Was I really doing the right thing? I clutched my phone tightly, my hand shaking, as the message finished playing. I wanted to call her back. I wanted to explain to her exactly what happened. I wanted her to know what was going through my head.
I wanted to tell her about the dream. What would she think? I felt like I was protecting her, but maybe I was only protecting myself. She was not a little girl; she was a grown woman. Maybe it was time that I let her decide what she wanted. Seven years before, I made a bad decision to leave her for the army. And then I made the decision for her to convince her to end things. Well, now maybe it was time that I let her make her own decisions.
It was barely eight in the morning, but I felt the need for a drink. I had to have something to keep myself calmed down. I grabbed a beer from the fridge. As I started to bring the bottle to my lips, I stopped. I could almost feel Ava’s presence with me. And I felt ashamed of what I was about to do. I didn’t need to do this. I was stronger than that. If I was ever going to be the kind of man that could even hope to be with Ava, then I was going to have to start making serious changes.
I poured the beer down the drain. As I watched the liquid pour out of the bottle, I actually felt an odd sense of relief. The pain and anguish I’d been feeling, from a few hours ago since I woke up in a cold sweat, was subsiding.
I quickly grabbed the case of beer from the fridge and began to pour each and every one of the bottles down the drain, tossing empty bottle after empty bottle into the trashcan.
After I was done, I sat down on the couch in silence, watching the television with muted sound.
Chapter Seventeen
Ava
“You should jump back in the saddle,” Harper said.
We had just finished seeing a bad romantic comedy after grabbing lunch beforehand. I had no idea why I was torturing myself with something like that. The last thing in the world I wanted to be reminded of was how happily in love other people were in this world, even in a bad movie.
We were walking to the parking lot, and Harper was giving me her unsolicited advice as usual about what I should be doing. It was mid-afternoon and I had yet to hear a peep from Haden. He was not going to call me. It was becoming apparent that he did not want to get back together or even discuss it. Last night, we threw angry words at each other but then we’d had sex where there wasn’t much actual talking going on. The mind-blowing sex... I could not get it out of my mind. Oh, I wanted to feel him inside of me again so badly…
But that hadn’t accomplished anything either. It only stirred up a bunch of emotions to give me the illusion that it had. Evidently, Haden did not have the same emotional experience.
Now, Harper was trying to convince me to get back on the horse to start dating again.
“Harp, I’m not ready to move on from this, especially after what just happened to me last night.”
“This is the perfect time to move on. It’s best to do things like this when you are angry, not after you’ve calmed down. Anger is a much more powerful motivator, especially when it’s tied into revenge.”
“But a dating app? You know I’ve tried those things before and they have never worked out. I’ve gone on far too many dates with losers. I just don’t have that in me anymore. I’m getting too old for those games.”
“Trust me, it is time to do it. You will have to go through a bunch of jerks and idiots before you find Prince Charming.”
“Well, if there is a guy who is Prince Charming, then why would he even need a dating app? Great guys do not have trouble meeting women.”
“That is so not true,” Harper said. “Maybe there is some guy on there who is, like, filthy rich, but he thinks every woman he meets is only after his money. So, he is undercover online trying to meet the perfect woman who wants him for who he really is.”
I looked at her like she was on crack. “You have been watching way too many holiday movies,” I told her.
“I agree. I need to cut back on that,” Harper smiled. “But give it another shot at least. You don’t have to date every guy on there you contact. Just have a few conversations, flirty messages, a few phone chats. Sometimes it’s nice just knowing you have options.”
I had to agree with her. We said our goodbyes and I went home to relax for a bit. I felt a Filmflix binge coming on. And ice cream. Oh, ice cream was definitely in the picture.
After I got home, I decided to take Harper’s advice. I went onto a few of the dating apps I’d signed up for a while back and began to message a few guys who seemed interested. It was odd, but I did feel better. And I was starting to feel less angry. I was grateful for Harper’s distractions. It had helped to keep my mind off things. Before I left the house earlier, I’d been stewing about the situation with Haden. I almost felt used by him. We’d had this fantastic night and then he just disappeared. It was even worse because I knew him, unlike meeting a random stranger in a bar and going home with him, which I’d never done. I had to be emotionally connected to someone to open myself up enough to get even remotely sexually aroused by them. It was just the way I’d always felt.
And Haden had my number. He could melt me with a look, and that’s what he did last night. I was so angry, screaming at him in that alley, but my lust was too much to handle and I’d basically attacked him sexually. And it was so intense. Oh, I kept replaying it over and over in my mind. Every time I did, I felt my body shudder with thirst for him. I wanted him here with me. I had to be with him.
But if he didn’t want me, there was nothing I could do. Maybe that was the real issue; Haden had no idea what he wanted. He hadn’t known what he wanted when he was eighteen, and he didn’t know what he wanted now. Or maybe he just didn’t appreciate it.
I tried to distract myself with more ice cream and getting into new Filmflix specials, but I ended up getting more depressed. So, I switched over to stand-up comedy. Maybe some good laughs would help me break out of my funk, but I was getting nauseous from all the ice cream.
My phone began to buzz as a few guys from the dating apps replied back to me. Most of them had little idea how to even start a conversation. It was entertaining, though. I’ll give it that. A few guys simply replied back with “Hey” or “Hi.” I followed up with equally vague responses. It was funny enough that I was starting to feel better. It was no wonder some of these guys were single. They didn’t understand that basic conversation skills were required for dating.
And, of course, there were a few guys who immediately went into the sex talk, asking for nude pictures. I teased them by asking them to go first. Additionally, I wasn’t surprised when the crotch shots started to come through. Some of these guys needed some serious manscaping instructions…
When would guys learn that no woman wants to see pictures of their junk? I did have a good time making fun of them, though, and their rude responses after they found out I was less than receptive to the charms of their nude selfies.
I eventually got bored with it and threw my phone down on the couch. I’d told Harper I was right about this being a waste of time. All of these guys were jokes, and I knew that none of them would compare to Haden or what I’d once had with him.
Why didn’t he want me? What would it take for us to finally be together?
Chapter Eighteen
Haden
“Thanks for dragging me out of the house, man,” I said, as I sat down on the weight bench and slid under the bar.
“No problem,” Austin replied.
He assumed his position behind me, ready to spot my bench press. I usually preferred to work out at home alone, but occasionally Austin convinced me to come to his gym and work out with him. It was nice having access to that kind of equipment and hanging out with my best friend, so I was happy to go. It was becoming a weekly thing for us on Saturday afternoons.
I wasn’t sure I was going to be in the mood to be around anyone today. I’d spent the whole day going in and out of angry moods, happy spells where I actually began to feel hopeful, then back to
depressed moods where I sat down and bawled my eyes out uncontrollably. I called my therapist and she told me that it was normal to experience these kinds of mood swings while my body was adjusting to new medication. It would be a while until my brain chemistry got used to it and adjusted. Fluctuations were going to happen until then.
Despite this reassurance, I had a feeling it was all about Ava. I’d tried to talk to my therapist about her, but she suggested I come in for an emergency session, and, of course, I would have to pay her weekend rate, which was a time and a half. Screw that. I wasn’t playing that game.
So, when Austin offered up gym therapy, I was all for it. There was something about lifting heavy weights that always improved the mood. Plus, it didn’t hurt that some of the sexiest girls in town worked out at the same gym. Having some eye candy to impress was always fun. But, once I was there, my mind remained focused on Ava. All I could see was her beautiful face in my mind.
I finished my set of ten reps, struggling on the final one. Austin helped to guide the weight up and set it back on the rack. I slid out from under the bar and grabbed some water.
“So, what are you going to do?” Austin asked.
I’d told him about Ava and what happened last night. He was appropriately jealous, especially about the hot alley sex we’d had. I felt like a dog for spilling the beans, but Austin was a persuasive guy. The used car salesman in him could pry information out of anyone.
“I don’t know. That dream messed me up good,” I said.
“I hear that, but it was just a dream. I mean, when you think about it deep in your heart, do you really think that you would ever do anything to hurt Ava? Especially if you love her as much as you say you do?”
“I would never intentionally do anything, but with my anger, man, it’s like a bomb going off in my mind and I can’t control myself. You saw the way I flipped that table over last night.”
“Yeah, speaking of which, you have to find a new bar,” Austin said with a smile.
“I guessed,” I replied. That was going to suck.
“Well, you have to just trust yourself. I know that’s hard to do, but you have to believe that if your love is that strong then it will all work out. I believe that true love can beat anything.”
“Dude, you sound like a romance card. When did you become Mr. Love Poems?”
“I’ve been watching way too many soap operas, I think,” Austin replied. “What can I say? I’m hooked.”
“You gotta stop that,” I replied. “So, you think I should throw caution to the wind and just tell her how I feel?”
“It couldn’t hurt. I mean, you owe her some explanation for just bolting that way this morning. Women tend to get offended by stuff like that.”
I nodded. My friend was right.
After the workout, we hit the showers then went to a (new) bar to get food and beer. That was also becoming part of our Saturday ritual. A beer always sounded good after a hard sweat. I had no idea why that was. Austin about lost his mind when I ordered the non-alcoholic beer.
“I’m turning over a new leaf,” I informed him.
“Wow, I’m impressed,” Austin replied. “Good for you.”
“I hope Ava finds it impressive,” I said.
“So, you are going to call her?”
I paused a moment. “I guess I have to. I don’t think I am going to be able to move past this. Plus, knowing she’s back in town, we are bound to run into each other again.”
“When you call her, what are you going to say?”
“I’m going to explain to her why I ran out. And then I’m going to tell her my concerns.”
“Good, man. Now, if she tells you that she is okay with everything and she wants to give it another shot, are you going to be able to handle it?”
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it, but I’m going to say yes. I can’t let her go. I think you are right with your cheesy soap opera lines. I have to believe that our love is stronger than that, and my feelings for her will help me heal more than anything else.”
“Right on,” Austin said. “I’ve known you for a while, man, and I have to say your biggest flaw is not believing in yourself half as much as the people who care about you do.”
“Thanks, man,” I said, slapping him a high five.
I actually believed he was right.
Chapter Nineteen
Ava
I was falling.
My arm flailed out, quickly grabbing the side of the shower and holding on for dear life, as my feet slipped out from under me. I was going to hit the tub hard. Instinct kicked in and somehow my feet landed themselves upright just in time to plant firmly on the ground beneath me and keep my body from plummeting to the hard bathtub under me.
“What the hell…” I said as I stepped out onto the bathroom floor. I was thankful didn’t hurt myself. However, my elbow was throbbing. I was probably going to have a nice little bruise. Damn tub.
I’d been cleaning the bathroom and finishing up with the shower when my foot slipped on a wet spot. My father’s warnings about falling and cracking your head open filled my mind, echoing in my ears. It had been one of his greatest fears since he had an aunt who died that way. Of course, his aunt was seventy-five and senile, but it was still something that had always stuck with me.
The bathroom was now spotless, as was the rest of the apartment. I’d been on a cleaning frenzy for the past two hours, despite the fact that I had just cleaned the whole place three days ago. I’ve always been something of a clean freak, but this was more about distraction than anything else. I’d grown tired of watching TV and tending my sorrows with junk food. I needed something more productive to take my mind off things.
Harper had suggested we go out with the girls again tonight, but I declined. I did not want to leave the house. I was content to stay home. But, the more I thought about it, I realized it probably would have been a good idea to go out again. Although going out last night was what got me into this funk anyway.
It had been a long, fairly sucky Saturday. I couldn’t get Haden out of my mind. I ultimately reached the decision that, tomorrow morning, I was going to track him down and make him talk to me. I didn’t care if he wanted to be with me or not. It only hurt because I wanted nothing more in the world than to be with him, but I would have to respect his decision, of course. I just needed to hear it from him. I had to know what was going on in his mind and what he wanted. He’s going to open up to me one way or another. I wasn’t going to give him the option of ignoring me. I had to have closure. My mind would never be settled otherwise.
Now that I was finished with the bathroom, I walked through the apartment seeing if there was anything else I could clean. The vacuuming and mopping were already done. Everything else had been dusted and polished. I was nearly out of things to do to the place.
And it was only seven o’clock. It was going to be a long evening.
I realized I hadn’t eaten dinner and was feeling hungry, so I decided that pizza was the perfect thing. Sitting down on the couch, I grabbed my phone and began my online order from my favorite pizza place. I was just about to press “Confirm” when a knock at the door came.
Annoyed, I strode to the door. It was probably my crazy neighbor who wanted to borrow flour. Mrs. Blevins was a sweet old lady who came over to borrow items for baking from me all the time. It was strange because she never went to the store, yet she baked all the time. I had groceries and baking ingredients, but never baked anything. Of course, she always gave me a big batch of whatever she was baking, so it worked out well. She usually swung by at like eleven at night. The lady kept very odd hours.
I opened the door and was shocked to see Haden standing there.
At first, I didn’t say anything. I was still trying to process the fact that he was really there. He looked immaculate as always, which reminded me of how awful I must have looked in my now dirty sweats and ratty T-shirt I’d been using to clean the apartment. I was even a little bit sweaty. Oh,
I felt disgusting. I hoped he didn’t notice.
“Hey,” Haden said.
“Um, hey…”
“Can I come in? I need to talk to you.”
I stepped back and gestured for him to come inside. He stepped passed me, and I closed the door behind him shutting out the chilly night air.
We both sat down on the couch. There was only silence for what felt like eternity. I wasn’t sure what to say or do. I’d been thinking about him all day long and what I would do when I saw him. I was going to go searching for him tomorrow to basically force him to talk with me, and now that he was right here, I was completely speechless. And so was he by the looks of things.
Finally, one of us broke the silence.
“First, I need to explain a few things about myself,” Haden started.
“Okay,” I replied.
“I know you never understood why I went to the army. Ever since I was a little kid, listening to my grandfather’s old war stories, I’d wanted to enlist. It’s all I ever thought about as a child and it stayed with me. My grandfather was in the army, and my father followed in his footsteps. I felt I had to do the same. I wanted to serve my country the same way they did. It has become almost tradition in my family.”
“I understand all that. I did then, too.”
“I know, but hear me out,” Haden continued. “Looking back, I realize that I never explained to you exactly how important that was to me and I never stopped to look at how important your dreams were. And your dreams included us. I was young and I just didn’t appreciate what we had. I didn’t know how the army would break us apart and how it would put our dreams together as a couple on hold. I was selfish and immature. I’m sorry. I know how much I hurt you and for that I will always feel shameful.”
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