“But...how did you get here, dear?” Louella had asked, concerned.
“When me mammy was out in the hallway nattering away to some strange woman, I got up on a chair and pried open one of them gratings what be's in the wall of the cabin. Took me down a metal tunnel of sorts, so it did. It was dead exciting. I saw wee animals scurrying before me, and could see into all the cabins I passed. Some things I saw I know I'm too young to see. I understand them peculiar spots on the sheets now. It was wile fun, but. And then I came to here. The grating on this wall was hanging half off. And I saw I would be alone, as there doesn't be anyone in here. I bumped me arm when I jumped down. Dead sore it was a few days ago. It be's getting better, but.”
“A few days? How long have you been here?” Slim had asked, alarmed.
“I haven't a clue. It be's dark all the time.”
“How are you eating? Or...are you eating?”
This question of Louella's had seemed to annoy the girl.
“Nosy aul parker!” she repeated.
“If you don't tell me, we're taking you with us to find your mother!”
Slim had looked at Louella sideways. It seemed she was now less concerned and, indeed, more a nosy parker. The girl bared her little teeth, then heaved a sigh. She seemed too exhausted to argue, which seemed to be her default setting.
“If ye must know...At night, when there be's nobody in the hallways, I go out and rummage through the rubbish bins. I found all sorts to eat. Bits of pizza and what have you, some mingin aul sweeties, but when I unwrapped them they looked and tasted like new. Some aul crisps I unearthed and all, but they was just ready salted. That doesn't even be a flavor. Now clear on outta here and leave me be, hi. What does youse be doing here, anyroad? Passengers doesn't be allowed here. Unless they be's dead. I seen what be's in them boxes.”
“We're looking for the doctor's office,” Slim had said.
“Two doors down, it be's. Maybe youse need an eye doctor and all.”
“Are you sure you're alright?” Louella had asked. “Your arm, it—”
“Aye!” the girl snapped. “Clear on outta here or I'll be telling the staff ye touched me private parts!”
Slim had been taken aback. He had grabbed Louella's wrist and guided her towards the door.
“Come on, Lou. Let's get out of here.”
Louella had seemed reluctant, but finally turned. They had closed the door and made their way past the Mountain Climbing Room.
“That girl,” Louella had mused. “Why haven't her parents put out an alert for her? It shouldn't be too difficult to search the entire ship. What sort of irresponsible people would let...?”
She had shaken her head, anger and disgust at parental sloth on her face. They had found the dispensary and entered gladly.
“She sounded like...Ursula,” Louella said once the door closed behind them.
Ping! The elevator door opened before them. Inside, Louella looked at Slim expectantly.
“What about you and your secret paramour, your floozie?” she demanded to know. “What have you been up to with Ursula?”
“Did your neck turn you paranoid? I don't know what you're—” Slim gripped his side, where there was nothing. “Lou! Where are my hot sauce samples?”
“Don't try to change the subject! When did it start? Tell me now, Slim!”
“But, Lou! I had to sign all sorts of waivers and disclaimers or whatever to get them released into the general public. Some of those hot sauces are almost lethal. Amateurs can't handle them. They can only be sampled with a trained professional at their side. Me.”
She beat with her little fists on the panorama of his shoulders.
“Open your wallet! Open it!” Louella shrieked.
“Ow! Watch my back! I don't know what you're talking about! Your brain ain't working right!”
Her little fists fell to her sides. Her eyes behind the owl-spectacles welled with tears. A finger slipped underneath the bright red frame to wipe them away. The glasses perched sideways on her face as her body was wracked with sobs. It was the longest elevator ride of Slim's life.
“Open your wallet,” Louella sniveled. “And I'll show you the proof I found.”
Slim felt like a fool, pandering to the deranged whims of a madwoman. But, groaning as a twinge of pain shuddered up his back, he reached around to the dorsal side of his mass and tugged out his wallet. He wiped the grime off it and handed it over.
Ping! Slim escaped through the opening doors. Louella was hot on his heels. Slim took and step, yelped, and smacked into the wall.
“Ow! I keep putting my foot down where I think the floor is, but it keeps moving! This damn ship!”
She wrenched the wallet from him, dug into the depths and tore out the damning photo.
“There!” she said triumphantly. “I got ya, you cheating good-for-nothing! You got this picture of her staring at you, lips all puckered and ready for action. And you must keep it in your wallet all the time. I can tell it's been handled plenty of times. It's almost falling apart. I'm afraid to think of what you were doing while you were fingering it. There! I told you! I got proof!”
The surprise on Slim's perspiring face turned to hilarity. His head tilted slightly backwards on the folds of his neck flab, his version of throwing his head back, and he roared with laughter.
“You gotta be kidding! Oh, Lou! Lou!”
His laughter echoed down the hall. Louella's head shot around in anger.
“Shh!” she warned, still clinging the photo between fingers that were now configured into a less confident grip. It almost fluttered to the carpet. “What's gotten into you? What's in those pills the doctor gave you?”
“Lou, Lou, Lou...!”
As he wiped the tears, these of laughter, from his eyes, he approached her, arms outstretched. Louella backed into the fire extinguisher, uncertain.
“Back off!” she warned.
“Oh, chipmunk!”
“That's the name you used with her!” But he did seem to use it with any female.
“Take a look at that photo again.”
Louella did with great reluctance. The sight of Ursula's pursed lips, the come-hither invitation in her eyes, made Louella's stomach churn.
“Look on the wall. In the background. Next to the tv.”
She did.
“What am I looking at? The tail of a fish?”
“Not the tail of a fish! The tail of the fish!”
Louella suddenly understood. Now she felt like a damn fool. She handed the wallet back to her husband and, embarrassed, the photo.
“I plumb forgot all about that fish of yours,” she said. “The 50-pound tiger muskellunge, the muskie, you caught in Lake Winnebago back in '84. You loved that fish. Loved it so much you had it stuffed and mounted. And then it started to rot on the wall.”
“And we had to throw it out.”
Louella remembered his tears at the time.
“And all I have left is this photo, and even then only of its tail. It was the only photo I had of my baby left. It was a damn shame I had to look at Ursula's face every time I wanted to see the muskie again, so I folded it over. You see the crease here on the photo?”
Louella didn't even have to look. That fish had been Slim's pride and joy. He had spoken of nothing but for three years. And after they had had to dispose of it, bury its stuffed carcass in the back garden next to the hydrangea, at times she felt she was competing with the ghost of the fish, the memory of it, for Slim's affection. That had taken a few years to pass.
Slim giggled. It was a startling noise coming from a man his size.
“Me and Ursula? You gotta be joking!”
Husband and wife shared an embrace against the fissure in the wall that was leaking water. And then they held hands as they walked down the hallway together, Louella's head resting against some part of Slim's body.
“Why's my back wet?” Slim wondered.
“Hey, Slim, we gotta sign up for the Titanic Lifeboat Jamboree. It'
s tomorrow at two. The prize is ten percent off our next cruise.”
“You think I'm gonna go on another one of these?”
“That doesn't matter. Don't you see, we'll still have won the ten percent off.”
The look Slim gave her told her he didn't see, but it didn't matter. Her mind was set.
“Where did you hear about this?”
“There was a poster in the elevator. Didn't you see it?”
“In the ele—just now, you mean?”
“Sure.”
“But how did you have time to read...” He didn't finish. He knew how. Her eyes could zone in on the words “ten percent off” from fifty yards away. “What's it all about anyway? This lifeboat jamboree?”
“I don't know, but they want teams of four. Me, you, Ursula and Jed. That's four.”
Slim knew this without doing the math. He rubbed her left shoulder. She nuzzled against his chins. They reached their cabin. Slim unlocked the door and they stepped inside.
CHAPTER 27
FIONNUALA RAPPED ON the door; she knew that's what you should do before entering the boss' office; she had seen it in many films on the telly about people whose jobs were in multinational corporations, and EconoLux was a multinational corporation.
“Who is it?” Yootha called from inside. To Fionnuala, her voice was a brain-burrowing irritant. But she would use her best acting skills to suck up to the woman. She used them often when nattering across the clothesline in the back garden to the neighbors on either side, none of whom she could stomach much.
Fionnuala smoothed down her smock, adjusted the angle of her nametag, ran fingers through her ponytails and called out in a reedy voice: “Mrs. Fionnuala Flood.”
“Come in.”
As she entered the office, Fionnuala couldn't help blurting out: “That vicious wee shite only did it to provoke a reaction outta me!”
Heads shot up all around. The remnants of her family, traitors Paddy and Dymphna, were clustered around Yootha's desk. Paddy avoided her eye. The infants were gurgling in their stroller by the shredder. A gorgeous young man, but foreign—Fionnuala could tell from his skin, which looked like it had come from the womb needing a good scrub—stood beside the coffee machine, a swanky cappuccino one.
Yootha, hair like a tiki lampshade, inspected the new arrival over the pince-nez balanced on the bridge of her nose. She was a woman static cling seemed to love. Her fingers clamped around a pen. It advertised Viagra.
“What is the meaning of that bizarre outburst?” Yootha demanded. Her eyes were far from sparkling.
From the look Dymphna was shooting her mother, Fionnuala knew they hadn't peeped a word about the missing Siofra. Relieved, she took mincing little steps towards the desk where Gestapowoman was holding court.
“Erm, nothing...ma'am,” Fionnuala said with a halting curtsey before the 'in' basket. “Ye don't mind me calling ye 'ma'am,' do ye, ma'am?”
“You weren't referring to some dereliction of duty, were you?”
“No, ma'am. Forget me outburst. I hadn't a clue what I was saying. Am I right in thinking ye summoned me and me family to yer office here? I'm terrible sorry for me tardiness, but I only caught word of it a few minutes ago. In fact, I had to finish off me duties after coming back on the ship. As ye well know.”
Yootha looked at her watch.
“You seem to have overspent your time on Morocco. Insubordination cannot be tolerated. I gave the staff shore leave out of the kindness of my heart, as a reward for jobs well done. I don't expect to have my generosity thrown back in my face.”
“And terrible grateful the lot of us be's and all for yer kind heart. Doesn't that be the God's honest truth, Paddy? Dymphna?” While their heads bobbed as a unit, Paddy and Dymphna stole glances at Fionnuala, wondering why her face looked so disfigured. Then they realized she had unleashed her smile. A smile as fake as the hue of her hair. Sucking up to Yootha as best she could. “I lost me way. Stuck in the mazes of one of their godless houses of God, so I was.”
“Regardless.” Yootha waved an irritated hand. “I've just explained to your family why I asked you to meet me. As you are probably aware, this is meant to be a Titanic centennial anniversary cruise—”
“41°43'57'' North, 49°56'49'' West!” Fionnuala barked. They all stared at her. “Them be's the numbers where the Titanic went down. The numbers that surround the earth, like.”
And she struggled to remember her children's names!
Fionnuala's voice rang out, a woman confident: “The ship itself, I'll have ye know, ma'am, was constructed down the road from us, at the Harland and Wolff shipyard in Belfast. I take it as a source of personal pride that the film be's one of the most successful of all time. And that's why I'm so chuffed to be part of this celebratory cruise.”
'Down the road,' when in reality it took her two hours by bus, usually with rave music blaring and no shock absorbers.
“Although nowadays, the sweat of manual laborers in Belfast is all but forgotten, and all the glory be's focused on them in Southampton what sent the ship on her way.”
“I've a limited supply of interest in the minutia of the Titanic,” Yootha revealed, “and that supply has just been depleted. I was just explaining to your husband and daughter and, er, the other, that tomorrow's Titanic activity has failed to capture the paying passengers' imaginations. It's called the Titanic Lifeboat Jamboree,” her eyes rolled in all manner of ways, “though, personally, I think Lifeboat Free-For-All might be more apt. I wasn't in charge of arranging the activities, and more's the pity. We had planned on five teams to compete at the very least, but only three have signed up. There might be a late entry or two tomorrow on the day of, but we have to prepare. More teams is better than too few. Hence your family.”
Dymphna bubbled with excitement, her hands performing little claps, her breasts jiggling. The filthy foreign beast next to the coffee machine bobbed his head as he followed their journey through space.
“We've been chosen, Mammy!”
“At random,” Yootha shot back.
“And what does this lifeboat thingy be all about?”
“I've already told the others. Have them fill you in. You were late. I don't want to repeat myself.” She was a dour woman of few words, none of them nice.
“And what's yer man in the corner there doing here? He doesn't belong to wer family, so he doesn't.”
“It's Fabrizio, Mammy,” Dymphna said proudly.
“Hello,” Fabrizio said, with a little bow.
“So I gathered. Doesn't answer me question, but.”
“Your daughter has apparently brought him along for moral support.”
“But now,” Dymphna piped in, “it's wicked he came with us, as we were one person down for wer team. He can be the fourth.”
“Wicked, aye.” Fionnuala perched herself on the edge of Yootha's desk and widened her creepy smile, to the woman's extreme alarm. “Will ye be there, ma'am, cheering us on, as representatives of EconoLux, like?”
“I'll have to miss it. I'll be preparing myself to dine at Captain Hoe's table later.”
Fionnuala squirmed with excitement. So Yootha would have a front seat as Ursula swanned up to the table, groaning under the weight of the stolen jewelry.
“Have ye heard anything about all them gems what be's missing from the cabins?” Fionnuala asked eagerly. “Terrible alarming, so it is. Has any resurfaced, like?”
Yootha inspected her with her eyes.
“Please remove yourself from my desk.”
Fionnuala's eyes glinted with rage, blood flooded the corpuscles of her face, but still the smile remained plastered on her face as her limbs gawkily sought to remove themselves from the horizontal surface with a shred of dignity. The ship hit a sudden wave, and Fionnuala's rump popped from the desk. She clawed the air before splatting on the floor. She sat there, legs akimbo, for a few seconds, shooting daggers at anyone who might have the nerve to laugh at her misfortune. She dragged herself up and ran her fingers thr
ough her ponytail with as much dignity as she could muster. She smiled.
There was no reaction from Yootha. It was as if, to her, this was the normal way a ship would behave.
“If that's all?” The way Yootha said it, they were being dismissed. She wanted them out of her office. “There's a peculiar...odor rising from those infants. If you could wheel them out of here please and take yourselves with them?”
This seemed to anger Paddy. He cleared his throat and took a tentative step towards her desk.
“I've a few questions for ye there,” he said.
A slew of breath exited Yootha's mouth. Her eyes flashed with irritation.
“Yes?” It was pure ice.
“The weather be's getting worse every day we travel, and the boat be's terrible bumpy. And all them blackouts and whatnot. I fear for me safety and that of me family. Are ye sure we'll come to no harm on this boat? And wer hours of work be's terrible long. I no longer have the strength to put the tin opener to work most shifts.”
Fionnuala regarded her husband in wonder. He was never one for standing up for himself or the family, especially to a figure of authority, but she was more than delighted to sit back and let him do all the angry bits for once. He probably knew she was going to claw the face off of him the moment they left the office for abandoning her in Morocco, and wanted to score some points with her beforehand to weaken the attack. Or maybe it was a rare attempt to show he was a man in front of the obvious masculinity that was Fabrizio. In that case, it was a lost cause; now that Dymphna's breasts were stagnant, the hunk seemed interested only in the buttons of the coffee machine. Yootha's eyes, though, widened with surprise, then glinted angrily.
“I've also a limited supply of sympathy,” she said stiffly, rifling through papers that looked like their personal files. “From what I've read, you were given complimentary passage on this ship, and I've just now invited you to participate in one of the activities. Ungrateful springs to mind.”
The Irish Lottery Series Box Set (1-3) Page 85
