by Sara Daniell
“Uncle Dane?” Millie’s voice came through the door.
“Yeah?” he asked a little breathlessly.
“Can I come in and watch a movie with you and Hales?”
Dane looked down at me and laughed quietly. “Can she?”
“Of course.”
He moved off me, and I sat up and smoothed my hair. He went to the door and let her in.
“I’ll go get popcorn.” I stood and ruffled Millie’s hair as I walked past her and out of the room.
When I got downstairs, Coach was sitting on the couch with his head against the back. He was sound asleep. I grabbed a throw blanket from the recliner to cover him. When I turned to go back to the kitchen, I saw Zach stumbling in with Brink.
I clenched my jaw. He was such a jerk tonight.
I went to the pantry and got the box of popcorn out.
“Why’d you bring me here? I said go to the cabin,” I heard Zach say in a slur.
“Because” is all I heard Brink say as he headed to the back of the house.
I looked at Zach as he came into the kitchen.
“Please be quiet. Your brother is trying to sleep.” I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave.
He looked shocked that I was there, and at that moment his emotions were visible. This Zach I could read, but then suddenly his face went back to jackass mode, like it had at the restaurant. He went to the fridge, grabbed a bottle of water, and then went through a door off the kitchen. He shut the door behind him.
My mind was racing as I put another bag of popcorn in the microwave and set the timer. I looked at the door where Zach was, and before I could talk myself out of it, I went in the room. It was a small office, and he kept the lights off. The moonlight shined brightly through the window and gave a soft glow to the office.
I found Zach sitting behind a desk with his head in his hands.
“You do not get to treat me like shit, Zach!”
He dropped his hands to his lap and looked past me instead of meeting my eyes. “What are you talking about? I haven’t even talked to you.”
“Exactly. And when you actually look at me, you look like I’m some worthless bitch! You don’t get to just act like we were nothing. I want to be friends, and it kills me that you don’t even talk to me anymore. I sent you several texts the first few days after we broke up with no replies!”
He stood and had to put his hand down on the desk to steady himself. “This is who I am, Hales. A jackass.” He didn’t sound angry or hurt. I could have handled those. He sounded defeated.
“No, you’re not,” I said quietly. I walked over to him and held his face in both of my hands. “No, you’re not, Zach.” He smelled like alcohol. He was wasted.
He gently moved my hands from his face. He sat back down. “Get away from me, Hales. I’m toxic.”
“Only because you’re choosing to be.”
I left the room and went to the kitchen. I put the popcorn into bowls and went upstairs. Dane already had a movie started. When he saw my face, his took on a concerned look.
I shrugged. “I’m fine.”
I brought the popcorn over and sat down next to Millie. She was between Dane and me. Millie took a handful as she watched Cinderella. Dane smiled a little at me and mouthed sorry. I smiled and shrugged. Dane put his arm around Millie’s shoulders and rested his hand on my arm. Dane probably didn’t realize it, but this was a perfect way to end the night.
It was our first game, and I couldn’t shake my nerves. I paced the dugout as I did arm stretches.
“How’s your arm feeling?” Coach asked as he came up to me. He was pale with dark circles under his eyes.
“Good, but you look terrible. Are you alright?”
“Just tired.” He looked at the team.
“Zach will be here soon to help out.”
“Then you’ll go home and rest, right?”
He smiled. “And miss the first game? Hell no.”
“Stubborn,” I laughed.
I found Dane talking to Trevor and Gabe. I put my hat over my hair that was braided to the side and smiled at them.
“So if we lose, all of you will die.”
Gabe laughed. “Dane, you need to calm your girl down! I believe that threat.”
Dane laughed. “You should. She’s dead serious.”
I nodded and looked across the field at the other team. They’re eyeing me up. They think I’m a weak girl. I can see it all over their faces.” I laughed evilly. “They’re going down.”
The guys all laughed.
Dane smiled at me. “Let’s beat their asses.”
I nodded. “Dead meat.”
I went and grabbed my glove, and Coach handed me a ball. We all took our places on the field and prepared for war.
WE LOST BY one point.
One stupid little point.
And it was my fault.
My parents stayed for a little bit after the game to talk to me. Dad shocked me by not getting mad at my pitch that blew the whole game. He and Mom both gave me words of encouragement, which didn’t help. I felt like a big loser.
I sat in the dugout, replaying the pitch that should have been thrown low, but I threw it right at the dude’s bat. Everyone was gone except for Coach, Zach, and Dane who were packing things up.
“Stop beating yourself up. You did great,” Zach said as he picked up the extra bats and slid them into a bag.
After he zipped the bag shut, he walked toward Coach and helped him up the hill to the truck. I grabbed the rest of the stuff and met Dane at his truck. I put the things I had in the back of his truck and got my car keys out of my backpack. I looked at Zach as he helped Coach get into the truck.
“He’s getting worse, isn’t he?” I asked Dane.
Dane nodded sadly. “Yeah, and it’s worse than we all think.”
“How do you know?”
Dane shrugged. “Zach is drinking a lot lately, and I think that’s why. I think he knows something we don’t.”
“He’s drinking a lot?”
Dane nodded. “I’m worried about them both.”
I furrowed my brows as I thought about Zach drinking. I took a deep breath and let it out, clearing my head.
“Dane? Can we hang out tonight? Just us. We haven’t really had a chance to do something just us two yet. But if you need to help with Coach, I get it. I won’t be mad.”
He smiled. “No, I want to go out.” He looked down at his uniform. “After a shower.”
We both laughed.
“Yeah, I need one too. I’ll drive over to your house in about an hour.”
He nodded, kissed my cheek, and then got in his truck.
AFTER MEETING DANE at his house, we got in his truck, and he drove me out of town to the lake near Zach’s cabin, but it was on the opposite side where the public area was. We sat on the tailgate and stared at the water. He was super quiet.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Just worried.” He took my hand in his and put our joined hands on my thigh.
“Talk to me, Dane. About anything.”
“Coach is really bad off, Hales. Elliot told me before I came here and got you. He’s dying.”
“What?”
He nodded. “They’ve stopped treatment. The doctors are giving him a year at the most.”
I shook my head. “This can’t be happening.”
Tears filled his eyes. “They’re telling Millie, Quinn, and Brink tonight. Zach was the only one that knew.”
I stood and moved so I was between Dane’s legs. I put my forehead to his and wrapped my arms around his neck. Tears fell down both of our faces.
“I’m here for you. The whole team will be there for each other. Don’t shut down on me, okay?”
This didn’t seem real. I was so sure Coach could beat this.
Dane put his hands on my hips. “I won’t.”
I kissed his lips gently.
He looked at me. “I don’t want to lose Elliot and Zach,” he whispered.
> “What do you mean? Zach isn’t going anywhere.”
“He’s already shutting down, Hales. He only talks to Elliot and Millie. He doesn’t talk to me, Brink, or Quinn.”
“Do you think that’s partly my fault?” I sat down on his lap.
He shrugged. “Not your fault, Hales, but I know he misses you and that just adds to everything.”
I sighed heavily. “Dane, tell me where your head is with us before I go all in? I don’t want to make this about me right now, but the last time I went all in, I got my heart broken. And with Coach’s news, I just want to be sure that this is okay for you.”
He put his chin on my shoulder and held me close. “It’s complicated. I do know that I don’t want to mess this up. I have to be honest though. I don’t know where my head is. All I seem to be able to focus on is my family. It’s the first real family I’ve ever had, and everyone is hurting, Hales.” He kissed the side of my neck. “I’m sorry, Hales. I love you. You’re my best friend, and while this feels so right with you, I don’t want to hurt you by jumping in too deep before we know for sure that it’s what we both want. I don’t want to mess up our friendship. All I ask is that we take this slow. We need to be careful.”
That’s not what I wanted to hear, but it was the truth. I got out of his lap and walked over to the lakefront. I kicked off my shoes and put my bare feet in the cool water.
“I’m sorry,” Dane said as he came over and took off his shoes. He stood beside me in the water. We both stayed quiet for several seconds.
“Explain taking it slow to me.”
“Dating, making out, talking...” He nudged my shoulder so I’d look at him.
I looked at him and nodded.
“Hales, I need you to answer a question honestly for me.”
“I’m always honest with you.”
He looked at the water. “I know, but this is a hard question.”
“Just ask me.”
He looked at me. “Do you love him?”
My heart skipped a beat. Damn, this was a hard question.
I chewed on the inside of my cheek and shrugged. I put my hands in the back pockets of my shorts and kicked at the water. I watched the water ripple, and once it was calm again, I looked at Dane.
“I honestly don’t know. With Zach everything happened so fast and ended even faster.”
He nodded and pulled me close. He kissed my head and just held me.
“What about you? Where’s your head at with Sadie?” I asked, keeping my head against his chest.
“I don’t know. We fell in love in the ninth grade, but that was so long ago and teen love. I always thought I still loved her, but now there’s you and me, and my head’s all over the place. I just don’t know.”
“Okay,” I said looking up at him. He kept his arms around my waist. “Now I get to ask a hard question.”
“If we go slow, how will we ever know if what we felt for Zach and Sadie was ever real or not? Don’t you think we need to see what it feels like to open our hearts to someone other than them?”
He played with my hair as he thought. “Yes, but if we go all the way and decide we’re better off friends, won’t that make things awkward for us? I can’t lose you as my best friend.”
“If that worries you, we should just call it quits now.” I frowned a little.
He groaned and put his forehead to mine. “Thinking things through sucks.”
“Then stop thinking so much.”
He moved his hands to my cheeks and gently rubbed them with his thumbs. “How about you make me stop thinking so much.” A crazy-sexy smile spread across his lips.
I laughed and took the his hat off that I had got him. I put it backward on my head, making him smile bigger. His hands moved up the back of my shirt, and I kissed him. As the kiss heated up, our hands explored each other’s skin.
Everything felt good.
So good.
The pleasure intensified when one of his hands moved to the front of my shorts, but something was… off. I searched for the raw emotions, the yearning to be closer, like I felt when I was with Zach. I swear, with Zach there was this current that seemed to course through my entire body. I quickly pushed those thoughts aside. Losing Zach was still so fresh on my mind that it would be normal to compare this moment with Dane to him.
I’ll be fine.
I lifted my arms over my head as Dane lifted my shirt. His hands moved over my bare skin until his fingers reached the hook of my bra. I panicked as he unhooked it, and my chest was fully exposed to him. All I could think about was Zach. He was hurting and mourning the impending death of his brother, and here I was about to fuck his other brother.
I stepped back from Dane quickly, covering my breasts with my hands. I grabbed my bra and shirt from the sand and put them back on as tears rolled down my cheeks. My hands trembled as I put them back on.
“Hales, talk to me,” Dane whispered.
Sobs escaped me as I looked at him. “I need to be there for him. All I could do was think about him being sad, Dane. I just need to be there for him right now and not fuck his brother.”
Dane smiled a little and came over to wipe my tears. “I agree. You do need to be there for him.” He hugged me. “I love you, Hales.”
“I love you, too,” I said as I calmed down. “And this doesn’t mean we’re done, okay? I just need to be a friend and be there for him. He needs to know that I’m not quitting on him.”
I looked up at Dane. “I won’t break your trust. If I feel at any moment that there are feelings for him that I can’t stop, I’ll tell you. You were right. We do need to take this slow. From this moment on, we are careful. Deal?”
He kissed me. “Deal.”
“I’m sorry.”
He laughed. “Nothing to apologize for. My mind is racing too.”
He took my hand and led me to his truck.
I stood outside Zach’s bedroom door for 15 minutes before I could bring myself to walk in. My fingers tightened around the knob and I went in. He was sound asleep.
I shut the door behind me and crawled into bed with him. I snuggled next to him and put my head against my favorite spot on his chest near his heart. Tears silently fell as I thought about Coach and how broken this family would be. Millie would be devastated. Their parents, Sam, and now Elliot. All tragic losses that they didn’t deserve.
Zach muttered something in his sleep and shifted. I looked up and watched as his eyes opened a little. He looked at me in confusion then jerked away from me.
“Shit!” He yelled as his head it the wall. He rubbed his head. “You about gave me a heart attack.”
I wiped my eyes and sat up.
He took notice of my tears and paled. “Elliot!” He jumped out of bed.
I grabbed his hand. “Zach, he’s fine.”
Zach looked back at me. His whole body was shaking. I didn’t let go of his hand as I got out of the bed. I wrapped him in a tight hug.
“Dane told me, and I needed to be here for you.”
He tensed for a moment then hugged me back. The hug didn’t last long before he pulled back and sat on the bed.
“You shouldn’t worry about me. I’m more worried about Millie.”
“I’m worried about all of you.” I sat next to him.
Zach ran a hand down his face. He looked like he hadn’t shaved in a few days by the hair growing on his face. He had dark circles under his eyes.
“Elliot goes back to the doctor Monday.”
I grabbed his hand. I didn’t know what to say. He gave it a little squeeze and stood.
“You shouldn’t be in here. I don’t want Dane—”
“He knows I’m in here.”
He rubbed his arm slightly. “Oh.”
“Zach, I’m here for you, and you’re just going to have to accept that.”
His lips twitched a bit. “I’ll try to.”
“Now get your ass back in bed. You look like hell.”
“I need to go check on Elliot
since I’m awake.”
“Dane is with him. Stop trying to find excuses to avoid me.”
His shoulders slumped some, and he sat back down on the bed.
“If you keep avoiding me, it will become too easy, and then that’s all you’ll do! I miss you, and it’s killing me that you can’t even make eye contact with me!”
“It hurts too much,” he admitted.
“What do you mean? You broke up with me, Zach! This is what you wanted.” I scoffed. “Wait, we didn’t ‘break up’ because according to you we were never dating! We stopped fooling around. Is that more your terminology?”
He winced a little at my words, but he tried to hide it with a shrug.
What was I doing?
He didn’t care, and he didn’t need this shit right now. Our drama was the least of his worries, and it should be. But I couldn’t shut up. He infuriated me too much to keep quiet.
“Maybe if you would’ve acted like you gave a shit that you broke my heart, I would have felt more confident about this whole thing with you! But you left me in your office to break into pieces alone! Dane was there, though! He’s always there even when shit gets hard! You ran away from us without a single fight. I told you I wanted to be friends because I thought that’s what you wanted! I’m being such a fucking crybaby right now, and I can’t stand it!”
“Dane is always there. He’s a good guy. I’m not. I’m an asshole and man-whore with no future. I think of no one but myself. Just leave me alone.” He had turned his back to me, looking at a picture.
“Fine. Just know I tried to be there for you because I care and never thought any of those things about you. Be alone for the rest of your lonely life. Fuck you, Zach.”
I shoved past him and slammed his door shut. I was shaking I was so pissed. I went down the opposite hall to Dane’s room. When I came in, Dane was lying back on his bed.
“I’m guessing the talk didn’t go well.”
“How loud was I?” I laid back beside him.
“Pretty loud.”
“Oops.”
I stared at the ceiling. “I just needed him to know I’m here for him, but he doesn’t want me to be there.” I sighed. “I’m just a huge distraction for this family.” I covered my eyes with my arm.
