by Lara Swann
I still feel miserable as I make my way out of the office space and to a cheap-looking cafe on the corner of the street - and not just because of the way my head hurts and the lingering way my body aches from the hangover.
The food manages to fix most of that, but it doesn’t stop everything from hanging over me, images of last night replaying over and over again in my mind and weighing me down.
As bad as I feel about the meeting this morning and the argument with Katy, the thing that’s really bothering me is what happened with Ava last night.
I tell myself I’m spending the rest of the day working on a strategy for turning the deal around again, but all I’m really doing is sitting in my office thinking about Ava. I wince every time I think about the way I approached her, how drunk I was and what she must have thought.
That isn’t me. I’m not like that.
And I can’t stand the idea of her thinking that I am.
I want to talk to her - explain myself, somehow - but I’m guessing the last thing she wants right now is to see any more of me. She probably wants me to stay as far away as possible.
I’m not even sure I have an explanation to give her. I don’t know what happened last night. I don’t know how, or why, or…anything.
I mean, sure, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her on this trip, but so what? I have better control over myself than that. Or I thought I did at least.
Damn it.
With a sigh, I push the whole cringe-worthy evening out of my mind and force myself to turn back to the work in front of me. I’m not going to bother Ava anymore. I’m going to do what the company I’ve built over the last ten years needs me to do.
That’s what’s important right now.
I tell myself that for the rest of the day, but I’m not sure I ever quite believe it.
Chapter Thirteen
Damien
Despite every promise I made to myself throughout the day, by the evening I find myself standing right outside Ava’s door again.
The need to apologize is driving me too strongly and when I finally gave up on working, I found there was nothing left to distract me - not after I promised Katy I wouldn’t go out, anyway.
I don’t even know if Ava will be in, but the uncomfortable roiling of my gut tells me that I won’t feel right unless I try.
I cast an uneasy glance around as I stand there, far too aware of the people I’ve passed in the corridors to get here - the hotel is far more lively now, in the middle of the evening, than it was late last night - and I don’t want to think about what might happen if anyone else sees me here.
The last thing we need right now is for me to start another scandal.
I knock quickly, before I can tell myself it would be better to come back later. I might be more exposed this way but I’m not going to appear on Ava’s doorstep at midnight again. It’s probably bad enough that I’m here at all.
There’s a pause for a moment or two and I start to doubt whether she really is inside - but then the door swings open.
The sweet face that appears in front of me immediately flickers with too many emotions to read, before settling into a very obvious irritated frustration that she doesn’t try to hide.
I hold up my hands before she can say anything.
“I came to apologize for last night. I can’t believe that I—after what happened, I couldn’t just…”
“Don’t.” She shakes her head before I can continue, obviously reluctant. “I don’t need an apology—”
“I think I need to give you one. You didn’t deserve that. I was an asshole. And I just…want to explain.”
I see her look around the corridor behind me and the worry there is obvious. No doubt she’s thinking exactly what I was just a moment ago.
“Can I come in?” I ask, the words leaving my mouth before I’ve thought about it.
“What?” The incredulity in her voice echoes the one in the back of my mind.
Yeah, sure. Come to apologize for making inappropriate advances then invite yourself into her hotel room. Idiot.
I glance around behind me again.
“Just to explain. I’m not sure it’s a good idea to be…”
I trail off, not quite saying ‘out in the open’, but not needing to for us both to hear it anyway.
“You don’t need to—” She starts to repeat, her hand on the door as she eyes me warily, those pretty blue eyes filled with hesitation.
“Please. I do.”
She gives the corridor behind me one last glance before finally huffing out a breath.
“Okay. Fine. Just for a moment then.”
She steps back, holding the door open, and I walk inside. My heart is beating hard in my chest and the moment I enter her room, I feel strangely nervous - in a way I can’t remember being for a long time.
“Thanks.” I say, as she walks past me to where the narrow hall opens up into the main area of the room. It’s a nice hotel and even the standard rooms have a couch and desk as well as the bed that takes up most of the space in front of me.
I can’t help the semi-curious glance around as I follow her, noticing how neat she’s kept the room - there’s barely any hint that someone is staying here at all, apart from the suitcase in the corner and her laptop and papers spread over the bed. I snatch my eyes back before she notices me looking, feeling guilty about being here in her personal space after what happened last night.
Ava turns back to me with her arms folded across her chest. “I don’t know what you want to say but I’d prefer for us to just forget about it, okay? It was a drunken mistake - it doesn’t matter.”
“It was a drunken mistake, yes, but it does matter. I should never have come to you like that, at that time of night, in that state. I don’t want you to think—that’s not me, Ava. It’s not something I think is okay. It’s been hard to stop thinking about you ever since that other time, but that’s no—”
She shakes her head, emotions I can’t read flickering across her face again.
“Look, Damien, it’s none of my business what you do - or who you do it with - but…not with me, okay?” She looks awkward and uncomfortable but she continues anyway. “I don’t want you to think that just because of…that time—it’s not something I do, okay? Just because it happened once doesn’t mean I’m up for—for—”
“No—wait—that’s not what I think.” I interrupt.
That’s not how it was, either. I didn’t come to her last night just because I thought a drunken fling was something she does. Though, god, considering the way I acted, I can’t quite blame her for the conclusion.
She raises an eyebrow, her face flushed red with discomfort, but her eyes meeting mine with a challenging spark anyway.
“Well, why else would you leave your parties and all the girls you’ve been seeing, if not because you figured I’d be more willing to…”
She trails off, but I can’t answer her as I stand there staring.
Wait, what? That’s what she thinks?!
‘All the girls I’ve been seeing’?
Where the hell did that come from?
“That’s not—I don’t—”
“As I said, it’s none of my business what you do - I just don’t want to be a part of it, that’s all.”
She’s obviously trying to be nonchalant about it, but I can see her distaste from the slight twist of her heart-shaped mouth.
“Ava, I’m not doing anything.”
I don’t know why it’s suddenly so important that she understand that - but it is. I need her to know.
She shakes her head, the skeptical expression turning almost tolerant, in a resigned kind of way.
“We don’t need to talk about it, but…well…it’s…common knowledge around here, the way you’ve spent your evenings.”
From the way she says it, I get the feeling she means more than just the bars and clubs I’ve been enjoying as I get to know some of NYC - and for a moment, I’m totally stunned.
My god, is that what my reputation is? If that’s what everyone’s talking about…damn it, Katy was right. Maybe I deserved the shit from Prestige this morning.
That thought doesn’t distract me for long, too much of my attention held by Ava in front of me - and I have a sudden flashback to last night, to a part of it that had been nagging at the back of my mind all day.
“Sorry Damien, I’m not another one of those girls for you to have fun with here in New York. I’m here to work.”
Another one of those girls.
The way she looked at me as she said it - the distaste less well controlled then, the assumptions obvious. My fumbled attempt to correct her, to explain that it’s not like that - much like I’m trying, and also failing, to do right now.
“I don’t exactly know what’s ‘common knowledge’ - but there are no other girls, Ava. I didn’t come here last night because I thought…any of that.” I shake my head, unable to help the intensity in my tone as I take a couple of steps closer, needing her to believe me for some reason. “What we did, that time, it’s not something I do either. The parties, the nights out, sure, but the rest of it…that’s never held much appeal for me. Not until that night with you.”
I lock eyes with her, watching her throat work, the swallow drawing my attention to the beautiful curve of her neck.
What is it about this woman that has me so completely affected?
I don’t know. But I don’t want her to get the wrong idea here.
“I shouldn’t have come here last night - and I’m sorry, Ava, really I am. But I don’t want you to think I was looking for some sort of…casual hook up. I just can’t stop thinking about you, that’s all. I know I should - I get it, we’re working together now and it’s a bad idea - but telling myself that isn’t the same as being able to do it.”
I can hear the heat at the edges of my voice, the hint of everything we had a few weeks ago, even though I’m trying not to let it happen. I didn’t come here tonight for that. I just don’t seem to be able to help myself around this woman.
The way she’s looking at me starts to shift, too, some of the distaste and hardness in her expression softening into the sweet face I’ve seen so many times in my mind since that night. Her tongue slips out to wet her lips as she looks at me, more confused than skeptical now, and my pulse jumps at the sight of it.
Damn it. I should go before this gets any worse - but I don’t want to leave her here like this. Not until I know she believes me.
“But…I mean, you’re out late every night…by yourself…” Her voice is hesitant, but I know what she’s saying. “And you’re not…”
I run a hand through my hair.
How did this even happen? Have I really been out that much? Have I really been as wild as Katy claims?
“I just wanted to see some of New York City.” I shrug, giving her a regretful smile. “I’ve never been here before and I didn’t want to miss out on that - and it wouldn’t exactly have been professional to invite all my work colleagues along. So yeah, I went out alone, but that doesn’t mean I was looking for anything else.”
The irony of that thought suddenly occurs to me and I let out a breath of air.
“Not that I turned out to be all that professional going out by myself, it seems. Turns out everyone knew about it anyway.” I say, more to myself than anything as I walk toward the window at the other end of the room. The lights from the street below and the surrounding high-rise buildings glitter back at me, so that the night barely seems dark at all. “I guess it was too much to hope I could have a little fun while I was out here, huh?”
There’s silence for a moment, but then I feel Ava coming up behind me as I continue to look out at the night sky. I know I should leave. I’ve apologized. I’ve explained myself, as best I can, and I’m not sure there’s much more I can say.
I was a drunken idiot, but at least now Ava knows she’s wasn’t just one more in a long string of girls. For some reason, that matters to me.
“I didn’t mean—it’s not like everyone’s talking about you or anything.” She says from beside me, obviously slightly awkward. “No one minds, it’s not really anything to do with us. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you couldn’t—”
“Prestige minds.” I say without thinking about it, then glance over at her, one corner of my mouth curving in a slightly wry smile. “We got our asses handed to us in a meeting with them this morning. Your team might not care, but they definitely don’t like ‘wild’ young CEOs - I got a lecture from Katy about that this morning.”
“Oh.” It’s a quiet sound, but I sigh, shaking my head.
“It doesn’t matter - not something for you to worry about. It was my fault, anyway. I knew what they’d think and I did it anyway. The lecture was only fair - even if I spent the whole time thinking that if anyone deserved a chance to lecture me, it’d be you.”
I catch the blush on her cheeks again, a few freckles standing out adorably, and I have to resist the urge to reach out toward her.
You should go, Damien. Go before you ruin everything you just tried to say to convince her you’re not really a dick.
“I didn’t want to lecture you.” She closes her eyes, squeezes them tight for a moment, then turns back to the window. “I just wanted to forget it ever happened.”
I feel another stab of guilt and for a moment we just stand there, looking out over the city together.
“I’m sorry I came by and ruined that for you tonight.” I say eventually. “Shall we say it’s forgotten now, then, if you’re sure you’re okay?”
She nods and I step back, ready to go. I’ve taken up too much of her personal space and time as it is.
“Thanks for letting me come in and try to explain myself. I promise I won’t bother you again.”
I’m halfway to the door when her voice comes behind me.
“Why did you do it, then?” She asks. “If you knew it would cause problems with Prestige? Couldn’t you have just come back to NYC another time?”
I turn back toward her, my lips twisting into a small smile.
“Probably. I don’t know.” I shake my head again. “That’s what I should have done, but sometimes…I don’t know, I’ve been feeling restless recently - and there’s so much I’ve missed out on already, it’s hard to keep waiting until ‘later’ to do everything I want.”
“What do you mean?” Her brow furrows.
“It feels like I’ve spent my whole life working, one way or another, and I’ve never had a chance to just be…me. Maybe after all these years, I’m just trying to work out what me is.”
She looks confused and I know I’m not making any sense. I’m surprised I’m saying anything at all, or telling her about this. It’s not something I just tell people. But then…something about her makes me want to talk. To stay here and be with her. To tell her things about myself that I prefer to keep inside.
I tilt my head at her, my smile turning wry as I remember something.
“I told you I wanted to be a football star, that first night. I had a football scholarship and everything - that’s what I was going to do. I never got to go. Not for the football or the college. Yet, I still train like I could do it. It’s stupid, but I don’t think I’ve quite let go of those childhood dreams, not yet.” I see the question in her eyes and I answer it without her having to ask, my voice turning softer. “My parents died just after my graduation. I was seventeen - and my sister Emily was eleven at the time. We didn’t have anyone else, so we were lucky as hell that I turned eighteen before anyone could take her away. After that, there was no question of what I was doing with my life. She was the only thing that mattered. I started Indivest in my Dad’s old office and we were lucky as hell, again, that it worked out - that I could make a living from home, raising her.”
Ava is staring at me with wide eyes, a look close to horror on her face. I can understand that. It was a pretty horrific time.
“Shit, Damien…”
I shrug. “
Things worked out better for us than they should have, so…well, it’s not something that’s ever okay, but…it’s okay, you know?”
She swallows. “I don’t know what I’d do if…damn, sorry, I just...”
“Don’t be. I prefer to be able to say it, instead of it being this big thing people can’t talk about.”
That’s true, but I’m pretty sure it’s got nothing to do with why I’m telling her. I don’t like it being something I can’t talk about, but that doesn’t mean I go around telling everyone my life story. With Ava it feels different though.
“And don’t get me wrong, raising her the last ten years has been the best thing I’ve ever done - that and creating Indivest - but it’s also meant…there’s a whole lot I didn’t do, you know? The last few years that she’s been away at college, it’s just been a weird feeling…some kind of need to catch up.”
When I look back at her she’s a few paces closer to me - and I can’t help it, I take a couple of steps toward her as I smirk.
“So I tend to spend a lot of time going out these days. Indivest has been an amazing thing to create, but I think spending so long doing the same thing and having everything be about work…well…” I meet her eyes and there’s something in them as she looks at me now - more than just the hint of heat and tension that’s tempted me this whole time.
“I never knew.” She says, shaking her head. “I mean, obviously. But I’m sorry…about what I thought…”
I give her a small smile. “After last night, I wouldn’t be surprised by anything you thought. I deserved it.”
It’s so hard not to reach out and smooth her hair back behind her ear, run my fingers down her neck and slip them under the blouse she’s wearing. Just to touch her. To feel her skin against mine again.
I need to get rid of these thoughts before I do something that I’ll regret - that we’ll both regret.
Or we won’t regret nearly enough.
I can’t tear my gaze away from hers though, can’t make myself move back or turn away. I was supposed to be leaving. Wasn’t I leaving? What the hell happened?
