“I don’t know if you’ll like what I’m going to say.” She straightened up and held her palms out.
I frowned. “Jada, come on. You know how I rely on you for advice like this.” And everything.
Jada was like my diary. I told her everything. I’d told her everything about Sam. Past and present. The past being right from the very start when I was five years old and met Sam.
“It’s Sam.” She nodded.
I sincerely hoped that wasn’t the advice, because I already knew that part.
“Yes, we established that. It’s Sam.”
She sighed and wrapped the ends of one of her braids around her thumb. “Olivia, what do you want me to say? Honestly. I feel as though you want me to reiterate all the stuff that he did wrong so it makes it easier for you to fend him off and push him out of your mind.”
I brought my hand to my forehead and straightened up in the sofa. I looked over to the French windows, then back to her. I wanted to tell her she was wrong, I really did. However, she kind of hit the proverbial nail with the hammer.
“I should want him out of my mind.”
“Since he never actually left your mind, that’s going to be a little hard. Olivia, you kissed him. That says something. If we’re talking psych 101, that is a prime example of a starved inner desire forcing to break free after it’s had a taste of what it truly wants.”
“So you’re saying I truly want Sam?” I hoped like hell not, because that would herald in the start of me going crazy. Bat shit crazy, since Sam was the one man who’d ever truly crushed me. Crushed me in a way that I actually hadn’t been able to move past. I couldn’t go down that road again. I travelled it for far too long and I jumped off the path when he left.
Today was just a moment. One moment of weakness. It had to be that.
“You did at one point. I’ve never pointed this out because I thought it would be very mean of me, but…” She shuffled and relaxed her shoulders, assuming her Dr. Love mode. “Sam is your bar. He’s the standard you hold every other guy to, and if they don’t come close in any way, your brain shuts down and instantly rejects any potential. Current guy is Marcus. Let’s take, for example, your last date with him. You got to the moment of the kiss and stopped. Why? Because he’s not Sam. He’s a great guy, but he doesn’t make you feel the way Sam ever did. But you could like him, you just have a mental checklist of what you want and he’s only ticked a few boxes. Let’s take it back to Jonathan. Now he was a seriously great guy. I actually thought you two would get married at one point. Then one day, just before the two of you broke up, I looked at you and I knew it wasn’t going to work out. I just knew. It was like I could read your damn mind as you did whatever subconscious comparison. When the end came, I was hardly surprised. You can’t compare with the original comparee.”
Jesus Christ.
I simply stared at her. I would be the first to make fun of her analysis and the way she always brought psychology into everything, but she was right. She was right and, damn it to damn hell, I couldn’t even find an argument to counter her.
I frowned and moved over to the window, folding my arms and looking out at the dance of willow trees in the wind. Against the darkness of night, they looked like shadows moving as one.
I sat in the window bay, pressed my hands against the seat, and returned my focus to Jada, who was now smiling.
“You wanted me to like Marcus.” I sighed. “You should be reminding me that Sam left me and coincidence brought him back into my life. He was never going to come back.”
“And he explained why.” She giggled and nodded at the same time.
“Would you accept that explanation?” I couldn’t see her accepting it.
“I’m not sure because I’ve never been in that situation. Your situation. I also never had love the way you did. I’m this big love doctor, but I don’t think the relationship I could consider similar was even close. I think, though, that if I were you, I’d want to see him. I’d want to understand his reasonings a little more. Olivia, he blames himself for your brother’s death. That’s a big deal. It’s reason to leave and not want to face the people you love most. So yes, I guess I’m saying his explanation is acceptable.” She hugged her knees to her chest again.
I couldn’t help but remember how Sam looked today as he asked me not to forgive him. I’d never heard that before. People usually begged for forgiveness and expressed their sorrow, but he seemed to be so harrowed by guilt that he wanted to stay there. I understood that, I was just afraid to open my heart again.
“Jada, when he left, I lost myself. I lost that grounding that made me feel complete. It was crazy when he joined the Marines. I worried myself sick that something would happen to him, but at least I knew where he was.” That was the longest he’d been away. In his last year of service, we didn’t see him for over a year. That was bad. But at least we wrote to each other.
Every week I’d get a letter, sometimes two. Sometimes a one liner, sometimes more. It kept me going.
Dear Olivia,
I’m alive.
Yours truly,
Sam
Or:
Dear Olivia,
They have the worst food here, but I’m alive. I miss your smile.
Yours truly,
Sam
Writing was our thing. That was what we did, and it was perhaps the thing that made our relationship blossom into what it became.
“Rule number ten.” Jada moved from the love seat and walked over to the window to join me. “Learn from the past, but don’t dwell on it. That is a powerful tool if harnessed correctly.”
“You do realize that my past taught me not to trust Sam, right?”
“No it didn’t. It did no such thing. That was a negative, and if we can explain distrust with an explanation like we have, then there’s no reason to allow negativity into your life.”
I smiled. “Okay. What are we saying, Jada? I really doubt that I should allow a simple kiss to make me crazy stupid. I don’t even know much about him anymore.”
A mischievous smile danced across her lips. “We know one really important thing.”
“What?”
“He’s still into you. He kissed you, and the fact that you didn’t slap him says a bunch of stuff.”
It said a bunch of stuff I’d been trying to avoid.
She leaned into my shoulder and giggled. “How did you feel when he kissed you?”
I took a moment to think about how to answer that. “The world stopped.”
And I felt the same way I used to when I was with him. Like I had everything. My heart woke up and reached out to him, wanting more.
Wanting him.
“Olivia, you know what to do here. I don’t need to tell you, and you don’t need advice from anyone. Your ex comes back to town, the universe puts you together on the same case. The world stops when he kissed you. You can’t just leave this alone.”
I actually couldn’t. I felt that I needed to at least see him and talk.
“My date with Marcus is tomorrow.”
“Going to cancel it?”
“There’s no grounds to cancel it.” There weren’t.
“Not even a kiss with your ex?” She laughed.
I groaned inwardly. “Jada, please. Let me take one step at a time. It was just a kiss.”
“Okay. It was just a kiss.”
* * *
It was a kiss that I was still thinking about well into the next day, right through the time I got ready for my date, and while I sat in the Great Beyond waiting for Marcus to arrive. He was running super late. He’d gotten the maître d’ to tell me he was delayed by an hour and I should get started without him.
At first I thought I’d have a few mocktails and wait for him, but when the hour passed I ordered a starter. Nothing big. Just some mini focaccia and olive oil dips.
I’d been sitting here for over an hour and a half and it was looking like Marcus might not make it. I thought I’d wait another half an
hour before either leaving or ordering.
Thank God I wasn’t actually that hungry because I was too wrapped up in my thoughts of Sam. Dad told me he went to see him—at his actual house.
I’d been thinking about contacting Stephens Inc. and going there to see him at work, but Dad took it to the next level. No surprise there, though, because I knew what Dad was like. I guess the surprise was him tracking Sam down so quickly.
There was nothing from Bradley today. No contact to reschedule and no contact to discuss yesterday’s disagreement. I hoped I hadn’t lost him. I’d gotten my other six clients today and he was still the biggest one. His case was still also the one that appealed to me the most. All the others were insolvency related and a little mundane. Not many intellectual property cases came my way prior to becoming senior associate, but when they did, I totally enjoyed them.
Bradley’s was interesting for the fact of his inventions and the merger. I guess, too, that his stubbornness kicked it up a notch because I didn’t know what the hell to do with him. Sam handled him well. I’d taken the road of reasoning, but, if the case was still on the table, maybe I needed to get a little harsh with him too. His demands were unreasonable. There was definitely truth in that.
It was weird, though. There was some element of weird going on that I hadn’t tapped into because Stephens were offering so much, but he was still demanding.
God. I wiped the thoughts from my mind. It was nine o’clock and I was sitting in a beautiful South American restaurant thinking about work.
“There’s no way you’re dining by yourself dressed like that,” came a voice that instantly made my nerves stand to attention.
I whipped my head around quickly and looked in disbelief at the man who’d just walked up to my table.
Sam.
Dressed more casual than I’d seen him yesterday in black slacks and a white button-down shirt, he looked amazing. He also had his hair tied back.
His eyes glittered with fascination as he looked me over and scanned over my dress. I guess it was the kind of dress that was designed to get attention. It was a black bodycon with diamonds splashed over the velvet material. It looked like a starry night sky. I had on the shoes to match and my hair styled in long graceful waves.
He smiled, pulled out the chair in front of me and sat down, not bothering to wait for the invitation.
“What are you doing here?” I hadn’t meant for that to sound rude, but it did.
The hint of a smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. “Couple things. One of them’s supposed to be talking to you.” He looked me over and the blue of his eyes brightened.
My shoulders tensed and my head had that light effect as I recalled yesterday’s kiss.
“How’d you know I was going to be here? Don’t tell me it was coincidence. The universe is good, but not that good.”
He laughed. “Joe said you might be here at this time if I wanted to see you. I’m also local and heard the food’s great here. So it was a sort of win-win for me.”
My dad was going to find himself in trouble if he wasn’t careful. It was typical him, though, to do this. I’d mentioned my date with Marcus when I spoke to him earlier. I didn’t know at the time he was going to use that info to Sam’s advantage.
“Dad shouldn’t have told you anything. I’m here on a date.” Sure enough I’d planned to see him, but not like this. As far as I knew Marcus was still on his way, and he couldn’t see me sitting here with Sam. It wouldn’t be good for so many reasons.
The most obvious being it would look like some conflict of interest on Bradley’s part.
“Yeah, he mentioned that. You looked like you were by yourself.”
“He’s on the way.”
He smirked. “Some guy kept you waiting?”
“He’s just late.”
He looked me over and pressed his lips together, then a smile inched up his sensual lips, making me think of the kiss again.
“I guess that means I get to keep you company.”
“I would rather you didn’t.”
He pretended to look hurt, but chuckled and rested his arms on the table. A lock of his hair fell forward over his eye, giving him that sexy look most women swooned over.
“Can’t blame a guy for wanting to sit in the presence of a beautiful woman. Even if she’s mad at me. Recently more mad at me.”
My stupid heart betrayed me and warmed at the thought of him thinking I was beautiful.
“Any reason why I shouldn’t be mad?”
“I just want to catch up with you.”
“Like yesterday? If so, no thank you, and please don’t kiss me like that at work.”
He nodded and held up his hands. “Noted, I will not kiss you at work. Next time I’ll kiss you someplace else.”
This was him all over. Playful and charming. I used to like that, now it just threw me off course.
“Next time?” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Sam, can I remind you that I’m mad as all hell at you and this isn’t the way to reach me.”
His smile receded and faded. Again he nodded, but this time he looked more cautious. “I’m sorry. It used to be the way to reach you. So I was just trying my luck.”
We stared at each other and the tension that surrounded my heart loosened, giving me the ability to think a little clearer. I wanted to see him, and the fact that it was now, what could be minutes before seeing Marcus, was just something I had to ignore for the time being.
I had so many questions and felt so many things. My emotions were swirling around my body, clashing and fighting against each other, but one thing stood out the most that I couldn’t deny.
It was good to see him.
That was something I couldn’t argue with. I could be mad as all hell. I could be thrown off kilter for that kiss he gave me that robbed me of my senses. I could have been a million things, but it felt good to see him. Particularly since at one point I feared he must have died. I thought we were so in love that only death could keep him away from me.
But I was wrong.
I straightened and fought away the anger that threatened to fill me.
He leaned closer, dropping both hands to the table. “I had an interesting conversation with Bradley today after I sent over some more agreeable terms that met his demands. He wants to meet tomorrow. It sounded like he was going to accept. That means the offer could be wrapped up by next week and I’d be looking to leave.”
Leave… Leave again.
I gripped onto the edge of the table at the thought. He just got here. Well, to me he just got here. I found him days ago and he was talking about leaving already.
“Oh, so…this is it?” My heart squeezed. If Bradley agreed tomorrow, outside of our mediation, there’d be no need to meet with me again.
“Well…I guess I have a few days. Yesterday was crazy. I definitely shouldn’t have kissed you, especially seeing as you have a boyfriend.”
“I don’t have a boyfriend.” I probably said that a little too quickly, and like I was correcting him. “I mean, we’re just dating.”
“Oh…right. Noted, just dating. Well maybe he won’t mind, then, if I ask you to go sailing with me tomorrow.”
“Sailing?”
He pointed to the docks. “You see the boat with the blue and white sails?”
I looked and nodded. There was a light shining on it from the boardwalk. “Is that yours?”
Sam always talked about owning a boat. Right from when we were kids. The only person I knew who loved the water more than me was him.
“No, sadly I don’t own a boat yet. I hired it.”
I looked back to him. “You’re going sailing then?”
“Only if you come.” He tapped his finger on the table.
“Is that supposed to try and lure me to go?”
The smile returned to his face. “Is it working?”
“You know you could just go by yourself.”
“Dear Olivia, I could go by myself, but it would be more fu
n with you.”
I considered it. Spending time with him. Was it wise to do that? When I thought of going to see him, I imagined going to Stephens and seeing him in an office setting. Going sailing was more intimate since we used to do that all the time, with Coop, and by ourselves when we were together.
It wasn’t hard to remember. With him sitting right in front of me it didn’t seem like it was that long ago, or like we weren’t those people anymore.
“So, how about it? Six o’clock at the marina?”
If I said no I knew I’d regret it. “Okay.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded. “Yeah, sure.”
His lips parted like he was going to say something more but he looked over to my left and sat up.
I followed his gaze and saw Marcus rushing in. He looked from me to Sam then back to me as he got up to us.
“That’s my cue to leave.” Sam stood.
“Hey there, I know you.” Marcus narrowed his gaze at Sam.
“Stephens Inc. I saw Councilor St. Claire sitting here and decided to come over.” Sam sounded so businesslike and professional I could have mistaken him for someone else.
“That’s my fault.” Marcus glanced at me.
“I’m not complaining,” I offered with a warm smile.
“Well, I’ll let you two have a good evening.” Sam backed away. “Was good to see you, councilor.” He tipped his head at me.
“You too.”
I would have been lying to myself if I said the tension that suddenly filled the space between us wasn’t there. It was. Marcus sensed something more than the casual meeting Sam portrayed. I could tell.
I’d also be lying to myself if I said that I didn’t feel that sense of emptiness as Sam walked away.
He looked back. It was quick, but he looked back, and the sadness in his eyes tugged on my heart.
Don’t forgive me…
His words echoed through my mind. I wished I knew what he went through. I wished I knew how it all happened. He’d never said.
The night Coop was killed, Sam called me and broke the horrific news. I’d never heard him cry before then. It was the last time we spoke.
Dear Olivia Page 6
