“Babe, you are making a huge deal out of nothing. Things between us don’t have to change. I will get furloughs and passes here and there. I might never even serve a day in combat. For all I know, I could get stationed in Europe.”
“I just can’t believe you wouldn’t even talk to me about this,” I said.
“Ava, don’t be that way.”
I was on the verge of breaking down, and he just didn’t seem to get it. He didn’t even understand why I was upset.
“I need to be alone,” I said. “I need you to leave.”
Haden looked at me with those gorgeous eyes, which seemed genuinely confused at the moment.
“Babe, really—”
“Just leave Haden. I need to be alone.”
Haden sighed as he got up off the couch, grabbed his jacket, and headed towards the door. As he stepped outside, he looked back at me.
“Ava, I’m sorry. I love you. I’ll talk to you soon,” Haden said.
Then, he closed the door.
The second I was alone, I dropped to my knees in the middle of my living room in my empty house and burst into tears.
Chapter Two
Seven Years Later
Haden
I wiped the sweat trickling down my forehead. I grabbed my canteen and took a long sip of water as I waited for Terreti to make his move. He looked down at his hand and then back up at me. I let out a frustrated sigh.
“Come on Terreti! Are you in or out?”
“Fuck you, McAllister,” Terreti grunted. He looked at me again and I gave him a smirk. “Shit, I fold,” he said, as he threw his cards down on the makeshift table. I let out a laugh as I dropped my cards and collected all of my chips.
“Who’s in for another round?” I asked as I looked around at the rest of my squad. I had been kicking their asses in poker for the last hour and by the looks on their faces it seemed they all had had enough.
“Oh, come on guys! What the hell else are we going to do right now?”
Just then, a telltale whizzing sound broke the silence in the distance. Everyone turned to look, just as the edge of our camp exploded. In an instant, we were all moving. Gunfire rang out as we all rushed to grab our gear and take cover.
All around me, the sounds of explosions reverberated through my ears, pounding into my head like someone bashing me with a brick over and over again. I could hear soldiers screaming in the distance as I ran as fast as I could.
I jumped behind a large boulder into a ditch with several members of my team. Our squad leader was shouting instructions and directions as we all blindly did our best to follow his orders, hoping against hope that his expertise, knowledge, and our training would keep us alive.
I held my gun tightly as we made our way through the ditch towards the firefight. I felt the adrenaline course through my body trying to counteract the fear that was forming in the pit of my stomach.
“McAlister, get down!” Terreti, who was our commander barked.
I dropped my body to the ground when I felt an extra weight drop onto my legs. I quickly turned to see Terreti’s body lying on mine. His cold dead eyes stared into mine.
My own scream woke me up, as my body leapt from my bed and tripped over the covers. I crashed to the floor of my bedroom, instinctively covering my head as the firefight in my nightmare invaded reality and I struggled to distinguish between the two. I laid in that position for several minutes, afraid to move, afraid I was going to be shot, and most of all... afraid that I was going to be staring into those cold, dead eyes of Terreti’s… again.
Waking up this way was becoming far more frequent than I wanted to admit to myself. It had been a year since I’d been home from war, and the nightmares were as strong and constant as ever. If anything, I would have said they were getting worse. I grabbed one of the anxiety pills beside my bed and swallowed it dry. I really didn’t think they did anything for me, but there was always hope that it might take the edge off slightly maybe just this once.
As I tried to calm my breathing, I looked over at my clock on my nightstand. It was just a little after six. I had tossed and turned all night as per usual and awoke even more exhausted than when I’d laid down to sleep. My therapist, whom I’d been seeing for the past year, had assured me I was making progress, but I wasn’t too sure I believed her.
I grabbed my sheets and threw them back on the bed. There was no use in me trying to sleep anymore. So, I got dressed and went for a morning jog, enjoying the sunrise coming up over the Indiana sky. It was October and autumn was finally in the air. I’d always loved fall. It was by far my favorite season. It had been ever since I was a kid. I loved the crisp mornings, the beautiful colors, the smells, the decorations, and of course the return of a new season of football. Even though my playing days were long behind me, I still had a desire and love for the game. I didn’t think that would ever go away. So far, my PTSD had not taken that away from me.
When I returned home from my jog, I showered, fixed some breakfast, and got ready for work. I was back working construction with my dad, which I knew I would always end up doing. After leaving the army, I tried to go to school for a while, but with the nightmares and the anxiety, I just couldn’t focus on it. I ended up switching over to online classes and going back to my dad for work.
My dad, being a veteran himself, was the only one that seemed to understand exactly what I was going through. He was proud of me for having the courage to go serve our country, and it helped us form a bond that I never thought we would have.
I lived with my dad for a bit, but my nightmares had steadily gotten worse. I never wanted him to worry about me, and I was sure he had his own demons from war to deal with, so I decided to use some of my savings and get an apartment of my own.
I coasted through the day of work as I usually did. I got my assignment for the day from my dad, and I zoned out while I worked on the task at hand. It was a job I knew well, a job I was fairly good at, and a job I knew I had security in no matter how messed up in the head I had become. My dad was understanding, and he assured me I always had a job there. I appreciated it but hated the idea of being coddled. It fueled my depression more than I would ever admit to.
After work, I went home and showered. I was tired and honestly felt like polishing off a six-pack and a pizza while I watched Filmflix. This had become my standard routine. Back in high school, I had always been the life of the party. Now, however, all I wanted to do was to be by myself.
I was just about to get comfortable when my phone rang. I groaned as I looked up at the caller I.D. It was my best friend, Austin Denison. We’d been best friends since middle school. He was a great guy and one of the few friends who had not deserted me when I came home from the war a crumbling mess of despair. It was nice to know who my real friends were. And Austin? He was a real friend. Hell, I considered him a brother.
“Hey, man. What’s up?” I answered.
“Haden, my man. What is shaking?” Austin asked. He’d always had the personality of a game show host. This probably explained why he was such a successful car salesman.
“Not much. Just relaxing,” I replied. My body felt like a two-ton weight was sitting on top of me.
“Cool,” Austin said. “Hey, me and a few of the guys are going to Lucky’s Bar and were hoping you’d join us. Should be a blast.”
I groaned. “I dunno, man. I’m exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well. I would be horrible company tonight.”
“So, what else is new?” Austin joked. “Seriously, you will feel better if you get out of the house.”
“I appreciate the offer, buddy, but I’m just going to chill at home tonight. I’m hoping I might get some sleep at some point.”
“You will never get out of this funk if you keep doing what you have been doing. It obviously isn’t working. So, dust yourself off and let’s go hang out a bit. You will feel better. Trust me. Dr. Austin has the cure for you. It’s good times down at the bar.”
I couldn’t hold back t
he laughter. In high school, Austin was called Dr. Austin because he was such a smooth operator with the ladies. The guy had charm and charisma oozing out of him.
I looked over at the six-pack sitting on my coffee table and let out a long sigh. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, Austin was probably right. Going out and doing something different might actually be good for me.
“Okay, you twisted my arm. I’m on my way,” I said.
“Great. I’ll meet you there. It will be a sweet time, trust me.”
I hung up the phone and looked around at my apartment. I really didn’t want to leave, but then again, I never did. In recent years, I’d become so accustomed to being a hermit I could barely adjust to social situations. At least I didn’t have to talk to or acknowledge that many people at work.
I got dressed and ran a comb through my hair. Once I decided I was fit for human company, I headed out to the bar. It was only about three blocks away. Lucky’s was the best bar in town, and I knew all of the bartenders and most of the regulars. It was one of the reasons why I avoided the place and preferred to drink alone—plus, it was way cheaper.
As I drove the short trip, my mind started thinking about who would be joining Austin and me this evening. He didn’t really specify and I wished I’d asked him, but it was too late now. Hell, maybe I would have a good time. My shrink had suggested I start doing things like this that made me uncomfortable so that they would become routine and comfortable again. It made sense according to logic but suffering from PTSD made everything pretty much illogical to me.
It was a battle that I was starting to get fed up with. I was determined to beat this damn thing.
“If Ava could see me now…” I muttered as I drove on the old familiar streets I’d grown up on.
Ava… I hadn’t thought about her for a while now, but truthfully, thinking of her and getting back home to her was the only thing that kept me alive during my time in the war. Even though I had crushed her with my decision to enter the army, and we tried to make it work, the repercussions of my decision ended up being too much for her to bear and we drifted apart. We used to write each other letters almost every day, but little by little the time between letters lengthened and eventually stopped altogether.
I have to admit that most of that was my fault. The realities of war were changing me and I hated who I’d become. It wasn’t long at all before I was involved in my first firefight. Afterwards, I felt dirty and sick. I knew I’d killed people. They were the enemy, killing my fellow soldiers and trying to kill me, but somehow it didn’t make it any easier. I could feel myself becoming numb to it after a while. It was frightening.
There was no way Ava could ever love the man I now was. It was probably better to just phase it all out, but I didn’t want to break her heart either. As the tone of my letters changed, so did hers. It became almost a mutual drifting apart and I allowed it to happen. But that didn’t make it any easier for me. By the time I realized I was making a terrible mistake, the damage had already been done and Ava hardly contacted me anymore. In my last letter to her, I asked point blank if we were done, and she replied that we were. That was the last I’d ever heard from her, and even though I’d been back in town for several years, our paths did not cross. I’d heard a while back that after school she moved to Chicago where she had a great job lined up. I was happy for her, but I still loved her and I missed her. I knew I would always feel that way, but I was relieved she wouldn’t see me in the shape I was in now. I was pretty far from that eighteen-year-old boy she’d loved before. And I knew she loved me then just as much as I loved her.
After the letters stopped, my thoughts were constantly of her, but I respected her decision and I did not contact her. I just clung to my memories. One in particular kept me going when I was all out of hope and clinging beneath the weight of despair. During the end of our junior year, a group of us had gone on a weekend trip. My friend, Willy, had family money, and they had an isolated house out in the country. We went there and had a great time drinking, partying, and goofing off.
The first night out there, Ava and I danced together for several songs, feeling the romance blossoming between us. Soon we went upstairs to the bedroom and made love for the first time. It was her first time so I had to be gentle. I think she appreciated that. It was perfect; far more perfect the any other girl I’d been with. Afterwards, we cuddled together and drifted off to sleep. As I fell asleep that night, I knew that this was the girl of my dreams and I loved her. I knew I was going to marry her one day.
Well, that didn’t happen.
I pulled up to the bar and parked my truck. I still didn’t want to be here, and thinking about old memories made me want to go home and drown my sorrows even more. Being around people was the last thing I wanted in the world, but somehow, I rolled my bones out of the truck and marched up the steps towards the door.
Here goes nothing, I thought.
Chapter Three
Ava
“What a pig,” I muttered to myself as I closed the door to my apartment. I marched into the kitchen, grabbed a beer from the fridge, and sat down for a relaxing evening in front of the television.
Another stupid date with some moron from a dating app. It was unreal. Just when I thought I might have found the one guy on there who was not a total disgusting pig, he turned into Mr. Hyde and made a pass at getting in my pants. What was it with these guys who thought that swipe right meant instant sex? It was ridiculous.
I was just about done with dating altogether. I had tried everything to find the right guy. Hell, even a decent guy was nowhere to be found, and all I got were wasted evenings with guys who didn’t know the first thing about how to be normal. I know I’ve always felt fairly attractive and I do get hit on by guys, but I’d never been one to date total strangers. Somehow, I felt if these guys hit on me all the time then they hit on any woman who struck their fancy, and they probably scored at least a percentage of the time. I wasn’t looking to be a notch on anyone’s bedpost.
My friend, April, suggested I try a few of the dating apps. I knew right away it was a bad idea. To me, it sounded the same as random guys hitting on me, but she assured me she’d met some really sweet guys on there. There were some jerks, of course, but she said most of them were really nice guys who were a little shy and not good at meeting women in conventional ways. I was willing to try anything at this point. My last relationship was over a year ago, and I had to admit I was pretty lonely. At the age of twenty-five, I was getting to the point where I really wanted to find the right guy and settle down. I wanted a family someday.
My dog, Pokey, leapt up on the couch beside me. He was a small Boston Terrier and the sweetest little guy in the world. Pokey laid his head in my lap and looked up at me with adoring eyes.
“Hey there, Pokey. How’s my boy?” I cooed in a baby voice. He ate it up and licked me several times.
“That’s my little guy,” I smiled.
I flipped on the television and tried to zone out a bit, but my thoughts kept returning to my disastrous date tonight with a guy named Zack. He took me out to dinner, and the conversation was a bit one sided. He didn’t have anything interesting to say and looked at his phone every two seconds. Afterwards, we went to a movie that he picked, which was terrible. I’ve never been a big fan of teenage slasher flicks packed full of nudity and constant gore. When he dropped me off, he suddenly tried to kiss me. I had no idea what signals I’d given him that said it was probably a good idea to kiss me, but it was obvious that the whole date was just a formality for him to try to get me into bed. What a jerk.
It’s times like this when I really feel that Haden was the only good guy I was ever going to meet. He was the guy I was supposed to be with, but that ship had sailed. I didn’t think about him too much nowadays, but sometimes when I was alone late at night, and it was quiet, I would find myself wishing his arms were around me. In my mind, I would travel to a more innocent time when we were two eighteen-year-old kids in love and we
had no care in the world but being with each other.
But he’d made his choice. I had never gotten over the fact that he chose to destroy what we had when he didn’t have to. I’d tried to understand it. I’d tried to put myself in his place and forgive him. It had been okay for a while, or at least I pretended it was. We wrote each other constantly. Whenever I asked him how things were, he was always pretty vague, but his mood seemed alright, at least at first. Little by little, his letters became more dismal and lifeless. Eventually, it just felt like he didn’t want to write anymore and I found myself not caring as much. One day. I just faced the truth that it was over. We were done.
I expected to break down then and grieve like crazy, but it had happened so gradually that I was almost relieved at first. But, as time went on, the heartache grew more intense. I’d been trying to distract myself from it ever since.
I know it’s wrong to constantly compare every guy to Haden, but he was the first one I loved and I’m not sure I could ever find someone else that I loved that way. It was more than just a first love; it was more than the typical high school love. It had to be; otherwise it wouldn’t have stayed with me for so long.
It was odd how none of the great times we’d spent together had ever left me. I could remember the night before school of our senior year how the two of us had driven to the edge of town and parked on the cliff overlooking the entire town. It was our favorite place that not a lot of people really knew about. It was private, sweet, and romantic.
We snuggled in his truck and just talked about the future, our hopes and dreams, and how amazing it was going to be to go to college together. At that time, there was no talk or hint of Haden having other plans. That was still a few months away. It was perfect.
Eventually, talk turned to kissing. His sweet lips fit so perfectly against mine. I could feel his breath mingling with mine, his essence pairing itself with me. Both of us were getting so turned on, the passion escalating, that I almost forgot it was my time of the month until he started to reach inside the waistband of my jeans.
Always Page 2
