by Fox Brison
“And how do you feel now?” he asked candidly.
“Disgusted with myself and totally in love with Joanne. There’s more. I also had a visit from Aileen at the weekend. She and Mackenzie hacked my phone and found out the truth about Joanne and I. She told me to ditch the promotion or she’d out me to the board. You’ve built a great reputation for the company, Adam, and I can’t let her ruin it. I couldn’t walk away knowing the sort of person that might take over in New York one day.”
“I appreciate this, Adele. You’re one of the bravest people I know, a little fucked up,” he grinned to show he meant no malice, “but brave. I’ll deal with Aileen, I can assure you of that.”
“Adam, I don’t mean to heap more trouble on your shoulders but here.” I handed him an envelope.
“Is this what I think it is?” he held it lightly in his hand.
“My resignation, yes. I’ll not bring the company into disrepute.”
“You won’t bring the company anything but plaudits, Adele. I can’t speak for the others, but I still want you in New York,” he said unwaveringly.
“Not going to happen, Adam. I can’t leave, not while there’s still hope Joanne might forgive me.”
“Then stay with us here in Edinburgh.”
“Honestly, I like the new me, and I want to explore her further. I can’t do that going backwards, I have to move forward,” I said with a reluctant smile.
“I understand. However, would you do me one favour?” he asked gravely.
“If I can.”
“Would you complete your proposal for the Jordan Golf Complex? And then I want you take a few weeks to think this through properly. I’ll keep this letter to myself. Come back at the end of the month for the presentation and make your decision then.” He possessed a mixture of pride and regret in his expression.
“Adam-”
“Don’t rush into this, Adele. You’ve been through a terrifying experience and it would be easy to make rash decisions. You might even have PTSD.”
“I haven’t.” I was sure of that. Been there, done that.
Got the scars.
“Okay, but you’ve worked bloody hard to get here and I understand your desire to leave now, but a large portion of your decision has been based upon Aileen and Mackenzie. Soon they won’t be an issue. Please go back to the drawing board and take an extra few weeks. Okay?”
“Fair enough.” I finished the dregs of my coffee, “I guess it’ll do no harm to let the dust settle.”
I’d gone from having no choice to three. I’m not sure which I found worse.
Chapter 43
Joanne
The days seemed to meld into one. Now that Adele was no longer in my life, everything was washed out, pale, a pastel version of living. The only good thing that remained was that my mother was on the mend.
“How are you?” Gemma pulled me into a hug when I arrived at the centre. “Dell told us about what happened. You must have been terrified!”
“I’m good, thanks.”
Gemma recognised I wasn’t ready to talk about Moira, so she gave my arm a gentle squeeze and a nod in understanding. “Dell’s just finishing up outside,” she said with a knowing look. My heart gave a little jump. Although Adele had tried to contact me a few times, I ignored all attempts and she must have finally taken the hint because they’d stopped a few days earlier. “Mary’s in her group. You’re taking her out for the day, is that right?”
“If she still wants to go. She’s pretty nervous about it.”
“She’s made such strides, Joanne; it will be a serious test of her strength and commitment, but one which she has to take, sooner or later.”
I smiled in thanks and hesitantly made my way towards the patio off of the day room. I stood and watched for a minute, soaking in the warmth of the summer sun and the sight of Adele teaching. She was moving from patient to patient, placing an encouraging hand on the shoulder, or offering a gentle word of praise. The patients were enthralled, and she appeared completely at ease. Suddenly her head snapped up and looked right at me, the expression in her eyes a mystery. She returned her attention to the group and they began packing away. I gave a little wave, but she stood rooted to the spot.
“I’ll jus’ grab my bag and pop to the loo, hen,” my mother said when she reached me.
“I’ll come with you.” I started to follow, but she was having none of it.
“Dinnae be daft. I don’t need help going to the toilet, not yet anyway!”
I didn’t know whether Adele would want to speak to me, but I took the risk… I snorted. I might think the words ‘if you don’t take the risk you miss the chance,’ but sometimes it was hard to believe. Thus, I was exceptionally nervous as I approached Adele, who was clearing away the easels. “Hi,” I said softly to her back. She stiffened and then straightened.
“Hi. How are you?” she asked politely.
“Good. You?” This was harder than I thought. I wanted to reach out and touch her, but resisted the temptation. After all I’d put her through, after all the pain I’d caused her, I had no right. How could I expect her to forgive me for Moira’s actions when I could barely forgive myself? And as for my ultimatum…
“Yeah, great,” she answered with a smile of sorts. It was one of those forced smiles where you keep your lips pressed tightly together and end up with a grimace.
“How’s work?” I was desperate to know if she’d been handed her first class ticket to New York.
“Interesting,” she chuckled. “Adam terminated Mackenzie and Aileen’s contracts. I’d hazard a guess Helen won’t be far behind in terminating her marriage to Aileen.”
“Oh my god!” My eyes were wide open. “What happened?”
“They hacked my phone and threatened to reveal the truth about our relationship. I told Adam first.”
“That was brave of you.” I was incredibly proud of her.
“I don’t know if brave is the right word. Backed into a corner might be more apt. Anyway, they still gave me the promotion despite everything else.”
“Congratulations, Adele, I’m thrilled for you, honestly.” And I genuinely was even though my heart was breaking in two. Okay so that was a lie; my heart was splintering into a million fragments. “When do you leave?”
“I’m not sure,” she said, her gaze locked onto something in the distance. “After all that’s happened, I need a fresh start. I offered Adam my resignation; coming clean was cathartic, I felt almost born again.”
“What did he say?” Please tell me he accepted it.
“Well of course he was shocked at first, then pleased.”
“Pleased you were leaving?”
“No, pleased I’d been so up front. I’m taking a few weeks to focus on the Jordan Golf contract and everything else besides.”
“If I’d known, I’d have bought you a card.” My smile was wan – at best. She had everything she’d ever wanted and I knew I no longer had a place in her life.
“Thanks, Joanne. Listen if you’re-”
“I have to go,” I said in a rush before she could finish. I needed to get out of there. I was suffocating and didn’t want to put a dampener on her good news by bursting into tears. “My mum’s coming out for the day. You take care, Adele.” I couldn’t resist and I gave her a soft kiss on the lips.
It wasn’t as long as I hoped it would be, but at least I got to say goodbye.
***
Summer slowly eased into autumn and I was drifting away. After being visited by the police when they investigated my original complaint, Geoff became a model of propriety. I gained the distinction I needed in English and began focussing on my science and maths grades.
I was finding those subjects far more challenging.
However, it wasn’t my academic ability that was the problem, it was that Adele dominated my thoughts. She was there when I slept, there when I woke; every little thing reminded me of her.
But she was moving to New York. How could I compete with the big apple?
Mum and I were walking down the high street. She was on weekend release and I was ecstatic, as was the centre, with the progress she’d made. She told them, and me, that for the first time in over twenty years she didn’t crave a drink, and accepted the longing would never leave her, but right now the desperation wasn’t there. One day at a time was her motto and she was certainly living by it. The only thing she didn’t love about being sober was her weight gain; since giving up alcohol she rediscovered her sweet tooth and had put on half a stone but was a million times more healthy looking because of it. It was busy enough for a Sunday, but mum really fancied homemade ice cream from Harringtons.
I told her about Moira and how she’d set her up for a fall. I think it helped, it definitely made her more determined not to swan dive off the wagon again.
I stopped outside Rennie’s the estate agents window. A little foible of mine, I liked to see what was available just in case I won the lottery. I gasped in shock and held my hand to my mouth.
“What’s wrong, Jo-Jo?” My mum took one look at my pale face and grabbed my hand. “Jo?”
“She said she might not take the promotion, I thought I had…” what did I think? There were only so many times I could walk away from her; I was surprised she’d hung around for as long as she did.
“Come on, I’ll buy ye a coffee.”
We found a table in Costa Coffee and sat by the window watching the world go by. My Americano and muffin sat proudly in front of me, but I just stared at them not knowing where to start. Eventually I started at the beginning, explaining how Adele and I slowly went from bonded mistress and servant to lovers. “You let the lassie that saved yer life walk away?” My mother couldn’t have sounded more stunned if she’d tried.
“There’s more to it than that,” I protested.
“Like?”
“Like… it’s complicated.”
“Nothing in life is complicated if it’s meant to be. Go after her and tell her. Whatever the problem, work through it.”
“I cannae, Mam, it’s too late. I’m so ashamed of myself. I did what everyone else in her life has done, I judged her by her scars. Irrespective of my intentions, when I thought about it I realised I was wrong. She trusted me, she showed me that every time we were together. She told me she loved me and I threw it back in her face.”
“It’s never too late, look at yer old mam.”
“It’s different, Mam. After all that happened with Moira, how can I ask her to forgive me? I led that psycho right to her door. What chance do I have?”
“Probably more chance than those numbers coming up on that ticket you just bought. The one thing you’ve been ever since you were a bairn is resolute, Jo - you had to be with a mother like me. Don’t stop now. Go after her and tell her how you feel. Don’t live a lifetime of regret. But, Jo-Jo, you need to be the one to show her everything. From what I’ve heard it’s clear she trusts you.” I nodded slowly and mam gave me a knowing look.
“The question is, do you trust yourself?”
Chapter 44
Adele
“Hey, sis,” Gemma pulled me into a hug and then marched past me.
“Come on in, Gem,” I muttered but smiled. I was doing that more frequently. I was also spending more time with her and Donna. It surprised me how much I actually liked my sister and her wife, now that I’d gotten to know them. By the time I reached my own kitchen the kettle was on and the teabags were in the mugs.
“I saw Joanne at the centre when she came to pick up her mam.”
“Wow, no lead up, huh?” I shook my head.
“Nope. She looked as awful as you do. It’s been quite a few weeks now. Has she been for any counselling?” Tea made, we headed outside to the patio.
“I don’t know. We’re not… it’s been over for a while now, Gem.”
“I know that,” she scolded. “But you still love her don’t you? I mean, I know us lesbos have a two date uhaul reputation, but I don’t think that extends to the break up too!”
“Of course I still love her, but I can’t make her love me back. I’m still here, waiting.” I hoped Gemma would take the hint from my waspish tone and change the topic.
She did for once. “And how are things now you’re a lady of leisure?”
“Incredible,” I said happily. “Although it’s not so much leisure as getting prepared for the next stage.”
“I’m glad. I was worried quitting and moving was a knee jerk reaction to the stalking, but clearly you know what you’re doing.”
I paused before answering. I still had dreams about Moira, about not reaching Joanne in time. Those were the worst, the ones where she lay in a pool of blood and I sat helpless watching Moira smirking over her dead body. “It was a catalyst, I’m not going to lie. It made me take stock.” I stopped again. I still held out hope that Joanne may return to me, but it was growing slimmer by the day. At some point I knew I had to give it one last shot, but also knew the only way I would get the girl was to reveal myself. And that was why I was back in therapy, not because of the attack, but because for the first time in many years I wanted to move on. Selling the house was simply a part of that process. “And here I am,” I finally said.
“And here you are. In a funny way, I’m glad it-” the doorbell interrupted her. “That’ll be Donna with the part you wanted.” I was surprised when it wasn’t in fact my sister in law’s voice I heard at the door.
“Ms McGill?” Joanne said, turning pale then red.
“Hi, Joanne.”
“I didn’t know… oh…” she looked shell shocked. “I brought these...” She thrust the carnations into Gemma’s hand then hurried down the steps. I barged past Gemma and cut her off at the pass.
“Joanne? Bow’ll be chuffed to ribbons. Come on in.” I was garbled and hurried. She was the last person I was expecting.
“Those are for you.” Unable to meet my eye she pointed and looked at the flowers still in Gemma’s hands. “A congratulations bouquet. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.”
“Interrupt… It’s okay Gemma was just leaving.”
“Not on my account,” Joanne protested.
“No, she’s meeting her wife.” I turned and scowled at Gemma who simply grinned.
“Wife? You mean she’s not your…?”
“My?” I was utterly confused until I heard Gemma snort behind me. Then I got it. “Oh my God! No. Gemma’s my sister.”
“Sister?”
“Aye. I couldn’t tell you before, you know, just in case.” I hung my head and drew circles with my toe in the gravel.
“And that’s my cue to leave,” Gemma gave me a kiss on the cheek and squeezed Joanne’s arm as she walked towards the tow truck that had just pulled onto the drive.
“Please come in?” I tried to keep the pleading from my voice, and I succeeded, barely.
“Okay, just for a minute though.” She gave me a pale imitation of her smile but at least she was here, at least this was a step in the right direction.
Suddenly it hit me why she’d brought the flowers. I frowned and shook my head, a tiny movement, before I realised what was happening. “Do you want a drink?”
“That’d be nice, thanks.”
“Shall we sit in the garden? It’s such a lovely day.” She nodded and a few minutes later we were in the sunshine sipping red lemonade. There were pictures of houses strewn across the glass table and I wondered if Joanne would work it out or if I’d have to tell her.
She glanced at them and scowled. “So you’re going?” she finally said.
“Noticed the sign huh?”
“No I saw the house in Rennie’s window on the High Street.”
“Ah.” I picked up one of the pictures and handed it to her. It was a wreck, an old farmhouse with two large outhouses close by. “I’ve put an offer in.”
“I… I don’t understand.” She wore an adorably puzzled expression.
“I didn’t take t
he promotion. I went to see Adam a couple of days after I saw you at the centre. I wasn’t wrong, I do need a fresh start, but not in America.”
“What does that mean?”
I heard the hope in her voice and grinned. “It means I’m selling this house to fund my next project.” I nodded towards the sheet of paper she held in her hand.
“Some project,” she said, but still appeared disappointed. “Where… where is it?”
“It’s nestled in the foot of the Lomond Hills, near Loch Leven. It’s only about half an hour out of town. I wanted something within commuting distance.”
“Do you have another job lined up?” And the hope was back.
“Well, no.” I blushed and glanced down at the house again, then at Joanne determinedly. “We talked once and you described what I do as selling dreams. I lost sight of that, working on large contracts. Now I want to work for myself. I won the Jordan Golf contract, and a significant bonus, which gives me the time and flexibility I need to build up my own clientele.” I chuckled. “Adam said he’ll throw some consultancy work my way whilst I’m getting things off the ground.”
“That sounds nice.” She was still looking at the house. “Great.” She placed the photo on the table. “Adele, I came here this afternoon thinking you were moving to New York. I had this whole speech planned.”
“I’d love to hear it. I mean, I know Lomond is a few thousand miles closer than New York, but I am moving so it’s still relevant.”
She looked unsure, then took a deep breath and began. “I’m not sure when it happened, but one day I woke up and found I no longer had to pretend I was in love with you because I’d fallen head over heels. You may have backed me into a corner when you asked me to be your girlfriend, but the one I backed you into was a million times worse. I had no right to force you into doing something you wasn’t ready to do. It was selfish and looking back I think I was using that as an excuse because I was the one who was scared. Scared by the depth of emotion I felt, scared I wasn’t good enough, and scared you didn’t feel the same way.”
“I gave up New York for you. If that doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will.” I smiled and took her hand. “I hoped you’d come to your senses.” I laughed and she did too. I picked up the photo of the house again. “I want this house to be a dream we can build together. It’s got solid walls and foundations, it just needs a little love and attention. I think we can do that. I’ve even earmarked a granny flat in one of the outbuildings for your mam.”
