Stealing a glance at him from under my brow, my anger quickly returned. He’d gone back to leaning his head against the rear window, eyes closed. He wasn’t even registering my super pout.
Sighing rather loudly didn’t register, nothing, not even an eyelid flicker. The man was insufferable.
“Why are you living with your uncle?” I asked. The words had left my mouth before I could stop them. Not the first time that has happened.
He leaned forward then shifted to look at me shrugging his shoulders.
“I turned eighteen. The law said I didn’t have to live with my mom anymore. She asked me to leave. So I left. Simple as that.”
Somehow I knew it wasn’t that simple. His face had scrunched up in pain as if someone had stabbed him in the heart. For the first time in my life, I was quiet. Afraid if I said anything he’d back off and refuse to open up. I knew he needed too. Deep down I knew that Johnny needed someone to talk to. A friend who wasn’t going to judge. I think he knew it too.
Biting my lip I looked at him, raising one eyebrow - a trick he’d taught me in third grade - silently begging for him to tell me the rest.
Sighing heavily he stared out the front window and grabbed the steering wheel, holding on for dear life.
“Do you know what the worst sound in the world is?” He asked.
I paused for a moment trying to figure out what he meant then said, “Sure, the sound of your car scrunching into a fallen tree.”
He laughed. I think he appreciated my attempt to lighten things but then once again he drifted off into a world I could not go.
“No,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “The worst sound in the world is when you are eleven, six months after your father has been killed and hearing your mother in her bedroom with another man.”
My hand flew to my mouth as I tried to trap a gasp before it could escape. I totally failed.
“Believe me, in a tin can trailer it can get pretty loud.” He glanced at me and gave me a weak smile. “It tears a boy’s soul into little pieces that can never be put back together again. I felt like I was betraying my dad by letting it go on. I didn’t really understand, but I knew it was wrong. I was angry at my mom, hated her in fact. The only person in my world and she didn’t care.”
He was gripping the steering wheel so tightly I thought he was going to break it in two.
“Every night for weeks I had to listen to them. He wasn’t anything like my dad. I’d rush through breakfast so I didn’t have to see him in the morning. He was old and greasy with a missing front tooth.”
I couldn’t believe it. How could his mom do that to him? How could any mother put her own temporary pleasure ahead of her child’s? I didn’t understand. Was this why he was so angry. Had he been carrying this around inside of him all this time? Eating away at him.
“I’ll remember that shit eating smile of his for the rest of my life,” he said, looking at me as if waiting for my judgment.
Reaching over I gently touched his shoulder and said, “I’m sorry. That must have been rough.” I knew as soon as I said it that it was totally inadequate but I also think it was what he needed to hear.
“After about a month, he left to be replaced a few weeks later by some new guy. After a while, they sort of all combined into one.”
I held perfectly still while he talked. Afraid if I moved a muscle he would clam up. I knew he needed to get this out. Needed to tell someone. Someone who could share his pain.
“Dad had left us some life insurance. Not a lot, but enough. He was smart, though. He knew Mom. He’d made sure it was paid out in quarterly installments. She used to bitch about it all the time. She’d drink her way through the insurance check then bitch when there wasn’t any more left.
The first couple of years were hard, but I finally figured out to make sure we laid in enough food to last for three months. Lots of canned goods, enough spaghetti to feed a small army. I ragged on her to make sure the bills were paid. The power got turned off a couple of times and I threatened to go to social services if she didn’t, at least pay the electricity bill.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said again. My heart was breaking for him. I could imagine the pain he must have been in. Johnny had always been a proud boy. The shame of it must have torn him apart.
I remembered the little boy being led from our class. The weak smile he’d given me as if he knew his life was about to turn into a nightmare.
Taking a deep breath, he shrugged his shoulders. “Anyway, I learned to control my anger. At least most of the time. That fight the first week of high school. It was the son of one of my mother’s many boyfriends. He said something about the two of them. Trying to be funny but failing miserably. I sort of lost it. Everything turned red and I exploded.”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
He looked at me like I was an idiot who didn’t understand the way the world works. Putting that aside I decided not to press him on the point.
“I remember that fight. That was the first time I’d seen you since fifth grade.”
“I know, I saw you there before it all happened. I think the idea of you finding out the truth scared me more than anything in the world. I couldn’t stand the idea of you knowing. I had to shut him up. I had to shut them all up.”
“You knew I was there?”
“Amber,” he said with surprise. “I know whenever you’re within a hundred feet of me. I’ve always known.”
I melted. Right there, right then, everything made sense and my world came together, finally. He hadn’t hated me. He avoided me because he didn’t want me to know about his family. His stupid, silly pride wouldn’t let him talk to me. I was angry and loved him for it at the same time.
Big bad Johnny Benson, every girl’s dream, and every guy’s nightmare cared what I thought of him. Was terrified that I would reject him because of his family. It was enough to break a girl in two.
A simple tear fell from my eye and rolled down my cheek as I slid across the seat to him. His arms sort of spread wide and I scooted in next to him to give him a bone crushing hug. You stupid, stupid boy, I thought as a million gallons of adrenalin surged through my body. I buried my head into his shoulder and smiled. It all made sense now. If you knew John, it made total and complete sense.
“I understand,” I mumbled into his jacket.
His arms wrapped around me and squeezed me tight. Pulling me into a world of comfort and warmth that felt so right. I belonged here I realized. This is my place and I’d never let go.
.o0o.
John
My world had come very close to collapsing on itself. Those few seconds when she didn’t say anything. Sat there, mouth open, eyes wide, as if she’d been turned to stone. That brief moment my world had rested on an edge. Ready to tip either way.
Then she hugged me and said she understood. It was as if someone had unlocked a heavy chain from around my neck, setting me free, allowing me to breathe for the first time in seven years.
Wrapping my arm around her shoulder, I pulled her in close. Accepting the strength she gave so freely.
“I’ve missed you,” I said.
She stiffened for a moment then said. “I’ve missed you, too. More than you will ever know.”
With those simple, easy words we were alright. It was as if the past had melted away.
She felt soft and strong, her body fit next to me as if it had been designed to be there. Her hair smelled of vanilla, not the cookie vanilla but the sexy vanilla. The kind that made you think of starry nights and being alone with each other. It didn’t matter where. Just that you were together. I could get lost in that smell for the rest of my life.
We sat there for several minutes, neither of us needing to talk, enjoying the feeling of being together. That awkward silence had long since disappeared. Why hadn’t I done this sooner?
Sighing to myself I kissed the top of her head and mumbled, “I’m sorry.”
She squeezed me, not saying anythin
g, her head buried in my chest. I could stay like this forever. The feeling of protectiveness and I’ll admit possessiveness, was almost overwhelming. This was what life was supposed to feel like. Content, happy, a sense that the world was good and worth enjoying.
Chapter Five
Amber
I was pretty sure my chest was going to explode but I didn’t care. Not now, not in John’s arms.
John’s arms – Oh my god, what was I thinking? I had absolutely no idea if he even wanted me there. What was he thinking about? - Great, another woman, one of many. – Or, I wish she’d leave me alone. First, she pried my deepest darkest secret from me then jumps on me like a scared porcupine.
Pulling back I looked up into his deep, clear blue eyes trying to get a read on him. I was embarrassed about attacking him like that. Thank god it was too dark to see me blush.
“Why is your face red? Are you okay?” he asked.
Now it was official, I was too embarrassed to live. Bringing my hands to my cheeks I turned away. “I’m a little warm,” I said.
“Well I’m cold, come here,” he said as he gently pulled me next to him.
My breath hitched, he did want me next to him. Or was he simply cold and wanted to share the blanket. Even worse, was this some kind of move? A golden opportunity with a girl alone in his truck.
The black night surrounded us, reminding me how alone we were. The wind had disappeared to be replaced by a heavy silence that seemed to swallow every noise. The only sound was the thump of my heart pounding in my chest. I shivered and bit my lip, afraid to talk.
“You’re cold too,” he said as he tucked the blanket around us.
I’m not cold you idiot, I’m scared because I’m afraid you’re going to try something. And I was scared about how much I was hoping he would. This was John Benson after all. The boy who’d filled my fantasies for years. The boy every girl in my school wanted. And if the rumors were true, a lot had had.
Luckily I’d kept my mouth shut and that thought hadn’t been spoken aloud.
Sitting next to him I held my breath, waiting, worried how I would react. But no, not John Benson, not with me. With me, he has to be a perfect gentleman. A chivalrous knight in shining armor. Where was the bad boy when I needed him?
Sighing to myself, I accepted that he didn’t think of me that way. Probably never would. Instead, we sat there and talked, me curled up next to him, his arm around my shoulder. Both of us under the woolen blanket. Cozy, warm, and talking!
John Benson turned out to be the same boy I remembered. Funny, sweet, smart, and as always, mouthwatering handsome. We talked a little about the past but he didn’t seem to want to go there so I shifted the topic to the future. Our dreams and hopes.
He told me about how much he loved being a mechanic and hoped to own his own shop someday. I told him about wanting to become a microbiologist. Doing medical research. About being accepted to the University of Washington.
My breath hitched when I thought about me going away in the fall. For the first time, I would be leaving something behind. I worried about how different we were and what he could ever see in me that might make him interested. Interested in the way I wanted him Interested.
Get a grip Amber, I reminded myself. This is John Benson we are talking about.
We talked and talked, laughed, and shared.
After a long silence, he said. “If you want, you can go to sleep. I’ll make sure everything is okay. And I promise not to laugh if you snore.”
“I don’t snore,” I answered, offended that he could even think l did.
He laughed.
I ignored him. Determined to help him stay awake. Besides, there was no chance I was letting him hear me snore or worse, see me drool. I shuddered thinking about it.
The long slow night crept along. It was one of the best times of my life and I wanted it to never end. As we watched the darkness began to lighten, the snow slowed then stopped and a milky morning greeted us.
The tree laying across the road was finally revealed as a long, thick giant that would have swallowed us whole if John hadn’t been able to control the truck. My stomach tightened up remembering my own crash.
The tall pines standing sentinel along the road were covered in a thick blanket. The forest floor and the road itself hid beneath a white covering that smoothed out all the world’s blemishes.
It was pristine and I was being held by John Benson. The world was perfect. I leaned back and looked at him. I wanted to tell him how much this all meant to me. Finding him again, being rescued by him. Watching over me through the long night.
But my mind became lost as our eyes locked. It was as if the perfectly spotless world disappeared and it was only the two of us. We stared into each other’s eyes and sent a dozen messages back and forth. Wanting, needing, happiness, wonder, and love. And not friend love, more, deeper, a love with an intensity that I’d never known could exist.
It was too much, we came together, our lips meeting, devouring each other. All I could think about was John, wanting him, needing him, loving him. His arms came around my back and held me tight. Mine snaked up and behind his neck pulling him to me.
The heat instantly jumped to furnace levels. Yes, this is what I wanted, yes this was so right, so excellent. I could tell he wanted me too, this wasn’t some friendly caress. Not a hesitant exploration. This kiss was an elimination of our pasts and a start to a beautiful future.
My new wonderful world was interrupted by a distant beeping sound that somehow worked its way into my conscious. John pulled back making me feel as if I’d lost a piece of my soul. What was that sound and how dare it interrupt us.
A menagerie of blinking yellow lights accompanied by that darn beeping sound had arrived on the other side of our tree.
“It’s the road crew,” John said, instantly jumping out of the truck.
My heart stopped as my world came back to reality. My happiness was instantly replaced by a deep, bone-shaking fear. What did this mean for John and I. We really hadn’t had a chance to talk things through. We’d talked about everything under the sun, but not this, us.
That kiss changed things. At least, it did for me. What about him?
I watched him make his way through the branches and reach the men on the other side. He pointed back down the road and then back at me and his truck. Obviously telling him about how we got trapped here.
The workman nodded his head. Wrote something down and passed it to a buddy then started up a chainsaw to attack the obstacle in front of him.
John hurried back pushing through snow almost up to his knees. He smiled at me as he stepped into the truck.
“They’ll have us out in a few minutes,” he said. “I told them to have their dispatcher call your mom and to send a tow truck for your car. They’ll take it to E.J.’s. I’ll make sure you get a good price on repairs. He’s pretty good.”
I had to fight to not let my mouth fall open like a hooked trout. Just like that. Everything wrapped up and taken care of. So that’s how we were going to treat that soul-shattering kiss. Ignore it, pretend like it never happened.
A burning anger began to build inside of me. John was like that, always ignoring his emotions. Keep moving on.
I, on the other hand, wanted to know where we stood. What did it mean? If anything? Had it just been another opportunity to make out with a girl? Was I one more on a long list?
I moved back to my corner of the truck and folded my hands across my chest. The more time I spent around John, the better I was getting at sulking.
We sat there in silence, watching the men remove the limbs then cut the trunk into two feet pieces. Within thirty minutes we were out and on the cleared road to home.
“I’ve got to stop and get gas then we’ll get you home,” John said as he concentrated on the road in front of him.
“Thanks, that would be great,” I said. All the time my insides were turning over. Was he in a rush to get rid of me? Did I kiss that bad? What was goin
g on?
As I watched him fill his truck with gas I thought back over the night. How scared I had been until he’d shown up to rescue me. How hard it had been for him to tell me his story. How he had fought to stay awake all night. Getting out to check the exhaust every hour.
My anger seeped away. I couldn’t stay mad. He didn’t have to say sorry, there was nothing to be sorry about. We talked, we kissed, no big deal. Don’t make it bigger than it was Amber. You are not the center of the universe. Not everything is about you. Something my mother did not hesitate to remind me of.
As he pulled into our driveway, my tummy tightened up into a ball. I was so nervous. Not about my mom but about saying goodbye. Would this be the last time I saw him? Would we go back to ignoring each other? My soul wanted so much more.
My mom flew out of our front door and raced towards me. Pulling me into a tight hug, tears streaming down her face. Threatening to freeze in place in the cold air.
“Are you all right?” she asked. “Where have you been? Where’s your car?”
“I’m all right mom. I promise.” She looked into my eyes to see if I was lying or not. Twisting to the side, she looked at John who had gotten out his side and came around the front of the truck. Her eyes got as big as watermelons when she saw him.
Glancing back at me her brow narrowed and I knew that I was going to get a thousand questions later but at least she held back in front of John.
“I told them to take her car to E.J.’s garage over on Third Street. I hope that’s all right. I’ll make sure he gives you a good deal. We do good work I promise.”
Mom could only stare and nod. She looked back and forth between us her eyes appraising John, taking in his obviously handsome looks, that scruffy beard, those killer blue eyes, and wide shoulders. She turned and looking at me a little differently. I think this was the first time she’d really thought of me as a grown woman. Someone who might attract a man like John Benson.
First Love Page 8
