by S Doyle
Jake
August
“Jake! Jaaaaaake. I know you can hear me!”
“Is she fucking serious?”
I asked the question of no one in particular, as I was currently alone. Ellie was in the kitchen, studying up on some breeding research I had given her. At first I thought it was some background noise on the television.
“Jake Talley, you bastard! Come out here and face me like a man!”
Janet. Janet was outside the house, screaming. Resigned, I got up and walked over to the front door. Ellie was coming out of the kitchen with an expression on her face that basically alluded to how completely awkward I felt in that moment.
“Maybe she found out about your trip,” Ellie offered.
What the fuck? Why would she even suggest that? Technically, Ellie didn’t even know about what happened on that trip. That trip was not to be discussed. It happened. It was over.
“Did you tell people…”
She was shaking her head. “Nope. Not a soul. Not even Chrissy, who is probably my biggest vault, and when I say vault I mean she tells all my secrets to anyone who wants to know them.”
“Why are we talking about my trip?”
This didn’t make sense. It was like Ellie was bothered by it, which would have been a complete contradiction since she was the one who encouraged it.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Why is Janet out front calling you a bastard?”
Because she was Janet. The past few weeks I had been getting texts, which I suspected were written under the influence of alcohol. Apparently this was going to be the culmination of those texts.
I opened the front door. And she was in her car, not cool, sitting on the driver seat door, shouting at me over the roof of her car.
“Janet, what the hell are you doing here?”
“I wanted to tell you in person you ruined my fucking life. You ruined my life, Jake!”
That’s when I saw the bottle in her hand. If I had to guess, this was a result of tequila. On the plus side, there weren’t a lot of cars on the road at night in Riverbend where she could have hurt someone. On the downside, driving into a ditch and getting stuck, she could go days without being found.
Not cool.
“I’m going to get my shoes and drive you home.”
“Fuck you!” she screamed back.
I stepped back inside the house and made my way upstairs. Ellie followed without saying anything, but when I came back down the stairs she also had a pair of cowboy boots on over the leggings she was wearing.
“I’ll follow in the truck so she has her car.”
“It would serve her right to leave it out there. She’ll sober up and realize what an ass she made of herself.”
Then Ellie laid her hand on my arm. “Don’t be too harsh, okay? You guys were together for two years and if it wasn’t for me…”
“Ellie, this isn’t about you.” The truth was I had been procrastinating the whole time with Janet for this reason. I never saw her as the one. I wasn’t so romantic that I thought magic was waiting out there somewhere for me, so yes, I had considered marrying her and building a life regardless. Except I never pulled the trigger, which I always suspected was my gut telling me to walk away.
“It is,” she insisted. “You don’t know what might have happened if I had gone to the foster home. You wouldn’t have had all this pressure on the relationship. It could have been different. Which is why I’m saying give her a break. She loved you.”
Did she? Did Janet love me? Or did she love the idea of being married to me?
We came out to the front porch and I shut the door behind me. Ellie would be following, so no point in locking up.
Except when Janet saw Ellie it only egged her on.
“Oh goodie! The wife. Hi Ellie! What’s it feel like knowing you stole my future? My life. My children’s lives!”
The closer I got to her I realized what rough shape she was in. Her face was blotched, her eyes swollen. Worse was the anger she wore all over her face. It transformed her from pretty to ugly.
“Not great,” Ellie answered her question. “Sorry.”
“Sorry! Now you’re sorry, you little shit. Why couldn’t you have just fucking gone away?”
“Enough Janet,” I barked. She wasn’t going to do this. She wasn’t going blame Ellie for us breaking up. As much as Ellie wanted to take the blame, I knew better.
She glared at me and turned her scowl in Ellie’s direction. “Tell me, little girl, is he teaching you how to give him blow jobs? Because apparently if you don’t do them right you’re not enough of a woman for him.”
“I said enough!” I shouted. I wasn’t much of a shouter, mostly because I didn’t lose my temper very often. But Janet was currently pushing me to the edge. The point being since I didn’t use that tone very often, when I did it was effective.
She shut up.
“Move over, Janet. I’m driving you home.”
Ellie was already making her way to the truck, which was parked under a portico near the side of the house.
Janet obeyed, thankfully, and as soon as I got in the driver seat I could smell how bad it reeked of tequila. She’d dropped the bottle between her feet and bent over her knees.
“Are you going to be sick? Because if you are I would appreciate you not doing that in the car.”
“No,” she mumbled.
I started the engine and pulled down the driveway, checking to see Ellie was behind me, although she knew where the Carter farm was. A horse farm not five miles outside of Riverbend. Janet had lived there all her life.
We were about ten minutes into the drive when she started sobbing. I had to force myself to ignore it.
“You were everything to me,” she cried.
“What’s my favorite thing?” I asked her before I could think better of it.
“What?”
“My most favorite possession. The one thing that brings me joy.”
Her jaw dropped and maybe it wasn’t fair. She was tanked out of her mind. Then I could see her sneering again. “Your savings, Jake. Your fucking money so you can buy your fucking land back.”
I had no response, because really there was nothing to say. I drove her out to her folks’ place and she shot out of the car without saying anything. I swiped the bottle of tequila from the floor of the car as payment.
Ellie pulled in behind me and rather than move to the driver side, which I would normally do, I got inside as a passenger.
“You’re letting me drive?”
“Go.”
“Wait. You are letting me drive you? Are you going to tell me how to drive the whole way home, because I need to prepare myself for the mansplaining if that’s going to be the case.”
I took the cap off the bottle and took a swig. Tequila wasn’t my favorite, but a few shots would guarantee I could pass out when we got back to the house.
“Go now.”
“Yes, sir.”
I’m not sure why I did it. Maybe it was the two shots of tequila. Maybe I was rubbed raw from the experience with Janet. The tears, the accusations. Maybe a little guilt, but I decided that was bullshit. I didn’t ruin her fucking life.
“Ellie, what’s my favorite thing? My favorite possession?”
She looked over at me and I could tell she was freaked out by the question. Still, she didn’t hesitate. “Duh. Wyatt. You love that horse. Not going to lie, maybe just a little too much, Jake.”
I did love that horse too much. Riding him across the land was absolutely the thing that brought me the most joy in this world.
Ten
Ellie
September
At the end of summer Jake and I took the our herd to market and made a profit. Except with a more health-conscious America, beef prices were down overall, so it wasn’t what we had cleared in years past, which was disappointing.
Still, I wanted to give Jake a raise in salary because of all the extra work he’d done, but he refused to accept
it. The twenty thousand dollars my dad bequeathed to him, which I would pay out after our divorce, was going to be a strain on cash flow next year and we had to plan accordingly for that.
It was crazy to think how each year was a total crap shoot in this business. We had profitable land, a ranching operation worth millions, and yet by the time I paid Javier, Gomez, Jake, and taxes, then accounted for the business costs going into the next season, I had a pretty tight cash margin to live on for the next year.
It made me understand my dad better. In so many ways Sam Mason was one of the coolest, most easygoing guys around. Living with him, obviously I knew there were layers under all that. I saw the stress in his eyes each year before he went to market.
I understood it now, the pressure he was under year in and year out. I knew what it meant to budget. To want things and know what I could and could not afford.
I remember asking my dad when I was fifteen if I could have a new car when I turned sixteen, because I knew my destiny was not my mom’s ancient Subaru.
He laughed in my face. Now I got how ridiculous I was.
It was fine. I wasn’t really into clothes and stuff. Jake and I replenished what we needed. Which was mostly jeans and work shirts. Except today was Jake’s birthday, which meant we could splurge on dinner out.
The diner was a big deal for us, because Jake hadn’t been back since his standing dates with Janet ended. Janet, who by the way, had officially left Riverbend. Word had it she’d gone to work at a hospital in Missoula. I did really wish her the best. Maybe I never thought she was the one for Jake, but it didn’t mean I didn’t want her to find happiness with someone.
When Jake pulled up the truck to park at an angle in front of Frank’s, it seemed weird to me.
Every summer except this past one I would have spent most of my time in town. Hanging with Chrissy, Karen, and Lisa. Sitting in the diner for hours, gossiping and eating cheese fries. Frank made cheese fries with real American cheese. Delicious.
This summer I had barely made it in to town. And only then because Jake had insisted I get away from the ranch. Chrissy, Karen, Lisa, and I had gone to see a bad movie.
It had been fun. But in some ways it had been sad. Because everything they had talked about seemed like a million miles removed from my life.
Boys and clothes and hair and who did we think was going to hook up this year. What was senior week going to be like? What was going to be the theme of the homecoming dance?
Meanwhile I was worried about beef prices, ranch expenses, being on my own once I turned eighteen… and well, just about everything they weren’t concerned about. It was sobering.
“You okay?” Jake asked me.
“Yeah. It’s been a while since I’ve been to Frank’s. I hadn’t realized.”
“I know. I’m craving some chili.”
He got out of the truck and I followed. When we walked into the diner, heads turned. Jake got a bunch of chin nods and hat tips.
Me… I could feel it. The Weird Married Ellie vibe. Jake and I had been living together out on the ranch now for nine months. Something that had become totally normal for us. Except when I saw it through the lens that folks in town saw us through, we were weird again.
I wasn’t going to let it ruin dinner though. We picked a booth on the left and got in on either side. Just then Bobby MacPherson, who was dating Susan (having dumped Lisa again) passed us to pay for their dinner at the counter. Jake’s gaze on him the whole time was ominous. Dare I say deadly.
“Will you stop,” I whispered. “You’re going to make a scene.”
“I’m reminding him, it might be a new school year but the rules are the same.”
Right. I was officially not open for business. Which should have been super upsetting, but again it really wasn’t. Right now boys did not compare to the importance of cows in my life. How sad was that?
“Yep. Got it. I’m going to be a perma-virg,” I muttered as I opened the menu.
“Ellie, I’m not having—”
“This conversation with me, I know. I think I want pasta.”
“Hey Jake. Hey Ellie. Long time no see.” Kathy came to our table. She wore jeans and a nice T-shirt. Frank didn’t bother with waitress uniforms.
“Hey Kathy,” we said at the same time.
“I don’t think I’ve seen either of you two in here all summer. You two keeping busy at the ranch?”
It was such an innocent question, but as soon as the words left her mouth I could see her face turn red as she realized what a double entendre that was. It wasn’t intentional. She wasn’t trying to be salacious, but if you took it the wrong way, keeping busy had a whole knew meaning and Kathy knew it.
Jake, however, was impervious.
“Yep. Big ranch, a lot to do.”
Kathy quickly recovered. “Oh, that’s good. Glad it hear it. Coke for you, Jake and diet for you, Ellie.”
We both nodded and she left.
I looked at him then and wondered. Did he really not see it? Did he really think people weren’t a little suspicious of us?
Or maybe it was me, and I was the one overthinking it.
“Going to head out to the property this weekend. I want to check on the house.”
The property was code for Jake’s land, only he didn’t want to call it his land because technically it wasn’t his yet. It was like he was trying not to jinx himself.
“How was it last time?”
He grimaced. “Standing, but that’s about it. I only need four walls and roof, and it will do until I can get up on my feet. I’m worried about the condition of the barn, though.”
I had no doubt he would see to Wyatt’s comfort before his own. That’s the kind of cowboy Jake was.
“You should have taken the raise I offered. You could start fixing things up sooner.”
“There will be plenty of time come May.”
I nodded. May. When this whole thing would be over and we would move on with our lives.
It was good that he was so focused on that. On the future. On his dream.
Really really good.
I had spaghetti and meatballs and he had the chili. When we got back to the house I gave him his birthday present. Fur-lined work gloves for winter. He loved them.
And red velvet cake with cream cheese icing.
It was his favorite.
Ellie
October
So life was rolling along. School continued to be school, boys continued to ignore me, and I tried to focus on my grades, mostly because Jake insisted, but really what was the point?
I was going to be rancher. Did I really have to know geometry?
It was so crazy to think about the things that used to upset me BDD (Before Dad Dying) and now.
BDD: When was I going to finally lose my virginity?
Now: Did I know enough to handle running a fairly large cattle ranch? Was I making a mistake even trying to do this?
BDD: Were Chrissy and Karen hanging out without me? More importantly, were they talking about me?
Now: I hoped Chrissy and Karen got to hang, because I had no time to see them. I hoped they wouldn’t forget me completely. Maybe talk about me once and a while.
BDD: Was Jake going to marry Janet?
Now: Who was Jake sleeping with?
Yeah, I’m not going to lie. Those thoughts started to creep in. I guess it happened after the trip to Missoula, because I knew why he’d gone. I knew he’d had sex with someone else. Heck, I was the one who encouraged him to do it.
I hadn’t accounted for how it was going to make me feel. I tried not to think about it.
I tried really hard.
Then, what I came to forever refer to as #penisgate, happened.
“Hey,” I called out when I heard the back door open.
“Damn it Ellie! The shoes.” Shoot, I had made a mental note to get them before Jake got home. Jake always griped when I left my shoes by the door because he inevitably tripped over them and Jake didn’t
like tripping.
“Sorry! My mental note got lost.”
“Whatever,” Jake returned.
“How cold is it outside?”
Weather was a new thing in my life.
Again, BDD I didn’t think much of it. Certainly I knew I had to respect it. Dad had taught me that much. Winters were no joke—snowstorms could be deadly to people as well as cattle, and as a ranching family our livelihood depended on having the cattle survive each season.
So yeah, weather was something I understood. Now it was something I obsessed about. How cold could it get? What could cattle survive in and what couldn’t they? How many calves could we store in the barn, how many head could survive in the pen? When did we hook up the running line from the house to the barn and the barn to the pen? Before it started snowing, or could I wait to see how bad it got?
All of these things were new to me. Things I had always trusted my dad to take care of for me.
“Colder than a witch’s tit,” he said as he came into kitchen.
“I don’t even get that. You’re saying what? That witches have cold skin in general or is it just their tits?”
He thought about it. “Yeah, I don’t know either. It’s October. It’s cold, kiddo. What do you want me to tell you?”
I glared at him. “You know I hate kiddo. You know I hate it. Every time you say it I tell you I hate it, and you still say it.”
He smiled fiendishly. “Chill out, kiddo. It’s a term of affection.”
“It’s a term that identifies me as a child, which I’m not. One hundred and eighty-nine days, Jake.”
“Yeah, yeah. What’s for dinner?”
It was my night to cook so I was standing at the kitchen island, mincing garlic. That’s right. This girl could mince garlic with the finest chefs in the land. Inseminate cows, heard cattle, mince garlic.
It was an all-around education I was getting.
“Steak and mashed potatoes.”
“Awesome. I’m going to go up and take my shower. I’ll be down in ten.”
“You have to use my shower.”
“Why?”
“I’m cleaning yours with special stuff that gets mold off the tile. You should have told me how gross it was getting in there.”
