“We told Melissa we’d tell you. We drove down last night, didn’t want to do it on the phone. We got here late. Stayed at the hotel by the highway. We thought –”
“She’s good, Colt, get him outta the house, get his story,” Cal said to Colt, cutting off my Dad.
Colt dropped my ankles and I dropped my head. I couldn’t hold it up anymore and I could feel it coming. I needed my energy because it was going to rip me to shreds.
Cal let go of my hands and both his arms went around me, my forehead hit his shoulder and he pulled me close so my face was in his neck.
Then they came, they were silent but my tears shook my whole body in great, fucking quakes.
“Clean her up, call Dane,” I heard Cal order. “He’s probably with Kate. If he isn’t, he’ll know where she is. Tell him to get her, they get Keira and tell him to get them home.”
“Okay,” Feb whispered. I felt wetness on my foot and I heard glass being swept up but I had moved my hands to Cal’s shoulders, my fingers digging in, holding on, pressing in, my body to his, my face in his neck, as the tears kept shaking me, making it hard for me to breath.
I sucked breath and even to me the effort sounded painful. Cal’s arms tightened and Feb worked on my foot.
I lost time, having no idea how much slid by and not caring as I cried.
Sam was dead, my beautiful brother was gone. Tim had been doing his job but Sam had been doing what he was doing for me.
“He was doing it for me,” I whispered into Cal’s throat.
“Quiet, buddy,” Cal whispered into my hair.
“He was trying to make me safe.”
“Stop it, Vi.”
“Mel,” I breathed, thinking of her for the first time, fresh pain sliced through me. My body jerked with it and Cal’s arms gave me a squeeze.
“The girls’ll be here soon, baby, you gotta get your shit together,” Cal said gently.
My mind was running away with me. “I don’t even know this man.”
“Focus, baby.”
“Why does he want me to suffer so much?”
“Baby, focus.”
“Why can’t he leave me alone?”
“Shit,” Cal muttered and he did it in a way that my head came up to look at him and he was staring across the room at the front door.
“Mom?” I heard Kate call.
I looked where Cal was looking and saw Keira, Kate and Dane standing just inside the door.
Myrtle had my vacuum cleaner out. I didn’t even know she was there. I could see through the window that Colt was standing on the front porch, Jack to his hip, his phone to his ear, his head turned, his eyes on the girls.
Before I could move, Cal stood, me in his arms, and he carried me halfway across the study then carefully, he let my legs go but his arm at my waist held me close to his body. So close, I was suspended, my feet barely touching the floor.
The girls watched this without moving a muscle.
“Girls, come to your mother,” he ordered and both looked at him then they moved hesitantly into the room.
I tried to push away but he held me firm and when they got close they only had eyes for me.
I put my hands on both of their necks and I pulled them closer to Cal and me.
Then I bent my head to them, pulling them in further so we were in a little huddle.
“Something’s happened to Uncle Sam,” I whispered.
I clutched at their necks but they knew, they knew, just like me.
Kate tore free, taking two steps back, her face colorless, her eyes wide with pain.
Keira fell to the floor.
Cal let me go and went after Kate.
I dropped to the floor and gathered Keira to me.
“No!” I heard Kate screech. “Nonononono!”
I looked to her to see her beating Cal’s chest, his arms around her, letting her do it.
Keira just shoved in close, burrowing into me and cried in my arms.
“Oh baby, my baby, my sweet baby,” I cooed, gathering her as close as I could and rocking her.
“Hush, girl,” Cal murmured and my head came up again and I saw Kate clutching Cal, her arms wrapped around his waist, her hands bunching his t-shirt, her face buried in his chest and he had his arms locked around her too, holding her close.
I watched as it overwhelmed her and her legs buckled. Cal caught her, bending, he shifted her into his arms and carried her into my room.
I had no idea why but I got up, pulling Keira with me. She didn’t struggle but she was hard to control, her tears still coming, violent, unrestrained. I guided us into my bedroom and Cal was in my bed, his back to the headboard, Kate curled into him full-body, her face again shoved into his chest, her arm tight around him, her legs curved and tangled with his.
I moved Keira to the other side and instantly she crawled in, moving straight to Cal, to Kate, she burrowed into his other side and locked her arm around Cal and Kate, her head to Cal’s belly.
I slid in behind Keira, holding her close, having no where to put it, I rested my head on his shoulder and did my best to wrap both my girls in my arms.
Cal’s one arm was around Kate’s waist, his other arm slid around my shoulders. I couldn’t help but hope that he was holding Kate as tight as he held me. It felt steady, strong, safe when life had just knocked us right back down to our knees.
“Should I call Doc?” I heard Feb ask.
“Her foot that bad?” Cal asked back.
“It’s deep. I wrapped it up but I can see it’s still bleeding,” Feb answered.
“Call him.”
“Okay.”
Feb closed the door but I heard, in the living room, Myrtle turning my vacuum on.
I bent and kissed Keira’s head then reached to kiss Kate’s.
“We’ll see this through, babies, we will. Promise,” I whispered.
Keira’s body bucked with the next wave of tears that my words caused and Kate’s breath hitched so hard, it made me wince.
“Hang on tight, babies, we’ll see this through,” I kept whispering then my tears came back and I forced my face into Cal’s neck and his arm curled me closer.
“We’ll see this through,” I mumbled and then my breath snagged as I felt Cal’s lips on my forehead.
I should have pushed him away, forced him out of my bed, kept my girls to myself. He had no business being there.
But I couldn’t. He was warm and strong and solid and big enough to surround us with all of that and we all needed it, we needed something to hold onto.
He could go away later.
And anyway, he would.
* * * * *
Keira fell asleep first, Kate next, Vi last.
All their weight was heavy on him, Keira’s head still at his gut, her arm tight around his hip; Kate’s head at his chest, her legs still tangled with his, her body dead weight against his side; Vi’s face in his neck her arm around Keira.
Cal’s back was still to the headboard, his head tipped back and resting against it, his eyes on the ceiling. He was fucking uncomfortable but he didn’t move a muscle.
He heard the door open and he righted his head.
Colt was leaning, shoulder against the doorjamb.
“Doc’s here,” Colt whispered.
“Tell him to come back,” Cal whispered back.
Colt nodded, his eyes did a sweep of Cal under a pile of exhausted, grief-stricken, sleeping females in Vi’s bed.
Then he looked at Cal, shook his head, grinned and walked away.
Crazy fuck.
Keira made a noise in her sleep and pushed closer.
Cal closed his eyes, trying to blot out the feeling.
But he couldn’t blot it out, it was insistent, not to be ignored.
It hit him the minute he saw Vi standing, shoeless, carrying a dust rag, wearing shorts and a tank, the first time he’d seen her in two and a half months and she was shrieking, fuck, the sound of her shrieking the word “no”. He’d never forget
it, not in his life. That word, the way she said it, seared a path straight through him.
And it kept coming when he ran to her house after the crashing sounds came from it, the Dad pounding on the door.
And more of it came when he forced his way in and he saw her, that loss claiming her expression, fresh this time, so difficult to witness he felt it settling on his fucking soul.
And more of it came when she pressed into him, giving him her grief.
And more, when Kate beat at him, and more when she collapsed into him under the weight of her sorrow.
And more when they all curled into him, one by one.
And now, that feeling in the left side of his chest wasn’t nagging
It was constant, but it wasn’t pain.
He felt full.
Christ, the way it felt, he was full to bursting.
Chapter Fourteen
Vinnie’s Pizzeria
“Mom!” Keira yelled and I sighed.
“I’ll be out in a minute,” I yelled back and looked in the full-length mirror on the back of my bathroom door.
I was tired, so fucking tired, and I looked it. I hadn’t slept deeply since Cal disengaged himself from us so Doc could take a look at my foot, give me a couple of stitches and then proclaim in a heavy way that held more than one meaning, “You’ll be just fine.”
I’d looked into the old man’s eyes and I couldn’t help but believe him. I’d never met him but he seemed a man who knew what he was talking about.
This didn’t last very long, believing Doc that everything would be fine, but at least it helped for awhile.
By the time Doc left, Cal had disappeared. Colt had already called some guy who was fixing the door and Mike had come over and he’d stayed over. He spent the night sleeping on the couch in deference to the girls. He didn’t give me a choice about this, he just did it and I was glad he did, it was good knowing he was there.
He made us scrambled eggs, bacon and toast the next morning. While doing it, and while we were eating it, Mike was demonstrative to me, firmly demonstrative in a way the girls hadn’t seen him be before and in a way it felt like he was fed up with the waiting game and staking his claim.
I let him. I was too overwhelmed to fight it and his demonstrations of affection felt so good, I didn’t want to fight it. In fact, I needed it. The girls were in a fog of grief anyway. They barely noticed.
I slid through the day in a fog too, talking to Mel, who sounded like I felt; taking a few calls from friends from home; Feb, Cheryl and Dee, coming over, spending time. Myrtle popped by with a casserole. Pearl brought homemade brownies with walnuts.
I noticed Cal’s truck didn’t leave his drive and I noticed this when, surprisingly, a bigger truck backed into it and two men loaded it with Cal’s furniture, what appeared to be all of it.
This was a surprise but I didn’t care. It wasn’t my business. He’d been cool the day before and, as much as it hurt when it ended, he didn’t hurt me. I’d done it to myself. He’d been honest with me, he’d told me the way it was. It was me who had again taken it further than he ever intended to go. Why he was sitting on his couch the night it ended, drinking something I couldn’t see, just could see it wasn’t beer, I didn’t know but that made no never mind. He was, it ended, that was it.
I was grateful he’d been around for all of us when we got the news about Sam. I’d thank Cal one day, when I felt stronger and if he wasn’t currently moving house in order to get away from the crazy Winters women whose business kept butting into his lonely, fucked up life.
“Mom!” Keira shouted again, this time with heavy impatience and unmistakable irritation.
“I’m coming!” I shouted back, giving one last look at my outfit in the mirror.
I’d never spent more money on an outfit in my life and didn’t suspect I’d ever be in a position to do it again. A dark gray, light wool dress and little matching jacket. The dress was tight everywhere, scooped neck, short sleeves, a thin, fabric-covered belt at the empire waist. The little jacket that went with it was tailored beautifully and fit like it was made for me with a double row of classy ruffles at the bottom back.
I’d bought it for Tim’s funeral knowing I’d never wear it again, not ever and still spending a fortune on it. I was on such a mission to find the perfect outfit; I went to so many stores all over Chicago that I’d lost count. I was obsessed with it, almost frantic. I wanted to give Tim that, to go to his service, his funeral and the gathering afterward being what I was to him, his pretty, sexy wife who made an effort. It was good I did. Someone got a photo of me in my outfit and it was in the paper. The public got off on grief like that, the fallen cop doing his job for the citizenry, losing his life protecting the people and the grieving wife he left behind.
Now, fuck me, I was wearing it again.
For Sam.
My beautiful Sam.
I closed my mind from that, limped from the bathroom into the bedroom and grabbed my purse from the bed, not looking forward to driving four hours there and four hours back. I was so damned tired, not sleeping, my mind filled with garbage. And my foot hurt, I couldn’t imagine it being pressed on the accelerator for eight hours. I’d have asked Kate to drive, at least part of it, but she looked more worn out than me.
So it was me who had to drive.
Mike asked if he could take us but I said no. He’d never met Sam and he’d have to take a day’s vacation from work. Those days should be for fun, not funerals.
He was not happy about this, not even a little bit, and he let me know that fact. This was not easygoing Mike behavior. He was definitely staking his claim and I wondered if he’d heard about Cal. If I had it in me, which I didn’t at the time, I would have told him he had nothing to worry about, not anymore, not ever again.
In the end, I’d gentled my refusal and told him to take a day off when he and I could have fun. He didn’t like this either but he didn’t fight me on it likely because he was a good guy and he didn’t want to have our first fight the day after I found out my only, and beloved, sibling had been murdered just like my husband, exactly like Tim (Colt had told Mike this, Dad having told Colt, and Mike told me).
I snatched up my pumps from the bed and headed to the door. I was wearing flip-flops until I had to force on the pumps. I was not looking forward to that but then again there was pretty much nothing I was looking forward to that day.
I walked out of my room and Keira was standing just outside my door.
“Mom!” she snapped even though I was standing right there.
“What, baby? I’m right here,” I replied.
Then I felt him, I looked to my right and my mouth dropped open.
Cal was standing there wearing a black suit and a dark gray shirt that matched my dress almost perfectly. A shiny tie the same color as his shirt was dangling loose around his neck, his shirt was open at the throat.
I’d never seen him in anything but t-shirts and jeans, except when he was naked, of course. He looked really good in a suit and his suit was amazing. He might not spend a lot of money on his usual wardrobe but even I could see that suit cost some cake.
“We have to get going,” his deep voice rumbled at me.
“What?” I asked, confused by his suit, his presence and his words.
“Joe’s taking us. I called and asked him yesterday,” Kate, who was standing close to Cal, explained to me.
In silent shock, my eyes went to her and when they did she slid closer to Cal. Then I felt my eyes grow wide as her hand reached for his and curled around it.
Cal didn’t pull away, in fact, his fingers curled around hers too.
When they did, she leaned her shoulder into his arm.
Holy fuck, what the freaking hell was this?
“I –” I started.
Cal cut me off. “We gotta get on the road.”
“But –”
“Let’s go, buddy.”
“Oh!” Kate cried suddenly, her head tipping back to look at Cal.
“I need to make you a sandwich. We all have sandwiches because we’re not gonna stop. I didn’t know what to make you. Do you want ham and cheddar, turkey and swiss or roast beef and swiss or all of the above?”
“I’ll eat whatever you make, girl,” Cal said, looking down at her.
“Okay,” she replied, let go of his hand and ran gracefully on her high-heeled, black slingbacks to the kitchen.
“Mom!” Keira hissed, leaning toward me, eyes narrowed, clearly not pleased at this remarkable turn of events. Obviously Kate hadn’t shared her plan with her sister.
“Um…” I said to Cal, “can we talk a second in my room?”
“Nope,” he replied and remained unmoving.
“Keira, get Joe a coffee for the road. He takes it black,” Kate called from the kitchen.
Keira glared at me then glared at Cal and, obviously feeling the need for an unusual show of decorum in the face of the day’s events, she decided against throwing a tantrum but still, she stomped to the kitchen.
I limped to Cal and got close.
“What are you doing?” I whispered.
“Takin’ you and the girls to Sam’s funeral.”
“But –”
His hand came to the side of my neck and squeezed so further words froze in my throat.
His head dipped down so his face was in mine. “You’re dead on your feet, baby. You gotta get there safe, you gotta get home safe. I’m seein’ to that,” he said softly. “Now, get your ass in the car.”
“Cal –”
His hand tightened on my neck, it felt reflexive but it was strong enough to make a point so I again shut up.
His face got even closer when he ordered, “You call me Joe.”
I stared up at him and I knew my mouth was hanging open but I’d lost the knowledge as to how to close it.
He let me go and turned away.
I stood there and I didn’t know what to do.
I looked into the kitchen and Kate was bustling around, wrapping up a sandwich so huge Dagwood Bumstead would be in throes of ecstasy then grabbing an extra bag of chips then going to the fridge to get another pop and finally pulling out two more candy bars. Obviously my daughter thought Cal being a mountain of a man; he’d have a mountain of an appetite. Then again, when he was over for breakfast, he ate six rashers of bacon with his four pancakes so she probably wasn’t wrong. She shoved it all in the cooler as Keira jerked a travel mug at Cal, her other hand wrapped around mine.
At Peace Page 32
