by Sosie Frost
Julian answered for me. “Tried to knock up the first girl he saw so he could solve the problem the easy way.”
Tidus shrugged. “Sounds like a fun recuperation.”
Varius nodded. “And? How’d it go, Marius? Feel any better? Did you find yourself?”
The asshole knew the answer to that, but I couldn’t hit a man of God, even if he’d turned from that path. I clenched my jaw until I thought it’d shatter my teeth.
“We’re done. Give me my fucking leg. That’s an expensive piece of shit.”
Julian smirked. “You’re not getting the leg back until you see reason. Might mean you never walk again, but we’re okay with that. There’s enough of us here to take care of you. Probably the way a baby like you needs to be treated.”
“Fuck off.”
“Not anymore.” His tone shifted. Serious. Dire. “We’re a goddamned family, and it’s time we start acting like one. You’ve got a sister out there who’s terrified you’re gonna hurt yourself. You have four brothers equally frustrated that we gotta sit here and steal your fucking limbs to get you to talk to us. We aren’t putting up with this bullshit anymore.”
Varius agreed. “And now you’re pushing away the only person who gave you a reason to live.”
My smile was cold. “I’m not taking relationship advice from you. When was the last time you got laid, preacher?”
Varius shrugged. “I have no complaints.”
I pointed at Julian. “And you. You hate-fucked a girl, knocked her up, now you think you understand relationships?”
“You’re gonna tell us you don’t care about Gretchen?” Julian asked.
“It’s not about caring for her.”
“Do you love her?”
“Fuck off.”
Quint laughed. “I think he’s got a crush on her.”
Julian agreed. “Got more than a crush. He’s head-over-fucking-heels. And he should be. He’s balls deep in her most nights, trying real hard for a kid he suddenly doesn’t want.”
I pitched my chair across the room
It shut them up.
“Don’t you dare talk about Gretchen like that,” I said.
Julian smiled. “There it is. You can act all tough, Marius, but you ain’t hiding shit from us. Why did you break it off?”
And what point was there in lying?
They wanted to get all touchy-feely? They wanted to finally act like a family?
Then they could deal with the impossible situation.
“What would I have done with her?” I asked. “Knocked her up? Moved her ass to DC so she could get harassed by a bunch of pretentious, elitist fucks who don’t give a shit about the men they sent overseas? They made money off of blood, and they expected me to organize the sacrifices. Would have killed me. Would’ve ruined her.” I held my arms out. “Look at me. One leg. God only knows what else the explosion wrecked. There’s a shit ton wrong with me I’m not ready to admit, but in a couple years? She’ll have to deal with that shit. Why would I put her through that? Through any of this? I can’t offer her a good life. I can’t even…” I wouldn’t say it. Not yet. “I’m not good enough for her. I can’t give her what she deserves. All I’m doing is corrupting her.”
“Are you corrupting her…or is she softening you?” Varius asked. “She’s in love with you, man. Are you too stupid to realize it?”
“Why do you think I broke it off?” My voice cracked.
“Don’t you love her?”
“I’m not going to ruin her.”
“No,” Varius said. “You don’t want her to heal you.”
These assholes thought they knew everything.
They didn’t have a fucking clue.
Had no idea what I’d endured. What I’d lost.
What I’d never have.
“I got news for you,” I said. “I am healed. This is me. This is what’s left.”
“Then you are a goddamned pathetic man.” Julian frowned. “Especially when you know it’s not true.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know who you want me to be, but nothing is ever going to change.”
Varius sighed. “Not if you don’t try. Not if you don’t trust her. Not if you don’t give her a chance.”
“So I can destroy her?”
“So she can save you,” he said. “You’ve gotta forgive yourself for what happened. Heal. Realize that no matter what you wanted, what you had planned, Gretchen could’ve offered you a better life.”
Julian agreed. “And a kid? She wanted to give you a family? Fuck, why are you being so stubborn? Why not accept that gift?”
I kicked Quint away from the table and sunk into his chair.
Guilt hurt more than an amputation.
That was the question I’ve been asking myself all goddamned day.
Why not try? Why not just say the words?
Why not accept the consequences and hope for perfection?
“And what if I’m not a good enough man for her?” I asked. “What if I can’t give her everything she wants? What if there is something wrong with me?”
Varius didn’t seem the least bit concerned. Almost relieved me. “Then you let her help you. You let us help you. There’s a tremendous amount of good in you, Marius. You don’t need a baby to prove it. She already knows.”
Julian clapped a hand on my shoulder. “Call her. Don’t be an idiot. You can’t do this alone.”
“Yes, I can.”
My brother nodded. “Okay. Maybe you can do it alone. But why…when you could have us?”
And why would I ever want to be alone…
When I could have her?
21
Gretchen
Ambrose was gone.
The sky opened. A torrential sheet of rain pounded the earth. I sprinted down Main Street, calling for Ambrose, shaking a canister of treats, whistling.
I’d even broken out his old training clicker.
Nothing.
My dog was gone. The terror strangled me into utter panic.
What the hell had happened to him?
I’d woken late, but I was lucky I got up at all. A broken heart made sleeping in too damn easy. By the time I’d rolled out of bed, crawled into the shower, and faced the mid-afternoon, Ambrose had taken off. Kibbles still in his bowl, not a sign of him anywhere in the house, on the porch, or in the yard.
My best friend was missing.
My only companion…gone.
For five years, he’d been faithful. Never once did he run away—unless he’d managed to steal a bra and invented a new game with his desperate owner. But he knew not to go far. Hell, he rarely ever strayed from my side.
He stuck by me. Kept me safe.
Loved me.
With a broken heart, empty bed, and misery suffocating me, I had only him for comfort.
And now he was gone.
Something must’ve happened to him. I hated the thought, but every possibility raced through my head as I searched street after street in town. Butterpond wasn’t big, but people traveled fast on the roads. He might’ve attempted to herd a bunny or take a walk, drifted a little too close to the road…
And all it’d take was a careless driver…
This was my own fault. He was a smart dog, a well-behaved dog, but I never should’ve let him out of my sight. For all I knew, he’d been hurt. A car. An animal. It didn’t matter.
The thought of my best friend—hurt, lost…
Scared.
My chest ached. Every breath hurt, and the world swirled under my feet.
This wasn’t happening. Not now.
The rain drenched me. Within minutes, I was soaked to the bone. It didn’t matter. I searched Main Street anyway, calling his name between cracks of thunder. He knew his way around the town—knew which residents offered him treats, how to get to the park, which way to go home.
He probably hid out the storm. Question was…where?
I held myself, shivering as a gust of wind splattered me with cold, har
sh raindrops. The weather had turned; the trees shedding their leaves in a burst of remorseless autumn. The cold ached everything. My bones. My head.
My heart.
The tears fell. Not just for Ambrose, but for everything. For myself. For being so damn stupid.
All my life I’d been waiting, searching for the right moment, the right man, the right life. Like I’d know it when I saw it. Easy as that. I wouldn’t need to lift a damn finger to get it.
What a waste of time, energy, happiness.
First, I lost Marius. Then I’d lost my chance at a family. Now my dog? Jesus, he was all I had left. Then again, I’d created my own personal hell, losing the only salvation I had. Wasn’t like I’d ever tried to find any other happiness.
A car’s impatient honk blitzed from the road. It pulled over to the side, splashing me with an accidental puddle. I didn’t bother stopping. No one was going to prevent me from finding Ambrose.
Though Dad sure as hell was going to try.
The window rolled down. Dad hollered at me from the driver’s seat.
“Gretchen Murphy, get in this car! It’s storming!” He honked again but quickly realized the only way to get me to stop was to run me off the road. “Come on. Get in!”
“Ambrose is missing,” I said. “I have to look for him.”
“I know. I got your message. Get in the car. You can’t do anything for him until the storm passes. As soon as it stops pouring, will go out together to find him. Let’s get you dry.”
A car would cover more ground. I hopped into the passenger’s seat, rolling the window down as it fogged with condensation. Not that it did any good. My eyes blurred with tears as we passed street after street with no sign of Ambrose.
Dad squeezed my hand as we snaked the road to his house. I hopped out before he parked in the garage and raced to the end of the driveway. We owned a lot of property, and Ambrose knew every inch of it.
Maybe he’d come to Dad’s house?
Maybe he’d gone to the clinic, looking for a little fun or another dog to chase?
I called his name. Nothing.
I nearly sunk into the mud.
Dad took my hand, helping me into the house. He called for Chloe as he kicked off his shoes.
She made him take his shoes off?
“Sweetie, I found her!”
Chloe raced out of the kitchen, took one look at me, and yelped. She rushed to my side and helped me to the couch, immediately tossing a blanket over my shoulders.
“You are frozen to the bone,” she said. The blanket wasn’t enough. Chloe leaned over and hugged me. Hard. Rubbing warmth into my shoulders. “We’re going to go look for Ambrose as soon as the storm passes. In the meantime, I’m gonna get you something to drink. You’re freezing, and it’s not good. You take two sugars, right?”
How did she remember how I took my tea? Chloe hurried to the kitchen, hand on her bump as she prepared a kettle on the stove.
Dad collapsed on the couch next to me, flinching as Chloe chastised him from the kitchen for putting his muddy feet on the coffee table. He grumbled, but he reluctantly lowered his feet.
“I’ve live in this house for thirty years. You think I could put my feet on the furniture.”
I shook my head. “I used to yell at you for that too.”
“I know.” He wrapped an arm around me. “Are you okay, sunshine?”
No, I wasn’t. And I wouldn’t be. “Ambrose never runs away.”
Dad held me tight. “I know. But he’s a good dog. A smart dog. He’s not gonna go far. He’ll pop back home like nothing ever happened. You’ll see.”
“It’s all my fault.”
“Nonsense.”
But it was my fault.
For the past three days, I’d been a shell of a person. Moping about. Sleeping in. Not eating. Not moving. I’ve been so heartbroken, so crestfallen about my future I’d forgotten about my present.
Maybe I’d driven him away.
“I must’ve done something,” I said. “I scared him off. Or I made him angry.”
“Don’t be silly.”
“I tried to give him everything. The perfect home. A good future. We’d promised to be a part of each other’s lives. And this is what happens? He leaves? Without a word? Without saying anything?”
Dad frowned. “Gretchen…”
“And maybe he thinks he’s protecting me, but he’s not. I don’t need protecting. I just need him.”
He quieted. “We’re not talking about Ambrose now, are we?”
Why did it hurt so much? “Marius left me.”
Dad stiffened, but he kept his voice even. “Are you pregnant?”
I burst into tears. Heavy, terrible sobs. Ugly and racking.
“No.” I covered my mouth. It didn’t stop the words from tumbling out. “I think that’s why he left.”
“Sunshine…”
“All he wanted was a baby. And then…we tried…for months, Dad. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give him a child. And then he left.”
Dad offered me a tissue. “Was that really the reason?”
How was I supposed to know? Not like Marius had ever talked to me. Trusted me.
Loved me.
“It feels like it,” I said.
Dad nodded. “Do you love him?”
“He wouldn’t let me tell him.”
“Why not?”
I swallowed. “He said he was no good for me.”
Dad smirked. “Normally I would agree. No one’s ever going to be good enough for my little girl. But you loved him. You saw something in him. You planned an entire life and future with him.”
How stupid and naïve did I sound?
“He wasn’t the one,” I said. “But I fell for him anyway.”
“What do you mean, the one?”
My heart ached a little more. “I’ve always wanted what you and Mom had. That instant connection. You knew, from the first time you saw her, that she was the one.” I curled up next to him, my head on his shoulder. “She used to tell me stories about the first time she met you. She said she fell in love with you the instant you spoke—that she knew it was destiny. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, Dad.”
Dad rubbed my shoulder. “You know your mom was a hopeless romantic?”
It was one of her best qualities. “Yeah.”
“And you know you got that from her?”
“Yeah.”
He chuckled. “And you know she was a little crazy?”
I pinched him. “No, she wasn’t.”
“Gretchen, people don’t fall in love at first sight,” he said.
“Dad—”
“People never know if what they have will last forever. If they did, the world would be a lot easier. A lot happier. But that’s not how life works. I was lucky to have your mom, but it wasn’t love at first sight.”
“But she said—”
“There’s a spark, yes. And there’s something that can pull two people together, but it’s not instantaneous. It takes work, commitment, and an awful lot of courage to see it through.”
I sat up, clutching the blanket close. “You had to work with Mom?”
“Of course. Hell, it wasn’t love at first sight with Chloe either. It’s hard work to fall in love, sunshine. Even harder work to maintain it. To nourish it. To keep it real and honest. You have to take that step. Even if the world doesn’t approve, even if your family doesn’t approve, you have to know love will win out in the end.”
Tears prickled my eyes. “Dad, it’s not that I don’t approve—”
He understood. “You worry.”
“Always.”
“Well, we have that in common. I worry about you too. But you should know…I love Chloe, and she loves me. And you and Marius have that same connection.”
I shook my head. “You didn’t see him. You didn’t hear it in his voice. I don’t know if I can reach him.”
“Did you try?”
“He walked away from me. And now he’s s
o buried in his pain, he won’t let me in.”
Dad frowned. “Since when do you give up? Since when does my daughter let somebody else tell her what to do?”
“How am I supposed to fix him if he doesn’t want to fix himself?”
“How are you supposed to find a Happily Ever After if you’re not willing to take that chance?” He smiled. “You think it wasn’t hard falling in love with Chloe? I’m not an idiot. I know there’s an age difference. And I know what people think about me. They say I’m taking advantage. They think that she’s after my money. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. Your heart is what’s most important.”
The guilt raged at me. Heavy. I shook my head, but it didn’t clear. Damn. Dad had known all along. This whole time, he’d known I never approved of the match.
I’d never given him any encouragement. Any support. Hell, I’d broken in Chloe’s house to find a way to stop their wedding. To make sure they were honestly happy.
And they were. They loved each other, that much was obvious. She returned to the living room, offering me a mug of tea. She’d even remembered Dad’s coffee—decaf after seven, two creams, one sugar.
She took his hand. Squeezed it tight. Rubbed her tummy.
Who was I to question what they had?
Who was I to break them up?
I wanted Dad to be happy. And if Chloe brightened his life?
“I know it’s not my place…” Chloe sipped her own tea, something floral and herby. Probably for the babies. “But I might be able to help…”
At this point, no one could help, but I was willing to listen. “It’s really complicated, Chloe.”
“But I saw the way Marius looked at you at the wedding. How much he cared for you. He’s just hurting, Gretchen. We all are in some way. Falling in love isn’t easy in this world, not when there’s so many rules to follow, so many expectations, so many people who would judge you or think they know better or just don’t understand. But you can’t let anyone stop you…even Marius.”
Dad agreed. “If you love this man, and he’s in trouble, then you need to do everything in your power to make him see it. Give him the life he deserves.”
My words trembled. “But I can’t give him a baby.”
Chloe took my hand. “But you can give him a life. You can give him happiness. Love. Forgiveness. Babies never happen overnight…not unless you’re very lucky.” She glanced at Dad with a sly smile. “But love can. And as long as you’re willing to work at it, as long as you want to make the sacrifices, then you’ll have something just as precious as a baby. You’ll have that promise. And it’s stronger than any vows, late night feedings, or diaper changes.”
