Donna Elvira Ah, scoundrel! Now I know you. To my misfortune, I have come to know you too late. What use is my knowledge to me now? It only hurls me into deeper despair. But know this: your crime will not go unpunished. The heaven you scoff at will avenge me.
Don Juan Sganarelle. Heaven!
Sganarelle Heaven, indeed! Do they expect us to fall for that?
Don Juan My lady …
Donna Elvira Enough. I won’t listen. I have heard too much. Don’t expect me to indulge in reproaches and abuse. I will not waste my fury in words. But I repeat, Don Juan: Heaven will punish you. (Goes out)
4
Don Juan. Sganarelle. Later the boatmen.
Don Juan Well, the beauty I wished to speak of is engaged to be married. I caught sight of her a few days ago: the loveliest thing that eye has ever looked upon. She was strolling arm in arm with her betrothed. I have never seen a couple so happy and so pleased with themselves. They made no attempt to conceal their feeling for each other, and that moved me deeply, indeed, it struck me to the heart. I found it utterly intolerable to see them so happy together. To destroy this union that so offended my sensitive heart seemed a voluptuous duty.
Sganarelle I understand.
Don Juan You understand nothing. Something has happened that defies understanding. The lady refuses to be parted from her bumpkin.
Sganarelle Well …
Don Juan So that I find myself obliged to take the necessary steps.
Sganarelle What about our letters? Our gifts?
Don Juan All returned.
Sganarelle What? The lady detests you!
Don Juan So she thinks. She actually intends to marry the fellow tomorrow. That calls for extreme measures. She must be abducted.
Sganarelle Oh no!
Don Juan What! The lout is already playing the husband, planning to entertain her with a boat ride on the sea. I have hired a fast boat and several strong boatmen.
Sganarelle Oh, my lord! Last night I dreamed of dead fish and cracked eggs, and our cook Seraphine always says that means …
Don Juan (threatens him)
Sganarelle Oh, my lord! This is going to be another of your …
Don Juan of my …?
Sganarelle … great adventures!
Don Juan You of course will accompany me. Test your weapons carefully, your life will depend on it. And don’t forget the wine.
(The boatmen enter with their oars)
Don Juan Let’s get going.
5
Don Juan. Sganarelle. Berthelot. Angelot. Colin.
Don Juan Give these men their instructions.
Sganarelle Money would be the best instructor, my lord.
Don Juan (throwing him a purse) Here you are. But no more.
Sganarelle (examines the purse) Twenty ducats. That will do it.
(He puts the purse away) This way, men. We’ll pay you two ducats each for your services.
(The boatmen are overjoyed)
Colin Many thanks, sir.
Sganarelle Just a moment. For special pay we expect special services. Can you handle an oar?
Angelot Nowhere on this whole coast …
Sganarelle Not just this way. (He makes the gesture of rowing) This way as well! (He makes the gesture of striking with an oar)
Colin Oh, it’s that kind of job!
Angelot We’re peaceful fishermen, sir. If people are going to get hit …
Sganarelle (sternly) Oh, so you don’t know how to fight. Then I’ll have to teach you.
Angelot Teach us how to kill people? These men don’t seem to have any religion.
Sganarelle We don’t pay two ducats for rowing.
Berthelot It can’t be done, sir. I know him. (Pointing at Angelot)
Angelot (to the two others) Would you want to kill your fellow men for two ducats?
Berthelot He’s right, sir. Two ducats aren’t enough for that kind of thing.
Colin (to Angelot) You wouldn’t even do it for three, would you, Angelot?
Angelot (shakes his head)
Berthelot (to Angelot) For four?
Sganarelle Three ducats are out of the question.
Angelot Four ducats is a lot of money. (But he continues to shake his head)
Colin He’s too soft-hearted, you see.
Sganarelle Trying to gouge three ducats out of us—is that what you call soft-hearted?
Berthelot Under five ducats nothing doing.
Don Juan (calling to Sganarelle) How about it?
Sganarelle (furious) Very well, I will pay you the outrageous sum of four ducats …
Angelot Five!
Sganarelle Very well. But you’ve lost my respect; we’re not friends any more. (Driving the boatmen upstage) You might as well show me what you can do. (Upstage Sganarelle instructs the boatmen in “oarsmanship,” he himself using his sword. He shouts commands of: “Parry left!” “Parry right!” “Lunge!”)
Sganarelle My lord, we will do our part, but …
Don Juan (to Angelot) Lift up that oar, fellow!
Angelot No, no, no. My conscience won’t let me. (He runs off)
Sganarelle Go to the devil!
Colin But two of us won’t be enough.
Don Juan (to Sganarelle) Raise the pay.
Colin (calls after Angelot) Six ducats. Come back here.
Angelot (slowly coming back) Now it’s gone up to six. I’m sorry.
Sganarelle Let’s be going. (To Don Juan) Oh, my lord, here comes your father!
Don Juan Everything seems to be conspiring against me today.
(Enter Don Luis. During the following the fencing exercise dies down whenever Sganarelle is required to wait on Don Juan)
6
Don Juan. Don Luis. Sganarelle. Boatmen.
Don Luis I am well aware that my presence is unwelcome to you. But if you are weary of the sight of me, I am no less weary of your excesses. How, on top of everything else, can you expect me to put up with your latest sacrilege? Snatching the only daughter of our noble friend Don Filipo away from the holy seclusion of the convent! When will you cease to bring grief upon my head grown gray in the service of king and country? Must you heap crime upon crime?
(Sganarelle discreetly presents Don Juan two swords from which to choose. Don Juan imperiously indicates one of them. Sganarelle goes out)
Don Luis To cover up your scandalous doings I am obliged to wear out the mercy of our king. A time comes when the most benevolent mercy is at an end. While you gratify your whims, I am forced to squander the credit my services have built up.
Don Juan Won’t you be seated, sir? It’s easier to talk sitting down.
Don Luis No, you blackguard, I will not be seated. Ah, how heedless we are when we beget sons! How passionately I desired a son, how obstinately I begged for one—here he stands, the son for whom I importuned heaven with my prayers: a monster! He scoffs at my remonstrances, laughs at my legitimate wishes!
(During this tirade Sganarelle points smilingly at the performance of the fencing boatmen)
Don Juan Not at all, father. Inform me of your wishes regarding the lady in question, and I shall do my best to comply.
Don Luis Be still! Don’t remind me that I am your father. Too many people do so to wound me. Are you really not ashamed to be so unworthy of your birth? What have you ever done to glorify the name you bear?
Don Juan (while Sganarelle shows him a basket filled with bottles of wine) More of that kind. (Sganarelle withdraws upstage)
Don Luis You’re living on the reputation of your ancestors. But their heroic deeds will not help you. On the contrary, their glory is a torch that shows up your disgrace.
Don Juan Sir, you will not find me as disobedient as you seem to think. There are situations in which a nobleman has no choice. Certain obligations must be met, regardless of the cost.
Sganarelle (aside) Regardless of the cost to his father.
Don Juan I will allow Donna Elvira to return to the seclusion from which I should n
ever have snatched her. In view of which change of heart I venture to hope that you will resume your past generosity toward me. My creditors …
Don Luis Wretch, not a word about your creditors! You have more to fear from the wrath of heaven! (Goes out)
7
Don Juan. Sganarelle. Boatmen.
Don Juan (motions Sganarelle to approach) I want you to have a coach ready when we return in the boat.—How revolting it is to see fathers who live as long as their sons.
Sganarelle (who has lined up the boatmen and loaded them with baggage and weapons) My lord, you should have thrown the old man out. I admire your patience.
Don Juan Patience? That is exactly what I haven’t got. You rascal, I am thirty-one. Alexander died at the age of thirty-three. He had taken six hundred and eighteen cities. Which means I’ve got to hurry. Time to get going! The boat! (They go out)
Act Two
Ocean beach. Don Juan’s and Sganarelle’s coats have been hung up to dry.
1
Charlotte. Pieter.
Charlotte It was lucky for them that you happened to be here.
Pieter Yer dern tootin’. They’d have drowned.
Charlotte Was it that little squall this morning that upset their boat?
Pieter I can see I’ll have to tell you the whole story from the beginning. Well, the two of us, me and Tubby, were on the beach horsing around, throwing sand at each other, when all of a sudden I see somebody paddling around way out in the ocean. I seen them plain as day and then all of a sudden I seen that I couldn’t see nuthin’. Tubby, says I, it looks to me like somebody’s swimmin’ out yonder. Piffle, says he. Consarn it, says I, there’s somebody swimmin’ out there. Fiddlesticks, says he, you’re seein’ ghosts. Do you want to bet, says I, that I’m not seein’ ghosts and it’s hoomans swimmin’ this way. Consarn it, says he, I bet it isn’t. All right, says I, this dime says it is. All right, says he, here’s my money, says he. I’m nobody’s fool, I throw in a dime and then another nickel, I knew what I was doin’. Well, we’d no sooner made our bet than we see these two men plain as day, wavin’ like all get-out for us to come and save them. So first I rake in my money. Come on, Tubby, says I, can’t you see they’re shoutin’ for help? Let’s get a move on. Naw, says he, they’ve cost me too much already. Well, to make a long story short, I kept at him till he jumps in the boat with me, and in three shakes we fish them out of the water. They were all blue. So I take them home and sit them down by the fire, they take their clothes off to dry, they’re sittin’ there mother-naked and then Mathurine comes in, and right then and there one of them starts makin’ eyes at her. And that’s my story.
Charlotte (all curiosity) But Pieter, didn’t you say one was much better looking than the other?
Pieter That’s the master. Must be some bigwig. There’s gold all over his coat. (He points to the coat hung up to dry) From top to bottom. And his servant looks like a lord too. But bigwig or not, he’d have drowned if I hadn’t been there.
Charlotte You don’t say so?
Pieter Consarn it! If I hadn’t been there, he’d have been up split creek.
Charlotte (burning with curiosity) Is he still sitting naked by your fire, Pieter?
Pieter Naw, his servant dressed him and we all looked on. Bless my soul, I’d never seen one of them fancypants gettin’ dressed. The gear they hang on those courtiers! Listen to this, Charlotte. They got hair that don’t grow on their head, it’s like oakum and they put it on like a great big hat. Their shirts—the two of us would fit into one of the sleeves! Instead of pants they wear an apron that’s as wide as from here to Christmas. Instead of a jerkin, they wear a wee little vest that hardly reaches down to their belly button. Instead of a regular collar they wear a neck cloth (makes a motion) as big as this, with four big tufts of lace that hang down to their stomachs. (Sganarelle enters briefly upstage and takes the coats) On their wrists they got more collars, and on their legs big braided funnels. And they’re covered with ribbons, ribbons, ribbons, enough to drive you crazy.
Charlotte Goodness me, Pieter, I want to get a look at that. (Stands up)
Pieter (makes her sit down again) Listen to me first, Charlotte. I’ve got something else to tell you.
Charlotte (in a hurry) Well, go ahead.
Pieter Well, Charlotte, you see, I’ve just got to pour out my heart, as they say. I like you, you know I do, I’m all for our teaming up, but dern it, I’m not rightly pleased with you.
Charlotte Why? What’s wrong?
Pieter What’s wrong? You just make me miserable.
Charlotte Miserable?
Pieter Dern it, you don’t love me.
Charlotte Is that all?
Pieter That’s all. Ain’t it enough?
Charlotte Shucks, Pieter, you always come around with the same old story.
Pieter I always come around with the same old story ’cause it’s always the same old story. If it warn’t the same old story I wouldn’t come around with the same old story.
Charlotte What do you want of me?
Pieter I want you to love me, dern it.
Charlotte Who says I don’t?
Pieter No. You don’t love me. I can stand on my head, I buy you ribbons from every peddler that comes along, I dern near break my neck bringin’ you blackbirds fresh out of the nest, I pay the organ grinder to play for you on your saint’s day—where does it get me?
Charlotte But shecks, Pieter, I do love you. What do you want me to do?
Pieter I want you to do what people do when they really love each other.
Charlotte I really love you.
Pieter Naw. Anybody can see when it’s real. Take Thomasine, she’s plumb crazy about her Benjamin. Pesters the life out of him from morning to night, she never leaves him alone. Only the other day … he was sittin’ on a stool … so she sneaks up behind him and pulls it out from under his ass. That’s the right way to love somebody. You never do anything like that, you just stand around like a block of wood. I could pass you twenty times, you wouldn’t even bother to poke me in the ribs. Consarn it! That’s no good. You’re cold.
Charlotte That’s the way I am.
Pieter But you shouldn’t be. When you love somebody, you should show it somehow or other.
Charlotte Well, I love you as best I can. If it doesn’t suit you, you can find yourself somebody else.
Pieter See? What did I tell you? Consarn it, you wouldn’t say that if you loved me.
Charlotte Why must you always keep after me?
Pieter All I want is a little love.
Charlotte Don’t prod me. Maybe if we stop thinking about it, it’ll come all by itself.
Pieter All right, Charlotte. (Gives her his hand)
Charlotte All right. (Taking his hand) There.
Pieter Try to love me more. Promise.
Charlotte I’ll do my best, but it’s got to come by itself. Pieter, is that his lordship?
Pieter (proudly) That’s him.
Charlotte Gracious me, how handsome he is! What a shame if he’d been drowned!
2
Charlotte. Pieter. Don Juan. Sganarelle.
Don Juan (motions Pieter to come closer)
Berliner Ensemble Adaptations Page 23
