by Ford, Mia
“So, what do we do?” I ask in a muffled tone through my arms. “How can we make this okay?”
“I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking that I need to get her some help. Like, proper medical professional help, but I don’t know how to approach the subject with her, I don’t know how she’ll take it.”
I have had this image of Savannah in my brain for a decade. She’s the carefree, fun loving girl whose friendship I cherished, who I enjoyed being with so much that I rapidly fell in love with her. I guess I thought I would still find that now, but she’s broken, shattered, fallen to bits. I want to piece her back together but I can’t do it alone.
“Okay, well just know that I’m here.” I force my eyes up to meet hers. “I’m here to help you with whatever. If you want me to be there while you tell her then I will. I just want her to be well again.”
Pippa reaches her hand out to touch mine and she gives me a grateful smile. “Thank you, Jayden. You’re a good guy. I wish… well, I don’t want to say anything too much but I wish things were different.”
I nod slowly. “Yeah, me too. You have no idea how much.”
We share a sorrowful look, thinking about everything that lies ahead. It definitely isn’t going to be an easy road, I don’t know how the hell we’re going to be about it, but at least I’m not alone in this now. There’s more than one person who cares about Savannah, so it should be fine.
Should be.
“I bet you’re wishing that you never came back now, aren’t you?”
“Actually, I’m glad. I don’t want Savannah to ever think she’s alone.”
I just wish I had her son too, I feel like that’s the only thing that would really make her happy.
11
Savannah
I don’t know how long I’ve slept, definitely for a few days, but I don’t have the energy to get up, I can just about make it to the bathroom, and occasionally Pippa will make me eat, but that’s about it. I’m hopeless, there’s nothing left inside of me, I’ve become a hollow mess. The day I lost Peter, I lost everything. My life as I knew it, my marriage which even when it wasn’t at its best, was solid, and now my husband.
There isn’t any turning back from what’s happened. I don’t think we can get it back now. The more I think about it, the harder it is to imagine going back into that home. I can’t be near him ever again.
I need to get up soon, I tell myself as my sticky face molds deeper into the pillow. I think the material is a part of my face now. I’m going to have to get up and start some sort of life again. Whatever I choose to do…
But it’s just so overwhelming, I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to get over this deep ache in my body to get myself standing upright. I’m not sure how I’ll ever live again. The fact that Jayden hasn’t gotten in touch with me, as far as I know anyway, speaks volumes. If he can’t find Peter then no one can. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept that he isn’t around anymore, but I’ll have to know that he can’t be found.
I can’t accept that. I don’t think any mother would be able to. My life isn’t worth anything without my boy.
Knock, knock. Knock.
The banging on the front door is so loud that it thunders through my brain. It might not be loud really, someone might be knocking at a perfectly normal volume, but it racks through my brain painfully. I block my hands over my ears, trying to get rid of the sound. It’ll only be someone for Pippa, anyways. No one wants to see me.
“Is she fucking here?” Horror strikes me, it hits me cold in the middle of the chest. That’s a voice I know all too well and it’s one that might be here for me. I should have known this would happen… “I know she is, Pippa. It isn’t like she has anywhere else to go.” I can hear Pippa mumbling but I can’t work out her exact words. “Yeah, well I’m worried, aren’t I? This has freaked me out so much. I’ve missed work and everything.”
He’s acting concerned, but the anger is shining through. I’m pretty sure Pippa will be able to hear it this time. Bryan sounds just about as unhinged as the last time I spoke to him, only this time he isn’t drunk. That’s actually more worrying, it means I’ve climbed so far under his skin he’s turning wild. I’m scared.
“I know she’s here, Pippa. Stop trying to tell me otherwise.” I can hear his footsteps thundering through the house. If there was ever a time to get the fuck up and stop being pathetic, it’s now. Yet, still I can’t do it. Something is locked in my brain, fixing me downwards. I can’t move. “I will find her.”
“No, Bryan, stop.” They are right outside the bedroom door, only meters away from me so I can hear everything. “Please, before you do anything just hear me out.” Somehow, Pippa has the sort of power that actually silences my delightfully irrational husband. I need to get me some of that. “I think Savannah needs help.”
“What do you mean, Pippa? Of course she needs help. Have you heard her crack pot theories?”
“Yes, I have. And that’s why I’m telling you this. She’s spiraling. She’s falling out of control and I’m scared about what will happen if someone doesn’t step in and take action.”
I know that out of everyone in the world, Pippa has my best interests at heart, but hearing her say that makes me want to cry. I can’t though, it’s like there isn’t any liquid left in my body. Not that I’ve cried though. Since I’ve been here, I’ve pretty much just been lying here with my face in the pillow.
“What do you think I should do?” Bryan growls, but he’s got a bit more of that caring in his tone now. “I’ve tried everything but Savannah doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say.”
“I know, I understand which is why I think it might be time to do something more.”
I slide my eyes closed and drift off into my brain to block them out as much as I can. I don’t want to hear what they have to say anymore, even if they are planning my future. Someone else might as well do it, I’m not doing an amazing job myself. I wouldn’t trust Bryan at all, but Pippa can sort me out.
As I drift, I see my boy’s face. I think about my son and how beautiful he was. Such a sweet and innocent boy, the true light of my life. He looks a bit like his father but he doesn’t have any of his traits. Maybe that’s just a nature thing, the way he was born, or perhaps it’s because he hasn’t ever spent much time with his dad.
Either way, I miss him like cray. I lived for him, without him I might as well not be here. If Jayden can’t find him, then maybe I should just give up on living completely. I should just fade away from existence. Stay in this bed until I just don’t exist anymore. My dream becomes more of a weird death fantasy that feels so right. I weirdly yearn for it, I want it because it’s easier than this pain. This pain is eating me alive anyway.
Fuck it, I silently communicate with Pippa. Take me away. Do whatever you need to do.
* * *
I stare around the much too white room feeling oddly sick by the brightness of it all. Why did someone choose this color scheme? What is it trying to achieve? It certainly isn’t comforting, I feel even worse about myself.
“So, Mrs. Janssen, do you know why you’re here today?” The words are softly spoken but they hurt. I shrug childishly as a reply. “Okay, well your family and friends have become very concerned about your behavior.”
“They believe my son is dead,” I shoot back. “But he’s not. My husband has done something to him.”
I give the therapist a look, begging him to believe me. No one ever believes me, I don’t even fully know if Jayden did. Everyone thinks that my version of events is bullshit but maybe this therapist will be different…
“Okay, so do you want to tell me what you think happened on that day?”
You think… those words are enough for me to know. Bryan has already gotten across his version of events which leaves me with no hope. That man has power and a clear charisma too. He shows the rest of the world a kind and caring side of himself which means I will again be the slightly unhinged wife.
“I don’t think anything.” I curl my knees up to my chest and fold my arms around them. “I know what happened. The van didn’t run Peter over, two men jumped out of it and they hit me over the head to knock me out while they kidnapped my son. My husband is a part of it too which is why he faked the funeral.”
“Hmm, okay.” He nods slowly but his eyes have glazed over. He’s already tuning me out. “I see, and why do you think your husband would do this? That’s not the sort of thing that someone would do without motivation.”
“No, I know and it’s hard for me to work out but I assume it’s something to do with money. He is one hundred percent involved with something dodgy to do with money. I saw evidence in his office. I should go to the cops.”
I’m only saying that to prove how serious I am really. I have no faith in the police force at all ever since they failed me and Peter. They didn’t even take my fears seriously, just like everyone else. I can only trust me.
“And what did you see in your husband’s office? Please tell me so I can understand better.”
I shrug as my brain fills with fog. I can barely remember what I saw now, so much has happened since. The excessive drinking, the conversation between Pippa and Bryan, more sleep… much more sleep, then Bryan bundling me into a car and dragging me along to this hell hole. Although, I didn’t see it that way at the time. I was glad to come, I wanted to get the hell away from him, but I guess I didn’t think it would be worse.
Sitting here now in front of yet another person who doesn’t believe me is horrible.
“So, are you going to prescribe me some meds then?” I demand. “That’s why I’m here, right? To get drugged up? Help me to forget everything that’s going on? That’s what Bryan wants of me.”
“I don’t know if yelling is helpful right now…”
“I don’t fucking care.” I kick out my legs and wave my hands. “I don’t care about anything anymore, I’m done here. I’m finished with all of this. If you aren’t going to give me anything then I’m out of here. I’m sick of this. Of being asked questions and poked and prodded. I hate it. All of this. And you… you’re just another of Bryan’s clones. I can’t trust you just like everyone else. There isn’t anyone here on my side. No one at all…”
The therapist says nothing so I leap up and scream. I let out all the emotions balled up my chest. They’ve been locked up for too long now, I need to just let them all out before I lose my freaking mind.
“Okay, I think it’s time that you calm down now…”
“I don’t want to calm down.” I ball my hands up in my hair, letting my temper run out. “I don’t want to. I’m sick of trying to be calm, I just want all of this to be over. I want to die…”
I break off panting as far too much truth comes out. I cling onto my knees and gasp messily. I feel raw, vulnerable, exposed. The therapist has now seen more of me than I ever wanted to let free and I feel like shit about it. I want to lock myself up, to hide myself away, to never be seen again.
“I think I am going to prescribe you something actually, to help with the anxiety which you’re very clearly feeling. I’m going to give you something to calm you down and help you rest. Does that sound okay to you?”
I nod, giving in. I can’t keep fighting this anymore. It’s hard because giving in also means to give up on Peter which is the last thing I want to do, but if everyone, including Pippa, thinks that I’ve lost my mind, then maybe it’s time to just go along with that.
Numbness encasing me will feel better than this pain anyway. I can’t keep going through this. It’s too much, too painful. I need an end to it. I suppose this therapist can at least do that for me.
“Yes, whatever. Just give me whatever pills you can. I don’t want any of this now.”
I slump to the ground, hitting it hard. It ricochets through my body, shooting up towards my brain, but I ignore it. Soon it’ll be all gone. It has to. Soon I’ll be another shuffling zombie making my way through life without feeling a damn thing. Right now, that sounds like fucking heaven.
12
Jayden
“Yeah, okay, thank you, Pippa.” I don’t like the way her words make me feel, but what can I do? I can’t fight this, it isn’t my right to. “Thank you for keeping me up to date, please let me know what happens.”
“I know you don’t like it, Jayden, I don’t much either, I hated having to say anything to Bryan. It might even make sure that Savannah doesn’t ever trust me again, but she needed help. The one good thing about Bryan is the money he has. He’s afforded her the best treatment around. It’s residential too, so she’s in a place of peace.”
I don’t like the image in my brain of Savannah tied up in one of those coats you see on mental patients in jokey cartoons. I still don’t think that’s fair, but since her son clearly isn’t alive anymore she does need to be somewhere safe where she can come to terms with things. It sucks, but I suppose it’s for the best.
“Yeah, okay.” I rub my forehead hard. “I just hope it works. I want her to be better again.”
“So, what are you going to do now? I’m just sorry that you came all the way here…”
“Oh, I don’t mind. I would do anything for Savannah.” There’s no point in lying to Pippa. She knows all too well. “Still, even now after all this time. I think I’m just going to head back to the barracks.”
“Get back to normal life, huh?” she asks wryly. “Back to… whatever it is you do in the army.”
I honestly don’t think that my life will ever be normal again. Spending this very confusing time with Savannah has only churned everything up and made me really messy. I don’t feel like myself at all. I can hardly even imagine myself back at work, acting like all of this hasn’t happened. It feels totally alien to me.
“Yeah. Something like that. I’ll come back if Savannah needs me. Or even if she wants to see me. You will tell her, right? Just… let her know that she can call me whenever. I’ll still do what I can for her.”
“Of course. I’ll call you. And thank you, Jayden. I know this has all been nuts. But thank you.”
“Yeah, it’s okay. I might see you soon, Pippa.”
The way I say goodbye feels like it’s forever, and I kinda feel like it might be. I don’t know if Savannah will want to see me again when she’s back to herself, and I don’t know if I can hack it either. I feel horrible by not saying goodbye to her, it feels all wrong to go without a trace, but that’s what I have to do I’m afraid. I’ll have to ignore every instinct inside of me screaming that it’s all wrong. I don’t have any choice. There’s no telling how long Savannah will be in there, it could be a long time.
“See you soon, Jayden. Goodbye.”
I sigh and hang up the phone, then I stare at the garage in front of me. I have a damn head light out, as if fate is trying to tell me that I shouldn’t go. But once it’s fixed, I really will be out of here. I suppose while it’s getting fixed up I should call Tommy to tell him that he was all too right, although not in the right way.
“Hey!” I call out, trying to get the attention of someone inside. “Is anyone there?”
“Yeah.” A gruff guy comes out of the shed like building, wiping his oily hands on a rock. “You good?”
“I just need a new head light for my car.” I point behind me at my slightly shitty vehicle. I do need an upgrade, I just don’t use my car enough to make it worthwhile right now. “Is that something you can do?”
He peers behind me and looks at the car, popping his gum at the same time. “Yeah, I don’t see why not. Let me just see if I have the right part out back.” As he walks off he calls behind him, starting up a conversation that makes me think I should follow him. “So, you headed anywhere interesting today?”
“Erm…” I walk quick to join him. “Yeah, I’m just headed home…”
“Oh right, I see. You not from around here then?”
He walks past an expanse of land that I didn’t notice before, filled with car parts and
cars too.
“No, I’m not from around here. You got lot going on here, right?” I chuckle. “You fix up all sorts of vehicles, right?”
“Oh right, yeah. I do it a bit.” He smiles. “I guess I’m a bit of a hoarder. I keep all the parts in the thought that one day they’ll come in handy. Sometimes they do. I’ve saved my customers money a lot of times.”
“Oh, that’s nice.” I peer up onto my toes. “You have some nice vehicles here. Quite the collection.”
All of a sudden, I see a sight that makes my heart stop dead in my chest. My mouth goes completely dry as I see a big black van, one that looks a lot like the one Savannah described to me.
It can’t be. I shake my head rapidly. I’ve already decided this hasn’t happened. I can’t change my mind now.
Plus, black vans aren’t exactly rare, are they? I’m sure there’s more than one in the world. What I need to do is turn away from this and pretend that I haven’t seen it. Not because I want to ignore it but because I don’t want to get myself excited all about something that isn’t going to happen. It’s not real, it can’t be.
“Ah got it.” He flashes a head light at me. “Shall we go and fix up your car?”
I nod, but I can’t move. My limbs are frozen to the spot. I can’t move them however hard I try. I can’t turn my back on this, I can’t ignore it, it’s going to eat me alive if I don’t at least take a look at it.
“That’s a nice van,” I rasp out, already certain that my guilt is shining through. “Does that work?”
“Oh yeah.” He nods. “A local lad named Hank Fry brought it in a couple of months back. It’s like, brand new, it works so well and he asked me to crush it. Can you believe that? Crush this beauty?” He moves closer to it, allowing me to follow him. My heart thunders painfully in my rib cage as I walk on the shakiest legs ever. “I was going to do something with it, but to be honest I might as well just sell it as is. The only thing wrong with it is a few scratches in the paint work.” He runs his fingers along the paint and on the wheel arch I see a very familiar scratch. One that makes me feel all buzzing inside. “It’s just a little beaten up, nothing wrong with it.”
