by Ivy Smoak
God. I looked down at my hands. The uneasy feeling in my stomach was gone. My heart palpitations were gone. All the fight in me had just drained away. "Well, thank you all for trying to help me. I really appreciate it..."
"Summer, we're not going to let anything happen to you," Eli said.
I stood up from my chair. "I'm tired. I think I'm going to call it a night." But I wasn't really tired. At least, not physically. Maybe I was tired of living, but I hated the idea of even thinking that. Really I was just lying. I needed to do something. Before it was too late. Before I ran out of time.
"Awesome," Liza said and closed her laptop. "So, are we all done here?"
V slammed his hand against the table. "No, we're not done! Sadie, you don't just get to give up when things get hard. That's not how this works. You can't quit right now. We're so close."
"I'm going to die before I ever fully understand any of this. And I can't die before I let the people I care about most know the truth. I just need to write..."
"You can't leave a paper trail," Liza quickly said. "Are you trying to get us all killed?"
"Fine. Liza, I appreciate your help. I'm glad you always told me the truth when no one else did. And that you gave us a perspective that this group so desperately needed. Because I'm just one person in this sea of people and no one...no one gives a shit about me."
"Summer..." Eli started.
"And Eli. I get that you think you know me. You think I'm some tortured girl that needs to be saved. I love that you want to save me. But honestly, I don't need to be saved. All I want is to be that kid again. A person that you never knew. But Don stole that from me and I'm never going to get it back. I'll never be the person I want to be because Summer Brooks is dead. She's gone. And I hate the tortured part of me the most. I hate that you fell in love with the worst side of me. I hate that it's tainted by pain." I wiped the tears off my cheeks. "But I so appreciate you. You deserve so much better than a small piece of me."
He parted his lips like he wanted to say something, but nothing came out.
"And you," I said and pointed at V. "I love you too."
"Sadie." He started walking toward me.
"But you don't want my love. You can't accept it because you don't love yourself. And I get that better than anyone. Because you're a reflection of me, right? I hate looking in the mirror. I hate what I've become. Stop."
He was standing right in front of me.
"You fell in love with the idea of me becoming something great. Becoming something better than whatever the hell I'm existing as now. You said you saw a light in me. But it's only darkness. I loved your hope. But it's wasted on me. Don't you see that? You fell in love with a piece of me that will never come to fruition."
V put his hands on my shoulders.
I ignored the feeling of my pain being taken away. I wanted the pain tonight. I pushed his hands away. "You don't get to decide how I deal with my own fate. None of you do." I took a few steps away from him, breathing easier the farther away I got. "So thank you for helping me." I opened up the door to my room. "I meant what I said. But you don't get to tell me how to spend my last night." I stepped into my room. "You don't get to tell me to keep living when none of you know my full story. You have no idea how hard it is to breathe. You have no idea how many nights I'd fall asleep and pray I wouldn't wake up. You don't know me."
None of them said a word.
I closed the door and locked it. "Athena, lights on," I whispered.
She didn't reply.
I pressed my back against the door and slid down until my butt hit the floor. "Athena, lights on," I said through my sobs.
Nothing.
I didn't question her decision to not speak to me. I was mad at myself too. Or maybe she just realized that my soul was so dark that I wouldn't be able to see the light.
Chapter 33
Wednesday
I stared down at the words I had written. I could barely see them through the small amount of light streaming underneath the door. There was no right way to describe what had happened. No right way to make it better. I had already hurt him and I had no idea how to fix it.
I crumpled up the piece of paper and tossed it into the trash before pulling my knees up to my chest. Eli was going to be fine. V was going to be fine. They had both only known me for a short period of time. But Miles? That was different. I couldn't put words to it.
Or maybe that wasn't the problem. Maybe I had too many words. I picked my notebook back up and started writing again.
Miles,
I fell in love with you the first time I ever saw you. It didn't even feel like a choice. I honestly couldn't help falling in love with you. And a part of me has always believed it was because we were written in the stars.
That night in your tree house when you took my hand, I thought it was the best night of my life. But life is such a fleeting thing. You can have your whole life in front of you one second, and then it can be taken away in a flash. But I always had you. I needed you after my parents died and you were my one constant.
Until suddenly you weren't. For years, I felt so alone. You hurt me. So I know I hurt you too. And for that, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I disappeared. I'm sorry you couldn't find me. But it wasn't my choice. I never wanted to disappear. I never stopped wanting to be found. I never stopped needing you, Miles. That was the whole problem. I needed you more than ever and it felt like you didn't need me.
My love for you mixed with hate. I still loved you, but I fucking hated you too. I hated you for abandoning me. I hated you for forgetting about what we were. But I understand now. I'm sorry about the years apart. I'm sorry if you ever felt cut as deep as I did. And I'm sorry if your life stopped like mine.
I lived with a monster. And I became one too. I was torn between wanting you to find me and wanting you to never see what I had become. The truth is, I'm not the girl you remember. The years changed me more than you could ever know. And I don't want you to know what happened. I don't want you to dig. I don't want you to get hurt more than I've already hurt you. Summer Brooks is dead. It's important that you understand that.
But you've always seen me. You saw through my disguise right away at the diner. I had never heard anything as sweet as my name on your lips. And I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. I got mixed up in something bigger than you and me.
I just need you to know that I don't forgive you. Because you never did anything wrong, so you don't need my forgiveness. And you deserve everything I could never give you. Live your life for me. Just because I don't get any more heartbeats doesn't mean your heart has to stop beating too. Live the life I couldn't.
And if a part of you still remembers me when you look at the stars, let it be the smallest part. Let it be the smallest constellation in the sky on a late night in September. And let it slowly fade away as the seasons change.
I looked down at the letter. I didn't know how to sign it. I wasn't Summer Brooks. And I wasn't Sadie Davis. I lifted my pen back up and wrote Sagitta at the bottom. It made sense. My heart wasn't racing. I wasn't jittery. I didn't feel like fighting. But there was one resounding feeling. It felt like my whole body was on fire. And all the stars in the sky were blazing. I'd become a distant memory. Maybe I'd live forever in Miles' mind as a ball of flames in the sky. There was something comforting about the fact that I'd never really extinguish.
A knock on the door made me jump. I quickly tore the sheet out of my notebook, stuffed the paper in an envelope, and slid it into my backpack.
"Can I come in?" V said from the other side.
He didn't sound angry anymore. But I didn't want to see him. I felt like I had already said my goodbyes. I kept my mouth shut, hoping he'd think I was asleep.
He sighed and his feet shuffled. The light diminished in the room as he sat down on the other side of the door. "You can't give up, Sadie." He whispered it, like he really believed I was sleeping. "I need more time."
I bit the inside of my lip. More time for what? He wa
sn't the one who was going to die tomorrow or the next day. He wasn't the one running out of time.
"You're stronger than you realize," he whispered. "You're made of steel, remember?"
I heard something slide across the wooden floor. Even without the small amount of light filtering into the room, I would have known what it was as soon as I reached out and touched it. My pendant. My fingers tightened around it. Why did he have my pendant? I quickly stood up and opened the door.
V fell backwards into the room. He groaned but then a smile spread onto his face. "I knew you were awake."
"V, why did you have this?" I held out the pendant by the chain.
He sat back up and just stared at me.
"V."
"It was on your neck that night when I found that man assaulting you. Your shirt was torn. It was clearly visible."
"So you stole it from me?"
"I took it so that no one would recognize you. So that no one else would put the pieces together."
I swallowed hard. "You mean Miles?" I remembered being at the hospital. I was worried he'd be able to see the pendant through my hospital gown. For some reason, I found myself sinking down onto the floor beside V.
"Anyone, Sadie. Wearing that was putting you in unnecessary risk."
"How do you know that? How do you know what this means to me?"
"I didn't. It looked old. I assumed it was from your past..."
"Stop lying to me. Eli was watching me before I got here. Were you watching me too?" I didn't even wait for a response. "How long have you been watching me?!"
"I didn't..."
I pushed his shoulder. "How long have you been watching me, V?"
"It wasn't like that. I've read your files. I found you here."
"Why were you looking for me? What am I to you?"
"Everything!" His voice echoed around in the small room. "Everything," he said a little gentler.
It wasn't the first time he had said something like that to me. "This is everything to me," I said, holding up my hand. "Why did you keep it from me?"
A strained laugh fell from his lips. "That means everything to you? Really? You could have fooled me."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It's a trinket. It has no value. It's nothing. I'm a living, breathing person, Sadie. You put more value on that piece of shit than you do on me."
"That isn't true."
"You just said it was everything. Everything. It's a fucking object, Sadie."
"It's not the object itself. It's the meaning behind it." I could feel the tears starting to well in my eyes. What did he want me to say?
"And what is that? What is the meaning that is so important to you?"
My lip was trembling. "I don't understand what you want from me."
"I want you to tell me the truth!" His voice cracked. "We weren't supposed to run out of time." He was breaking in front of me. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. We need more time."
I was watching him fall apart and there was only one thing I could do. He was always there to catch me when I fell. I needed to be there for him too. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around him.
His body was stiff, but he slowly relaxed into me as he rested his chin on my shoulder.
The strangest feeling washed over me. It somehow felt like we had come so far even though we hadn't known each other that long. I let him pull me onto his lap and hold me even tighter.
"Just tell me you won't let go," he whispered into my ear. "Tell me you're not giving up."
I was done lying. I would never tell someone I was okay when I wasn't again. White lies were sometimes the most painful to tell. So instead of answering his question, I pulled his head away from my shoulder and held both sides of his face in my hands. "When I'm wearing it, it feels like I'm not alone. That's why it's important."
"Who gave it to you?"
"Miles." The m in his name used to tickle my lips when I was young. I felt it now. Like a small trace of my past creeping up to me. I pressed my lips together.
He nodded, making my hands fall from his face. "So when you wear it you feel close to Miles?"
"When I was little that was all it was. A way to be close to my friend. But as the years wore on and I lost touch with him, it became something more than that. It makes me feel close to my parents. And my grandmother. It reminds me of my past. It reminds me of what it was like to be happy."
He sighed and his warm breath hit my face. "We need more time." He pressed his forehead against mine. "We're so close."
"I think that's the problem with time. You don't realize how fast it goes by until you're about to run out of it."
Chapter 34
Thursday
I woke up alone in my bed. The last thing I remembered from the previous night was being in V's arms. On the floor. He must have put me on the bed after I fell asleep.
I took a deep breath. I had an aunt I never knew about. My babysitter from when I was a little kid was missing. And Don was out there, still trying his best to ruin my life. Or end it. I shoved the covers off of myself.
Today could be it. My whole life could culminate in this one moment. My stomach growled. Eating would be a good start. I couldn't brush aside the eerie feeling that this might be my last meal as I made my way out of the room.
"Good, you're up," V said.
I turned toward him. He was sitting at the table rummaging through papers that were scattered everywhere.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"We're playing up the new angle."
"The angle of Sadie Davis being my aunt? I hate to break it to you, but it's not a new angle. She's been my aunt the whole time I've been alive. She's just decided not to be a part of my life. That's not going to change today."
"Well, we think it might. Especially if you hit a nerve. If we can get the two of you close enough to talk, you can ask her about what happened that day in the woods. You can get her talking about where she disappeared to. We might be able to piece together some things with a little more information."
I walked over to him. "Maybe we should just have a really fun day. Like, I don't know...sky diving or something."
V looked up from his notes. "No."
"You're going to deny a dying girl's last wish?"
"You're not dying."
I sighed. It was odd that he was the one in denial and not me. "V..."
"And I can think of a million better things to do than that," he said and stood up. "Your breakfast is in the oven. Eat it and then we'll go set our trap." He pushed the papers into a sloppy pile. "We're meeting everyone in half an hour."
"I don't get a say in this at all?"
"If it was your last day, you would. But it's not, Sadie. Not even close." He grabbed the papers off the table. "And besides, we're a group. We decided with a majority vote that this was the best course of action."
"You didn't even ask me."
"Three to one vote. Half an hour, Sadie." He walked away from me, disappearing into the room I had never been in.
Talking to my aunt wasn't going to save me. The only thing that would save me was putting a bullet in Don's skull.
***
"This isn't going to work," I said.
Eli's fingers tightened around mine. "It's worth a shot."
"I don't have anything to say to her."
"What if Don was holding her against her will for all those years everyone thought she was dead? If she lived with him, she might know his weaknesses."
"Weaknesses?" I almost laughed. Don didn't have any weaknesses. "I lived with him for a long time and couldn't tell you a single one. If that's the information you're looking for, you're not going to get it."
"But you were just a kid. You could have missed something."
"I grew up pretty fast, Eli."
"I know. I'm sorry." He gave my hand a gentle squeeze. A beeping noise sounded through the hallway and Eli touched something on the side of his watch. "Class is going to let out in a few minute
s. Hopefully she'll be early and we can do this fast before anyone sees."
I let him guide me through the hall of the building where I'd normally have class. I hadn't attended. This was all for show. Sadie Davis always seemed to know where I was. And she was always waiting for me to spot her in the crowd before she disappeared. It wouldn't be the first time she had appeared after one of my classes.
As we stepped outside, Eli dropped my hand. He went left and I went right. I had turned right out of this building dozens of times before. I glanced around. Sadie Davis wasn't in my line of sight. I squinted up at the building where V was supposed to be. There was a glint of his arrow in the sun, but anyone else would have missed it. I only recognized it because I knew he was there.
This is a terrible idea. I quickened my pace. The sooner I got to my mark, the sooner this whole thing would be over. Sadie Davis appearing made me stop in my tracks. She looked frazzled today, like she had gotten fashion advice from Liza. Her hair was unruly and her shirt was hanging off one shoulder.
A smile spread on her face as she lifted up one finger. Liza's words from last night came back to me. Was it three-two-one-go? Or was this it? The way she was smiling made it seem like this was the grand finale. I thought everything was supposed to slow down when you were about to die. But it felt like everything was speeding up. I saw Eli running up behind her.
"Can we talk?" I said, taking another step forward.
She shook her head and then turned around. She stopped when she saw Eli running toward her and turned back to me. Her eyes grew wide, like a caged animals'.
"I just want to talk," I said. "Please. I know who you are."
She ran to the side, off the path and screamed when an arrow landed in the grass in front of her feet. "You don't know what you're doing," she mumbled as she stepped backwards.
"You're my only family," I said. "Please, why are you doing this?"
"You don't know what you're doing," Sadie Davis repeated. "You don't know what you're doing." She sounded like a broken record as she backed up and collided right into Liza's hand.
