"Shh, shh, shh," he murmurs as I feel his large hands rubbing my back, pulling me tighter to him, "no need to cry." His voice is like a lullaby, soothing the sobs that were hidden in my chest for at least the moment. I could feel the stares of the other party goers around us, the heat from the bonfire still roaring and flowing around us. "Come on now, let’s go get cleaned up," he says, pulling me towards the milk house with Harlan and Kendall in tow.
I was in a sense of shock. Not only from the altercation with Holly, or Chad's fighting with Duke, but from the gloom that had settled in my heart for that split second before I had started to sob. I was going to have to let my heart walk away in a few days, the heart that I had my arm around his waist at this very moment and I had no idea whether or not he was going to come back.
But that was part of having a military man in your life, right?
This man of mine. This SEAL of mine.
As the water splashed around my face, burning into the slight cut above my lip, I locked this thought in my head: My man was going to try his hardest to get home, just like he was trying his hardest to protect me from the prick that was Duke Orr.
He was a strong man, a tough man and a rowdy redneck. And he was all mine.
CHAPTER NINE:
January 26, 2012
It was only four in the morning and we had just gotten home from Harlan's about three hours ago, but I couldn't sleep. We had showered and gone to bed, Chad falling fast asleep, but I had tossed and turned so I had reserved to get up and sit on the bay window bench that I still occupy. The street is dead like always accept for the stray cat that roams around, his orange and white fur standing out against the darkness, slinking under a car down the way. My head is pounding from all of the hair pulling that Holly had put me through and putting my fingers up to the corner of my lip I run them over the butterfly bandage, the smooth plastic keeping the small cut closed.
We were both probably going to have a couple of bruises when the sun comes up. Chad's being under his right eye and me on my lip and probably my chin, but I could care less about that right now. I wished that Holly would show up right now so I could pound the shit out of her without worrying about keeping Chad from killing Duke.
I let my head settle back against the window frame with a mild thud, my eyes closing with all of the emotion of the night running through me, my arms encircling my chest to hug myself. Chad had confessed that he would've killed Duke if Harlan hadn't stopped him, and it had made me tremble.
Duke had done this on purpose. He had riled Chad up, begging for a fight. My fists clench into my flannel pajama pants as I think about Duke and his arrogant face. The way he had sprayed dirt and gravel around Harlan's driveway as he had roared away, Jesse's Lexus on his heels. "Please let that asshole take some advice and leave me the hell alone," I whisper, my cheek up against the window pane causing it to fog with my breath.
Chad rumbled in his sleep, shifting from one of his sides to the other, his face towards me and I can't help but smirk to myself. I had fantasized about this man in every kind of way and there he was lying in a bed with his arm thrown over the spot where I had tried to sleep.
God, I was going to miss him when he was overseas, or wherever the hell he was going because he couldn't exactly tell us. My chest tightens at the mere split second thought of him leaving and I clutch at my ribbed tank top, seemingly pulling at my aching heart. What advice would Randy give me if he was alive? What advice would my mother give if she was still alive? Tears rim my lashes as I think about them. My mother would be so happy for me right now because she always knew how I felt about Chad and she had always said she prayed that we would find each other one day.
"Well today's that day ma," I whisper as a single tear slips down my right cheek. I can't help but let the idea that maybe me finally being officially with Chad would've brought my mom out of her emotional funk and depression. What I wouldn't give to talk face to face with her right now. What I wouldn't give to just see a small smile on her full, always red lips, or a glint in her pretty blue eyes. "Ugghhhh," I moan to myself, my head bouncing off the window pane as I let it roll back with my eyes closed.
"What's wrong babe," Chad's husky, sleep filled voice shakes me from my self-pity party and my eyes snap open, my hand wiping away the few tears that had slipped out. His hair was in a ponytail but it was all disheveled from sleep, his body bared to the waist where the sheets sat, his chest muscles flexing as he scratched his head. I can't help but smile at how silly he looks right now and he sees it, asking "What's so funny," in his scratchy voice.
I shake my head, moving silently from the window to kneel on the bed beside him, "You look so cute right now," I say, running my fingers along his jaw, scratching my index finger into his beard under his chin. His arms wrap around my waist and pull me into him, his warm chest scaring away all the goose-bumps that line my skin.
"I don't look cute," he smiles, kissing the tip of my nose, "I look manly," he says the last word in an exaggerated deep voice, puffing his chest out and flexing his arms against the bed making me giggle. His laugh rumbles through his chest as I lay my cheek near his heart and he pulls the sheets up around us as I'm splayed on his chest. "Please don't worry," he whispers as his fingers brush the hair from my cheeks and forehead and I can feel his hot breath on the top of my head.
"Let's not talk about that now," I say, resting my chin on his chest so I can see his face. He squeezes his chin down to his chest and smiles at me, making me giggle again lightly. I slide myself off of his chest and snuggle into his side as his arm wraps around my shoulder. "You still wanna go to the cemetery later today," I say, twirling my finger around his nipples, getting a shiver to rock through him and a pinch on my shoulder.
"If you wanna," he says, kissing my forehead, hugging me tight with his lips lingering there. I nod and he kisses me again, pulling the sheets up to our shoulders. I close my eyes, basking in the warmth and love of this man and I sigh, loudly, getting a chuckle from Chad. He hugs me tighter and I drift off to sleep just as the sunlight peeks over the horizon, my breathing even with Chad's heartbeat.
When I awoke the sun was beaming in through the window and the smell of coffee was drifting in through the cracked door. My phone tells me it's just after nine and I groan, throwing my head back against the pillow and covering my eyes with my hands. I feel emotionally and physically drained right now, but the thought of being with Chad over the next few days swings my feet from the bed and makes me sit up, scratching my head. I throw on my favorite jeans, thick socks, red tank and a long sleeve Virginia Tech hooded shirt, shuffling my way down the stairs.
"Mornin' sleepy head," Chad smiles at me over his shoulder tending to the sizzling bacon in the pan on the stove in front of him. I just yawn and slap him on the butt as I scoot by, grabbing a mug and pouring myself some coffee. Standing by the glass sliding door I see that the grass is wet and still frosty in areas where the sun hasn't hit yet, the temperature gauge telling me its thirty-five degrees as I sip my coffee. "Figured we'll go to your mom and Randy's plots with some fake flowers, make it look good and then have a late lunch at the diner," he says in a questioning tone, raising an eyebrow at me as he cracks two eggs into the bacon grease.
"I have some flowers that will look good in my mom's craft cases," I nod my chin towards the spare bedroom down the hall where we had stored all of the things from my trailer and Chad smiles. My mom had been an avid crafter; knitting, painting, clothes making, decoupage, embroidery, and everything in between. I had an entire large plastic tote filled with plastic flowers and greens of all sorts and I know I can whip something up that would make her proud.
Our breakfast was pretty quiet and I know that seeing Randy's grave is going to be hard on Chad. They had been attached at the hip since they were seven, going everywhere with each other. Whenever one got in trouble the other fell into step so that the first wouldn't be lonely in their punishment. When their senior year of high school rolled around, Chad had already
decided to go into the Navy instead of college and Randy agreed, both of them saying that they'd go to college after. As we all well know, the lure of action and excitement drew them into the SEALs after they enlisted and the rest is history. Which is still unfolding.
Chad helped me as I made a few bunches of flowers to take to my family grave plot. Wrapping some green wire around the plastic stems, I tied together red roses, white lilies, pink carnations and baby's breath, fitting leaves into the empty looking spaces for my mother's grave. For Randy's I let Chad pull together an array of blue, red and white flowers, fitting small American flags into the bunch as I tied it all together. Setting the flowers in a small box on the coffee table I'm surprised when Chad's arms go around my waist, pulling me into his lap and his mouth brushing along the side of my neck.
"They'd love these," he whispers, kissing just below my ear and a shiver runs through my body, lightening striking my nerves.
"Yeah," I let out in a reply that I try not to fill with emotion, but it seeps out anyways, "they would like them."
It hasn't gotten much warmer and we're both sort of bundled up as we head out, getting in the cold truck and heading towards Spratley Cemetery, the cardboard box with flowers in my lap. My fingers tap nervously on the sides of the box as we get closer, my leg shaking making the box bounce lightly, jostling the flowers around. Chad's hand found my shoulder and his warmth found my skin even through my North Face fleece jacket. His light brown, graying hair was kept under the knit cap I had gotten him, the silver in his beard reflecting in the sun as his blue eyes watched me out of their corners. I try to smile at him as he turns the truck onto the long blacktop driveway leading up the slight hill, the archway stating that we were in the cemetery. Like I would forget.
Up and around to the left, Chad parks just under a large, sprawling oak, it's branches spreading out and over the driveway and many of the surrounding headstones. There was snow on the ground here and there, but it was mostly bare as Chad held my hand as I led the way to the back right corner of the cemetery. There was a large red maple that marked our destination, it's looming branches guiding the way as we walked along the sidewalk, hand in hand, my head on his shoulder as he held the box under his arm. The maple's branches reached towards the sky like fingers and then out like opening wide for a hug from God, my mother's reddish-pink stone standing out like a sore thumb among the small pile of snow I spot beside it.
I can feel Chad's steps hesitate the tiniest amount as we get closer and I can see that his eyes are on the ground, watching his feet. I know he's trying to hold it in. Letting my hand fall from his I reach out for the box and take it from under his arm, his eyes never meeting mine, but I know he's trying to deal with the turmoil inside. Seeing Randy's headstone was making it all real to him again and I know how he was feeling. The tightness in my chest was almost earth shattering as I turned and faced the two headstones before me, nestled up against the roots of the maple above them.
"Hi Rand," I whisper, my eyes glistening as I look at my older brother's pure white, cross shaped headstone. The SEAL eagle and trident emblem caught the sun and the light danced off it as a tear slid down my cheek, my left hand running over the metal emblem, wiping the moisture from it. "Chad and I brought you these," I say, kneeling down and pushing the dead grass away from the green floral holder that was staked into the ground. Pushing the wired stems into the tube, I spread the blooms and flags out, making it take up a nice chunk of the right corner of the headstone, bringing some color to its surroundings. Randy was always a fan of color, wearing crazy graphic tees and hoodies when we were younger. The thought of him dressed in his crazy green Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle hoodie that had been his favorite when he was twelve and I was seven brings a smile to my face and I push some moss from his name.
Standing, the slight breeze makes me notice the wet spots on the knees of my jeans from the ground, but I ignore them, stepping over and kneeling before my mother's heart shaped stone. "Hi Mom," I whisper and the scratchiness finds my voice, the overwhelming emotion making my throat tighten. I run my hand over the reddish stone and its etched roses on the face, the tears streaming down my cheeks silently.
I can see Chad out of the corner of my left eye step up closer to Randy's headstone, placing his hand on the SEAL emblem on the top, his head down and his back to me. A almost silent mumbling makes it's way too me on the slight breeze and I can make out Chad's prayer. It makes my chest tighten.
Brushing some dead grass and branches from in front of her stone, I put the fake flowers in the green floral stake, spreading the blooms out I say, "I made you these, I think you'll like 'em." I take a ragged breath, wiping the tears from my cheeks with a shaky hand.
"So I finally did it ma. I finally told Chad that I love him, and guess what," I whisper ever so slightly and a smile breaks out on my face, "he loves me too." I let out a laughing sob, running my hand over the rough edge of the heart shaped stone as my smile turns to more tears, running down my cheeks and soaking into the collar of my fleece.
"I'm sorry mama. I'm sorry I couldn't be there more for you. I'm sorry I was at work when you needed me the most," a sob hits my chest and it feels like my heart is going to explode, "I'm sorry." I slouch down on the cold ground with my left shoulder against the reddish stone, my cheek resting on its edge. I cry for my mom and all the pain she had gone through in her life, from the abuse at the hands of my dirt bag dad to the death of Randy. I cry for all the pain she had felt.
I also cry for me. Yes it sounds selfish but at this moment but I realize that I need my mother. I need her to be there when I need some guidance, the way she always was before. I need her to hug me when I come home; I need her to kiss my cheek when I need some emotional support. I let the sobs roll through my chest because I haven't really cried for my mom. After the funeral I was too occupied with pushing the last six months of her depression from my life, purging my home of all it's remnants, but now, I mourn. I close my eyes tight to try and squeeze back the pain of missing my mom, but it seeps out along with the tears.
I feel Chad's warm arms snake around my waist, turning me to face him and I open my eyes. My heart breaks at the sight because his face is streaked with tears running down through his short beard. His blue eyes are rimmed with red and puffy as I imagine mine and I wrap my arms around his waist, slamming my head against his Carhart covered chest, his arms tightening around my back and shoulders. His cheek is against the top of my head and I can feel the tears meeting my hair as the sobs fill his chest, the sniffling of us both filling the silent area around us. We're on our knees; in between the two headstones embracing each other for only God knows how long, just crying into one another's shoulders and necks, exchanging sweet kisses every now and then.
"I'm sorry," Chad chokes out and his arms squeeze me tighter.
I rest my chin on his chest to look up at him, wiping at the wetness on my cheeks as he looks down at me, his face creased with pain and sadness. "It wasn't your fault," I say, my voice scratchy from the tears and sobs. With my hands on his chest I push myself away ever so slightly so that I can see him better.
His shoulders are slumped and his eyes are blood shot. I run my fingers over each of his cheeks, wiping away the stray moisture as he cups my cheek, running his thumb over the reddened flesh and over my lips lightly. "Randy loved you like a brother and he wouldn't have let you go out there by yourself. Plus he had his own reasons that neither of us will ever know and, well, we just have to hope that he's in a better place now." I try to give him a little smile but it's rimmed with tears as they slide down my cheeks.
Chad returns it with a small grin of his own, pulling me back into his chest. "Yeah he's prolly out on a little tin boat in the middle of a peaceful pond with his feet propped up, his floppy hat pulled down and a cooler of Buds sitting on his right." We both laugh because that is totally Randy. He loved fishing and he loved being out in nature. "Or maybe he's with your mama, hiking up a mountain in the beginning of fall, beca
use they both loved fall. Randy would tell me that fall was the best because of the colors that came out. And because he could still watch girls running around in short-shorts." We both laugh a little harder and I bury my face deeper into his jacket as his arms rub over my back.
"I just hope they're together," I say, my voice still edged with emotion. "Wherever they are I hope they're together and happy, enjoying each other's company and watching over you and me." I lift my chin up and look at him, his eyes finding me. My heart melts when he presses his lips lightly over mine, his facial hair tickling at my chin and upper lip. His hand finds my cheek and pulls me in to deepen the kiss and I don't refuse. I straighten my back and press my chest into his as his hand goes in my hair and I wrap my fingers around the back of his neck.
Pushing our foreheads together after breaking the kiss sweetly, his chest is heaving. "I love you Rhea," he says, his eyes locked onto mine.
I smile at him, kissing his cheek as I get to my feet and take his hand, "And I love you Chad." When he's on his feet, he wraps an arm around my shoulders and we just stand there, silently looking at the two headstones before us. This was my family. This was where they rested. Now I have the chance to make my own family and honor Randy and my mom’s memories. I was going to build it with this man right here, holding me. Picking up the now empty box, I squeeze Chad's hand, bumping my head into his shoulder as we turn to head back to the truck. "I'm glad we came."
Two Weeks With a SEAL (The Wakefield Romance Series) Page 13
