"I hit the pavement hard and lost my breath. My mind told me to get up, but my body wouldn't listen. I tried sitting up, moving in any way I could. I even briefly felt for my gun. I finally saw the guy had it as I managed to sit up. He had it pointed right at me. I knew I was going to die. I had no time to absorb that fact, but I instantly knew it. I heard the shot. I felt so many things hit me at once. I was dizzy, confused. I just wanted the pain to go away and…and then I heard the other officer's scream my name and Jimmy's. I didn't even know it was him who hit me. I grabbed him and pressed my hand to his chest to stop the bleeding and those other idiots kept trying to pull me away and stop my bleeding. He was much worse. If they just would've helped me then—"
Zane let go of her hand and grabbed her by the shoulders fiercely. "He died the minute the bullet hit him, Ava. Do you hear me? Nothing you did could have saved him. It was instant. No one told you that?"
"They lied. I could've saved him. They told me, but they were just lying. He should've never died. He shouldn't have. It should've been me. I hate him for that. I hate myself."
"No, honey, they weren't lying. The coroner told us it was instant. Nobody lies to me, Ava. Trust me. Quit blaming yourself. Please."
Ava shook her head in denial, the tears swiftly falling without warning. Zane pulled her into his arms. She instantly grasped him tighter, feeling the security and comfort he offered. His soothing hand upon her back that gently moved back and forth felt so familiar. Her tears suddenly turn into sobs.
***
Zane held her as best as he could, rubbing her back as he liked to. He glanced at Austin, who had tears in his eyes. Austin nodded his head and Zane immediately knew what he meant. In one smooth move, he picked Ava up, cradling her delicate body to his, and walked back to her room.
He wished she had never started to speak. He hadn't been able to stand the heartache written on her face. Eating her pastry was all he wanted her to do when he stepped near her. He heard her writhe in pain in bed enough nights to know what would spill from her lips. Now he knew the entire story. It sure in the hell didn't make him feel any better. Only worse.
She cried the entire way, burying her face into his chest. The wetness soaked into him as it did at night. He gently sat down on the edge of the bed and tried to lay her down, but she clung to him tightly. Scooting to the headboard, he leaned back as he held her in his arms.
"Don't hate him, Ava. Please. He did it because he loved you. You were his family. Family protects one another, especially in this family. Don't hate yourself. You have to let go of the blame, the guilt. It's not your fault." He sighed softly. "It's going to be okay. I promise. Let it out. I'm here for you. Austin's here for you."
Before long, her body stopped shaking, the sobs slowed into soft tears. He didn't stop the soothing words or the rubbing of her back, even shed a few tears himself. Silently, of course. He didn't want her to know he was crying, too. She had endured enough pain.
Sighing, he kissed her head. She had fallen asleep. As gently as he could, he let her go and took his time pulling the covers over her. Leaving the room was torturous, but necessary. He could hold her all day until the pain disappeared. If it even would.
He fixed the evidence of crying and took his time walking around the farm looking for Austin. He found him in the white barn shoveling manure out of one of the pens.
Austin stopped immediately when he saw him. "I should've never asked her to talk about it. It was wrong of me."
"Because it was hard on you? Or it was hard on her?" Zane asked, his emotions almost run completely dry for the day.
"A bit of both. More so her. She was brutally attacked, Zane. I mean I knew it, but hearing her speak it was just…too much. Her adamant belief that she could've saved him. Well, she just can't wrap her mind around there was no use. I don't know what went through his mind in those last moments right before he jumped in front of her, but I'm beginning to understand. Every day I spend with her, she's remarkable. I don't think I would hesitate to do it. She struggles with that knowledge. That Jimmy did that. I thought talking would help her. I think it just took us two steps back in progress." Austin dropped the shovel and sucked in a few breaths as his eyes glistened with tears wanting to shed.
"I don't think so. I think it helped…maybe. It helped me. That I know. When we first found out it was her who Jimmy saved, I hated her for that. I didn’t even care she got hurt. To hear the attack from her brings it in a new light. She didn't do anything wrong. She was just trying to save herself. She didn't ask him to do anything. I guess I just blame her sometimes for my own guilt," Zane said, looking at the pig in the stall instead of at Austin.
The pig was primarily black with a few white spots sprinkled on its feet and tail. He made his way to the feeder, pushing his snout against it, and instantly started gobbling the food that dropped down. Zane couldn't take his eyes off the boring animal. Talking like this with Austin was hard, but a long time coming. They should've spoken in the beginning.
"She has nightmares at night. Here on the farm. She says she sleeps better, but she doesn't."
"How do you know that?" Austin asked, raising his brows with surprise.
Zane looked him in the eye. "Because I hear her every single night. She screams his name, pleads with him to just wait for the ambulance, it's coming. It's heartbreaking, Austin." He paused a moment to collect himself. "She did it the first night and I rushed to her room and grabbed her into my arms. I held her until she stopped crying, but she never woke up. I do that every night. I figure she has no idea I do it, or maybe she does, I don't know. She's never said anything to me. I just can't stand to hear her scream or cry like that. I hate it. It breaks my heart. You have no idea."
"That's why you had a change of heart toward her, isn't it? Why you dragged her out to the barns?"
"Yeah." It was all Zane could think to say. He didn’t want to describe his other varying emotions toward Ava. He wasn't even sure himself what they were. Holding her and soothing her pain helped soothe his pain a little. Looking further than that wouldn't be wise.
"Is she okay right now?"
"She fell asleep before I left. I think we let her sleep and then make it a good day. Not about work. That's all we've been doing, or at least me anyway," Zane replied, sucking in another breath to calm his emotions down. "Get her mind off the morning somehow."
Austin smiled for the first time. "I think that's a good idea. You know, it is the Fourth of July today. We haven't been to the St. Joe's parade in a long time. She might enjoy that. Help distract her from the morning. We can't let her hide in her room. It won't help."
"That's a great idea. No more talk today about Jimmy. She probably can't handle it. I'm pretty spent myself. That doesn't mean I think we should stop. We need to open up a little more about him. It was a good idea this morning. Don't think it wasn't, Austin. We can now be a little more prepared next time," Zane said, unsure even as he said it.
Austin shook his head. "I agree. Together—we do it together again."
"Do I need to feed the chickens and goats?"
"Nope. I did it. I didn't need to clean this stall out yet, but my body insisted on some hard labor for a while. Might as well finish it before we get ready for the festivities today," Austin said, picking his shovel back up.
"Might as well," Zane said as he went to look for a shovel.
Chapter 6
Ava walked behind Austin with Zane in the lead. They were fighting the crowd and trying to find an ideal spot to watch the parade go by. It started in ten minutes, so the likelihood they found anything remotely good was slim.
She grabbed the back of Austin's shirt, trying not to lose him as a big wave of people passed by. Austin quickly glanced at her and winked. Ava maintained her grip as he did that. It was odd. She felt comfort, security, even a sexual awakening when she was close to Zane or when he touched her. She felt nothing close to that with Austin. Just brotherly affection. The same emotions she had for Jimmy. They w
ere the brothers she never had. Zane was something else entirely.
She thought back to this morning, how right it felt to be in his arms, the way he soothed her. She hated herself for it. It would never happen again. He shouldn't be doing that. She took his brother away from him. He should hate her, not comfort her.
None of it was right how she felt. She didn't deserve happiness, especially with Zane. It hadn't mattered the words he whispered to her. The blame lay at her feet. His words had surprised her, though—slightly seeping into her soul. Could she release her blame and guilt?
Eleanor had awakened her to get ready for the parade. Nobody brought up the morning breakdown, just went right into the fact it was the Fourth of July and they had to celebrate. She appreciated the silence on the morning tirade, but not so much about leaving the house.
Zane even went back to his gruffness when Ava said she had been to a parade before and didn't need to go. She had wanted to stay in bed. They frustrated her, not allowing her to hide away.
"What kind of parade?" Zane had asked seriously.
"The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade."
Zane had shaken his head like that was the most ridiculous thing she had ever said. "That's not a damn parade. That's a bunch of uppity, self-absorbed famous people promoting themselves."
"No, it's not. It's fun to watch and some of the floats are just magnificent. Have you ever seen it before?"
"No. I don't plan to ever see it in my lifetime, or travel back to New York City," Zane had muttered. "I hate that place."
Austin had piped in to break the tension. "This is a small-town parade with local businesses in it, surrounding high school marching bands, good ol' polka bands, a variety of floats that you can imagine and lots and lots of candy. There is nothing more exciting than watching the kids grab for the hoards of candy thrown to the crowd. I try to nab some myself."
"Sounds like fun, but—"
Austin had cut her off before she could beg out of it. "Great. Let's get ready and try to get a good spot."
They were slowed down by her reluctance and made it with little time to spare. Now they were stuck behind two rows of people, the first row a family of four who sat on the curb. Austin grabbed Ava and put her in front of him. Zane stood next to him. Before long, they could hear the beginning of the parade head their way.
Ava stood on her tippy toes as floats started to flow by them and smiled wide. How amazing. The floats were simple, but decorated nicely. The music livened up the crowd on certain floats and the candy they threw out was enormous. The two little boys sitting in front of them were having a ball, even fighting over the candy thrown.
***
Jimmy took a sip of his coffee, trying to keep his eyes open.
"Wake up. You're going to miss it all," Ava said as she smiled brightly at him.
"Ava, it's the butt crack of dawn. Hell, I don't even see dawn yet. The parade doesn't start for how many hours. Why are we here so early with these other crazy lunatics?" Jimmy asked tiredly as he pointed to the other people already waiting for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Ava smiled patiently at Jimmy trying not to glare in annoyance at his whining. "Jimmy, you can't live in New York and not come to this parade. It's one of a kind. It makes New York—New York."
He groaned as he rubbed his eyes to wake up a little more. "Ava, you say that about everything in New York."
"That's because New York's one of a kind. When are you going to figure that out?" she asked as she smiled at him with a twinkle in her eye. "You have to come early to get front row seats. Even then you have to plant your feet firmly in place and let nobody push you back because they will."
She took a stance and posed how he needed to stand. She had her knees slightly bent, her hands to her sides, fists tightly curled up, and a mean look on her face.
Jimmy started laughing. "I have to stand like that. You look like you're on a football field ready to pounce on the opposing team."
"Exactly. You have to pounce on the other people before they rip your spot away. This is serious business here. You can't watch the parade without being in the front row. It's just not right."
Jimmy laughed again as he mocked her stance. "Like this?"
Ava laughed. "A little more fierceness in your face. They may not be terrified enough of you." Jimmy rolled his eyes as he glowered a bit more. Ava grinned wide. "That's better. Now stand like that right here for the next few hours and you're all set."
Jimmy stood up laughing, pulling an arm around her. "Man, Ava, what would I do without you?"
***
Ava gulped in a small breath, a lone tear running down her cheek. This parade was so different from New York's parade. If only Zane would give New York a chance. But he never would. Her lips fell as more tears threatened to fall. A warm hand touched her shoulder.
She looked at Zane, who said, "Candy by your feet. Grab it. Aren't you paying attention? Not as exciting as Macy's Parade, huh?"
Austin glared at him as Ava moved slightly away from his touch. Turning away from him, she reached down to grab the candy. Zane just shrugged his shoulders at Austin and looked away.
Ava focused her attention back on the parade. Before long, it was over. Austin put an arm around Ava and said, "How'd you like it?"
She smiled slightly. "I enjoyed it. It was better than I thought. Do you come every year?"
"No. We haven't been to it in a while. Went every single year when we were kids, though, and they still give out the amount of candy they did back then. It's nice when a tradition doesn't change."
***
"Oh, man, I love Tootsie Rolls. Can I have yours, Austin, and I'll give you my Dubble Bubble gum? Please. Please," Jimmy asked with stars in his eyes.
"Don't be a baby, Jimmy. Take mine. I hate Tootsie Rolls," Zane said as he started digging in his bag.
"I'm not a baby, Zane. I'm seven."
Austin laughed and put his arm around Jimmy as they walked back to the car. "You'll always be a baby, Jimmy. You're the little brother. It comes with the part. I will accept your offer." Austin grinned at Zane. "He's even parting with his Tootsies for you, too. Look at the bright side of being the baby."
Jimmy smiled wide. "Hey, good point, Austin."
Zane rolled his eyes as he slapped his Tootsie Rolls in Jimmy's hands. "Now quit whining."
"Thanks, Zane," Jimmy said. He turned to Austin, who still had his arm wrapped over his shoulder.
Austin grinned. "We'll trade in the car. I better get every single piece of Dubble Bubble you got."
"You got it, Austin. I swear," Jimmy said as he unwrapped a Tootsie and popped it into his mouth.
***
"The church here puts on a festival—beer, music, games, food. We thought we'd head over there." Austin looked expectantly at Ava.
They both missed Zane's annoyed look at Austin's arm around her.
"Sure," Ava said, even though she was ready to leave. Austin looked happy and she didn't want to ruin the day for him. She wasn't the only one hurting, even as she struggled to remember that.
They headed to the church where most people flocked after the parade. Austin bought three beers, one for each of them, while Zane grabbed some burgers. He shoved one under Ava's nose, the look in his eyes just asked her to argue with him. She accepted it without incident and ate half of it before she couldn’t down another bite. What an accomplishment for her, considering she had missed breakfast, refusing to eat anything before they left.
They stayed the afternoon mingling with folks they knew around town, introducing Ava as an old friend of Jimmy's. No one realized her connection to him and the three of them didn't offer that information.
It was getting near late afternoon. Zane had walked away from them about thirty minutes ago and Ava could see him talking to a beautiful redheaded woman. Irritation arose every time the woman tried to cling to him. Not once did she see Zane throw her off his arm. Who was this woman? A funny feeling started to form in the pit of her s
tomach.
A few times, she thought she saw discomfort grace Zane's features. Perhaps he was being polite by not tossing her to the side. Her worry intensified as she continuously glanced over and noticed how oblivious the woman was to Zane's obvious uneasiness. Joy settled in that he didn't like that woman clinging to him. As well as anger towards the woman.
These wonderful men who tried everything in their power to bring her back to the living had become important to her, just as Jimmy had been. It was easy to like this family. She had the sudden urge to walk over and protect him. Or was it jealousy?
A loud gasp almost escaped. Since when did she get jealous if another woman wanted Zane? He wasn't hers to begin with. It wouldn't do well to dwell on that. She turned her attention back to Austin and an old high school friend of Jimmy's, Alan Portman, who had just arrived.
"So, Ava, how'd you know Jimmy? I hadn't spoken to him in years. I saw him a few years back when he first moved to New York, and boy, he loved it there," Alan said, oblivious to the wince on her face at the question. That's all she heard this afternoon—how did you know Jimmy?
"I worked with him," Ava said softly.
"Really? Cool. You're a cop, too?" Alan asked.
"No. Supervisor of the crime scene unit. We worked a few cases together. He was a good friend of mine more than a co-worker," Ava said tightly.
"Ava took him under her wing a little. You know how Jimmy was a little shy with some people. New York is a little rougher than here. Being a native New Yorker, she taught him how to talk back a little, if you know what I mean, Alan," Austin added in as he shifted closer to her.
"Yeah, he was something else. Such a good guy. Sure miss him sometimes. Although, who the hell am I talking to here? You probably miss him every day. Sorry, Austin," Alan said, embarrassed.
"Hey, no problem, Alan. You know, we might get going here. Check on the animals and whatnot," Austin said.
Ava looked at him confused, wondering if he really needed to check on the animals or if he was ready to go like she was.
"Yeah, of course. It was nice meeting you, Ava," Alan said, holding his hand out to shake hers.
Protecting You (A McCord Family Novel Book 1) Page 9
