“Huh-uh, cowboy. That squinty eyed stare won’t work on me.”
Carson snorted. “When has it ever worked on you?”
“Sweetheart. You don’t have to glare at me to scare me. Why you’re trying to hide the pain from me makes my fears ten times worse. Please. Tell me what’s going on.”
“Fine. You wanna see?” Embarrassed, because yeah, maybe he’d rather she thought he needed chemicals to get his dick hard rather than the truth; that he wasn’t the agile man who could out-rope and out-ride everyone that he used to be.
Holding onto the saddle horn, he shifted his weight forward. Then he threw his right leg over the back of the horse, trying like hell to balance on his left side, knowing the instant his right foot touched the dirt would be the moment of agony and there was no way he could hide it from her.
His right boot heel hit the ground. Even with his left foot in the stirrup, he almost fell on his ass. The shooting pain was instantaneous. His vision went wonky even after he’d placed both feet on the dirt. He rested his forehead in the curve of his saddle.
Sheridan stayed still as Carson regained his balance. Sometimes the grinding fire in his joint forced him to double over and spew out every curse word he’d ever heard—if the torture hadn’t caused him to stop breathing entirely.
The gate clanged behind him. Then Carolyn wrapped her arms around his middle and squeezed. “It’s okay. I’m here. Please let me help you.”
He breathed through the pain and held onto the reins when Sheridan tried to shift sideways. “Steady, girl.”
“I’m sorry. But I’ve been worried and you won’t tell me what’s going on—”
“Sugar, I was talkin’ to my horse.”
“Oh.” She laughed. “Of course you were.”
“I’m better now.”
“No, you’re not. We can just stay like this until you settle.”
Carson turned his head and nuzzled the side of her face. Feeling calmed by the words she’d so rarely had to say to him.
After a bit she murmured, “Better?”
“I’m always better when you’re near.”
“What can I do? You want me to unsaddle Sheridan and deal with the tack?”
“Nah. That’s the easy part. I got it.”
“I’ll stick around and help you anyway.”
“I’d like that.”
After they’d dealt with his horse, they walked hand in hand back to the house in silence that wasn’t uncomfortable, just resigned.
In the kitchen, Carson watched her busying herself getting them coffee and a slice of strudel cake. Then she watched him a little too closely for signs of pain as he took his usual chair in the dining room.
“It’s your right hip, isn’t it?”
Carson nodded.
“How long has it been bothering you?”
“Since Christmas.”
Carolyn cocked her head as if she didn’t believe him.
“Okay. Since Thanksgiving.”
“And you didn’t say anything because…?”
“At first I thought it might just be inflammation because I’d helped the boys more this fall than I’d done in a while. I figured it’d go away. When it didn’t, I remembered my dad had a harder time with his joints hurtin’ in the winter. But now that it’s started warmin’ up, it’s getting worse, not better.” He stared into his coffee cup. “I fuckin’ hate that the last time I tried to make love to you it hurt so goddamned bad that I just wanted to get it over with.”
She scooted closer, took his hand and curled it around her face. “Why did you hide that from me? We could’ve tried some way besides missionary—”
“It’s embarrassing. Two things I’ve been good at—keepin’ you satisfied in bed and ridin’—can’t do either of them anymore.” He sighed with pure frustration. “I ain’t a young man, by any stretch. But Jesus, Caro. When did I get so damn old? I hate this constant aches and pains shit.”
“I know. But it’s not going away. So can we go to the doctor and see what can be done?”
We. Always we. “Yeah.”
The relief in her eyes shamed him; she’d been prepared for a fight. “I think—”
“No more thinkin’. We’ll get it taken care of. Soon. But right now, I’m takin’ care of you.” He helped her to her feet and slapped her butt hard enough she yelped. “Repulsive my ass. You are still the sexiest damn thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.” He’d kissed her in the slow, patient, teasing way that drove her crazy. Then he spread her out on the dining room table and kissed her the same way between her legs.
And it hadn’t hurt his hip at all.
“Daddy?”
Carson’s head whipped up. Lost in the memory, he’d forgotten about the cigarette smoldering between his fingers.
But of course Keely noticed it right away. “Since when have you smoked?”
He lifted the butt to his lips, inhaled and slowly exhaled. “Since I was sixteen. It’s a stress thing, not a regular habit.”
“Does Mom know?” She paused. “Of course she does. You two keep each other’s secrets.”
Carson stared at his beautiful daughter. Sweet Jesus. She was doing a stellar zombie imitation. Dark circles hung under her eyes; her face was milky white. She wore no makeup; her hair looked like she’d stuck her head out the window zipping down the road at a hundred miles an hour. Even if Keely was only headed for the barn she took care with her appearance—a habit she’d learned from her mother. “Punkin, you look like hell.”
“So do you.”
“Yeah, well. I’ve been livin’ there the last seven goddamned days.” He sucked in another drag. Held the smoke in. Blew it out. “I ain’t in the mood for you to chew my ass.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what? Smoke?”
“No. Don’t be a dick. I know you’re hurtin’, Daddy. I see it.”
“You don’t know the half of it, girlie.” He slid off the tailgate, hiding a wince when the impact with the ground sent a sharp pain from his heel to his hip. He dropped the cigarette on the blacktop before he ground it out with his boot heel.
“I do know how bad you’re hurtin’, because I’ve seen the other half.” Keely moved toward him, snaking her arms around his waist, burying her face on his chest, her shoulders heaving.
His response was automatic. Ingrained. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. His sweet baby. She’d always be his baby no matter how old she got.
“I’m sorry,” she said through choked sobs.
And he’d forgive her no matter how bratty she acted. “I know you are.”
Keely tilted her head back and met his gaze. In that moment she looked so much like her mother, his heart swelled even as it ached. “You deserved better from me. From all of us. I’ve never spoken for my brothers, and I ain’t about to start now. I’m sorry I thought my connection to her should mean more than yours. I know better. I saw it that day of your surgery and it freaked me the hell out.”
“That what you mean by you’ve seen the other half?”
She nodded. “You and Mom; you’re two halves of a whole. She knew. Right away. I told her to calm down, it was routine surgery, the orthopedic surgeon performed that procedure ten times a week and it was nothing to worry about.”
In seventy-four years of life Carson had never been put under. As they’d wheeled him in to pre-op, Carolyn promised she’d be waiting for him on the other side. She had no idea how true that statement had been at the time.
“The minute you coded on the operating table, she stood up in the waiting room and said, ‘Come back to me. I’m right here. Where I’ve always been, where I’ll always be. I love you. Please. Come back to me.’”
That jarred him; what did it mean that he’d been reciting those exact same words to Carolyn every time he’d le
ft her side the last week?
That you are two halves of a whole.
Carolyn had never told him what she’d said to yank him back. He had a vague recollection of being in a black void and then a sensation of floating away. Not that he’d seen people or places or a bright light or anything that defined his idea of heaven. He’d just heard Carolyn’s voice, pleading with him, and he’d battled his way back to find her.
Then later—minutes, hours, he hadn’t been sure of the time elapse—he’d woken up in a hospital bed with his wife sitting beside him. One hand held his, her other hand rested on his heart. Carolyn’s tears sliced through him until he realized they were tears of joy.
She’d whispered, “I thought I’d lost you.”
“Sugar—”
“I can’t… You died on that operating table, Carson. For two minutes you were gone. Gone. Away from me for good. Forever. You’re here and I’m so blessed.” She stood and kissed every inch of his face. The softness of her lips and the sweep of her breath on his skin, the scent of her shampoo and the occasional teardrop were a potent mix of love and fear and gratitude. So when her lips finally found his, when she looked in his eyes and said, “You are my life, Carson McKay, I’ll never survive a world without you in it,” his own tears fell without shame.
“You’ve kept me grounded every moment of every day for the last fifty years. Only you could fight god and nature for me and win.”
“Because I know you’d do the same for me.”
And I have. Sweet Jesus I’d fight the devil himself to have you back with me, whole, because I’m half of nothing without you.
“Daddy?”
He blinked and realized he was outside, in a parking lot, with his daughter. What did it say that this flashback stuff no longer spooked him? Because he feared if Carolyn didn’t pull through that’s all he would have of her? And he’d rather be lost in memories of his life with her and their past than face the reality of a future without her?
Don’t think that way.
He refocused on Keely. “What, punkin?”
“I’m sorry for givin’ you grief.”
“You’ve been givin’ me grief since the day you were born. But it ain’t all your fault. I tend to be overprotective of the women in my life.”
“Gee, ya think?”
Her gaze was so open and sweet that he couldn’t help but reach out and stroke her cheek. “Smarty-pants.”
“I knew from the time I was a little girl that you and Mom had the heart-body-and-soul kind of love everyone dreams of. As I grew up I knew I’d never settle for anything less.”
“You didn’t.”
“I know.” Her chin dropped to her chest and her hair hid her face. “After all this shit happened with Mom, Jack told me what you said to him on our wedding day. That a husband’s first priority is always his wife. Period. To love her, cherish her and protect her above all else. That you’d done that for your wife and you expected he’d do the same for me. Even if it went against what you and Mom wanted for me. The bond between parents and children was special. But a bond between husband and wife was sacred.”
Keely looked up; those big blue eyes glistened with tears.
“Darlin’ girl, I’m hangin’ on by a thread here, and your tears do me in almost as quickly as your mother’s, so can we talk about something else?”
“Sure.” She blew out a long breath. “But it might make you mad.”
Fuckin’ fantastic. “What now?”
“We—all your kids—planned a huge surprise fiftieth wedding anniversary party for you and Mom next month. We rented out the Sundance community center, hired a band for the big dance. We came up with a killer menu with amazing food because we wanted to do something really special for Mom since she always makes such great meals for all of us.”
“That she does.”
“We compiled a list of two hundred of your closest family and friends to invite—” she grinned, “—plus we drafted an announcement to put in the paper the weekend before the party, opening the reception up to everyone in town. That’s when we planned to tell you so you wouldn’t have been caught totally off guard.” Her eyes searched his. “Tell me the truth. Did you catch wind of any of this?”
“Hell no.” He hated to burst her bubble, but a big damn party was the last thing they wanted to celebrate this milestone in their lives.
“Now, everything has changed. Who knows how long it will take Mom to recover, so we’re cancelling it.”
“It’s disappointing after you put in so much work, but it’s the right thing to do.” He paused. “Tell you what, keep all them ideas and use ’em for our sixtieth anniversary celebration.”
She smiled. “Good plan. Now that’s out of the way, can we talk about the medical stuff?”
He nodded.
“When are the docs starting the coma reversal process?”
“I’m meetin’ with them sometime today to hear their recommendation.”
“You’ll keep in touch with me so I can pass on the information?” Keely nudged him. “It’d be easier if you learned to text.”
“No, missy, I surely do not need to learn that. If I need to tell you something I’ll call ya.”
“Stubborn.”
“I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about.”
She laughed and leaned over to kiss his cheek.
Carson slammed the tailgate shut. “Should I prepare myself for visits from your brothers?”
Her smile vanished. “Like I said, I don’t speak for anyone besides myself. But they need to clear the air with you before you let them see Mom. Not as a stipulation for seeing her, but because they owe you an apology. And we both know Mom will pick up on any bad family vibes. She’ll need to concentrate on getting herself better, not worry that her sons have redefined jackass in dealing with you. I’ll tell them that if you’d like me to.”
“Do what you have to, punkin. Your mom will want to see her sons regardless if they’ve been pissed off at me or not.”
“You’ll call? As soon as you know anything?”
“I promise. Give Pipsqueak and Katie-bug a hug from me. Same for JJ and LC.” He was the only one who called Liam LC, but the boy was his namesake, so he was entitled.
“I will. Love you Daddy.”
“Love you too, Keely girl.”
His appetite had disappeared so he skipped the cafeteria and stepped into the elevator. He needed to shower and change his clothes but he couldn’t get it done in the twenty minutes before he could visit Carolyn again.
He froze inside the ICU waiting room door, seeing Cord gazing out the window.
His son turned toward him. “This is a shitty view.”
“Most of the time when I’m staring out I don’t see nothin’ anyway.”
“Wish I coulda heard what you and Keely were talkin’ about down there,” Cord said.
Carson noticed Cord’s hands were jammed in his pockets. An indication of his oldest son’s nerves. “That wasn’t a bait and switch? Keely talks to me while you sneak up here?”
“Keely don’t know I’m here. I was surprised to see she’d shown up at the same damn time.”
“She came to apologize.”
“I came to apologize too.” He blew out a breath. “Straight up, no excuses, Dad, I was an asshole. I don’t know what the hell I was thinkin’. It’s like I stood outside my body and watched myself reverting to that twenty-something kid who didn’t like what you were tellin’ me so you had to be wrong. The only reason you were actin’ like that was because you had to show us that you still had power over us and weren’t—”
“A retired rancher with nothin’ better to do than deny my kids access to their mother when she’s in a life or death situation?”
Been a long time since he’d seen his son blush, but he did.
“Sound
s like we’ve got some things to talk about. Have a seat.”
“Feels like I’m ten years old getting called into your office for some stupid stunt.”
“You spent plenty of time on the bench over the years. Not as much as Cam and Carter.” Carson lowered into the chair opposite Cord.
“How is Ma?”
“No change. I’m meetin’ with the docs today. I imagine they’ll start bringing her out of it in the next twenty-four hours.”
“She’s…” Cord closed his eyes. “Fuck. I can’t imagine how you’ve held it together.”
“Who says I have? I’m a fuckin’ mess.”
“Not that I’ve known since I haven’t been around to offer any support. None of us have.” Cord looked at him with anguished eyes. “The worst part is when I hear Mom’s voice in my head: I raised you better than this, Cord West McKay. Your father needs you. Jesus. You’ve been there every goddamned time I’ve needed you. Even sometimes when I haven’t wanted your help. And when you need me—you need us—you’re forced to go it alone. How in the hell are you ever gonna forgive us?”
“I’da been alone in this even if you’d all been here. In some ways, this was my choice.” He raked a hand through his hair. “Look. I ain’t one for that psycho-babble crap, but I think there’s more to how you reacted than you wanna admit. Yeah, I know you’re scared for your mother. I know you’re scared for your kid. Ky is bucking your authority, so the way you deal with it is by bucking mine.”
“That’s the definition of mature,” he said dryly. “Ky said he talked to you. You told him that he needed to ask me about when I up and moved to Seattle. Did you really admit to him that you’d handled the situation wrong?”
“I told you I was in the wrong back then and I’m tellin’ you now. You were right to go but it was hell when you left. I swore I’d never do to my kids what my dad done to me. But I did it to you. And because I’m a stubborn fool, I didn’t learn my lesson, I did the same thing to Colt.”
Cord rubbed the back of his neck. “What goes around, comes around, huh?”
Cowboy Take Me Away (Rough Riders #16) Page 48
