by Ivy Smoak
"So you didn't think it was a good idea to mention that this whole countdown was leading up to the anniversary of your parents' deaths?" Liza said.
I didn't bother turning around to face her. "I didn't remember the day," I whispered.
"How could you not remember? You go around acting like it was the end of your life. If it was really that big of a deal how could you just forget?"
"I didn't forget." I'd never forget that night.
"Obviously you did or we would have known all along that tomorrow was your last day and..."
"I blocked it out, okay!?" I whipped around. "Don't you have something to do besides berate me?"
"What? Go follow a lead? We have nothing, Summer."
"Jane said that William Crawford was best friends with Don Roberts. Can't we use that to figure out who he actually is and find him? Maybe he is on our side. Maybe he can help us."
"Right, let me just pull up my best friend database," she said and rolled her eyes. "That information is useless. They were friends twenty years ago. It means nothing. What we need is a DNA sample to help us." She looked at me.
"You think he's my father?"
"I don't know. We could run it for a partial match. Jane said something about it being too late and that it was written in your blood. Maybe she's talking about the fact that you're related to Mr. Crawford."
It was crazy how much information you could get from a small sample of DNA. I lightly touched my wrist. My foundation had just been rocked. Not that I truly believed everything Jane had said. My mother was good. She was kind. But Jane's words stung. What if my mother wasn't who I thought she was? What if my father wasn't my father at all? "Can you really get that information from my blood?"
"It's not as good as a fingerprint for what I want to do, but it's something," Liza said.
"Oh my God." A light seemed to just go off in my head. "Holy shit." I started to walk past her. I felt so stupid. After getting the DNA sample from Heart of Darkness I should have put it together days ago.
"What?" she said as she watched me. "What's going on?"
I went into my bedroom and opened up my duffel bag. The copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was sitting there. I walked back out and held it up. "Mr. Crawford put this book in my suitcase. He had to have touched it."
"Okay. And you're touching it now..."
"Sorry." I dropped it on the table in front of her. "But there's also a sticky note." I grabbed a pen and lifted the cover page, turning to the front page where my father had inscribed it. Mr. Crawford's post-it note was stuck on top of the inscription. I tried not to think about the fact that he had covered up my father's words with his own. "You can run it for prints."
"Have you touched that too?"
"Yeah, but so did he. And he touched the book too. Surely you can get a print."
"I'll definitely try. But, Summer, that's not going to tell us if you're related to Mr. Crawford."
I nodded. "I don't want to know." If I was going to die tomorrow, I'd die knowing who my parents were. My memory was all I had left. I didn't want to tarnish that.
"We might still need a blood sample if this doesn't work."
"Okay. Work on the print first. I'll be back soon."
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Do you really care?" My words sounded harsh, but it was true. Liza and I were working toward a common goal, but we weren't friends. I was pretty sure she hated me.
She shrugged her shoulders. "V will want to know when he gets back."
Right. And you don't want to let him down. My next words weren't going to help with that, though. "I'm going to go talk to Miles."
"You can't do that. We all agreed..."
"It's my last night," I said firmly. "I'm not going to tell him anything. I just need to see him." I thought about the letter sitting in my backpack. I didn't know exactly what I was going to do yet, but I did need to see him. One last time. "It's not like I'm going to die tonight," I said and laughed awkwardly.
"Well, we won't know for sure until I run this." She turned back to the book. "Jane could have been lying about everything."
Maybe. But the lump in my throat really made it seem like Jane was telling the truth.
Chapter 36
Thursday
I touched my Sagitta pendant in my pocket. I had kept it there since V had given it back to me. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to put it back around my neck. It was almost like V handing it to me had taken away part of what made it special. It was a gift from Miles to me. I had put a chain on it and worn it around my neck because that's where it belonged. Next to where my heart beat.
And now it was almost done beating. My fingers tightened around the pendant. So why couldn't I put it back on? Was it because I didn't know if it belonged there anymore? I had feelings for V and Eli. But if I was being honest with myself, it wasn't the same way I felt about Miles. I didn't feel bad about that, though. I couldn't. What was the point of regretting my feelings when my whole life was a series of regrets? I didn't have the strength to feel any worse.
But I did feel guilty for a different reason. Miles deserved to know the truth. By this time tomorrow he would. By this time tomorrow it would also be too late. I let go of the pendant and let it settle back in my pocket. Tomorrow Miles would know and my guilt wouldn't be so heavy. I'd be able to put the necklace back on and I'd be wearing it when my heart stopped beating. No matter what. It belonged next to my heart.
It was possible that my parents' whole relationship was a lie. Which meant the only thing I knew for sure was that Miles loved me. And I loved him. That was it. Jane was wrong. True love did exist. My new appearance hadn't changed anything. We were drawn to each other just like we had been when we were kids.
I looked up at my dorm building. I still didn't know what I was going to do. It wouldn't be easy to slide the letter under his door and walk away, but it might be for the best. Luckily, I had time to decide because I had written a letter to Kins too, thanking her for being such a good roommate. I waved my access card against the scanner and the doors clicked open.
Recently I had taken the stairs. But tonight I felt weak. I wasn't sure if I could climb that many stories. So I hit the button for the elevator. I was relieved to see that no one else was in it when the doors dinged open.
I stepped off the elevator and the hallway was empty. It was past 9 o'clock on a Thursday. Students were probably out getting wasted, doing normal college things. I made my way down the hall and stopped outside of my room. There was no reason to knock. Kins wasn't there. She spent all her time with Patrick. I knew what young love was like. It was supposed to be all-encompassing. I leaned down and slid my letter to her under the door.
The hallway was still empty as I approached Miles' door. I looked down at the letter in my hand. I loved him. I couldn't tell him who I was right now. But I could show him. A letter wasn't enough. I definitely needed to show him. I needed him to know. I knocked on his door.
But there was no answer.
I knocked again. Please, Miles. I need you.
But he wasn't there.
I looked back down at the letter in my hands. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be. I thought about his hand in mine in his tree house. And his lips brushing against mine on my grandmother's roof. And our kiss in Central Park. I wiped a tear from beneath my eye. No. None of this was how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to live happily ever after.
I leaned down and slid the letter under his door. It seemed harsh to end it with a letter. But our letters were what had torn us apart in the first place. I wished I had never stopped writing to him. I wished I had never let my heart fill with hate. I knocked one more time even though I knew it was useless. I pressed my palm against the door and then I walked away.
At first I felt numb. But then it felt like I couldn't breathe. I touched the pendant in my pocket, but it didn't calm me down. I was falling. And no one was there to catch me. I took a huge gulp of air. I n
eeded the stars. I fucking hated this city. I needed to scream at the top of my lungs. I needed to touch the sky.
I opened up the door to the stairs. I knew I wouldn't be able to get up on the roof like Miles had that night. He had a key. But I needed to try. I couldn't breathe. I was running out of heartbeats. I was running out of breaths. I was running out of reasons to keep living.
When I reached the top I jiggled the handle of the door. It was locked. No. I pounded my hand against the door. Someone help me. Please. I pounded my hand against the door again. I was going to run out of time in this dingy stairwell.
But then there was a clicking noise and the door opened. And he was there. And the fresh air filled my lungs. Or maybe it was just the sight of him that made me feel like I could breathe again. "Miles."
He smiled out of the corner of his mouth. "Sadie."
I stepped onto the roof and stared at him. For some reason, I thought I was imagining him. It wouldn't be the first time. I used to dream of him all the time. But this wasn't a dream. His presence calmed me like only he could. His body radiated warmth. He smelled like home. He was everything to me. I swallowed hard. I thought I needed the stars, but that wasn't true. I needed him. And that damn smile.
I grabbed the front of his t-shirt, stood on my tiptoes, and kissed him. I think that maybe my heart started beating when I met him. He might be the only thing that kept it going all these years. And kissing him jumpstarted it again. I needed him to understand that. A letter wasn't enough. It would never be enough.
And I knew he felt it too. He moved forward, pressing my back against the door, sandwiching me in place. He made the ticking in my head slow. But it was still there. I was still running out of time. I needed more.
I ran my fingers down the front of shirt to the waistline of his pants.
"Sadie," he groaned. "The last time we kissed, you freaked out and ran away."
I undid the button of his jeans and slowly unzipped them.
"We should slow down." He grabbed my hand and lifted it away from him.
But that wasn't going to stop me. "I don't want to slow down, Miles. I want you."
"You can't just keep showing up and pretending everything is okay." His Adam's apple slowly rose and fell as he stared down at me.
"I'm not pretending." I swallowed hard. He already felt my distance. He could feel my lies. Could he feel me slipping away?
"Jesus, you're crying."
Before I could reach down to wipe my tears, he pulled back and lightly brushed my tears away with his thumbs. There was something so intimate about the action. It made my tears run faster.
"Talk to me," he said. "Tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong. I..."
"Sadie." He lowered his eyebrows slightly. "Talk to me. Please. Let me in."
I wanted to. I wanted to be able to tell him everything. He deserved that. "I don't want to talk," I said instead. I wanted to show him how I felt. I tilted my hips slightly so I'd rub against his erection. He said he wanted to go slow, but he was rock hard. He wanted this too.
"Fuck." He grabbed both sides of my face, but didn't pull away from me. "I told you that you weren't like other girls. This isn't about sex for me. Please tell me why you're crying. Please talk to me. I care about you." He wiped my tears away with his thumbs again.
Before I could stop myself, I said the one thing I could say without telling him the whole truth. "I'm in love with you, Miles. I've been in love with you ever since I met you. And no matter how hard I try, I can't stay away from you. It's like I'm magnetized to you." I realized I was holding a fistful of his shirt, keeping him in place. A part of me was terrified that he was going to run away. I needed him to stay for just a few minutes so that I could keep breathing. "It's like you said. It's easier to breathe when we're together."
"Sadie..."
"It's okay." I felt my heart sinking. I quickly shook my head. I didn't really expect him to say it back. He had already told me he still loved Summer Brooks. He didn't know it was me. He couldn't know. But I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved. I couldn't remember. I wanted to remember before I died. "You don't have to say it back. I just...that's why I was crying. Because my feelings for you are all consuming. And for one night I just want to know what it feels like to be loved back. Maybe you could pretend that it's you and me written in the stars? For just one night?"
"Haven't you been listening to me?" He smiled out of the corner of his mouth. "I don't need to pretend with you, Sadie Davis."
I imagined him saying Summer Brooks as I breathed in his exhales.
"I've never pretended with you," he said against my lips.
"Then show me what it feels like to be alive." I grabbed the back of his head and kissed him again. My whole world was suddenly in color once more. I clung to him because I needed him to remind me what it felt like to love. To live. To remember a time when we made sense. When I was in his arms, I was complete. There was no ticking clock. There was no sense of doom. I was at peace. Screw what anyone else thought. True love did exist. This was our own twisted love story. And I wasn't going to let it end before discovering everything it could have been.
I swore I heard him groan when my hands wandered beneath his shirt, exploring his chiseled abs. And I know I moaned when his palms slid against my skin, pushing my shirt up. I tilted my head back as he kissed the side of my neck. This was how it was always meant to be. Him and me beneath the stars.
He pushed my shirt up past my ribs and I lifted my arms in the air as he slowly peeled the fabric away. He made short work of my bra too. I knew he was experienced. But to me, it almost felt like he knew we were running out of time too. And that this was our last chance to be together.
"God you're beautiful." He grabbed my ass and lifted my legs around his waist. I breathed in his familiar scent. The only smell in the world that made me feel content. I let the smell consume me as he lowered me onto the cold roof of the building.
"We can go back to my room if..."
"No." I grabbed both sides of his face. "I've never been so close to touching the sky."
He didn't tell me I was crazy. He didn't say he didn't know how to fly. Instead, he leaned down and kissed the inside of my ankle.
God.
He left a trail of soft kisses up the inside of shin and thigh. And then he moved to my other ankle and made his torturous ascent.
"Miles," I panted, catching both sides of his face when he reached the top of my thigh. His eyes landed on my breasts.
My chest rose and fell because of him. I didn't have to say that. He felt it too, right? He had to. It had always been us. His fingers slowly unzipped my jean shorts. I lifted my hips so he could lower my shorts and thong down my thighs. Slowly. So fucking slowly.
"Miles, please."
He placed his hands on the insides of my thighs, slowly spreading them apart. His thumbs traced gentle circles at the apex of my thighs. "I feel like I've been waiting to taste you my whole life."
I knew what he meant. He just didn't realize how true what he said was. I closed my eyes when he thrust his tongue deep inside of me. And I saw the stars brighter than I ever did with my eyes open. He devoured me like he was starving. Like I was the only thing that could possibly sustain him. Maybe I was. Because he certainly was the only thing that could sustain me.
My hips rose to meet him, but he pushed me back down with his strong hands, holding me in place. He rubbed his nose against my clit and the most perfect feeling overcame me.
"Miles!" My eyes fluttered open and I stared at the stars as I shattered into a million pieces. I squinted and saw Sagitta. I saw our constellation. And I knew what it was like to fly. I knew what it was like for my body to be worshipped. I knew what it was like to be truly loved. If I died right now, I'd die happy.
But then my eyes met his. And just from his gaze I knew it was going to get even better. I watched him wipe his mouth with the back of his hand as he knelt before me. He grabbed his t-shirt by the na
pe of its collar and started to pull it off over his head.
He had the body of soccer player. Lean, toned muscles. Skin tanned from the sun. When he removed his shirt completely, I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing. There it was. The tattoo that Kins so desperately wanted to see. The one that couldn't be seen in any of his pictures. But it wasn't for her or for anyone else's eyes. I reached out and ran my index finger along the small arrow tattooed on his left peck. Sagitta. It was for me. Because he wanted me close to his heart. Just like I had worn my pendant close to my heart all these years. We belonged next to each other's heartbeats.
I pressed my palm against his tattoo. I could feel his heart beating against my hand. I had been waiting my whole life for this moment. The past didn't matter. The future didn't matter. It was just this moment. This one perfect moment we had carved out in time. "Make love to me, Miles," I whispered.
He leaned forward, placing his hands on the ground on either side of my face. He kissed my forehead and the tip of my nose before brushing his lips against mine. He kept one hand by my head as the other trailed down my body. Down my collarbone, over my right breast, down my torso, until he found my hip. "You're perfect."
I'm not. If only you knew.
"You." His kissed the bottom of my chin. "Are." He kissed my clavicle. "Perfect," he repeated, as if he could read my thoughts.
I quickly blinked away the tears in my eyes. He always had been able to read my thoughts. And he knew I needed him too. Because he thrust inside of me harder than I expected.
There was no hesitancy. No questions. We belonged together. That was clear as day. And God did he feel amazing. There was no better feeling in the world than coming together with your destiny. We always had been written in the stars.
He slowed his pace, and it somehow filled me even more.
Jesus. I arched my back, giving him full access to my body. His lips encircled my nipple and he gently bit down.
I wasn't going to be able to take this for long. I hadn't even come down from my high from earlier and I was already about to let go again. Nothing had ever felt this amazing. Nothing had ever felt this right.
