I clasp my hands together then unclasp them. Rubbing the palms down my legs I refuse to look at my brother.
“And I find you here. Alone. Crying. Wearing a dress. In the middle of the night.” His eyebrows are raised when I finally get the nerve to look at him, and his expression makes my eyes well up with tears all over again. I take a deep breath to slow them, but when Asher slides closer and wraps his arms around my shoulders, I can’t hold it in. I’ve cried more in the last twenty-four hours than I have since I was ten. I’m weakening, which upsets me even more. And over a guy. It’s the Ben Feeling. That’s what’s breaking me. Pulling me apart. I need to get rid of the Ben Feeling.
I cry into my brother’s shoulder, and he holds me tightly. We can’t move or we’ll fall off the fence, but he makes shushing noises.
“Did he hurt you, Gracie?”
I pull back abruptly and shake my head. He didn’t hurt me. Yet. Admitting he likes me is like a promise of hurt, though. A promise that he’ll leave.
“You know I broke Jay’s arm on purpose when he screwed around with Lacy, right? I swear, I’ll accidentally swing a shovel at this guy’s head if he hurt you.”
I laugh for real this time.
“I am not sure anyone would believe you could accidentally lift, aim, and swing a shovel at Ben’s head…and don’t lie, you didn’t mean to break Jay’s arm, you just meant to hit him a lot harder than you needed to. Plus, you love Lacy. I would have done it if you didn’t.”
My heart squeezes painfully in my chest at the thought of Lacy. I have to talk to her. I don’t even know if she’ll call, even if it is my birthday. We've fought a lot before, but this is different.
Asher scratches the back of his neck, and I can swear his cheeks flush slightly in the moonlight.
“I love you, Graceland. You’re my baby sister. I would do anything for you. We all would. Even if ninety-nine percent of your pain and injury is caused by us, we’d avenge you to the death for the other one percent of your hurt.”
I hop off the fence, and Rasp weaves his way between my feet. He’s not happy I teased him with a run and am now bailing.
“I’m fine, Ash. Really. We…we’ve been hanging out a little, and I just got upset. He didn’t do anything wrong, I just. I’m just overwhelmed.”
It’s refreshing to be honest with my brother, but also feels foreign. Asher’s the sensitive one, even when he’s a dick, but I've never confided in him before. That was always Hunter. That was his place in our family. Hunter is the caretaker, Asher is sensitive. Archer is smart. Me? I don’t know what I am anymore. But right now I don't feel good about it. I feel like the evil sister.
Asher’s also been in love with Lacy forever, and in this moment, I feel guilty. Truly guilty that I’ve always kept them apart. Or would mock her for how she feels. I'm definitely the bad sibling.
Asher jumps down next to me and wraps his arm around my shoulder.
“Aw, does my baby sister have a real crush on a boy?” His teasing tone is back. We are no longer bonding, and it feels good for the emotion to be lifted. It feels good to be back to the light-hearted, keep-everything-at-your-fingertips emotion that my family prides themselves on.
I smirk.
“If a girl can have a real crush on the perfect pair of god-like abs, then totally.”
Asher makes a gagging noise. “Just remember, if he touches you I’ll kill him. He’s not from around here. No one would even notice he was gone.” He smiles widely, and I punch him in the chest.
“You’re a psychopath. Who even thinks of that?”
“Guys with beautiful sisters…every one of them.”
I bump him with my hip, and he curls me into his chest for a hug.
“We just want you to be happy, Gracie. And speaking of happy, we better go home so you can sleep, I know how you get.”
I glare at him and throw a leg over my quad. Rasp practically wiggles out of his skin while my brother and I start our machines. Once we’re both in the ditch heading home, we start to race. Ash revs his engine and pulls ahead of me, then lets off the throttle and slows down.
“If you could drive a car like you can drive a quad, sis, you’d be golden. Too bad you kill cars.” His mouth opens wide in a laugh that’s swallowed up by the sound of rumbling engines dispersed into the night sky. He pulls ahead slightly, but I hammer on the throttle and stand up on the foot pads. I fly by him, gaining a good lead. Rasp is between us and thinking this is the best game ever no doubt. Everything is the best thing ever to that dog.
I laugh as I approach our driveway. I win. But Ash let me win. Tonight I need to win.
CHAPTER 21
Graceland
A combination of being sixteen, and the fact that I was up most of the night being confused, or upset means that I sleep through most of my birthday.
When I finally pad downstairs, my whole family is sitting around the table. My dad is drinking coffee and reading the paper; my brothers are shoveling food into their faces. Asher looks up at me briefly and looks back down.
“Nice of you to join us.” My dad’s voice is tight, but he wraps his arm around me and pulls me in for a quick hug. I pat his shoulder and kiss his balding head.
“Why didn’t anyone wake me?” I ask.
“It’s your birthday. We figured we’d let you sleep in. Especially with that little adventure you decided to take in the middle of the night. We’ll be talking about that later, by the way.”
I push away from Dad to get a glass of water but mostly to avoid eye contact.
“Yeah, that.” I mumble and hop onto the counter to sip at my water.
“So,” my dad says breaking the silence. “What do you want to do today, birthday girl?”
I shrug. I’m still groggy, but I feel heavier. I didn’t want to get out of bed. Lifting my legs, my head, my heart, seems impossible.
“I think I’m just going to go for a ride on Belle. Maybe barbecue later before Mel’s party?”
Dad’s eyes widen, and the twins look up at me. Archer looks slightly confused, his finger pressed onto the page of whatever book he’s reading. Asher looks concerned, and it makes me feel heavier.
“You don’t want to do anything? Go to town to see Lacy? Go to the diner? You know Maggie always gives you those puffy cake things you like for free?” Dad’s voice is higher than usual.
I shake my head. “Dad, I’m not thirteen anymore. I just want to chill.”
I kiss him quickly and leave so he doesn’t ask questions. My chest feels tight, and the sound of scraping chair legs doesn’t make it any better. Footsteps catch up with me faster than I can run away from them. My wrist is grabbed in mid-step, and I spin to look down at my brother, three stairs below me.
“You okay, Gracie?” Asher asks, trying to keep the concern out of his voice, as if he were asking if I had the flu and not if my heart is being crushed from my body while the most confusing and convoluted emotions wage a war inside me.
“Fine, Ash. Just text me when Hunter gets here.” I shrug my arm out of his grip and turn to run up the stairs. He clears his throat.
“Uh? Hunt didn’t call you?” Asher’s confusion makes ice spiral out from my chest and freezes my body in place.
“No,” I say without turning because I know how this is going to go, and I can’t do it right now. I just can’t.
“That dick,” Asher mutters and clears his throat again. I know he’s running his hand through his hair, tugging it until it stands straight up. “Hunt’s not coming, Gracie. He got a job in Lincoln. He had to start today.”
My first instinct is to scream. Not words. Just scream. I am so filled with so many different things I can’t sort them out. I’ll be mad at him later.
Dermott. Lacy. Bentley. Hunter. I can’t handle thinking about all of them at once. I slowly begin to walk up the stairs.
“Okay, then.” I’m proud of how confident I sound because I don’t think I know the definition of that word right now. I push into a run and don
’t look back at Asher.
***
Grabbing my mother’s journal from my closet, I run back down the steps and almost make it out the front door.
“Graceland!” Dad hollers, and I stop, turning slowly to face him, hiding the book behind my back.
“Yes, Daddy?” I try to smile but right now I don’t ever feel like smiling again.
“You can go ride Belle if you want but no quad. That’s twice now you just think you can take them whenever you want. You’re, uh, grounded from using them?”
I laugh shakily and look over to the key rack. Both sets are gone. He’s never grounded me from anything, which is probably why it sounds more like a question than a statement.
“Okay, Daddy.” I slide my boots onto my feet and leave. I’m not going to see Belle, so it doesn’t matter anyway.
I walk to the old rusted tractors sitting behind the house and then run to my barn. I just need to sit and think. I need to figure out what to do with no distraction.
As I round the corner of the barn, I see Sasha. It takes me a second to register who she is. Why she’s here. She looks over at me, her blonde curls bouncing around her shoulders and her smile almost perfectly symmetrical. Teeth gleaming. She looks completely out of place next to the barn.
I’d say that all the guys around here would fall insta-in-love with her, but like me, I don’t think anyone from around here would know what to do with her. Unless she was a picture on the calendar that Jake keeps above the parts counter at the hardware store.
“Gracie, right?” Sasha pushes off the barn and makes her way to me. She has to be in her earlier twenties, maybe mid. I’m not sure anything about her features is a natural indication.
“Yeah,” I answer.
“I was wondering if I could talk to you for a second. It’s about my brother.”
Ben’s words come flooding back to me about how she thinks all girls are after his money, after a chance at his music studio. I clutch Mom’s journal tighter to keep my hands from shaking, but it doesn’t work because my whole body is shaking. I don’t trust myself to say anything so I don’t. I don’t need this right now. It’s my birthday, and I’m just getting shit on from every direction.
“I would ask you to sit down, but this whole place is just filthy. Dust everywhere.” Sasha laughs a sweet laugh like she said something funny, not offensive.
“Where is Bentley?” I finally say, crossing my arms over my stomach.
“He’s out checking that machine thing that cuts the round grass stuff.” She waves her hand around as if what he’s doing isn’t important.
“You mean the swather?” I can’t hide the irritation in my voice. This is my life, and she dismisses it with a wave of her manicured, artificially nailed hand. Like she has no idea that I’m the one who grows the soy for her veggie burgers and double espresso non-fat lattes. How can Bentley belong to this world?
“Whatever.”
My shaking is no longer due to nervousness. A strange urge to defend my farm, my family...my tractors...to this girl who burst into my life just to tell me how the world works. I push forward, stepping around her.
“Not whatever. Are you done insulting my entire existence or was there a point to this? Here to warn me to stay away from your brother’s money? Well here’s a thought: not everyone is only after money.”
Sasha laughs, and my skin crawls with hot prickly anger. I’ve never wanted to punch someone who wasn’t my brother before. Especially with that amused smile on her over painted face.
“I like you, Gracie. You would definitely have the fire my brother needs. But no, I came to warn you. I am taking Ben back to California next week. I want to warn you that while he likes you, he always falls too fast and too hard. It’s always been his way. He doesn’t see things for what they are. I am not saying you’re after his money, but back home, most were. So he’d immerse himself in his girls and get in so deep that the only way out was to cut and run.”
I turn slowly to face Sasha.
“What does that even mean?”
“It means that my brother can’t commit. He’ll think he can, but he won’t. He’ll run. He always does. The thing is, he can’t fall for you. We need him home in the fall. He can’t stay here with you. It would never work. You’re from different universes, and you know it. It’s doomed, and I’m just ending it faster than it would end naturally.”
“I, uh.” But I don’t know how to process it.
“I’m not saying or doing this to be a bitch to you, Gracie. I helped him plan his surprise for you this morning, along with your plain little friend there. Then I hear that you just ran out on him. I’m protecting my brother from himself before he invests in you. He needs to come home. But he won’t leave if he thinks you’re together, or has a chance. But eventually I promise he’ll run. I am begging you to see this for what it is. I’m asking for your help in getting him home.”
My mouth hangs open, and I am breathing fast and shallow. There are so many things in there that I have questions about. The thing that sticks out is, before he invests in you.
We stand in the shaded grass by the old run down barn and watch each other while I try to process. Eventually, she sighs and shrugs.
“Just think about it, okay? I know he won’t leave until he helps with this bale thing, but I’m leaving and I want him with me.”
She walks away, and I plop into the grass, all the strength being sucked from my body as soon as she’s out of sight.
This is supposed to be the best birthday of my life, but so far it’s definitely the worst.
CHAPTER 22
Bentley
The hard work is rewarding. It takes my mind off things, and by things I mean Gracie. I should be around the house. Say Happy Birthday or something, but I just can’t be around it her.
The barbecue’s going to be awkward, and I need to stop thinking about it. I’m embarrassed that I put myself out there like that. But it usually works. Finding out exactly what a girl needs and giving it to her is kind of my specialty. I like Gracie. That is the truth. That’s the worst part of it. I actually legitimately care.
I drop the wrench I’m holding and wipe my hands on my work jeans that are steadily turning black from all the machine oil. My fingernails are caked, my skin is baked, and everything on my body aches. I’ve never worked this hard in my life, but I’ve also never felt this productive. To build your life with your hands, like my dad did. Like Carter did. I do not in any lifetime want a farm. The work is torture, but trying to fix up this massive piece of machinery steadies my hands. It calms my mind. Until I think of Gracie, then I’m screwed.
“What are you thinking so hard about?” A deep voice shatters my thoughts, and I jump.
“Shit, Carter, you scared me,” I say, forgetting he’s my boss and the dad of a girl I may be falling for. But Carter just laughs, his easy-going attitude is hard for me to digest because I can’t tell if nothing bothers him or he’s just as good as Gracie at keeping it hidden.
“You look like you’re working out some serious stuff in there.” He points to my head.
“Yeah, I guess. My sister wants me to go back home with her.”
His eyes are shadowed by his thick eyebrows, and he casually hooks his thumbs in his huge belt buckle. I’ve never seen a real life cowboy, but Carter looks like something straight out of a movie, plaid and all.
“Are ya gunna go? You know we have to finish harvest this weekend.” He sounds partially concerned and partially irritated.
“No, no, not until after. If I leave at all. I dunno yet.”
His eyes are wary, but I think he believes me.
“Trouble at home?”
I laugh. “Always trouble at home. You met my sister.”
Carter returns my laugh. “She’s interesting, that’s for sure. I think my boys are having a hard time figuring out what to do with her.”
“It’s a common feeling. I have a hard time figuring out what to do with her.”
Carter slaps my back and fortunately changes the subject to the swather. I run down the things I think it needs and different things I’ve already tried.
“I have no clue what this thing is so you might want to have someone who’s licensed take a look at that, but mostly I think it’s fixable.” I point to this huge rotating thing that powers the blades
“You know, Ben, you’re really good at this. Have you ever thought of Heavy Duty Mechanics?”
My jaw tightens, and I feel my expression flatten. It shouldn’t bother me so much when people want to talk about the future. I just graduated. I’m eighteen. It’s that time. What am I going to do with my life? I just don’t want to give a voice to anything specific because I’m afraid that means I have to commit to it.
I shrug and wipe the rest of the grease off my hands. “Yeah, that’d be kinda cool. So the twins and I start back up tomorrow, to make up the lost time, right? Then you’ll be here on Saturday to finish with us?”
We start to make our way back across the yard to the house. We are passing Gracie’s run down barn, and I watch it, wondering if she’s in there.
“I’ll be here in the morning. I won’t be leaving to meet Diana until the afternoon. We’ll be going to the diner for supper. I don’t remember the last time I went on a date. I’m sure you have lots of dates. Do I have to bring her anything? Like a gift? Do women still like flowers?”
I can’t stop myself from laughing and feeling awkward at the same time. “I don’t really know, sir. I’m not the flower buying type. My sister would say diamonds probably, so that’s a bad example.”
Carter looks at me blankly, and I shift uncomfortably from one foot to the other. I don’t think he gets it, so I change the subject just as we’re passing through the two half rotting tractors. “Why don’t you ask Gracie? I’m sure she’d give you way better advice than I ever would?”
“Advice for what?” Gracie’s voice makes us both jump as she steps out from behind the tractor. Her eyes are wild, her face tight. She doesn’t look happy already, which does not bode well for Carter. I press my lips firmly together and wonder how a skinny sixteen-year-old girl can dominate this full-grown man, but then again, I’m standing here silent, too. Neither of us speaks, but Carter sighs.
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