by Lisa Simmons
These things didn’t surprise me, but they hurt like fucking hell.
It was like a jolt of electricity shot through me as I acknowledged the pain. My body launched forward as a gasping breath of air ripped from my chest, my lungs contracting spastically in an effort to pull air into my chest. My breathing was ragged and uneven as I gasped desperately for air. I could feel the way my ribs expanded and contracted and I could hear the way my gasps were starting to sound more and more like sobs as I leaned forward to rest my head in my hands.
This wasn’t an asthma attack.
This was pure, unadulterated, inconsolable pain.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried. It’d been years, back to when I was a little kid, probably. The closest I’d ever come to crying was the last time Abigail left me. I’d thought I hurt then, but that was nothing compared to now. I thought I knew what it felt like to lose the girl you care about, but I had no idea what it was like to lose the girl you love with everything you have. I’d been so ignorant to what pain really felt like- what it felt like to lose the only thing in the world that mattered to you.
I was fucking crying now.
As soon as I let them fall, a river of tears flooded from my eyes, dripping down my cheeks and falling to my legs as I hunched over and buried my face in my hands. I gave up trying not to feel the pain, not that I’d really been trying in the first place. Choking sobs racked my body and I couldn’t find the strength to wipe the wetness from my face. Every tear that fell was like another bit of heat leaving my body, the reminder of Abigail leaving me making me feel cold all over again. Every time I tried to take a breath, the air would rip through my now sore throat and expand my lungs painfully, the tightness of my chest making it difficult. I couldn’t gather enough air to calm me down because the relentless sobs interrupted every time. My mind buzzed frantically, the state of it matching the chaos going on in my body as her face and her words flashed through it at speeds I couldn’t manage. It was like an emotional asthma attack and I was helpless, completely at the mercy of the pain driving it.
Abigail was gone and I was here, a blithering, sobbing mess of a man who had only really come to know himself when he was with her. Without Abigail, who was I supposed to be? How was I supposed to do anything now without thinking of her? I couldn’t handle this crippling fear of being alone I hadn’t known I’d held until I was actually alone. When you love someone like I love Abigail, they become a part of you. I felt hollow now, like I was missing half of my soul. The part of me she held was ripped from me so unexpectedly and so violently, I was sure I’d never recover. I already missed her. What I would give for just ten more seconds with her- just ten more seconds to hold her and tell her I love her and to hear her say it back. I felt off and unbalanced and empty.
I felt cold.
She was the only person I’d ever loved and who had ever loved me, but she didn’t love me anymore.
I was broken.
Abigail’s POV
What have I done?
Oh my god.
What have I done?
Hatred was not a strong enough word for what I felt for myself. Self-loathing stronger than anything I’d ever felt coursed through me as Reece’s face swam before my eyes, clouding my vision and absolutely shattering my heart. The cold, unfeeling exterior I had had to work so hard to maintain had evaporated the second I left his room, the walls crumbling down around my feet and tripping me with every step that I took. I didn’t even remember driving back to my apartment, walking inside, or falling to my bed, but it had happened in the stunned daze that had fallen over me. I now lay curled into a ball on my bed, my head resting limply on the covers as I clutched a sweatshirt of Reece’s to my chest.
I didn’t remember when I’d started to cry, but the tears hadn’t stopped flowing since they’d started. Never would I try to stop them because I deserved to feel this ache; I deserved to feel this aching pain. I deserved to endure this torturous agony for what I’d just done to the man I loved more than anything in the entire world. My face contorted hideously as I sobbed to myself, my body tight as it tried to fight off the pain and tears that I welcomed so willingly. I couldn’t stop seeing his face fall as I said the words I knew would break him. He’d looked so crushed, so dejected and heartbroken that it felt like my heart was going through a paper shredder. Say you love me, Abby.
His words haunted me now as I sobbed myself into a puddle, every syllable that had left his lips drilling another spike into my heart. This was, without a doubt, the most painful thing I’d ever been through. To not say it back to him and to watch him grow more and more desperate when I refused had been something I didn’t think I was strong enough to do. I never thought I’d be able to deny him that- the simple phrase that held so much meaning that it could break you if it wasn’t returned. There had never been a day since the first time I’d said it that I didn’t mean it, and I knew there would never come a day when I wouldn’t feel it. This was a love that was going to stick with me forever, I knew that for a fact. Every day of my life, no matter where I was or who I was with, I knew if he were to ask me if I loved him, the answer would always be yes. Even if I was old and grey and he was withered and nearly deaf with white hairs coming out of his ears, I would love him with everything I had. All I had wanted to do was shout and yell and scream how much I loved him. I wanted to shake him and yell of course I love you, you idiot! How could you ever doubt that? I wanted to grab his shoulders and throw my body into his so I could hold him and tell him I didn’t want to say it, I didn’t mean it, I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to kiss his lips and run my fingers through his hair and feel his heart beat through his chest against mine. I wanted to hug him tight and never let him go. I wanted to promise to love him forever and to stay until he was begging me to leave only for him to promise that day would never come. I wanted to say, one more time, that I would love him forever.
But that had been ruined now. The fantasy I may have once held of growing old with him was gone. I had made the ultimate sacrifice in order to keep him safe, but it didn’t feel like that. I had tried to be brave and unselfish, doing what would hurt us both more than words could describe to make sure he would be safe, but now I felt like all I’d managed to do was break us. My body was shaking violently as sobs continued to wrack through it. Every heaving breath I managed seemed to rattle my very bones and sting my muscles as if punishing me for what I’d done. My stomach felt like it’d been turned inside out and my lungs burned with every breath. Enough damage had been inflicted on my heart that I was fairly certain it would never work properly again.
I didn’t care. I deserved it.
I let the pain rip me in half. The rivet had already been started at Reece’s house and it hadn’t stopped cleaving further open since. Every word I’d spoke and every desperate plea he uttered had widened the tear until I had been completely torn in half. It felt like I’d left the other half of me with him, where it belonged, because I felt cold and empty. There was no fire sizzling through my veins or any heat lurking in my heart. Of course there was no fire. The source of the fuel that had let it burn had always been Reece. He’d been the energy source for the inferno that fed my soul, but that source was gone now, burned up and extinguished in the most devastating way. It was like the only thing that had given me reason to feel free and alive was gone, the invisible line between us severed as I fell into nothingness. Black nothingness.
That was where I imagined myself now. I could imagine the heat and almost see the light that was Reece that rested on the ledge I clung to, but I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel the comfortingly warm touch of his fingers on my skin and I couldn’t see the glow he seemed to emit when he was with me. It was like I was tangling off a cliff, the torment of my blissful past with Reece just out of reach and still close enough to taunt me but not close enough to grab. I could practically feel my fingers slip as I reached desperately, trying to grab the warmth and light that was Reece
and I together before I fell, falling back into the dark abyss that had swallowed me up. I felt my hair whip around my face from the wind as I fell, my cold and empty body giving up the struggle of trying to hold on to the edge. I fell and fell endlessly, the depth of my despair reaching no pit as I continued to sink deeper and deeper. There was no way I could handle this. The selfish pain I was feeling for myself at the loss of Reece made me hate myself even more. Yes, I’d lost him, but it was my own fault, my own doing. Reece, on the other hand, had been forced to listen to me berate him, lie to him, deny his love, and leave him all without any reasonable explanation. My explanation I’d given had been a complete lie, designed to strike where I knew it would hurt him the most and would accept without question.
My plan had worked.
I am despicable.
My muscles began to ache from the tight, balled up position I was in, but I didn’t move. Any strength I had once held had been quickly evaporated, my encounter with Reece draining me in every way possible. I was weak now, mentally, physically, emotionally. I was more than weak- I was ruined. Every thought that came to mind mocked me, scolding me for letting things get this far. I saw flashes of memories that felt like searing hot knives stabbing all over my body; they drifted through my brain relentlessly no matter what I did to try and stop them. I saw Reece’s eyes burning into mine from the first night I met him. I saw the vulnerability in his face the first night he’d asked me to stay. I saw the time we’d gotten coffee early and he’d been embarrassed by all the girls we’d run into. I saw our first and only real date. I saw the night I told him I didn’t want him followed by the day he’d taken me back. I saw his first asthma attack that had scared the life out of me. I saw the nights in the club. The fight with Jack. The brick. The hospital. All the time we’d spent in bed, too wrapped up in each other to care about anything else in the world.
I saw the day he told me he loved me.
I felt like I was crumbling to dust as another sob so violent shot through me that I physically convulsed. My body curled around the sweatshirt I was holding and my eyes squeezed so tightly shut it hurt. The blackness I had fallen into was caving in around me, suffocating me from all sides as I felt the pain in every cell in my body. This was too much. This hurt too much.
I couldn’t handle the pain of losing Reece and the pain of what I’d done to him and I hadn’t even thought about how I was going to deal with Jack. How on earth was I supposed to ‘be with him’ when I was a shattered pile of emotions on the floor? How was I supposed to function at all, much less manage to convince him enough to keep him away from Reece? How was I supposed to ignore the icy agony that had taken me over when my heart longed for only Reece? If I wasn’t broken now, surely that would do it. The mere thought of even looking at him repulsed me so much that I couldn’t understand how I’d be able to manage being within ten feet of him. He revolted me in every way possible, and I found myself wishing he were dead. The dark thought should have scared me, both because of the reality of it and the severity, but it didn’t. I wished him gone, out of my life, and if that meant dead, then yes, I wished it. I couldn’t think about that. My mind returned instantly to Reece and what he must be feeling right now. Surely he was no better off, but I hoped desperately that he would feel at least a little anger toward me. I hoped against hope that he would be insulted rather than broken so he could maybe avoid blaming himself, but I knew that wouldn’t be the case.
He wouldn’t be angry with me and he wouldn’t blame me. He would accept everything I said without question and talk himself into believing my rationale was completely accurate. That was maybe what haunted me the most. He loved me so much that he would never think bad of me even after I broke his heart. I’d said he didn’t deserve me, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. It was me that did deserve him. The truth to that statement couldn’t be denied as I curled into an even tighter ball. Tears continued to flow down my cheeks, the wetness gathering on my bed as I made no attempts to stem the flow besides squeezing my eyes tightly shut. Say you love me.
His words continued to haunt me as I tried to block out the world and let myself revel in the pain I deserved. I fell farther and farther into the never-ending abyss that had consumed me, and I embraced the cold that had settled over my body. This was how I would feel from now on and I had to get used to it; I had to get used to a world without warmth, without light, without love.
I had to get used to a world without Reece.
"Nobody said it was easy; it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy; no one every said it would be this hard... Oh take me back to the start."
Chapter 63
I felt numb. Cold. Empty.
I’d lost track of how many days had passed since I’d broken Reece’s heart along with my own in the process. The days seemed to jumble together in an endless continuum of pointless motion. It was like all the color had been drained from the world, the continuously shifting grey shadows surrounding me and sucking me in to the depths of their bland darkness. I was lost in the cold, black emptiness that had taken over my life and I had no resistance left in me to try and fight my way out.
This was my life now.
Jack had given me a few days, surprisingly, before he’d dragged me out of my apartment. Although he hadn’t forced me to leave, that didn’t mean his presence hadn’t been far more frequent than I would have liked. He had appeared every day, checking up on me and making sure I hadn’t gone back on my promise and gone back to Reece. His dark shadow had lurked through my apartment, haunting me as he watched me with his cold, hollow eyes. He hardly spoke and never touched me, but it was unnerving and terrifying as I felt his gaze imprint itself on my skin.
Emily had been extremely confused at the change and was beyond livid when I refused to explain what had happened to her. I couldn’t bring myself to explain and was glad I didn’t when Jack flat out commanded I never tell her. He didn’t want anyone to know he had forced me back to him with the worst possible threat. I had agreed flatly, the fight long gone from my soul. She hadn’t spoken to me since.
Jack had won; I had given up on trying to fight him.
My mind and body were tired as I lay curled in a ball beneath the covers of my bed. I couldn’t remember leaving it since the night I came home from Reece’s, but I knew I must have at some point. Despite having not eaten for days, my body still had requirements and the only time I managed to drag myself from under the covers was to use the bathroom. When I did, my appearance was terrifying.
Circles so dark lined my eyes that it almost looked like I’d been hit and my usually bright blue eyes were dull and lifeless. My hair had started to matte in the back and it looked like I hadn’t showered in about a month. Any color that was usually present in my face had been drained, leaving me stark white and shockingly pale. I wondered why Jack even wanted me in the first place, because there was no way he could find me attractive at a time like this. I shook my head gently at myself before returning to the cocoon of my bed, the warmth of the covers doing nothing to melt the ice inside me. A loud pounding at my front door shook me from my stupor, fear coursing through me briefly before the hollow void took over again. He didn’t wait for my response before letting himself in, his heavy footsteps sounding far too loud in my quiet apartment. I clutched at the covers and pulled them further over my head in a weak attempt to block him out. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he said, his voice dripping with irritation. “You’re still fucking moping around?”
I didn’t reply. My eyes squeezed tightly shut as I curled into a tighter ball while I prayed he would leave me alone like he had the last few days. Previously, he had arrived, berated me for being so obviously depressed, and left in a huff of annoyance. Something told me he’d reached the limit of his already short patience. “Get the fuck out of bed, I’ve had enough of this,” he said stiffly, his voice tight as he tried to force it to sound calm. He did not succeed. I could hear him coming closer and felt my blanket
s shift as he grabbed them near my feet and yanked. My grip on the blanket was enough to keep it on me but not enough to keep it over my head. I let my eyes stay shut for a few seconds before opening them tentatively to look at him.
He stood at the foot of my bed, his oddly skinny frame hunched over as he held onto my covers. His eyes looked as hollow as ever while he watched me, annoyance clearly written on all his features.
“Why?” I managed to ask. My voice was flat and emotionless. I sounded dead.
“Because we’re going out and you need to take a fucking shower,” he said angrily. His face scrunched up in disgust as he observed my matted hair, blank face, and crumpled clothes. I subtly pushed Reece’s sweatshirt I was cradling further beneath the covers. “Do I have a choice?”
“No. Get up.”
I winced internally, the thought of getting out of bed already exhausting me, much less having to make an effort to look decent and go out. With him. I shuddered.
“Get up,” he demanded again, throwing down the blankets angrily. “You have thirty minutes.”
With that, he turned sharply and stormed from my room. I heard him barge his way into my kitchen and open the fridge, helping himself to what was probably only spoiled food now as I hadn’t eaten more than a few crackers here and there in about a week. My lack of nutrition was starting to show as I dragged my way out of bed and into the bathroom; my muscles ached despite my minimal movement and I looked far too skinny to be healthy. I couldn’t find it in myself to care. The water was scalding hot as I entered the shower but it didn’t sting my skin. It was like the ice that had formed over my heart had made me completely oblivious to any potential source of warmth. My hands went through the motions that I’d neglected for days as I showered, the soap and water doing little to wash away the ache and pain I was feeling. Physical agents couldn’t heal a broken heart. Thirty minutes later, I had myself showered and dressed with my hair at least combed, which was a vast improvement over my previous state. I still looked dreadful, the dark circles around my eyes refusing to be subdued and my body still too skinny and pale, but at least I was clean. I wore my most boring pair of jeans that hung too loosely on my frame now and a simple black v-neck, in no mood to make an effort nor impress anyone. Jack looked up from where he sat at my counter, three empty beers decorating my counter top. I couldn’t even remember if they’d been in my fridge or if he’d brought them with him. It didn’t really matter. I didn’t say anything as he looked me up and down, an unimpressed expression falling over his face.
