the adoration in her blue eyes with their long dark lashes. Here in this haven of moss and old stone, ringed with bright gorse, he had thoughts for no one but her. He wanted her with a sick yearning, wanted to make love to her and be loved back.
Why had he brought her here? He had intended to be honest this time, tell her of his father’s insistence he propose to Polly at the June county ball. Jeremiah’s patience had run out. There was no future in his romance with Kate. In his head he knew that, yet his heart cried out for the freedom to love her.
He looked down at her bowed head of thick luxurious hair and felt a pang of guilt. He knew she loved him, would probably give in to his pleadings in time. Men of his class treated women of hers with such casual thoughtlessness all the time. Enjoy them, then cast them aside. How could he do that to Kate?
Alexander stooped down and caressed her hair. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken advantage like that. Will you forgive me?’
She looked up and he saw her tears.
‘Oh Kate,’ he groaned, bending quickly to pull her into his arms. ‘I never meant to upset you like this. Forgive me, my love.’
Kate clung to him, too overcome to speak. She longed for him to kiss her again, but all he did was hold her and stroke her hair in comfort. After a while he broke off and stood up.
‘It’s time we went,’ he said with a quiet finality, and turned to untie the horse.
They said little on the journey home. The sun disappeared and the wind increased, chilling Kate to the bone by the time they reached the inn. She tried to hide her shaking as they said goodbye.
Avoiding her look Alexander said, ‘ I sail for Hamburg in July; I’ll be gone a month or so.’
Kate’s heart sank. ‘Will you call before you leave?’
‘I’ll try, of course.’
‘It’s still only early June.’ She tried to smile.
‘Yes.’ He gave her a look of regret.
‘Will you come in for a drink before you go?’
He shook his head. ‘Not tonight.’
Kate swallowed hard, her insides leaden. ‘Goodbye then,’ she said, climbing down from the trap.
Suddenly he was jumping down and helping her to the ground. His hands were warm on her shaking ones. His look was desperate.
‘I will come before I sail for Germany, I promise. I couldn’t go so long without seeing you!’ He kissed her quick and hard on the lips. Then he dropped his hold on her and swung up into the carriage again.
A moment later he was gone down the lane at a brisk trot and Kate was left numb and baffled by his erratic behaviour. One moment he was covering her in kisses, the next he was brooding and aloof as if something troubled him deeply. Was it because she had pushed him away and stopped their lovemaking? Or was there something else that he had not told her? All through the afternoon she had the impression he was about to tell her some confidence, but could not bring himself to do so.
Kate traipsed wearily into the inn, too exhausted with the emotions of the day to ponder any further. She felt wretched that she might have angered him in some way, but clung on to the promise that he would come and see her before June was out. With that thought to comfort her, Kate returned to the humdrum life of the inn.
June wore on and her next day off came. Kate made ready, although no word had come from Alexander. She paced up and down the lane, pretending to pick flowers from the hedgerows, but he did not appear. In the end, Mary came out to fetch her in.
‘Haway, he’s not coming.’
‘Maybes he’s sick,’ Kate fretted. ‘He gets these bad nosebleeds. Or maybes he’s had an accident on the way.’
‘Or maybe he’s never set off,’ Mary said flatly.
Kate swallowed tears of disappointment. ‘He said he loved me,’ she whispered. ‘No one else - just me.’
Mary’s scornful look softened. ‘Likely he does, but he’s got another life in another place.’
‘But he promised he’d come before July.’
‘Maybes he still will.’ Mary put an arm around her in comfort. ‘But you can’t expect a gentleman like that to be at your beck and call. Haway, let’s gan up to Aunt Lizzie’s for a cup of tea,’ she cajoled.
Kate sniffed and tried to smile. ‘Aye, let’s.’
Mary linked her arm through her sister’s as they walked. ‘I told you nowt good would come of courtin’ a nob - Suky said the same. Fancy silks and common serge don’t mix in the poss tub.’ Mary did not seem to notice the way Kate winced at her bald words. ‘No, he’ll not be back. Best you forget all about him, I say.’
Chapter 23
Alexander lay in the gloomy room with its blinds drawn for an eternity. The bleeding had come on a few days after his last visit to Tyneside; sudden, heavy and debilitating. For a week or more he drifted in and out of consciousness, unaware of what went on beyond the limpid light of his bedroom. His head throbbed and his limbs ached, all energy drained from his body.
He knew of the doctor coming and going and his father watching anxiously at the end of the bed, but he was too weak to summon up speech. Finally, the bleeding stopped and his head cleared, yet he was gripped by a strange lassitude. He took no interest in the newspapers Jeremiah brought for him to read, or the post that lay unopened by his bedside. There were three letters in Polly’s handwriting.
‘She wishes to come and see you; you have matters to resolve,’ his father told him pointedly.
‘Not yet,’ Alexander said wearily. How long had he lain here?
‘You’re not fit enough to attend the county ball, but the doctor said you were well enough to receive visitors. I’ve sent word to Miss De Winton that she may call tomorrow.’
‘You’ve no right!’ Alexander protested, struggling to sit up.
‘I’ve every right!’ Jeremiah snapped back. He paced the room. ‘I’ve been worried sick about you these past two weeks, wondering if this time you might not pull through.’ He stopped and glared. ‘You’ve been overdoing it - all this constant to-ing and fro-ing to Newcastle. And what for, eh? That’s what I’ve been asking myself. Not business, as I thought. Going up to town on a Saturday - I should have known! And not staying where you said you were - not at Mrs Timmins’s lodging house, nor even at Mrs Wadsworth’s.’
‘You contacted Cousin Emma?’ Alexander croaked incredulously. ‘You’ve been spying on me!’
‘You gave me cause to,’ Davies rounded on him. ‘This gave me cause to.’ He strode across the room, yanked open the top drawer of the leather-topped desk and pulled out a mounted picture. He held it aloft, glaring.
It was the photograph of Kate. Alexander’s head pounded.
‘And not just this,’ he shook the print, ‘but it’s the same girl in all these drawings.’ He jabbed a finger at the scatter of sketches on the desk. ‘Is this who’s been keeping you away from home so much?’ his father demanded. ‘Who is she?’
Alexander coloured furiously. ‘That’s my affair. You had no right to go prying into my possessions.’
‘She looks familiar. Pretty enough - but obviously socially inferior. A daughter of some publican, knowing you.’
‘Her father was a skilled steelman,’ he defended Kate. ‘Only his early death meant Kate has to work for a living. She has the manners of a lady, and her father was a friend of Cousin Edward’s in Jarrow.’
‘She’s from Jarrow? You’ve been back there?’ his father asked in astonishment.
‘No. I met her at Ravensworth. She worked for Cousin Emma.’
‘And now?’
‘Didn’t your spies tell you? She’s at the Ravensworth Arms.’
‘That servant! Now I remember. I thought at the time I knew her.’ He looked hard at his son as realisation dawned. ‘You’ve known her since Lord Ravensworth’s time! She was that maid who nursed you, wasn’t she? How long have you been seeing her? Months? Years!’
‘I’m in love with her,’ he announced boldly.
‘Oh, don’t be ridiculous.’
Suddenly Jeremiah sighed and sat down on the end of the bed. ‘Oh, I can see why. You are cursed with a romantic’s heart, this I know.’ His face clouded. ‘But it can’t go on - not once you are betrothed to Polly. I’ll not have this girl spoiling your chances of a good match. We’ll have no scandals in this family like the Wadsworths. You must give her up.’
‘I’ll not be told what to do.’ Alexander was indignant. ‘I’m a grown man, for God’s sake!’
Jeremiah stood up, his stooped body trembling. ‘Then start acting like one.’ He paced again in agitation. ‘I’m doing this for your own good, Alexander. You’ve had your fun, now it’s high time you settled down. When you are well enough you will go to De Winton and ask for Polly’s hand in marriage. I have put off your trip to the Continent until you are fully recovered and in the meantime the question of marriage will be resolved.’
He made it sound so cut and dried, like a business transaction, dismissing his son’s love for Kate as something so trivial it could be dispensed with in a moment.
‘And what if I decide to marry Kate Fawcett?’ Alexander challenged.
His father did not hesitate. ‘Then I will disown you. You won’t have a penny to live on.’ His face was thunderous.
Alexander glared back, but he felt too weak to argue. In his wilder moments he imagined himself travelling the world living as an artist, but he knew that he was not good enough. He was dependent on his father’s goodwill. Besides, had Jeremiah not always been fair and generous to him? He was the one person who had given him a home and education and stuck by him all these years. He could not have done more for him had he been his own son.
Lying there, drained of the will to fight, Alexander saw his love for Kate was futile. He had no right to lead her on in the expectation that anything could come of their friendship. He thought with longing of the last time they had been together, lying in the sheltered circle of the ancient dun. She had curbed his reckless desire, knowing the dangers of an affair. Kate had seen only sorrow would come of it.
He looked at his father and saw how frail he was, despite his forceful words. He was an old and anxious man. All Jeremiah asked of him was that he do his duty as a respectful son and heir. He bowed his head in submission.
‘I’ll talk to Polly tomorrow,’ he said with resignation.
***
By the end of July Alexander and Polly were engaged to be married. The wedding was set for the following spring. His strength regained, Alexander enjoyed some riding up on the moors around the De Wintons’ farm. It was a bleak landscape even in high summer, scarred by lead mines, but it suited his frame of mind.
Try as he might, he could not rid his thoughts of Kate. Every hilltop and rickle of stones reminded him of their time together. Polly’s angular fair looks and amiable company left him empty. He did not love her, could never love her while Kate existed somewhere else. He was guilty at his lack of feeling, but the thought of years ahead with this woman made him desolate. Alexander rode hard and fast to rid himself of his unhappiness.
He was relentless in his activity, so he had no time to dwell. He worked, he rode, he filled his evenings with entertainment and fell into bed in the early hours of the morning for a few hours of exhausted sleep. Maybe if he drove himself enough he would not live to see a barren loveless marriage. He lived under the threat of a blood disorder that no one knew how to cure. It spurred him on to be more reckless. Better to live for the moment and die young than live a long and dull life. But, oh, to see Kate one more time!
Jeremiah worried at his frenzied pace and the dark shadows under his eyes. He knew that his son had not been near Ravensworth in weeks, for he had paid the landlord of the inn to send word if he did. Any business to be done at the estate, Jeremiah had seen to in person. Yet he did not trust Alexander not to do something rash, so he kept ever watchful.
August came and went and the time drew near for Alexander’s postponed trip to Germany. He told his father with some defiance that he was going to stay a few days with Emma before he sailed.
‘She is thinking of going abroad to live. I wish to see her before she goes.’
‘Very well,’ Jeremiah agreed. He did not speak of the possibility of his son seeing Kate on his way to Newcastle. Even if he did, little damage could be done at this stage. The marriage to Polly was all arranged and Alexander would sail for Germany by late September and be out of the country for a couple of months.
Alexander felt his spirits lighten as he travelled north to Tyneside. As the train passed Lamesley he peered for a view of the inn, desperate for a glimpse of Kate. What a fool he was! He had not been near the place in nearly three months; she would have long given up hope that he would keep his promise to come and see her. What must she think of him? He had no right to go seeking her out and expecting her still to be waiting for him.
He resisted the strong urge to jump off the train there and then. At Newcastle station he hailed a cab and went directly to the Wadsworths’ town house. That evening they went to the theatre, but afterwards, over a nightcap, he poured out his troubles to his old patron.
‘Go and see her,’ Emma encouraged, ‘if only to explain your new circumstances to the girl. She deserves that at least. It would be better that she knows of your betrothal, rather than to wonder for years what happened to you.’
Alexander flushed in shame. He had thought too little of how Kate must have been hurt by his disappearance. Or was she just angry? He would never know unless he faced her and told her the truth.
‘Sometimes, I have these mad thoughts,’ he confessed with a bleak laugh, ‘of eloping with Kate. Running away together and saying to hell with propriety! Like you and James—’
He stopped abruptly at the look of displeasure on her face.
‘There was nothing improper in our marriage. I was widowed, remember, not betrothed to another.’
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean ... It’s just you didn’t let social convention stand in your way.’
‘I could afford to do so.’ Emma was frank. ‘I’m a rich woman. I didn’t need to bow to petty-minded snobbery.’ She reached out and patted his arm. ‘It’s different for you, dear Alex. You are not rich. If you turn your back on your father and insult the De Wintons you will be an outcast. Are you prepared to live a life of uncertainty, maybe poverty? Is Kate?’ She gazed at him searchingly. ‘I thought after your childhood that what you would crave most would be security, stability. Polly will give you that.’
Alexander swallowed the bitter bile that rose in his throat. He could not tell her that what he craved above all was to love and be loved. Kate was the only woman he had ever known who loved him deeply and completely for who he was. But even Emma, who had followed her heart, did not think he should throw away everything for the sake of love.
‘Then I will go and say goodbye,’ he said quietly, feeling the weight of resignation press down on him once more.
Chapter 24
Kate was busy serving in the taproom when he strode in. He looked straight at her as if she should be expecting him, yet his smile was unsure. She gasped as if someone had winded her, her fair face flooding with colour.
Bram Taylor bowled across the room and cut him off from the bar. ‘Good day to you, sir. Is it a meal you’re after? It’s quiet in the parlour. I’ll have Mary lay a table for you.’
‘I’m quite happy
in here, thank you. It’s Kate I came to see.’
The landlord appeared flustered and Kate looked away in consternation. Others were glancing round with interest.
What was he doing here after all this time? How could he waltz in and demand to speak to her after he’d put her through weeks of anxiety, then disappointment? Anger bubbled up inside. Yet she could not help but look at him. His face was so gaunt, his eyes dark-ringed - that face she had yearned to see these past desolate weeks that had kept her sleepless in the dead of night.
‘Then perhaps you’d like to take a seat outside in the courtyard, sir. I’ll get the lass to bring you out a glass of beer.’ Taylor did not want a scene in his bar. Whatever the young gentleman had to say could be said in private, dismayed though he was to see him back again.
‘Thank you, I’d like that.’ Alexander smiled, and followed him through the bar out into the sheltered yard where a couple of weather-beaten trestle tables and benches stood. It smelt strongly of the stables, but that made him feel more at ease.
He sat waiting for Kate, his heart pounding and his nerve beginning to fail.
Then she was there, with her quick loping walk and her scent of violets. He looked up into her smooth oval face, the large enquiring blue eyes, and knew in an instant he was still hopelessly in love.
‘Kate!’ He stood up and reached out. But she stood her distance, clutching the glass of ale.
‘Sir,’ she murmured. The word made his heart heavy. He had destroyed her trust.
‘I’m sorry. I should’ve sent word. I don’t blame you for hating me.’
‘I don’t hate you,’ she said quietly, ‘surely you know that?’
‘But I’ve disappointed you. Please, Kate, sit with me a moment. I need to explain.’
She hesitated, glancing over her shoulder.
‘Just for a minute,’ he pleaded. ‘Taylor won’t mind.’
He took the beer from her, gestured at the bench and they both sat down. Kate thrust her hands in her lap to stop them shaking.
THE JARROW TRILOGY: all 3 enthralling sagas in 1 volume; The Jarrow Lass, A Child of Jarrow & Return to Jarrow Page 61
