by Sam Destiny
“He’ll survive,” Hilary stated dismissively and yet Tessa decided she’d check on Tank later. It didn’t matter what type of guy he’d been like when they’d all been around the first time.This time he’d proven that beneath the asshole skin there was a beating heart.
“So will I,” Ryan injected before lifting his dark eyes to meet hers.“Tessa, he shouldn’t have been released into the care of his mother and sister. No one but you has been able to get close to him when he was like that, and the tiniest thing can trigger—”
“No, it’s not me he needs, Ryan,” she interrupted, standing to walk him back to the door. “He needs a psychiatrist and time. That’s what Jesse Connor needs. And maybe, after a while, if someone helped him to see his way again, he’ll see that he actually has a son who needs him, and then I’ll happily jump the moment he calls, but before that? If we meet, then it’ll be on my terms and not because the bat sign had been lit.”
“Good one,” Aimie muttered next to her and Tessa smirked briefly. She didn’t feel like joking, but sometimes sarcasm was the only thing she had left.
Ryan stood, too, and stepped so close to her she had to look up. “The last thing he needs is hurting more people, and you’re the only person standing between his damnation and his salvation. Save a man’s soul, Tessa. Just do it.”
She stared at him, unable to reply, when EmJay grabbed his arm.
“Way to put pressure on a woman ready to crack, doc. That was your ticket out of here, congratulations,” she announced and then led him over to the door, if the squeaking of the hinges were any indication. Her friend returned only a few seconds later.
“Shit you got to do, you know that, right? So, let’s put our feet up and have some daiquiris, girls,” Emma grinned and Tessa couldn’t help but laugh.
Those girls would definitely keep her sane, and that was all that mattered for now.
The low murmurs of his mom and sister talking greeted him as he entered the kitchen. He indeed had missed a room downstairs, and as it went for guest bedrooms this one was more than just spacious.
The two fell silent as they spotted him and he couldn’t even be mad at them. He was used to whispers following him around, even though sometimes he wasn’t sure if half of that wasn’t simply in his head.
“Here, have some lasagna,” his mother offered and he sat at the table. It was dark wood and there was enough room to house at least four more people.
“It smells delicious, mom,” he told her, giving her a smile.
“It used to be the comfort food always working for you back when you were little,” she explained with a soft curl of her mouth, yet the sadness didn’t leave her eyes.
“Okay, can we get this all over with before long, please? Whatever’s on your mind, just say your peace now or stay forever silent.” He had meant it to be a joke, but his voice didn’t comply, coming out as a low growl.
“We want to see your son. I don’t care what you think about that, Jazz, but he’s my grandson. The first I have, and he’s from a woman you used to love,” his mother began and he had a hard time to continue bringing the fork to his mouth and chew instead of rubbing his chest. He never had stopped loving her, but assumed it was better everyone thought it anyway.
“Fine. I can give you the address where she lives now and her phone number,” he gave back. He still had that one saved in his phone, wondering if before his deployment he’d hoped Tessa would get a chance to use her American phone again or if he’d simply held onto it for sentimental reasons. He also realized he could’ve tried that number when she’d vanished, but then he hadn’t taken his phone in the first place. It simply had slipped his mind.
“And we need to know all of your triggers. Or at least the ones you know for sure, so we can try to avoid them. No matter what the doctor has told us, we can impossibly help you when you get one of the episodes,” Rafaela went on.
Those episodes…
They actually made his flashbacks sound like a series and that was the last thing he wanted. In fact, he just wanted for them to stop.
“I don’t know, mom. I seriously don’t. I never paused to think what started one of those episodes afterward. I was just glad to be out of them.” He placed his fork back on the plate. Though he’d been hungry when coming down, he no longer was. “However, don’t touch me, okay? Maybe try calling my name, but for everything that’s holy, please do not touch me then.”
He knew Tessa always did, but there was something about having her close that actually was giving him the feeling he was saving her, that he could do something for someone. Ridiculous since she’d never been in danger in the first place, but something about knowing he protected her, even if not real, gave him peace of mind.
“We’ll do everything the doctor suggested to us, Jazz, but promise that you’ll tell us whenever something sets you off, okay?” Kris urged, grabbing his hand across the table.
He nodded, meaning it, yet when his eyes fell to the glowing numbers on the microwave, he felt the urge to get up.
“Listen, I’ll try to catch some sleep, okay? Even if I’m screaming, there’s no need to come for me. Promise me,” he demanded, leaning over the table until both women in his life nodded, their eyes downcast.
Walking up the stairs and vanishing in his room, he took out his cell and the headphones, turning on the radio app for Tessa’s show. It was half past one already and he’d missed part of it—where the hell had the time gone?—and didn’t want to miss more of it.
“And that was that. Man, what a damn good song. I could just listen to it all the time.”Tessa sounded chipper, and anyone listening in right now would probably not believe she’d been bawling her eyes out just the day before.
“I have a caller. Hey Betty.” Jazz sat up on his bed and straightened. There were a million out there, but that didn’t keep his heart from speeding up.
“Hey! I’m calling in about a broken boy and his forever girl.”
It was the Betty he knew and Jazz shook his head, wondering why he bothered to listen to Tessa’s show when he’d told himself that everything concerning her was too good for him. Then again, hearing her and not being able to see or touch her was a punishment of sorts, wasn’t it?
“Tells us about them,” Tessa prompted, her voice cautious now. Closing his eyes, Jazz could see her brows furrowed over those dark eyes even while her lips were smiling.
“They cannot give up, don’t you think? No one should ever give up. I’ve never seen them at their happiest, all beaming and sunshine, but I know their love is true. I’ve heard it in every word he uttered about her; saw it in every line of his face when just the thought of her made him smile. I also saw how everything changed when his world was turned upside down.” Silence spread as Betty stopped, probably gathering her thoughts, and Tessa swallowed. It wasn’t audible, but he knew her, no matter what he told himself sometimes.
“We cannot always influence what life throws at us, and we certainly cannot decide what will alter our life, so I’m not surprised his world changed from one second to the next,” his girl finally said, still a gentle smile clear in her voice.
“I know,” Betty injected, “but that’s why I’m calling. They gave me hope. Actually they give me hope. I want what they have. I want that love that I know is present day and night, no matter how often it gets rejected. I want what they have, but even more I just wanted to do a shout-out of sorts. Don’t ever give up. Just keep going. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. It always is. Even after the longest night the day comes. I don’t know his forever girl, but I know him, and I know he deserves her no matter what he thinks. I want him to be happy.” She then proceeded to tell Tessa which song she wanted to have played in their name and though Jazz waited for what Tessa would say, she went right over to the song, leaving a void where he’d expected words.
Grabbing his cell, he opened a text to Betty: What in the world are you doing?
Hitting ‘send’ he didn’t have to wait long for a re
ply.
I knew you were listening. You need her to be whole again, Jazz, was the simple answer and he shook his head.
Stay out of my life.
The sentence would’ve been probably much more impressive if he’d have delivered it in person, but he wouldn’t get behind a wheel again until he was one hundred percent sure that he wouldn’t black out—or that Tessa wasn’t okay.
He dropped back on the bed, letting the music wash over him while waiting for Tessa to get back on. He just wanted to hear her voice, and maybe with that in his ear, he’d be able to sleep without a freaking nightmare exhausting him.
A guy could dream, right?
The show had been fun, despite Betty’s call, and things returned to the way it had been before she’d had fallen down the stairs. The feedback was getting better and better by the day, and Tessa couldn’t lie, she was on her way back to herself, too.
Glancing at her son in the rearview mirror, she found him asleep before she’d even started the car. Checking her cell, she found a message from an unknown number. It turned out to be Kris and that suited her just fine, because she had intended to visit them anyway.
Jazz had told her he couldn’t be for her what she wanted him to be, but he’d never told her that they couldn’t be friends. Even though that was only adding to her heartache, she wouldn’t and couldn’t deny that the prospect of seeing him made her feel lighter anyway. Plus, she had her mind set on forcing him to be around her son as often as she could until he no longer could resist holding the child.
Granted, she’d told him goodbye and said it would be all over now, but no, she couldn’t go through with it.
The drive to the address Kris had sent her took her twenty minutes.When she parked, she couldn’t help but admire the house. It was beautiful and sturdy, and nothing like the base camp Jazz had probably been in back in his hell. In fact, some of the houses in Monterey reminded her of army tents, but this here was a cabin, just bigger and more beautiful.
Rafaela was one smart woman.
“Give him to me!” The door flew open and Kristine appeared. “Please, give him to me.” Her son, woken from his peaceful slumber by the banging doors, started crying in the backseat. Tessa slipped out of the car, grabbing the bag they’d need inside to change him.Only afterward she untied him and pulled him out of his seat. He calmed down surprisingly fast.She followed Kris inside. The young woman almost seemed to dance around her and it made Tessa laugh.
“God, he’s adorable,” Rafaela stated, welcoming them inside the house with tears in her eyes and a beaming smile on her lips.
“He is.” Tessa took her time telling them what best to do when he started getting cranky or when he needed a change. Though she wanted nothing more than to take John up to his father, she figured her presence around Jazz would be enough for the day.
“Up the stairs and then last door to the left. He might be sleep,” Rafaela muttered as if sensing where her thoughts had gone.
“Thank you. I’m gonna leave the door open. Just holler if you need anything,” she stated and then pushed to her feet.
She didn’t bother to look her around, her mind set on finding Jazz. She paused only briefly before pushing the handle to his door down, glad to find it unlocked. He was indeed asleep on the bed and she took a deep breath before stepping close. He seemed peaceful, his expression relaxed, but changing under her eyes. It took her a second, then she realized he seemed to be slipping into a dream.
“Jesse Connor,” she muttered, gently caressing his cheek. “Wake up, handsome.” She kept her voice low as to not startle him, and swallowed when his blue gaze found her.
“Tess,” he whispered, his voice rough and thick with sleep. She almost melted.
“Hey.”
She had no idea what else she could say, but it didn’t matter. He sat up, rubbing his palms across his face before combing it through his dark strands, leaving them astray. “I was just on the edge of horror,” he stated and she nodded, sitting down next to him. She felt his warmth seep into her side and wished she could curl up against him.
“I saw it on your face, hence the waking,” she explained quietly and he absent-mindedly leaned in to kiss the side of her head.
“Thank you,” he muttered and then fell silent.
She enjoyed it, those few minutes when his mind wasn’t fully awake yet, letting his heart guide him.
It ended all too soon when he stood and started pacing.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he demanded to know, nailing her with his angry glare. Her heart squeezed tightly in her chest, iron bands wrapping around them until she was sure she’d faint because she couldn’t breathe.
“Your sister wanted to see Johnny, so I brought him over, and I decided to check on you. Plus… you said you were not going to be part of our lives the way I want it, which I understand. Fine, you won’t be my forever boy then, the one to hold me and kiss me whenever he feels like it, but we can be friends, because you didn’t exclude that, and before you say something,” she charged on as he drew a deep breath, “friends is all I will be with you. Friends are people you call in the middle of the night if you need them. Friends are people who drop by unannounced just to check on you. I don’t care what happened to you down there and how hard it will be on you and all of us, but I cannot live with knowing to never see you again, or things like last night will be a constant occurrence.” She knew she was pushing the limits here, but at least he had paused his pacing, listening to her intently. “You said you couldn’t live with me being hurt, so let me be your friend. An acquaintance if that’s all you want, but I need to know you will call me if you need it, and that I can see you at least sometimes. Let me be your friend.”
God, when she’d planned that speech out in her head she hadn’t expected it to hurt so much while saying it out loud.
He watched her in silence for the longest moment, contemplating her offer it seemed and that at least was something in her book, no matter how much pain it would cause her. She hadn’t lied; she needed to know she’d be able to see him no matter what.
She couldn’t be serious. It was all that went through Jazz’s head as he watched her sit on his bed. How many more time would he have to push her away before she’d run for the hills? And why in the world did is heart swell with love for her at the thought of how stubbornly she fought for someone she didn’t even really know?
“Friends?” he asked, wondering what it would mean. No touching, he’d make sure of that, and certainly not more.
“Whatever that entitles for you is okay with me,” she replied, her hands shaking while her voice was steady. She looked him square in the eye, proving that she meant it.
“No touching,” he clarified and she stood, hands on her hips.
“I hug Tank and Hils. They are my friends. I poke them and joke with them, so that rule is stupid,” she challenged and he groaned.
“This is not a negotiation, Tessa,” he growled. “This is a take-it-or-leave-it deal.”
Her eyes got dark, anger turning them nearly black before her lashes lowered. God, this girl had fire. “Fine, I take it then.”
She went to the door and opened it a little before strolling back to his bed and kicking off her shoes, resting back against the headboard. He blinked, knowing he was probably staring at her, but it didn’t matter.
“What are you doing?” he asked and she shrugged, reaching for a book on the nightstand. It wasn’t his, meaning Kris had probably left it to give him something to do, but now Tessa was thumbing through it.
“Friends talk, so I figured we could talk. I don’t have much time anyway. Sit, and I promise I won’t bite,” she ordered and he found his feet moving without telling them to. He didn’t take the spot next to her, but rather sat at the end, pulling one leg up to sit on it and face her.
“Aimie and EmJay are back in the states. I cannot believe how much things between us are the same like the last time. I think we need to turn that into a habit,” sh
e chatted. “Emma is just the cheeriest person. It’s refreshing. And still, yesterday she kicked Ryan out. You should’ve seen—“
“Ryan? Spencer?” Hadn’t Jazz made sure the guy would stay away from Tessa? What in the world was that doctor thinking?
“Yes. Seems he worried because I vanished. Jesus, you’d think I’m ten instead of thirty.” She shook her head, blonde waves falling into her face and Jazz’s fingers itched to brush them behind her ear. Watching her now, while she was engrossed in the book, he wasn’t surprised he’d fallen for her right that first day. She looked more mature, surer in herself, and yet she’d been beautiful back then, activating all his protective and possessive instincts. Nothing much had changed about that.
“You vanished, Tess, without telling anyone. Of course people start to worry. They love you,” he pointed out gently, his voice conveying what he didn’t let his hands tell her.
“Maybe, but I’ve been under surveillance since I left the hospital. I needed a break. In fact, I think I need those more often,” she announced and he groaned.
“You plan to run away more often?”
She looked up then and giggled. “No. I more meant I’ll take time for myself. Walk Johnny, take him to the sea. The air will do wonders for his health.”
Jazz swallowed, wishing he could keep the words contained that danced at the tip of his tongue, but then they already were tumbling, worry shining through clearly. “He’s sick?”
She shook her head. “Just a little smaller than all the other kids his age because he was born early. His immune system isn’t the way it could be if I’d be able to breastfeed.”
Jazz had to close his eyes as the image of her feeding a child, holding it to her breast, invaded his mind and filled him with unbearable longing.
He had to clear his throat twice before formulating his next question. “Why can’t you?”
“Medication and weakness at first, then he simply refused to drink from me because taking a bottle is so much easier. Did you know babies really have to work for their milk?” She shook her head, lowering her gaze back to the pages, but not before he saw the infinite sadness reflected in her eyes.
