by Claire Gough
I feel so safe in his huge, manly arms. His lips gently brush my cheek and linger there.
“We were actually on our way up here to stay with Jill to see the lights. I can still see it clearly. Some drunk driver in a Land Rover swerved into our car.” I have no clue why I’m telling him this. Maybe because I need to say it.
“You were with them?”
I nod. “Yeah, they were bringing me to see the illumination.” I hear him sigh.
“Does it get any easier?”
“I guess so. The pain never goes away. You just learn to deal with it. In some ways, I’m lucky to have Jill.”
“Some ways? I'd say you’re extremely lucky to have each other, Alex.” He rubs my arm.
“I know I am, Fin, but...” My voice shakes. At least he can’t see the tear that just slid down my face. “I look at Jill and wonder if that’s what my mom would have looked like now. Jill looks so much like her, right down to her lips and nose.” I smile at the memory of my mother’s face. “And I know she sometimes looks at me and sees her sister. I know she looks into my eyes and wonders where her sister would be now… I have my mother’s eyes.”
I stop before I’m engulfed with tears. I clear my throat and wipe my cheek with my hand. Fin studies the side of my face. I can’t look at him right now. Can’t see the pain in his eyes I know is there.
“I'm sorry I bought it up,” he says, his voice vibrating through my body. I lean closer, needing the comfort.
“Please, stop apologising.”
I clear my throat. “So, Finnley, Man of Mystery, tell me something about yourself.” I try to let out a laugh, but feel him stiffen. Did I just cross a line somehow?
He sighs. “Okay.” He pauses. “I don’t know if I have a job to go back to when I go home.”
I feel his breathing stop. I don’t know if he knows he’s holding his breath or whether it’s just his reaction to trying to predict what I’m going to say.
I shift my weight and turn to look at him. “Are you serious?” I ask, studying his face the best I can in the dim light.
He sighs. “Yeah.”
“Do the guys know?”
“Brad does.”
I sit and watch his face, trying to take everything in. He finally turns to look at me.
“How do you not know if you have a job or not?” I ask.
He licks his lips. “In big factories, they usually give you a point system based on sick days, years of service, any disciplinaries on your record, things like that. So if they ever need to make redundancies, they do it fairly, based on people’s points.”
My heart sinks for him as he finally opens up a tiny bit.
“A while back, I needed some time off. Now I think I’m going to lose my job over it.”
I turn around more and rest my hand on his chest, looking into his eyes. I see his pain, but he smiles briefly at me.
“When will you know?” I ask, not sure if I want an answer to that.
“After shutdown is over, so as soon as I get back. I know I have twenty-eight points. They are looking to get rid of people who have over twenty, so I could be gone. It just depends on how many people have more than I do and how many people they want to get rid of.” He shrugs.
“So they tell you this before you have two weeks off so you can dwell on it?”
He nods, giving me a heavy smile. “Pretty much.”
“I can’t believe you just told me that,” I whisper.
“You asked.”
I move so my back is flush against his chest again. He rests his chin on my head and pulls me closer.
“What will you do? I mean, will you be able to afford to live?” I ask, wishing I had just let it drop. He doesn’t want to think about the possibility of losing his job while on holiday.
“Yeah, I should be okay. I live with Brad right now. He'll help me out until I find a new job. That’s how I actually met him and the guys. Brad put up an ad for a roommate. I begged him to let me have the room, even though I didn’t have a job or money. Once I moved in, he got me the job.
“Cole and Jay live across the hall from us. Rebecca, Jay's girlfriend, basically lives there, too…until he can man up and ask her to marry him.” He chuckles.
I nod. “Seeing as we’re sharing, fancy sharing your first name, Finnley?” I ask, hoping to lighten the mood. He laughs. My heart swells that I managed to make him laugh after such a dark conversation.
“Nice try, Miss Duke.” He plants a kiss on my head.
“We need light.”
I scurry up before he can stop me and flip on the lights. When I turn back around, I catch a glimpse of Fin I didn’t expect to see. All his defences are down and he looks relaxed, even peaceful. His head rests against the window as he looks out at the dark sea. I would love to know what he’s thinking right now. He looks at me, his defences seeming to go right back up. I walk back over and look down at him, having no clue what to do. Do I sit back down? That’s what I want to do, but should I? Should I sit farther away from him?
Before I think too much about it, he grabs my hand and pulls me down until my lips meet his. His hand slides to the back of my neck, deepening the kiss. My hands thread through his hair. As soon as his tongue begins to search my mouth, I feel the familiar heat spread through my body.
I pull away and rest my forehead on his, tucking a stray blonde hair behind my ear. His eyes are still closed and he looks peaceful, except for the fact he's trying to catch his breath.
“Thank you,” he whispers and opens his eyes.
“For what?”
“For making it so easy to talk about things.”
I bite my lip. I know I’m blushing, but I can’t help it. He turns me around and slides his hands around my waist, pulling me back between his legs. I curl up in his arms once more. Just like that, I feel safe and warm again.
I knew the sunshine couldn’t last. I stare out the window at the grey sky. It looks like normal weather has returned to Blackpool. The Driftwood is at full capacity now, so I'm in cleaning mode. You can tell I mean business today because I’ve got my earphones in my ears, bopping from room to room. It's 1:30pm and I haven’t even gotten the sheets in the washer yet. I don’t mind so much. I mean, it’s not like I’m missing the only day of sun. That was yesterday, and I definitely made the most of it.
A smile plays on my lips as I remember spending time with Fin during the day. It was great, but it doesn’t compare to last night. I feel closer to him. I know what I learned about him only scratched the surface, but I feel like I actually understand him a little now.
I bundle up all the sheets I can carry, then walk to the utility room, stifling a yawn as I bop around to the music coming through my earphones. Of course, after spending the most of the night wrapped up in Fin's arms, I had to call my darling best friend…pointless as that was. All I got was abuse about how I should “Give in and shag him already.” The more she bugs me to break one of my precious rules, the more stubborn I become about keeping them.
When a hand grabs my shoulder, I squeal and spin around, quickly pulling my earphones out of my ears.
I look at Jill, who is now laughing uncontrollably. I place a hand on my chest, trying to calm my heart.
“Sorry, sweetheart,” she says as she tries to control her giggles. “I thought you'd be here. I just wanted a quick word. I didn’t mean to scare you, though.”
I take a few unsteady breaths and nod.
“I know you don’t usually work on weekends, but Alistair and I have been invited to a sixties night this Saturday. Tribute acts to some of our favourites. We’d like to go, but I wanted to check with you first.”
I smile. I know how much they love their music. “I’ll hold down the fort.”
She leans in and hugs me tightly. Her white hair smells like her lime-scented shampoo. As she releases me, I see a look of excitement on her face.
“Thank you. I can’t wait to tell Alistair!”
Smiling, I pick up my earphones, which
have been dangling around my neck, and start to put them back into my ears.
“Oh, Alexis…” Jill turns in the doorway.
I pause with the earphones in my hand. “Yes?”
“I like the Irish fellow.”
I frown. “Irish fellow?” When I realise who she means, panic shoots through me “Oh, you mean Fin?” She nods, smirking at me. I wish I could hate that knowing smirk, but I just can’t. “He isn’t Irish, Aunt Jill. Fin is just a nickname.”
I see slight panic cross her face. I know she hates using nicknames. As suddenly as it appears, it’s gone. She shrugs. “Either way, I like him. He seems nice.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I ask, a little scared of the answer.
“Just thought I'd let you know that he seems like a nice boy.”
She breezes through the door before I can ask anything else. I know that was her way of saying she approves. I also know I won’t be able to use her if I need an excuse not to see Fin if I need it.
Ah, dammit.
I stuff the last load of sheets into the dryer and sigh loudly, looking at the clock on the wall. 2:38pm. That’s it for me today. I look at my phone. I haven’t heard from Fin since breakfast, which is okay. He’s not actually the reason I can’t stop looking at my phone. My heart speeds up when I see what I have been waiting for. I have an email.
I quickly open the emails from the estate agents. My body trembles, my eyes won’t focus. I lean against the dryer as I calm my breathing and read. I have viewings! I quickly reply, letting them know I will be there, then put my phone back into my pocket. My heart feels like it’s going to beat right through my chest. Thoughts of Jill and Alistair filter into my mind, but I try and shut them out. I have to. If I start thinking about telling them I am doing this, I will break down. Right now, I need to keep focused on the fact I have two viewings that could possibly change my life.
I shut the door to the utility room and walk back through the kitchen. I want to get back to my room so I can process how I feel about all this. Where I can cry, laugh, dance, clap, maybe cry some more without anyone seeing me.
Just as I put my hand on the door to the living quarters, the front door opens. Fin and Cole walk through, talking, Jay and Brad right behind them. They seem to be in deep conversation about something, but as soon as Fin sees me, he smiles. Cole looks at the floor and runs his hand through his long, dirty blond hair.
Seeing Fin smiling at me like that does nothing to calm my erratic heartbeat. If I don’t sit down soon, I’m sure my knees are going to buckle on me.
“Hey,” he says, his smile fading a little as he cocks his head and furrows his brows.
“Hey.” I look at the closed door to the living quarters, then back at him, judging if I should just make a break for it. I just want to think about this on my own, adjust to it.
“Are you free any time soon?” he asks as the other guys walk through the lobby and up to their rooms.
“Um… I don’t know.” Again, I look at the door that leads to the safety of my room.
“Are you okay?” He gently takes hold of my biceps and looks down at me, frowning, his eyes filled with concern. I sigh as I look in those gorgeous eyes, smiling a little when I realise his touch has calmed me down a bit.
“What do you have in mind?” I ask.
His hands fall from my arms. I can tell he’s trying to figure out why I’m not myself right now. “Well, the guys are talking about going to The Pleasure Beach, but if you don’t want to, we could hang out here or pop out for a drink or a walk.”
“The Pleasure Beach sounds good.” I nod and try my best at a smile. I know he’s not convinced because he's still frowning at me.
“Bee agreed to meet us there in half an hour, if that helps.”
I smile, even though I feel bad he thinks him being there isn’t enough to make me want to go, that he must add my best friend into the mix to sweeten the deal.
“Fin, I would love to go with you. Just give me a few minutes to get ready. Meet you back here in five.” I reach out and run my hand over his arm reassuringly before walking to my room.
Once inside, I throw myself onto the bed and stare at the ceiling. My first viewing is tomorrow afternoon!
I jump up and quickly change out of my work clothes and throw on some black jeans and a yellow jumper. The Pleasure Beach is one of the main attractions in Blackpool. It’s a huge fair right near the sea, so it isn’t known for being the warmest place.
I walk to the living quarter’s door and poke my head around it. Fin is in the hallway, leaning against the wall. His eyes land on me as soon as I walk out the door, a smile spreading across his face. He looks gorgeous in his dark blue jeans and black long-sleeve Grandad shirt that hugs his body as tightly as I would like to right now. He pushes off the wall. I can smell him from across the lobby. He smells just as amazing as he looks. I hear the other guys talking at the bar.
“We ready, guys?” I call loudly, hearing movement. Fin's eyes don’t leave me as I slide on my coat. He walks back into the lounge briefly to retrieve his leather jacket.
“Let's do this! Cole is scared of heights, so first person to get him on the big one wins a tenner.” Jay grins.
“I am not scared of heights!” Cole protests as Jay pushes him out the door.
“Bee is meeting us there,” Brad says, turning up the collar to his denim jacket, ready to fight the breeze off the sea as he walks out.
When I am alone with Fin, his eyes stare right through me.
“Are you ready?” I ask. He nods as he walks to the door and holds it open for me.
We walk in silence for a few minutes until Fin says, “You seem different today. Distant.”
I can’t help but smile. As much as I don’t want him to be able to read me, it seems he already can.
“I just have a lot on my mind.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see him nod. “Did you guys have a good morning?” I know I will tell him about the viewings eventually, just not yet. Saying it out loud makes it real, and I don’t think I’m ready for that right this minute.
“Yeah. We actually practiced a little, thanks to Cole’s friend who lives here. Remember I told you about the guy who got us our first gig? He also has a rehearsal room. Mark’s a good guy.”
I gulp. Mark? As in Bee's ex who she dropped for Brad? “Did it go well?” It’s the only thing I can think of to say. I’m sure Brad will find out at some point anyway.
“Yeah, I think so. I’ve written some new songs, so we’re trying to put cords to the lyrics, which is always fun.”
I nod, wanting to hear these new lyrics. I know by the time they’re turned into a song, he'll be gone from my life.
“Agh, my girl!” I hear a familiar voice scream as we stand in the queue to get into The Pleasure Beach.
Arms grab me from the side, pulling me into an ample bosom. Fin still has hold of my hand as I try to breathe. I know it’s Bailey from her familiar Hugo Boss perfume.
Once she's hugged me and kissed my cheek, leaving what I’m guessing is a lovely red lip mark on my skin, she looks at my hand in Fin's. She smirks as she leaves me and kisses Brad. I shake my head as I watch her bounce around, not a care in the world.
Everyone buys their ticket and walks through ahead of me and Fin. Before we reach the desk, Fin pulls me to one side. I look up at him, confused.
“You don’t have to do this,” he says, holding my forearms like I might run off if he lets go. “If you want to go somewhere else, anywhere else, that’s fine. I don’t want you to do this to try and make sure I spend time with my friends. We can go somewhere…just us.”
“I want to be here, Fin. With you, with Bee, with the guys. Honestly, I do.” I stand on my tiptoes to kiss his lips lightly. He closes his eyes, like my lips on his are the most important thing to him in this moment.
“Okay,” he whispers, opening his eyes again. He smiles, pulling me back to the desk before I change my mind.
Being at The Pleasure Beac
h with tourists is better than I could have imagined. Growing up, Bee and I used to come here all the time. Back then, it was free to enter. You just paid for the rides you went on. We used to just hang around and watch boys… Well, Bee did. I was mainly here for the doughnuts. But we haven’t been since we were teenagers.
Some things have changed, but others haven’t. Seeing it through somebody else’s eyes is so much more fun. The old photo boards are still dotted around the place. The guys had their photos taken with their heads stuck through the holes—one was the big lady and the other was the tiny man. Bee and I got our photo taken, too. I was the man and she was the female blowing me a kiss.
As we walk around aimlessly, I notice we seem to have broken off into twos. Fin and I walk hand in hand, the same as Bee and Brad. Cole and Jay munch on candy floss, even though I told them it was a bad idea. Sugary treats and roller coasters don’t mix, but no one listened to me.
“Oh, come on. You have to.” Brad tugs on Fin's jacket, just like Bee sometimes does with me. His carefree attitude matches Bee's perfectly. I wonder if she'll miss him when he leaves at the end of the week.
“It’s not even sunny. You’re mental,” Fin laughs. Bee looks at me from behind Brad and smirks.
“Come on. It’ll be fun, just the two of us,” she says, pulling Brad toward the log flume.
Jay and Cole head to the queue for the Pepsi Max in an attempt to prove Cole isn’t afraid of heights. Fin and I walk toward the queue for the Avalanche, the only roller coaster without a proper track. It’s built to be like a bobsled in a tube, and it honestly scares the shit out of me. Always has.
I look at Fin as he leans on the rope barricade in front of us, watching his friends disappear into the crowd. He seems relaxed, albeit a little quiet, as more people join the back of the queue. I slide my hands around his waist and up his back, pulling him to me. His arms snake around me.
“Are you okay?” he asks, shuffling me along with the queue, not taking his arms from around me.
“Yeah, just needed a hug.” I smile as I press my head into his chest, breathing in the familiar scent of his aftershave.
