“Mom, you taught me better than that!” I could tell that Sam was a tad offended that I felt the need to bring this to him.
I sighed. “I know, sweetie. I just worry about you—and about Karie. Sex is... well, it’s serious.”
Sam struggled not to laugh, and I couldn’t help but feel that I was botching this entire discussion.
I continued. “You really have to think about birth control, and even if she is on the pill... heck, even some medication could make her pill less effective, and you wouldn’t even know until it’s too late.”
I was trying. “Okay... crap... okay, look. I don’t want to be a grandmother! Okay? There. I said it! I’m too young. Hell, I don’t even have gray hair yet.”
Now Sam actually starting laughing. “But you’d be the hottest grandma out there, Mom.”
I gave him a dirty look. “Don’t even go there.”
I put my hand over his and really looked at him. Sam was so handsome, so smart, so kind. He was becoming such a good man, and a lot of that had to do with Brian, and I hoped some of it had to do with me. Sam was the perfect case study for nature versus nurture. I only knew what Brian had shared about Hannah. Brian saw no real reason to talk about her, but I knew that at one point he had thought their relationship was serious. I’d run across pictures he had stored away in old boxes. She was a beautiful women. I’d give her that. Other than that, I didn’t know much. She was older than Brian and more... worldly. Eventually he realized something was off about her. She was too wild, too unpredictable, and their relationship wouldn’t last. And then she got pregnant with Sam. Trying to make it work caused more problems, and Brian had told me, albeit it was just a passing comment, that his father had already started helping him look into getting sole custody of Sam.
For years I had lived in fear of her coming back to Virginia—possibly seeking to reclaim her son. I wasn’t worried about Brian. He always spoke with a finality, and I knew that it was a closed door in his mind. But her son? Deep down the idea of her trying to take away our Sam was one of my worst nightmares. But as the years passed, and we heard nothing, the fear subsided. And then Sam turned 18, and I blew out the breath I had been holding for 15 years.
“Mom?” Sam snapped me out of my thoughts.
“Sorry... Honey, I just want you to be careful. Birth control, safe sex... it needs to be something you both talk about. With the risk of pregnancy or STDs... it can’t be only on you or Karie. Okay?” I was begging him to listen to me, to hear what I was saying. “Just promise me that you’ll be careful?”
He’d stopped laughing and squeezed my hand in his. “Mom, I promise you, whatever we decide, it’ll be something we decide together. Have faith in how you raised me, okay?”
“I do, baby. But I also know you have plans for your life. So a baby right now... or a wife. It would be hard.”
“You know, you and Dad weren’t much older than Karie and I when you got married,” Sam pointed out.
“No. We weren’t.” I eyed him. “Are you that serious? Marriage? Kids? Is that something you’ve talked about?”
“Not really. We haven’t even said the ’L’ word yet,” he told me. “But I like her. I think I’m falling in love with her. It feels different.”
“It feels real,” I filled in for him. “When your dad and I got serious, it felt different for me too. With the few other guys I dated, there was this idea that we had to do this or do that, but with your dad... I just felt like things fell into place.”
Sam was nodding and watching me closely.
“Now, don’t get me wrong. Any relationship will take some work, but with your dad... even the work felt right.”
For once, I was able to keep it together. I was able to share all of this with Sam and not break down. My heart still felt hollow, but there was a tiny bit of joy there too. Joy that I had been able to have Brian for so many years. That we had been able to share all we shared, that we had the kids. And the joy kept my eyes dry—for the time being.
I smiled and nodded at him. “You know, I always figured your dad would give you this talk.”
Sam returned my sad smile. “I know, Mom. Me too.”
And I couldn’t help but think how proud Brian would be of our son.
“I promise, Mom. I’ll be careful. I won’t do anything to make you or Dad ashamed of me. And I love Bee and Anthony too, so I wouldn’t disrespect them either.”
“Good answer.” I told him, and I moved to get up.
“That’s it?” Sam seemed surprised.
“Did you want me to lecture you more?” I prodded.
He held up his hands in surrender and shook his head.
I laughed at him. “That’s it. Be free!”
Chapter 21
The next few days were hectic. I had been busy making sure we had everything we needed for our cruise.
Jessie got a very cute and age-appropriate pink swimsuit, courtesy of Amy. She insisted that I put it in my room as she was still certain her sister hid her other suit.
And Carey’s first date with Lessa apparently went “Great!” That was all he said, but he genuinely looked happy. Apparently, talking on the phone wasn’t something teens did these days, but his cell phone was blowing up with the texts.
* * *
“You guys have everything, right?” I asked the three older boys the night before we were supposed to leave.
“Yes,” they all answered, and three sets of eyes rolled.
“Stop it before I smack you all.” I was frazzled. Brian had always been there to help me out. “You guys have your suits? Dress shoes? Sneakers?”
“Mom, we do!” Even Jimmy was getting annoyed.
“Bathing suits? Enough underwear? I’m not doing laundry on the ship.”
“Mom, it’s cool.” Carey said.
I felt like a drill sergeant. “You guys get your deodorant, toothbrushes, that kind of crap.”
Sam stepped forward and stopped my pacing. “Mom! We’re good. You just worry about you and the girls. We got this.”
I blew out a breath. “We’re done. I got all the paperwork, passports. It’s all in my purse. We’ll just have the backpack with the girls’ suits, so one of you guys can get that. I’ll take care of the girls, and I think we’re good to go.”
“Mom, we’re going to have a great time!” The boys reassured me.
Chapter 22
“That was awesome!” Carey and Jimmy were psyched.
“Sam, there’s the girls’ suitcase. Grab it!” Sam yanked it off the belt.
The cruise really had been great.
* * *
The first two days, the kids did their thing. The girls were in Kids Camp, and Jimmy and Ant found some friends. Carey and Sam spent plenty of time by the pool with Karie, Anthony, and Ben. Amy, Bee, and I did a spa day, and then strutted our stuff on the pool deck. Sam and Karie whistled, but I think Carey was embarrassed about seeing his mom in a bikini.
On our third day, the ship pulled into St. Maarten. We had loved the port on our last cruise. I even joked with Brian about buying a small condo there. And it was the perfect place to perform our ceremony for Brian.
I had found a little wooden box, and we had all put something inside of it. I put the picture of the seven of us from our last cruise in it, as well as a a turquoise ring Brian had bought me for our 15th anniversary. Sam put a copy of his acceptance letter from Duke in the box, and Carey put Brian’s old baseball glove in there. Jimmy gently placed Brian’s favorite fishing lure in the box. The girls had been torn on what to put in, but they finally found a picture of the three of them. In first grade, there was a Daddy-Daughter dance, and Brian took both girls. He had bought them corsages, and I had taken them to have their hair done. The girls had a great time with their Dad.
I’m sure we weren’t supposed to do it, and perhaps someone would find the box one day and wonder what it all meant, but that wasn’t what I was thinking about right then and there. Brian had found a place to hike the last
time we were in St. Maarten—some secluded place the guys could take pictures of the island. This time we were going to cover the same route. The 12 of us put on our sneakers and sunblock and set out. An hour later, we were on a hill overlooking the water.
“God, this is beautiful!” Amy said. “I can’t believe we didn’t come the first time.”
“That’s because you don’t like to sweat, honey,” Ben teased her.
“You guys have more room in the box?” Ant asked. He was a handsome young man. He looked so much like his father, but he had Bee’s startling green eyes.
“It’s getting tight, but we could probably squeeze in a few things,” I told him as Sam carefully took it out of the backpack.
The box was a bit larger than a shoebox, and the girls had decorated it. “Daddy” was spelled out in purple paint on the lid. Ant took off his baseball cap.
“Your dad was a great coach. I don’t think I would’ve kept playing baseball if it wasn’t for him.” He put it in the box, and then put his arm around Jimmy’s shoulders.
“Okay, mine’s weird,” Karie said pulling a Superman Band-Aid out of her shorts.
“What is that?” Sam laughed.
“When I was about 11, I fell rollerblading right in front of your house. Your dad was outside mowing the lawn and saw me. He helped me up to the porch and cleaned up my knee. I just thought it was funny. He kept apologizing saying all he had was Batman Band-Aids.”
We all laughed at the image.
“I couldn’t find Batman, but I think your Dad will remember.” She placed it in the box, and then went back and took Sam’s hand.
“I miss him.” Anthony said, and he placed the cap of a Red Stripe beer bottle in the box. The guys had downed at least a six-pack each on the last cruise when we hit Jamaica.
Bee was crying openly as she placed a CD in the box. “No one would do the Electric Slide with me on the last cruise!”
That is, except for Brian.
“Dad sucked at it,” Jimmy said, getting choked up.
“Yeah, he did,” Ben agreed.
Ben and Amy placed a picture of the greenhouse Brian had built for them a few years ago. Amy couldn’t have children, and she always joked that her flowers were her babies. Brian and Ben decided to give her a beautiful place to work on them.
Ben came over and hugged me tightly. “He was our best friend.”
I found the setting more moving than the funeral, which had also been a lovely service. But this? This was our family. Our boys, our little girls, and our friends. This was who we were, who Brian had been. We stood there for a little while. It was quiet, and there was no one else around.
“Thank you,” I told everyone. “Thank you all for being there for us—for picking up the pieces when I was just falling apart. Amy likes to tell me that I would’ve made it without all of you, but I’m glad I didn’t have to. I’m glad he knew you. I’m glad you knew him.”
I was crying then—actually everyone was. Bee and Amy were openly sobbing, and their husbands had tears in their eyes. The girls were sitting by the rock we had placed the box on and had their arms around each other. Jimmy was sitting on the ground, and Ant sat next to him, his arms around his friends shoulder and their backs to us. Carey was standing next to me.
And Sam and Karie were together.
“I really wish Brian had been here to see the two of you,” I said to them.
“I think he is,” Karie said.
Everyone nodded, and suddenly, it felt like it was time to go. We all readied ourselves and made the return hike.
* * *
Ben, ever the planner, had found us a driver for the day, and he was waiting for us when we got to the bottom of the mountain 30 minutes later. The walk down had been different than our time at the top. It was lighter, filled with laughter. Ben and Anthony regaled the kids with stories of their ‘Man Trips.’”
“No one wants to hear about your fishing trips,” Bee teased.
“Yeah, we do!” Ant told his mom.
“Funny, they never seemed to catch anything,” Karie teased.
“That’s what you think,” Anthony threw back.
There were some oohh’s as the kids all laughed at Karie and her father.
When we finally reached the bottom, the kids all got into the driver’s van. I stood at the base of the mountain and looked up at it.
“You have no idea how much I loved you—how much I still love you,” I said to my husband. “Good-bye, my love.”
“You okay?”
I turned around to find Bee and Amy behind me, concern etched on their faces.
“You know what?” I asked them. “I think I am.”
I really think I am.
* * *
We made it back to the ship that day in one piece. I had asked to have some time alone, so everyone else went ahead to dinner. I sat on the balcony of the room I shared with the girls and just looked out over the ocean. For the first time in almost a year, I just enjoyed the silence. The waves kicked up against the side of the ship, and the water reminded me of Brian’s eyes.
I had wondered if I’d feel like I was leaving a part of me behind, but I didn’t. I just felt... at peace. I was more likely to bring up death than Brian had been. I had always told him if something happened to me, he would remarry within a year—he had gotten so used to having someone there. But he would gruffly tell me to shut up. The one time he did say something else in response was after his father died.
I adored Brian’s father. Mark was larger than life and would fill the room with his presence. He was the exact opposite of my father, and his death had crushed me.
“If something happens to me, Julie, be happy,” Brian had said.
“Shut up!” I snapped at Brian. “Don’t talk like that.”
He took my face in his hands and kissed me. “Don’t mourn me for too long. Promise me you’ll be happy again.”
I gave him dirty looks, but he kept on until I promised.
Sitting on the balcony without Brian by my side, I felt as if I broke that promise. The idea of being happy, of ever finding someone else seemed like such a foreign concept. I wasn’t one to wax poetic on soul mates, but what I had with Brian, anyone else would be forever trying to live up to a memory. And yet, Brian had never said being happy meant remarrying. I could find... I was finding my own happiness. And for the time being, I was happy—with the kids, with our friends. I would start to find a way to keep my promise to Brian.
* * *
The next day we went to St. Thomas, and Ben promised us a beautiful beach. He said it was one of the most beautiful beaches in the world - according to one of his magazines and the Internet.
The beach was just okay—apparently the magazine was there during some other season. And the sunburn I got kind of sucked. Nevertheless it was a wonderful afternoon.
The following day Amy, Bee, and I got off in Nassau and hit the straw market. We bought trinkets for the kids, and I found a great wooden mask that I would hang on my wall—after I figured out how to hang something on a wall. We drank a bit too much at one of the local bars and spent too much on locally made sarongs.
And on the final day of the cruise, we hit the casino. Well, everyone over 18 did. Sam, Ben, Anthony, and Amy all lost money. Karie, Bee, and I won a little something to make us the ones with smiles on our faces.
And then, sadly, it was back to the home port.
* * *
“Alright. Do we have all the bags?” I asked, checking off my list.
“Nope, we’re still missing the girls’ suitcase,” Sam said.
“There it is!” Maggie ran over and tried to lift it off the moving belt, but it dragged her instead. “Carey! Help me!”
He laughed and easily lifted it off and placed it on our cart.
Customs had been a breeze, though Ben had to pay taxes on some of the liquor he brought home.
We all headed out to our cars. Sam, Carey, and Jimmy loaded up the van while I got the girls se
ttled. I hugged our friends, and thanked them for joining us. And then it was just the kids and I.
“We good?” I asked, climbing into the driver’s seat.
“Yep, let’s do it!” Sam said, climbing in next to me.
“Everyone buckled up?” I asked the kids.
“Yes.”
“Yep.”
“Yes, Mommy.”
“Sam, put your seat belt on,” I told him.
Once we were all buckled in, I started the car, and we headed out of the lot. We had left out of Baltimore, so it took us about 4 hours to get home. The kids sang along with the radio and talked about the highlights of their trip.
In my head, I was planning the next few days, weeks, and months. A trip to the grocery store would be a necessity when we got home. In a few weeks, we would need to start shopping for school supplies. Jimmy and Carey would need sports physicals. And I needed to get my eyes examined—it was about time for new glasses.
“Are we almost home?” Jessie whined from the back seat.
I looked around to see where we were—about 15 miles from Richmond. “Yep almost home. About 45 minutes or so.”
Being a Sunday afternoon, traffic was light, and we were making good time. We had so much fun on the cruise, but now that we were almost home, I just wanted to get there, unpack, and lay down in my own bed.
“Shit,” I said louder than I meant to. My low fuel light came on. Other cars might be able to push 40 miles on fumes, but not the van.
“Oohh... Mommy said a bad word.”
“Are you serious? Carey be quiet,” I told him. “Got to stop and get gas guys. If you need to go to the bathroom, might as well do it.”
We pulled off at the next exit and stopped at a rather shady-looking Exxon.
“I am not going potty here, Mommy,” Maggie said. I didn’t blame her.
“Do you need to go?” Sam asked her.
She was doing the potty dance and just nodded. He took her hand and told me they would run across the street to the Burger King. I waved them on and decided to just fill up. No sense stopping in another day or two, as I am sure I will be running around with the kids.
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