by Sam Destiny
“Aren’t you?” Ryan asked, standing and then joining him at the window.
For a second Jazz wondered if he’d again blurted out his stupid thoughts, but then he remembered the exclamation he’d made.
“I’m not,” he assured the doctor, wondering what had given them the idea that he was. Then another thought struck him. “Is that why Tessa keeps coming around? Because you told her I’d be a risk for myself?”
He tried to remember the times they’d brought him food and realized only now that it always had been either cut up already or soup, and that he’d never even gotten a fork. God, why hadn’t he noticed that before?
Grabbing the doctor’s collar he was glad he finally had somewhere to go with his anger.
“Did you tell Tank and my mother that I was? Tessa and Betty? Who did you share that little guess with, huh? Tell me, you fucker! I keep my fucking mouth shut because I don’t want to worry them, and you go ahead blabbering stuff like that into their ears?”
Ryan was as tall as he was, yet Jazz knew that in a fight he’d lose. He’d been in the hospital too long, was too weak, but Ryan didn’t move to fight him. Instead he glared at him, his dark eyes looking almost pitch black in the weak light shining in from the hallway. Not even the white walls could amplify it.
“You refuse to eat, you refuse to take medication, and you disregard all doctor’s orders. What in the world am I supposed to think? What are they supposed to think? You push them all away, snap at them, fuss at them until they leave your room utterly upset. It’s what suicidal people do, right before they write letters apologizing and explaining how much they love them. I don’t say anything to anyone, but they aren’t blind, Corporal, and they aren’t stupid.”
Jazz let go then, his breathing ragged. “Why can’t they just leave me alone? Is that why Tessa keeps coming back? You talk to her, you said. Tell her she doesn’t have to feel responsible for me. And for my mom… I’ll sort that out.”
He pushed those people away because he didn’t want to worry them. Tank, his mother and sister, Bets… they were supposed to be happy. Instead he’d started sucking the happiness out of them, too. God, he was a bastard all right.
“And for why I’m not eating… I ate today. Ask Tessa. She saw it. Pills… Doc, I cannot take them. If you think my nightmares are bad now, you haven’t seen anything yet. Anything to subdue me, anything that supposedly makes me sleep deeper, better, dreamless? It never worked. I had a flashback so bad it nearly killed me right after I got injured. They couldn’t rouse me because of the pills. I writhed in pain I didn’t even feel for six hours, tearing open stitches inside and out of my body. Last night, when I figured it was better than seeing Tessa, I slept like shit, too.”
“You didn’t scream out, so we didn’t know.” Ryan’s voice was soft, regretful, and Jazz shrugged.
“I hear it’s what happens under those pills. I didn’t scream out back in… hell.” He didn’t want to name the place, didn’t want to remember it until he was back there. Any day before that was too soon.
“And this is why you need to talk to Will. And why you need to eat, Corporal. We cannot know all of that if you don’t open your mouth.”
“I just wanna go home,” Jazz muttered, defeated.
“Eat, talk, rest, and you will,” Ryan promised, then left the room.
After minutes of standing in the deafening silence Jazz realized that Ryan hadn’t promised him to stay away from Tessa. In fact, he hadn’t even commented on it, and damn if that didn’t make Jazz want to punch the doctor from here to the moon.
John again didn’t sleep and Tessa felt like bawling her eyes out. Instead she grabbed her son, tied him tightly into a baby sling until he was almost unable to move and then called her best friend. Evangeline was probably at home, or somewhere on the run, but at least she’d answer. It was something Tessa could always count on: Evy would pick up unless she was incapacitated or dead.
“What’s up, hotshot radio reporter? You sound off, you know? On your show, I mean. Is Johnny not letting you sleep well? Leila had that. She had weeks where she slept terribly due to colic, and then she started to… ah, listen to me babble on.” Evy laughed and Tessa smiled slightly, walking up and down in the living room. As tiny has Johnny had been just a few short weeks ago, she had a feeling he was getting heavier by the day. Not that Hilary agreed with her. However, she was exhausted after only a few minutes of walking around.
“I don’t know what his problem is. Hils is taking him to the doctor tomorrow while I’m doing the show,” she explained and her best friend sighed.
“I cannot believe that your boss hired Hilary as your personal nanny. Like twenty-four-seven just so you could get back to work. I wish I could have that. Okay, that’s a lie. I don’t want that because I’m not sure I could be without Lay for long. Then again—”
“Jazz is back in the US, Ev,” Tessa interrupted her. She’d meant to give that update to her best friend a few days ago, but she’d somehow never gotten around to it.
“I know,” Evangeline finally stated after what seemed an eternity. “I wondered when you’d tell me and figured you had your reasons not to.”
Tessa gaped. She knew she did, but since Evangeline couldn’t see it, she shook her head, trying to put into words what she was thinking, yet Evy beat her to it.
“Tank told me. We Skype sometimes, you know? He is… I don’t know. Weirdly attentive. We’ve been doing that ever since you and I returned from the trip. I didn’t know how to tell you, because… well, he was an ass to you and all the other girls, and overall. I’m sorry. Don’t be mad.”
Tessa wasn’t. The weeks after returning, in fact, the months after, she’d been busy with the radio show and then with expecting a baby and wondering how to best let the father know. However, she should’ve known when Tank called her up in the US, asking her to drop by. She hadn’t even questioned it. Hadn’t questioned how he had her number because she’d activated the card again she’d gotten from her friend Aimie the first time she’d been to Monterey. “I’m not mad, but it explains a lot,” she finally whispered. “Like how he knew I was back here when not even Jazz knew.”
“Actually,” Evy began, “that wasn’t me. He had heard it on your show. He’d heard the radio award thing, and that you had to pull out because you’d been rushed to the hospital. I don’t think he knew exactly what went on until then. He called me after, asking me where you’d be because he felt the need to visit you on behalf of Jazz.”
Not possible. Tessa shook her head while rubbing her free hand over the bump in front of her body. John was silent now, probably lulled to sleep by either the walking or the talking. Carefully Tessa settled down on the sofa, stretching out a little.
“He didn’t come to the hospital,” she stated, her brows furrowed. She’d been in and out of it, but she’d have remembered that. She was sure of it.
“Hilary didn’t let him in. Promised to bust his balls if he as much as thought about bypassing her.”
She’d never said a thing, and Tessa couldn’t blame her. Tank and she hadn’t been friends when she’d left, and no matter what he’d said or done right before Jazz had been deployed, Tessa had no clear opinion on the guy Jazz called his best friend. He was an ass most of the time, superficial, and a manwhore if she had gauged him right, but he’d been incredible with Evangeline when she’d been in distress, and no matter what else he’d done, this was something she couldn’t and wouldn’t forget.
“Hey, listen, Johnny fell asleep, so I’ll try to actually put him to bed and get a few hours of sleep in, too.” She’d meant to talk to Evy about Jazz, but suddenly didn’t want to anymore.
She wasn’t sure she’d ever stop crying if she’d open that can of worms.
“Tess,” Evy called before she could hang up. She couldn’t even say why she suddenly was so eager to finish that talk. It had nothing to do with Evangeline and everything with the fact that she could deal with this by herself. She was already imposi
ng on a lot of people, counting on their generosity.She didn’t need to worry Evy when there was really nothing her best friend could do over the distance anyway.
“I’m fine, Ev. I just wanted you to know, and I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before.”
“You can always call me, Tessy, and talk to me, okay?”
“I know.” And she did, but that didn’t mean she’d change her mind.
Johnny stirred against her chest and it made her sigh. So much for her sleep. If only she knew what was going on with her son, maybe her mind would be a little less restless, and her heart a little calmer.As things were, life hadn’t been too kind to her in the last weeks.
Putting her big girl panties on, she forced a smile into her voice.
“I’m fine, really. Love ya, girl. And thank you.”
“Love ya, too,” Evy replied, but now it was lacking the bubbling happiness Tessa had heard first thing after her best friend had picked up. Sadly, there was nothing Tessa could do from afar. Not even easing her friend’s worry because that was something sometimes only a hug could do.
“Tomorrow. It was decided by the panel that you’ll be released tomorrow. You’ll not be allowed to return to base though until you have a psychiatrist’s note declaring you’re fit for duty, and that note you’ll only get if he thinks you talked.”
Betty had come in and Jazz sat up. It probably was a first that he hadn’t been seated on his bed when someone came in, but the night had drained him.Too many worries circled in his head. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t care about his mother or Kris worrying. He couldn’t pretend it didn’t matter what Tank thought.
“Betty, hey. I see you’re back in doctor’s duty. You look so much more official than you did back when.”
And she did. Her dark hair was bound back in a braid and her small, well-trained body covered in blue scrubs and a white coat. She looked younger than she had now that the suntan was slowly fading from her cheeks. Or maybe it was the hospital light causing her to appear paler than he remembered.
She came over to the bed and sat on the edge of it, reaching out to touch him. He felt her fingertips scratch along his beard and a wistful smile crossed her features before it vanished again.
“I talked to Tessa last night,” she whispered and Jazz caught her wrist, stopping the slight caress.
“Don’t talk about her, please,” he pleaded quietly. He couldn’t handle Betty touching him if he had Tessa on his mind. In fact, he couldn’t handle anyone touching him. Anyone but Tessa, and wasn’t that fucked up since he didn’t want to see her anymore?
“Why not, Corporal? She’s the only one who makes any headway with you. You ate with her when you didn’t before. And I heard that last night you talked to her, too. The nurses heard you, and checked on you two through the window after hearing her call out in distress. They worried you… you maybe… hurt her.”
“Hurt Tessa?” The thought alone made him freeze to his bones. She didn’t deserve that. In fact, she was the last person he’d physically hurt. Ever.
“Flashbacks are a vicious thing, Jazz. Trust me, I know. And yours are worse when she’s involved. You pulled her out into the hallway during one of them. Who says you won’t hurt her if you don’t recognize her? What if it’s not her face you see, Jazz? What if you think she’s someone ready to attack you? I never agreed with Dr. Spencer on calling her in during your fits. Not because she can’t get you out, but because she cannot keep herself from touching you, and touching can be a trigger. A bad one. What if you push her back and make her stumble? You’d never forgive yourself if something happened to her because of you.”
He’d never forgive himself if anything happened to her, period. Even though it was hard to watch out for her when he had no intention of seeing her again. His heart shattered in his chest at the thought even though it wasn’t the first time he’d had it. Maybe it just was that finally the thought settled from his mind in the only treacherous organ in his body; the only place which had held onto hope for far too long.
“Did you tell her that, too?”
Guilt and shame flashed over Betty’s face and she turned away from him, but he reached out and grabbed her chin, making her meet his eyes. “Betty? What did you tell her last night? And why did you speak to her at all?”
“Someone needs to fix you, Jazz. You don’t fix yourself, and you don’t let anyone else help you, but something about her makes you powerless to resist. Hell, I’ve seen people and nightmares. I’ve guided them through flashbacks and night terrors, but none of the typical stuff works with you. If you’re locked in one of those there’s almost nothing that can ground you. Nothing, but her. Even your confused mind, stuck in the past, knows you love her above all. She was your safe haven back in Iraq, and she still is now. I cannot figure out for the life of me why you keep pushing her away when you should be embracing her, and even less can I imagine what makes her come back time and again when she always leaves broken-hearted, but Jazz, you’re closer to me than my brother. War does that to people. We’re soul mates of sorts. We’ve been there together. In all of it, and I want you… need you to be okay, and I don’t know her, so her pain is nothing to me.”
And everything to me, Jazz thought. God, what was it about people trying to guilt-trip him that day?
“Stop, Betty. You had no right, especially not when seeing how much she’s already hurting. Why can’t people just stay out of my business? When did I invite you in to make decisions for me?”
He just wanted to stop caring, wanted to be left alone. Wanted to hurt and feel the pain he deserved.
“I’m never gonna stop. Not in a million years. I’m here because of you. If not for you, I’d be dead. You threw yourself over me and…”
The rest of her words vanished as heat washed over him. He knew he was falling back into a horrible memory, knew he needed something to ground him before the conscious thoughts fell away from his mind, but even reaching blindly for something, he knew it was a lost battle.
Hilary had pulled the key from the lock after closing the front door and somehow had managed to hide all the other keys as well, effectively putting Tessa on house arrest. Only she wasn’t willing. In fact, she was irrationally angry.
“Give me the damn key, Hilary Cope, or I swear we’ll get in a fight. I need to get to work early because I didn’t have the time to check the Emails and it’s my job now, too, and I need to sort—”
“You need to sleep and eat, Tessa. Stop running yourself into the ground or your son will be mother- and fatherless in no time at all.”
“He has a father,” she gritted out. Granted, he didn’t know yet, and took no part in anything, but that wasn’t his fault. It was hers, and hers alone. “And he will keep having a mother.”
Hilary stood and Tessa couldn’t help but think how weird it was that for once her son slept longer than an hour, because right now she wouldn’t have minded him screaming.
“Not if you collapse behind the wheel because you fell asleep, or because your body decided to give in since you forget to eat. Sit, have ten pancakes and I might actually reconsider letting you go.”
“I’m not hungry.” She really wasn’t. Her stomach was in knots with worry about her little man, and worse, his father. She couldn’t get around the way he’d held onto her before pushing her away. She wanted to breach his trust and ask Ryan about what trauma Jesse had gone through. She had a feeling Ryan would let something slip, obligation to secrecy or not.
“Fine, then you’re grounded. Your choice.”
Hilary marched up the stairs and Tessa felt like a drug addict needing a fix. She paced the hallway before returning to the living room and then went back again. She’d gone through all pockets and bags already, even when assuming Hilary had hidden the keys somewhere in her bedroom, and that was a place Tessa wouldn’t scout out just because… she had some decency left.
“Please, Hilary,” she called up the stairs. “You’re being ridiculous,” she then added.
> “Work on your Emails from here. It’s what you have the fucking laptop for,” her friend replied loud enough for Tessa to hear. It was a surprise Johnny didn’t wake.
Settling down at the kitchen counter because she didn’t want to sit at the table, she opened up the thing, hating Hilary that moment, no matter how well she meant.
A shiver went through her body and she got up, turning the heat up. It just didn’t get better with her freezing all the time.
It didn’t take long and her new baby showed her all the Emails she’d missed so much, and she felt herself smiling as she started to read the first few. Yes, there was still heartache and pain, but there were a lot of happy stories, too, and she selected the few she wanted to read out, shortened them without changing the meaning and then continued reading through the longer ones. There were a lot from soldiers on deployment, mails reaching her from all over the word and it made her heart swell with emotions as she realized some of them had taken their internet time, limited as it most likely was, to write a public love declaration for their woman.
She only knew that she was crying when tears hit the silver mouse pad.
Jazz had forced breakfast down, faced lunch now, and waited for his doc to open the door, for someone to come in and tell him he could leave. Or someone he could make amends with, and there were quite some people fitting that description.
Finally his mother came, Kris nowhere inside as Rafaela slipped into the room. He watched how she paused, her back to him, and drew a few fortifying breaths.
“I love you, mom,” he stated, hoping to ease her worries. “You didn’t deserve what I said the other day.” He knew she’d been back every day to check for his progress, and since she was his mother she even got the information, but that didn’t change the fact it cut deep knowing she hadn’t trusted him to tell her.
