First Love

by G. L. Snodgrass

  My heart sank. It was all coming to an end. Not only the night, but our life together. Our youth, everything.

  Pushing away a feeling of despair, I nodded and got up before he could pull my chair back.

  “Should we tell the others goodbye?” I asked.

  Grant shrugged his shoulders. “We’ll see them on Monday at the game. It is not like this is forever.”

  My insides tightened up. But it is, I wanted to tell him. This is the end. Everything after this point was going to be different. Wisely though, I kept my mouth shut and allowed him to escort me out of the room.

  Cindy Lu’s snake-like stare followed us all the way from across the room. Several people frowned when they saw us leaving early, others gave their friends knowing winks. Probably assuming we were headed to a room upstairs.

  Oh, how wrong could they be, and oh how I wished we were.

  I shivered as we stepped out into the cool night air. Grant immediately removed his suit jacket and slipped it over my shoulders. I smiled a quick thank you as I instinctively pulled it tight and buried my nose in his lapel.

  The warm jacket made me feel special, taken care of. A feeling I wanted to hold onto forever.

  Holding the car door open, he held out his hand to help me in. I took it and looked up into his eyes so I could capture the memory forever. He gave my hand a quick squeeze then slowly walked around to his side of the car.

  What now? I wondered. Was this it? My special night was over. Why couldn’t the dance have been farther away, giving us more time together? Instead, five minutes later, he was pulling into his driveway and turning his car off.

  My stomach sank with a thousand regrets.

  I felt a strong wish to just sit there, to just be with him. Alone in the dark. Both of us dressed up, pretending to be adults. But he hurried around and opened my door. Was he in a rush? I wondered. Probably couldn’t wait to get rid of me.

  Holding his hand, I picked my way across the grass to my front porch. All the while, my mind was racing, trying desperately to come up with some way to make the night last. For I knew in the deepest part of my soul. Once I walked through those doors. I would never have a moment like this again.

  Stepping up onto our porch I turned to give him back his jacket and realized we were eye to eye.

  Grant frowned as he looked at me for a long moment then said. “You know. It wouldn’t be as true prom night unless we did one more thing.”

  “What’s that,” I asked as I scrambled to figure out what was going on.

  He smiled gently, then said, “This,” as he brought his lips to mine.

  I instantly froze, shocked beyond belief. This was so not what I expected. Grant kissing me. Then, my body reacted as if I had done this my entire life. Of their own accord, my hands slipped around his neck to pull him in closer.

  His arms wrapped themselves around my waist. All the while, our lips caressed and explored and my world exploded with sensations.

  Grant was kissing me. I was kissing Grant.

  He seemed to become lost for a moment, his tongue brushing my lips, begging to be given entry.

  Sighing heavily, I pressed myself against him, wanting, needing to be closer. It was greater than I had ever imagined. Every dream, every secret wish coming true.

  He shifted his hands lower and I moaned softly. The two of us lost in each other’s world.

  Then without warning, Grant stepped back, breaking the bond between us. My heart sank as I opened my eyes, desperately trying to understand what I had done wrong. He looked at me with shock and fear. His eyes were as big as hubcaps with a terrified expression. As if his worse fears had just come to life.

  He knows, I realized. He knows how I feel about him. How could he not? I’d practically melted in his arms. It was written all over his face, the realization that his best friend was in love with him.

  My mind exploded with embarrassment as my cheeks grew warmer than the mid-day sun.

  I’d ruined everything. All because I couldn’t control myself. Grant must think I was a complete idiot. How could I allow this to happen?

  His brow wrinkled in confusion and that was it for me. I couldn’t stand there and have him tell me that he just wanted to be friends. That he didn’t feel towards me what I felt towards him. No. I refused to let that happen.

  “Thank you for a wonderful evening,” I mumbled under my breath as I turned and hurried inside before he could say those immortal words, ‘I just want to be friends.’

  Chapter Nine

  Tara

  The next morning, I woke to a pain in my heart that threatened to never go away. Everything was finished. Grant either hated me for breaking our friendship or worse, thought I was a stupid girl who didn’t understand the realities of the situation. Just another in a long line of silly females.

  Turning on my side, I punched my pillow over and over.

  Why? Why? I kept asking myself. Why had I let him know? How much of an idiot could I be?

  That sick stomach feeling grabbed control of me. My mind whirled with all the ramifications. Grant wouldn’t want to hang out with me. He’d look at me with pity in his eyes and I would just die inside. Or worse, he’d tell everyone.

  Would he do that? Spread the news. Tara Pearson is in love with me. Can you believe it? What am I supposed to do, he’d say. I can’t even trust my best friend.

  All of it because I couldn’t stop myself from falling all over him. Couldn’t stop from kissing him like I wanted to drag him to my room and rip his clothes off.

  “Tara,” My mom called from downstairs. “We are going to be late.”

  Again, I died a little inside. Tryouts. How was I supposed to perform while my world was crashing down around me? And even if by some miracle I made the team. So what? I’d still die an old, unhappy spinster with a dozen cats.

  “Coming,” I yelled, just to stop her coming upstairs and storming into my bedroom.

  Sighing heavily, I forced myself out of bed and got ready. I couldn’t blow this off. Although, deep in my heart, every part of me wanted to crawl back into bed and hide under my covers for the rest of my life.

  “It’s about time,” Mom said as I came downstairs with my gear. “Here,” she said, shoving a plate of eggs and toast towards me.

  I tried eating, but my heart just wasn’t in it. Mom’s forehead creased with confusion. “You didn’t give me a chance to talk with you last night when you came home. How did it go?”

  “Fine,” l lied.

  Her brow didn’t soften, she knew I was lying, she always knew.

  “Did, Grant have a nice time?”

  Up until the last minute, I wanted to say. Up until I ruined everything.

  “Um um,” I responded around a bite of toast.

  She looked at me with sad eyes and slowly shook her head. Like I said, she always knew when I was lying.

  “Come on,” she said with a pretend chipper smile. “It’s your big day.”

  “You don’t have to drive me. I could just take the car and drive myself.”

  Her eyes grew very big. “If you think I am missing this then you are crazy.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. I hadn’t thought it would work but it was worth a try.

  “Do you want to get Grant? I’ll meet you at the car,” She said as she started rinsing my plate in the sink.

  My insides turned to half-set jello. “Um, he’s not coming. He’s got some stuff to do today.”

  Mom turned and the questioning frown had returned to her brow. She studied me for a second then nodded. “Okay then, let’s go.”

  As we walked outside, I shot Grant’s house a quick look, deathly afraid he might come out and try to talk or something. This was so not the right time for us to talk. Not with my mom there. Not just before I go to the most important event in my life.

  If you thought about it, there would never be a good time to talk about what fool I had made of myself.

  Hopefully, he would just let me slink off into obscu
rity for a while. Some place I could lick my wounds and slowly learn how to live again.

  “So are you nervous,” Mom asked as she pulled onto the freeway.

  I shrugged my shoulders.

  “Excited?” she asked.

  I shrugged my shoulders again.

  She sighed heavily. “Come on Tara, this is not like you. What is going on? Did something happen last night?”

  “Mom, I really don’t want to talk about it. I just want to focus on this tryout. I need to keep my mind centered on what is important.”

  She looked at me as if she didn’t believe me, but was kind enough to let it drop. We traveled the next hour in silence. I kept trying to go over the things Coach McCaffery had told me. Things I had learned over the years. But every time I did, my mind would be pulled back to that look on Grant’s face.

  The fear. Actually, more a look of pure terror. As if he had just seen something that would haunt him to his grave.

  When we pulled in just past the Huskie football stadium, My stomach dropped. This was for real. There was the campus, Lake Union just off in the distance. Then I saw the softball stadium. My mind froze for a second. This was big girl stuff.

  This wasn’t Grant and me playing in the backyard. This was a life-changing type thing.

  Mom parked then turned and smiled at me.

  “I’m proud of you,” she said. “So proud.”

  I swallowed hard. How was I going to do this? I couldn’t keep my mind focused. I just knew that I’d be in the middle of something important and Grant would pop into my head. I just knew it.

  No, I told myself. I wasn’t going to let Grant distract me. No, I wasn’t going to find an excuse to fail. At the end of the day. I had to know that I had done everything possible to make the team or I would never be able to live with myself.

  Gritting my teeth, I nodded to myself, pulled my cap down tight and said, “Let’s do this.”

  Mom nodded her concurrence.

  When we got to the field I was surprised to see only about two dozen other girls. I would have thought there would be more. Each of them looked serious, determined. Each of them looked like they wanted to grind me into the dirt if I got between them and an opportunity to play for the Washington Huskies.

  Most of them were dressed in uniforms from their home team. None of them were wearing raggedy sweats and old baseball T-shirts like me. My stomach fell when I realized just how out of place I was.

  “Is that Coach McCaffery?” Mom asked, pointing out a woman talking to some of the university coaches.

  “Yes,” I replied as the Coach waived me over.

  “I’ll meet you back here when its over,” Mom said as she reached in to give me a quick hug. “Good Luck honey, I know you can do this.”

  I hugged her back, took a deep breath and jogged over to see Coach McCaffery. She introduced me to the other coaches. I tried to smile, but really I don’t know if I did or not. A numb feeling had taken a hold of me. The incident with Grant the night before refused to go away.

  Would it ever go away, I wondered.

  Someone blew a whistle. They gathered us together. Told us what was going to happen then broke us into groups and started running us through drills.

  I noticed two other girls with catcher’s gear. My competition. But be careful, I reminded myself. I didn’t even know if they had a spot for a catcher. Let alone one who had never played organized softball. Do not get your hopes up, I told myself.

  A lesson, I had learned very well from the night before.

  After our warm-ups and timed sprints, I was told to put on my gear. As I snapped the shinguards in place, I realized that I hadn’t thought of Grant for a good ten minutes. Unfortunately, once I thought about him I couldn’t get him out of my mind.

  What would he think about all of this? What did he think of me? Was he mad at me? Disappointed?

  When I crouched down behind the plate, I fought to put him aside but failed miserably.

  As the coach threw me a pitch I wondered what Grant was doing right then. Was he out practicing with the guys? Was he mad that we had left without him? Or happy that he could avoid me for a while?

  The ball snapped into my glove and I tossed it back.

  Grant threw harder, I thought.

  The next one hit a foot in front of the plate, I shifted and caught the bounce on my chest protector, stopping it from getting behind me.

  Grant’s pitches bounced higher. Something to remember.

  For the next ten minutes, the pitcher threw everything she had, bouncing balls in the dirt. Tossing them high, or to the side. Making me shift and move with each one. I caught them without any problem. Or blocked them if they were in the dirt. Hey, I’d been catching Grant for years. This stuff was not that different.

  I wondered about the upcoming baseball draft and where Grant would get selected. Would the signing bonus be so big he couldn’t ignore it? And if so, what team?

  The next pitch smacked the back of my glove with a resounding snap.

  “Okay,” the coach with a clipboard said. “Next.”

  I jogged off and looked up into the stands. Mom was up behind third base. But that wasn’t who I was looking for. A part of me wanted Grant to be there. Wanted him to see me doing this. I might not make the team, but I could hold my own with these girls.

  A few minutes later, one of the coaches told me to grab a helmet and get in the batter’s box.

  “Okay, this is it,” I mumbled under my breath I said as I retrieved my bat and made my way to the box.

  Grant should be here, I thought to myself. He should see this. An anger began to build inside of me. It wasn’t fair. Why had I ruined everything the night before this? Why couldn’t I have waited a few days?

  The first pitch came in straight and over the plate, I swung and missed by a good half foot.

  NO! I thought as I cringed internally.

  One of the coaches shot another coach a look. Like who forced her on us. They must think I am a complete idiot, I thought. Grant would have shaken his head and given me that look. The one that let me know he thought I could do better.

  Pounding the bat on the plate, I adjusted my grip and shot the next pitch into left field for a solid single.

  Okay, that was better, I thought. Use that anger, I told myself.

  The next one dipped but I adjusted and launched it over the left field fence.

  Grant would have liked that one I thought as I tapped the plate again, silently telling the pitcher to hurry up.

  She frowned and retrieved another ball from a bucket, pounding it into her glove before winding up and hurling it towards me.

  Again, I put it over the fence.

  Now several of the coaches were watching me. I ignored them and focused on making contact. Sprinkling hits across the field.

  God, I wish Grant could see this. I mean, it wasn’t super great, I only got those first two over the fence, the rest would have been singles and doubles.

  One of the coaches held up his hand, stopping things for a second, so they could bring another pitcher in. She shot me a pissed off glare as she wound up and let the ball fly.

  I parked it over the center fielder’s head.

  Was this how Grant felt when he played in a game That smooth satisfying feeling when bat met ball in just the right spot. So perfect I didn’t even feel it in my hands.

  “Okay, next,” one of the coaches yelled.

  I sighed and stepped out of the batter’s box. As I made my way to the sideline, several of the girls looked at me like I was gum stuck to their shoe. I just ignored them. Why should I care, I’d never see them again. Besides I had bigger problems to worry about.

  What was I going to say the next time I saw Grant? I mean I couldn’t avoid him for the rest of my life. At least I was pretty sure I couldn’t.

  Maybe if I pretended nothing happened, he’d be sweet and pretend he hadn’t been offended and we could pretend to be best friends again. If we did it long enough, maybe
it would become true again.

  Or, I could just beg his forgiveness. Tell him, it wasn’t real. I was already over him.

  How would he react?

  Another whistle and we were running bases, sliding into second. Then they had some of us hit for a second time.

  I peppered a few hits then one of the coaches called me over. Looking down at her clipboard she frowned and slowly shook her head.

  “You’ve never played softball before?”

  “No. Just baseball,” I answered.

  Her lips pursed as she thought things. While she was thinking, my mind wandered off to think about Jenny and Jenkins and the fact that I would never have what they had.

  “Okay,” the coach said, interrupting my daydream. “Well, we will let you know.”

  I continued to frown. “Is that it?” I asked. “Are we done.”

  She smiled and nodded. “For today. We will let you know, either way.”

  My insides turned over. God, I wished Grant was there to help me figure it all out. But he wasn’t there. For all practical purposes, he was no longer my best friend. No longer the one person I could turn to.

  Thanking the coach I gathered my gear and looked up into the stands. Mom had left already and was probably waiting in the car. I knew she would tell me I did great. Like I said, it was a Mom rule.

  It was Grant I needed though. He would have told me the truth. Even though I had hidden my feelings from him. Betrayed him in a way. I could still have trusted him to tell me the truth.

  Chapter Ten

  Tara

  As I gathered my gear I stopped for a moment and looked out over the field. The green grass seemd to shimmer in the soft summer heat. That warm smell of a baseball field sank into my soul as I took a deep breath.

  Remember this, I told myself. No matter what, you had this moment. It was at that moment that I realized just how important this had become. I no longer had Grant. Or any chance of ever getting Grant. All I had to look forward to was maybe playing ball for the University of Washington.

  Sighing heavily, I finished getting my stuff and headed out to the parking lot. I’d barely cleared the fence when my stomach clenched up. Mom’s car was gone.