by C. W. Neill
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INT. SECRET HIDEOUT
AMY (29, the most beautiful woman in the world) is tied up in a chair in the middle of the room. She’s surrounded by HENCHMAN #1 (early 30s, Caucasian, average body type), HENCHMAN #2 (late 20s, Caucasian, strong body type), and HENCHMAN #3 (late 30s, Caucasian, strong body type).
Then, suddenly, AGENT JOHN MACKEY bursts in through the front door. All the Henchmen are startled.
AGENT JOHN MACKEY
(to Amy)
Sorry I’m late, babe.
Amy tries to smile, but she can’t because they punched her a bunch and she is gagged.
HENCHMAN #1
Get him!
They all rush toward Mackey to try to take him out, but they are swiftly met with a series of punches and kicks, leaving them dead and lifeless. Mackey walks over to Amy and takes the gag out of her mouth.
AGENT JOHN MACKEY
’Sup?
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INT. HI-TECH SCIENCE LAB
DANIEL is running a few last-minute diagnostics before they test out THE MACHINE. He looks very determined, while LINDA looks very nervous.
LINDA
Listen, Daniel, I don’t think this is such a good idea.
DANIEL
Neither do I, but I don’t have a choice goddamn it! If I don’t do this, the Lizard Man will keep killing innocent people! And he wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t for us. We need to stop him. I need to stop him!
LINDA
You are so brave. I love you.
DANIEL
Shut the fuck up.
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EXT. HOUSE - FRONT YARD
The house is huge. Two floors, a bunch of WINDOWS, and of course a FRONT DOOR.
The front yard has a big TREE in the corner, and there is a SWING tied to the thickest branch. It’s really a beautiful sight. The perfect house.
Then, out of nowhere, a pack of ELEPHANTS runs past the house! And right after they’ve passed the title’s like, BOOM:
“JUMANJI 2”
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EXT. DRIVEWAY
A couple DUDES are hanging out dribbling BASKETBALLS.
Then this OTHER DUDE comes walking out of the house, and the first two Dudes are like:
DUDES
Hey, dude! Come dribble these basketballs with us!
And the Other Dude just smiles and says:
OTHER DUDE
Honestly, dudes; you’re like my best friends in the whole wide world and there is nothing I would love to do more than dribble those basketballs with you.
Then the Other Dude joins the first two Dudes for some good ole-fashioned ball dribblin’ and they never talk about the murders ever again.
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INT. TORTURE ROOM
JAMES BOND is being tortured by DR. DEATHMAN. They call him that because he is known for killing people and he has a PhD.
DR. DEATHMAN
Have you been experiencing any... discomfort?!
And right as he says “discomfort,” he punches James in the face.
JAMES BOND
Yes, dude! Every time you punch me! That really hurts! Please stop doing that.
Dr. Deathman makes a note on his chart.
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INT. CAFE
SUSAN and BETH are sitting at a table talking about... last night’s episode of Sex in the City? I don’t know.
TIFFANY enters and looks around. Susan and Beth notice her and start waving like, “Hey, over here!” Tiffany sees them and she’s like, “Oh, there you are.” Then they start screaming a bunch and Tiffany gives both Susan and Beth individual hugs.
Nearby, a WAITRESS has this look on her face like, “I quit.”
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INT. AN OFFICE
I’m sitting opposite a large DESK and I have a very distinct JAWLINE. You can’t see who’s sitting behind the desk yet as the CHAIR is facing the window.
ME
This better be good. It took me forever to get here from my mansion in Malibu, California.
The chair slowly spins around to reveal...
STEVEN SPIELBERG
I’ve got three words for you... E. T. Two.
I think for a moment.
ME
I’m in.
Then we shake hands and start laughing about how rich we’re gonna be, and I just can’t wait to call Amy and tell her the good news because I love her so much.
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INT. CHURCH
All the KIDS are asleep, all the ADULTS are holding in farts, and all the OLD PEOPLE are not holding in farts.
The PREACHER is at the podium just gettin’ his preach on. And it’s goin good, man. People are listening intently. Except for this one guy, ERIC. But he’s deaf. So, technically, he’s never listened to anything.
PREACHER
Something about God... And also, some other stuff about Jesus...
REMINDER: Find out what preachers usually say.
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EXT. DAYTONA 500
A bunch of RACE CARS are driving at least one hundred miles an hour while also making a significant number of left turns. And they’re all having a great time doing it.
Then this OTHER RACE CAR shows up and he’s like:
OTHER RACE CAR
I’mma make right turns.
And then everyone crashes and dies.
NOTE: This movie will be animated.
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EXT. PARK
It’s your average park in your average neighborhood. There’s a BASEBALL FIELD in one corner, a BASKETBALL COURT in another, and a bunch of MEXICANS playing soccer in the middle.
Suddenly it gets very dark, almost as if something is blocking the sun. All the Mexicans stop playing soccer and look up in awe.
It’s ALIENS.
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EXT. ROAD
JOHN MACKEY is speeding down the road in a big TRUCK, desperately trying to keep up with a VAN full of ROBBERS (three). AMY (29, somehow beautiful even when she’s terrified) is sitting in the passenger seat and she is terrified.
AMY
Slow down! Slow down!
JOHN MACKEY
Shut your goddamn mouth.
Amy is offended for a second, but then she realizes she likes being told what to do, especially by John, so she does, in fact, shut her goddamn mouth.
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INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING
DANIEL and JAMIE sit at a table. They’re on a date.
Daniel is trying to pretend that he’s not thinking about having sex with Jamie. Jamie is trying to pretend that she’s not thinking about how much she doesn’t want to have sex with Daniel.
JAMIE
So, what do you do?
DANIEL
Probably something with math.
Jamie falls asleep.
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INT. OFFICE
BRAD and KEVIN are goofing off again while everyone else is hard at work.
Nearby, CHRIS decides he’s finally had enough of their behavior, so he stands up to go confront them. Then he remembers that he’s a little punk bitch and he’s terrified of confrontation. So he sits back down and decides to just not do anything about it for another fifteen goddamn years.
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INT. BEDROOM
A YOUNG MAN (black) is doing some PUSH-UPS and he’s really good at them. I bet he’s done at least seventy. Then, finally, he stops. He’s breathing really hard, probably because he just did at least seventy push-ups, and he’s staring at something.
INSERT: A blurry picture of BLADE (Wesley Snipes) hangs on the wall.
YOUNG MAN
(ominously)
See ya soon... Dad.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! No way.
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EXT. BATTLEFIELD
The NORTH is getting ready to fight the SOUTH. It’s the CIVIL WAR (American).
GENERAL SUMNER rides out in front of the NORTH GUYS to address them before they start killing and dying.
GENERAL SUMNER
OK, fellas, listen up. I know it’s been a long, hard couple of years. And I know we’ve lost a lot of good men. Really good men. Some nice ones, some funny ones, some that could play instruments. They’re all gone. Dead. And I know how much of a bummer that is, trust me. No one’s as bummed as me. Probably ’cause I’m in charge and all that stuff kind of falls on me, I get that.
(beat)
I know you’re tired. I know you’re hurtin’. But guys, those other dudes over there? Pretty sure they wanna kill you. Probably because they know if they don’t kill you, you’re gonna kill them. So how’s about this? Let’s get excited, let’s get motivated! Let’s find whatever little bit of energy we may have left and let’s go take care of business! All right?! Who’s with me?!
All the Guys are like, “Yeah, all right.”
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EXT. STREET
ROSS and JOEY are walking down the street. Joey is wearing a really big SHIRT and Ross is wearing a WEIRD SWEATER.
CHANDLER approaches, and he is wearing a SHIRT that is even bigger than Joey’s big shirt.
Then RACHEL and MONICA and PHOEBE show up, and you can see all six of their NIPPLES through their TANK TOPS.
Then they talk about something stupid.
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EXT. STREET
A MAN sits on a BENCH. He looks like a totally normal guy just waiting for the BUS, and there’s no way he’s an assassin.
PHIL approaches and sits on the opposite end of the bench. He barely even notices the Man. And even if he did, he would just think he’s a normal guy and definitely not an assassin.
MAN
Phil Peterson?
PHIL
Uh, yeah. Do I know you?
MAN
No.
Then suddenly the Man shoots Phil in the head with a GUN and he dies right there of a gunshot wound to the head! Oh man, that normal guy was actually an assassin! What a development.
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INT. FLIGHT SCHOOL – OFFICE
SOME GUY stamps a piece of PAPER.
SOME GUY
Congratulations, you’re now a pilot.
PICKLES THE TALKING DOG
WHO LET THE DOGS FLY?!
(pointing)
You. You. You. You.
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EXT. CAFE - MORNING
It’s your average hole-in-the-wall cafe. One of those places that probably has really good sandwiches and when people talk about it they say, “Best Arnold Palmers in town.”
TIFFANY and CHARLIE enter and sit at a table. A WAITER approaches.
WAITER
Hi. Can I get you guys started with some drinks?
CHARLIE
Yes. Can I get a glass of milk, please?
WAITER
No. You’re in your twenties.
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EXT. LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - ARRIVALS
Various TRAVELERS stand around waiting for their BROTHER or SISTER or WIFE or HUSBAND or BOYFRIEND or GIRLFRIEND or ROOMMATE or JUST FRIEND to come pick them up while a bunch of CARS are all over the place.
Suddenly AMY (29, so beautiful even after a seven-hour flight) runs out of the airport in a rush and bumps into an OLD GUY, spilling SAUSAGES everywhere.
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EXT. BACKYARD
Five GUYS are hangin’ in the backyard just gettin’ their GRILL on and throwing the PIGSKIN around. Just another average Saturday afternoon for these best buds!
Then, suddenly, the SKY turns gray and the weather changes dramatically. The Guys just look at each other; they know what to do. They all put on their RINGS OF POWER and fly up into the sky to yet again defend Earth from the evil LORD WEATHERGUY (temp name).
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EXT. BASEBALL FIELD
It’s another beautiful day at the ole ballpark. The SUN is shining, the GRASS is green, and the DIRT is as brown as ever.
JOSH is pitching for the Bulldogs and it’s going pretty bad. His teammates try to encourage him, but it doesn’t matter. He’s a belly-itcher. Plain and simple.
LEVI, the Tigers’ best hitter and the reigning home run champ, steps up to the plate.
JOSH
Pass.
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EXT. STREET - NIGHT
SHANNON and CHAD are Frenching real hard.
Chad slowly reaches for Shannon’s boob and omg she totally lets him.
I guess it’s true what they say, Chad’s da man.
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INT. ABANDONED FACTORY
AGENT JOHN MACKEY is pinned behind a SOMETHING. He’s taking fire from every angle. AMY is starting to panic (but still looks gorgeous) as she huddles in the corner next to John.
AMY
There’s six of them, John! What are we gonna do?!
John checks the clip of his gun.
JOHN MACKEY
Good thing I’ve got six bullets left.
John spins around and fires a shot up and to the left. Boom. THE BLACK ONE’s dead. Then he lowers his aim and fires another shot. Boom. You’re gone, CRAZY HAIRCUT GUY. Then he tumbles over some PIPES and takes another shot. Thanks for playing, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. Then he whips around to his right and fires another shot. SUNGLASSES GUY is out of the picture. Then he puts the gun behind his back to take out ASIAN TONY DANZA. Then he does another full spin and shoots EYE PATCH GUY right through his one remaining EYEBALL. He did it. Amazing.
Amy runs up to John and starts hugging and kissing him. John plays it really cool ’cause that’s just who he is. But he totally knows they’re about to have hot sex.
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EXT. LAKE
It’s a beautiful day at the lake, and plenty of people have come out to enjoy some fun in the sun. Some people are SKIING, some people are INNER TUBING, and some people (ideally women) are just catchin’ some rays and working on their TAN.
Then a BRONTOSAURUS shows up and starts drinking from the lake and everyone’s like, “Holy cow, look at that brontosaurus!”
NOTE: This movie will require dinosaurs.
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INT. DOLLAR STORE
It’s a pretty cool store. Everything only costs a DOLLAR.
TRAVIS enters and approaches an EMPLOYEE.
TRAVIS
Excuse me, does everything really only cost one dollar?
EMPLOYEE
Yes, sir.
TRAVIS
But I have, like, thirty dollars.
EMPLOYEE
Well, then you could buy thirty things.
Then Travis literally loses his mind and spends the rest of his life in a MENTAL INSTITUTION.
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EXT. ROUTE 66
JASON STATHAM (ideally) is walking down the side of the road. He’s wearing a really cool TRENCH COAT and carrying a GUITAR CASE as he walks down the side of the road.
In the distance he sees a CAR approaching. A car? In 2037? This should be interesting. As it gets closer to him, it slows down and comes to a stop. Then the driver takes off his sunglasses, and it’s KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR (ideally)
.
KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR
Where do you think you’re going, Agent Zero?
JASON STATHAM
With all due respect, Mr. President, that’s none of your damn business.
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EXT. STREET – DAY
AGENT REYNOLDS chases an INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL through the busy streets of MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN. The International Criminal can totally tell that Reynolds is the best agent in THE BUREAU, and ever since his WIFE was brutally murdered there’s no stopping him.
So he pulls out a THING and pushes a BUTTON, and just like that, he vanishes into thin air. Reynolds is shocked, but keeps his wits.
AGENT REYNOLDS
International criminal...?
EXTREME CLOSE-UP:
AGENT REYNOLDS
More like inter-dimensional criminal!
Oh yeah, also, this movie is set in the future.
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EXT. STREET
AMY (29, disgusting and covered in dirt) sits on the sidewalk in a pile of GARBAGE that is now her house because her whole life has fallen apart ever since she made the mistake of breaking up with me.
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EXT. MAJOR CITY - I’M THINKING CHICAGO
There are a bunch of BUILDINGS of various sizes, but most of them have been destroyed on account of the Apocalypse that just happened. Also there are some CARS that have been burned and the streets are covered in DEBRIS and BODIES.
JOHN STONE (V.O.)
March 17, 2007. Oprah is dead.
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INT. CHURCH
