A lone wander travels in a strange world. That is how I feel about myself. Ever since I came here, I have experienced panic, depression and frustration, but never loneliness. Either surrounded by family members or occupied by the desire of survival, I have had no time feeling lonely or self-pity.
But now in the dark snowy winter night, at the door to a banquet, I do feel alone.
I have always thought I am very fortunate to be Shiaonu, who has been loved by everyone in her family. Although there is the issue of arranged marriage, but it is the custom here with all the right intension. I cannot ask them to understand a totally different mindset from two thousand years later. It is just an obstacle I need to take care of. And for everything else, I have been doing well.
I raise my head, through the spaces between bamboo curtains, I see a roomful people, either sitting on their heels with a table of food in front of them or standing along the wall ready to serve the guests. But in my eyes, they have been absorbed by a different dimension. I see them laughing, I see them talking, and I see them looking around, but none of them making any sound, they become silent, just like watching a movie with the volume completely turned off and I am the only audience in the dark theater.
I don’t know how long my mind has been drifting until I feel a strong lifting from underneath my right arm. I shake my head trying to get out of the trance state I am in. But it lingers with me.
The strong and steady force pulls open the curtain and drags me crossing the lighted hall. I turn and recognize the face of Huo Qubing, who is just as I remembered, with his lips tightened. He looks mad. And somehow I sense his anger is caused by me.
He let me go suddenly and I drop to the floor like a piece of soft jello.
I close my eyes, trying to force my wandering soul back to my body.
“So you are Shiaonu.” I hear a deep bellowing voice.
“Yes, I am.” I croak.
“What is with you?” The voice comes again.
What is this supposed to mean? What is he asking? I am lost.
“What do you mean?” I stammer. I cannot follow what he says.
“You have been asked to come in three times. You just stayed there without moving.” I hear Huo’s voice next to me.
“Oh, right. Your Majesty,” I then realize I don’t know if the voice is from Emperor Wu. Nobody has introduced him to me. “I mean, if you are really him, I am sorry for what happened. My mind seemed drifted away. I am sorry that I did not hear anything for a while.”
It is dead silence, I can even hear the wind outside. I keep my head low. Then a roaring laughter comes. “General Wei, you are right. She is different.” The same bellowing voice.
I dare not move.
“Shiaonu, don’t be so nervous. Just be yourself. ” Finally comes the soothing voice of General Wei. “Thank you for preparing such a feast. How did you come up with the idea of serving hotpot?”
“Oh, General Wei, I have seen homeless people eating this way by the city wall. They put the food they have collected during the day into a clay pot above the fire. It keeps food simmering and keeps them warm for the long and cold night. The food also taste much better after absorbing all kinds of flavors.” I tell General Wei with a much more steady voice.
“So you let our great Emperor eat like a homeless?” A high pitched voice, sounds more mischievous than malicious.
I roll my eyes, feeling offended rather than amused by such a low IQ question. So I refuse to answer him.
“What do you think?” The low bellowing voice comes again. “How would you answer that question?”
I do not have the guts to say that is a stupid question. Been here long enough, I have gained the understanding that my life, like everyone else, can be destroyed instantly.
“Your Majesty, I think, I think the better question should be how come even a homeless in Han can have the same food as his Emperor.”
Every Emperor likes to think that he is close to his people and there is no special treatment between them. It is just like when President stopped at a donut shop and bought a bag of donuts for his family, it would be reported by news media who conveniently miss the large convoyage that came with him.
“That is very clever.” He laughs.
“So by eating the same food as Emperor, the homeless is enjoying the same good life as our Emperor. Is that what you imply?” The high pitched voice comes again.
“I would not dare to draw that conclusion.” I answer carefully. “I do not know as much as you, sir, but I do know even the same good food will not satisfy everybody’s taste buds. Just like when everybody else is enjoying hot pot, apparently you are not. As far as whether the homeless is having a good life or not, it’s not for me to judge and it is definitely not for me to make that happen. In fact, the ones who should make it happen are everyone in this room. So why don’t you tell me if the homeless is having a good life or not.”
I hear the aroused laughter.
“Dongfang Shuo.” I hear Emperor Wu’s voice. “She is right. How would you answer your own question?”
“Your Majesty.” The high-pitched voice again. “I am too drunk to be any use now.”
I hear the Emperor’s laughter and the mumbles from the crowd.
“Rise. Let me see you.” The Emperor finally says to me.
I stand up and look at the direction where the voice coming from. Emperor Wu, in his late thirties, is at the prime time. He is a big and tall man, with a dominate presence that nobody can ignore. He reminds me of a big black bear, with all his wits, strength and violence temporarily hidden. But he is not resting. He looks like he is ready to smack anyone or anything in his way momentarily.
“How old are you?” Emperor Wu asks.
“I am going to be fifteen soon.”
“Have your parents set up a marriage contract yet?”
“Yes.”
He pauses for a bit. “I have been impressed by your cooking twice now. Is there anything you’d like to be rewarded?”
I bow down. “Before I came here in front of you, my father has already told my brothers and me not asking for any reward. He said that our family have been fortunate enough to serve you and General Wei. With the reward you gave us last time, we have opened a store with good business. My father says we should always remember the kindness from you and General Wei. So asking for more reward will make us ungrateful. “
Emperor Wu pauses even longer this time. “I am very pleased with your father and his teaching to you. Now I can see how he can have such a good family: humble, smart and grateful. Your father is a very wise man. Always remember his teaching. This kind of basic but true wisdom will enable you go long way in life.”
I bow down again towards Emperor Wu. Then he starts talking again.
“I was told that you have some quite different thoughts. So tell me, if you don’t want any reward, is there anything I can help you with?”
Told by who? I want to ask. But I don’t want it sounds like questioning. So I just ignore that.
“Your Majesty, if I may, I would like to have a chance to learn. “ I answer him.
“Oh, do elaborate.” He sounds surprised.
“I was told there are Boshi in your government who teach everything from history to poems. I would like to have a chance to hear them teaching. ” These Boshi, doctors, are the most knowledgeable group of peoples in Han. They have gone through a serious of selection process. Once selected, they become the advisors for Emperor Wu. Their students will become the officials in Han’s Government.
But my interest is not to be an official, but to learn from them and to understand their perspective.
“Do you read or write?” He asks.
I pause. I can read and write contemporary Chinese, not the one being used at this time. But how hard could it be if I have already known some of the content? The other reason I am hesitant is I don’t think the real Shiaonu knew how to read and write.
“Not yet.” I answer him. “But I can learn
very fast if I have somebody teach me.”
“It takes people years to learn how to read and write. How fast do you think you can do it?”
I pause again to think about this. In reality, it should take me only three months. But I don’t want to scare them. “Your Majesty, The only reason I learn is to understand things. I have developed my own way of learning, it might not be the right way in other people’s eyes. But it serves my purpose. So if your standard of writing and reading is for simple communication, I believe I should be able to do it within a year.”
The hall is filled with whispers again.
“No woman has been allowed to listen to the speeches from Boshi. Give me a reason why you deserve such an exception.”
I do not really have a good reason rather than satisfying my own curiosity.
“Because I dare to ask and because the worst you can say is say no.” I shrug. My dad always tells me if you don’t ask, you will never get it. So I have no shame making such a request. If Emperor Wu does not grant it. That’s not the end of the world.
This time, Emperor Wu’s roaring laughter lasts a long time.
“What a courageous girl!” He finally says. “But I am afraid I cannot grant you the access to their lecturing yet. However, I will grant you the full access to all the book scrolls in the Imperial Library. And I will also assign a tutor to teach you read and write first. If you can prove that you have mastered reading and writing within a year, then I will re-evaluate if I should grant you to listen to the lectures from Boshi. What do you think?”
This is better than I asked for. I can focus on subjects I am interested in and can ask questions specific to my studies. He will even assign me a tutor. I cannot ask for more than that.
Just before I was going to bow down again to thank Emperor Wu. Somebody speaks up.
“Your Majesty,” the voice sounds old and familiar. “I am very impressed by this girl. With your permission, I would like to take her back to my kingdom and teach her myself. “
I turn to the voice and see the long gray beard old guy from the compound, the friend of Zhao Yan.
“Uncle, I am surprised you have the interests teaching her yourself.” Emperor Wu says to him. “You have recruited thousands talented scholars in your kingdom, I am sure any one of them can teach her. What makes you interested in teaching her yourself?”
My heart jumps so fast. I hope he will not mention what has happened in his compound.
“Your Majesty, a good seed requires good soil. If you plant a seed on the poor soil, even the best one will not grow up right. I am aware of your concern, but the same time, I would feel sorry to see such a potential been discounted. That’s why I suggested to take her back to my kingdom. I will give her the best education she can ever ask for. And by living far from Chang’an, I believe it will put your concerns to rest.”
Not understanding everything he has just said, I know at least two things: This long gray beard guy is a King, who has his own Kingdom somewhere else and he is also the uncle of Emperor Wu, which makes him a member of the royal family. But why doesn’t he mention that he has seen me before? And what kind of concern Emperor Wu has towards me?
“Uncle, I know you have a heart for talent. But remember, she is just a girl and she is engaged to get married when she reaches the age. Even with the best education, what do you think she can possibly be? Neither one of us can give her any position in our courts. So the best thing for her to learn is how to be a good wife, how to take care of family and how to support her husband.” Emperor Wu says it in a most righteous tone, no matter how wrong it sound in my ears.
I lower my head to conceal my frown. At the same time I feel sorry for all the women living under Emperor Wu’s ruling. With such a Chauvinist as their Emperor, I don’t see any chance for them to be anything else other than being wives in Han, or best, the Stepford wife. I can see why beautiful Empress Wei, who has been sitting quietly next to him, has been Emperor Wu’s favorite for such a long time. Her beauty, her obedience, and her willingness to satisfy her husband’s every single desire, has made her a perfect example for the women in Han.
I am in no place to criticize the Emperor. Women’s rights movement won’t start until the Nineteenth century. How stupid can I be to say anything on this subject to a tyrant?
“Your Majesty, you are right.” Emperor’s uncle agrees quickly. “I have not thought it through. But I would like to leave her some gifts, that is, if you are fine with it.”
Emperor Wu smiles. “Of course, uncle.” Then he turns to me. “Shiaonu, will my arrangement work for you?”
“Thank you, I appreciate it very much.” I bow to him in gratitude.
11 The Saddle
“Are you sure this is the place?” I ask Ponu who is sitting in front of me on the horse.
It is the first day of January, the day for Spring Festival in Han Dynasty. We left home after lunch when Ponu told me he has found a perfect place for snow sledding. Niang said I should get out of the house and play with Ponu for a while.
Since the Winter Banquet, I have been concentrating in studying. Interestingly, the tutor Emperor Wu has sent me was the same person questioned my motivation on feeding Emperor with homeless food. His name is Dongfang Shuo, quite a funny character. At his forties, with a sense of dry humor, or sometimes irony, he is quite refreshing in this otherwise always tense and suffocating world.
I was told that he likes wines, gourmet food and beautiful women. So the first time I went to see him, I brought him a jar of homemade liquor and a pot of slow-cooked chicken stew with mushrooms. He sniffed them first, then raised his head and told me to go home since I have already learned everything Emperor Wu wanted me to learn. I ignored his contemptuous attitude and pulled out my self-made feather pen and a stack of homemade brownish paper. I told him to pull out the bamboo scrolls of Classic of Poetry, the earliest collection of poems in Chinese history. It is the one that my grandpa has taught me when I was a kid. The characters on bamboo scrolls were written in a calligraphic style called Zhuan, the official style used for all formal documentation in Han.
Just like ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs, Sumerian cuneiform and Mayan hieroglyphs, Chinese characters, called Han Zi, originated from logographic graffiti some six thousand years ago. It is the only ancient written characters that are still widely used in contemporary world. But it has evolved in the calligraphic style. The first set of mature and archaeologically confirmed calligraphy style is called Oracle Bone script, which was found on turtle shells and animal bones. By the Qin Dynasty, the calligraphy style has developed into Zhuan, which is used officially in Han at this time.
The calligraphy style I can read and understand is Lishu, which will replace Zhuan later, but I can only write in Kaishu, a further morphed style from Lishu. This is why Chinese historical documents, even in the same language, still requires experts to decrypt calligraphic style and rewrite them in well recognized style of Kaishu.
After Dongfang Shuo reluctantly pulled out bamboo scrolls, a lot of them, I started copying the characters from them onto my own home-made paper. I asked him to read to me while I pairing them up with the Kaishu style. If I don’t remember the characters, I wrote down the phonetic sound. I hope by pairing them up side by side, I can quickly learn to read and write in Zhuan.
It is much harder than I expected to memorize characters in Zhuan style, they are much more complicated. So I stayed home every day writing and memorizing until Spring Festival, when Ponu came home and decided to take me out for a sledding.
So here we are, standing in the middle of the white snow covered square, with the dark cloud hanging over the sky. It’s my first time ever seeing such a quiet and empty Chang’an. The court is closed for the holidays and everyone is home with their family. So at the square where we are, we are the only ones.
“Yes, it is. This is definitely the place.” Ponu confirms and gets off the horse swiftly.
I remove the wooden sled tied behind my back and hand
to him.
“Where are we?” I ask. I know we are at the northeast of Chang’an. I can see the tall buildings behind the high wall.
“We are just outside of Changle Palace.” He says. “Huo Qubing told me this is the best place to go sledding.”
Changle Palace is the palace for Queen Mother as well as concubines of previous Emperors. The Queen Mother of Emperor Wu passed away two years ago, so there are only old concubines and their servants. No wonder it has been dead quiet.
We pull our sled up to a small hill. With me sitting in the front and Ponu behind me, we sled down with my screams and his laughter.
It truly is the perfect place for sledding. We can even choose different route. Some are easier with slow slope. Some are more fun with the thrill of ups and downs. Once we get accustomed to the easy one, we quickly move to ones with more fun.
When Huo shows up, I am lying down flat on my stomach in the snow. I have just lost my balance and have fallen out of the sled. He is with three young girls and a few guards. I jump up on my feet quickly.
“Happy Spring Festival.” I say it cheerfully to him, who only responds to me with an unclear mutter from his throat.
I turn to the three girls who all dressed nicely in fitted fur top with thick silk skirts. One of them seems at my age, the other two are younger. I salute to them by holding my hands together next to my right side and lowing myself a little. Neither one of them salute back to me. But all their beautiful faces are with smiles.
“You found the place.” I hear Huo talking to Ponu.
“Yes, this place is awesome.” Ponu answers. “We have been playing here for quite some time.”
Huo smiles back to Ponu. “I told you so. Every winter I come here sledding.” Right, with an aunt as Queen, he even has his own room in the palace.
He then turns to three girls. “Do you want to play sledding?” They all chirpily agree with apparent excitement on their faces.
When the guards go to fetch sled, Huo just chat away with Ponu, leaving me and three girls standing there awkwardly.
My Soul is in the Sky Page 11
