by Anna Chillon
Vincent didn’t stop, I knew that if I didn’t want to be left alone I had to follow. “I think I’ve understood something else!” I called at him, shouting.
He turned round with a questioning expression, staying where he was. I must have been pouting due to the anger brooding inside me. “Disobeying you can hurt” I declared forcing myself to let him win.
Vincent nodded, shamelessly, without glory.
Thank god, he slowly turned around and came back. He knelt down, and took my foot in his hand, rubbing the sole with his warm palm, checking for blood and dusting off the dirt.
He did the same with the other, with a very gentle touch and placed it back on the soft grass. “You’ll do well to remember it” he said. He got up depriving me of the contact and warmth that I would have liked to continue feeling. “We can go home now. Do you think you’ll make it?”
“I’ll try.”
He gave me his hand and pulled me up with so much force that I ended up in his arms with a bit of a head spin. I grabbed his jacket in tight fists, his smell of aftershave mixed with washing powder hit me. I took a deep breath.
“How do I know who the right one is?” the words escaped my lips amongst the folds of his jacket.
“Shit Giada,” he swore stretching his arms out to stop himself from touching me. “You can’t do this.”
“I’m cold” I pushed myself up against his warm chest. “hug me for a bit, please...”
“No.” Vincent closed his eyes with a growl, fighting against himself and lost. He gave in hugging me, folding me inside. He breathed deeply rubbing my back. “There isn’t a ‘right’ one. It just... needs to be someone who knows your worth.”
When I was a kid he used to, but in the last few years he hadn’t hugged me, he had never held me to him in that way. A safety distance had grown between us as I got older. And now that had gone, now that I’d broken it with my youthful arrogance, you could smell tragedy in the air.
Chapter 5
My brilliant plan had been un-covered, so I couldn’t see Simon the following days, but I did manage to reach an agreement with Vincent: if my parents gave me consent to go out alone with Simon, I would be free for the weekend. That way Adele and Aron would know, Vincent wouldn’t be responsible for what happened and everyone would get a good night’s sleep. Everyone apart from me and Simon: we wouldn’t be sleeping at all.
I’d decided to go straight in that direction because I thought it was what I wanted, as well as being the only possible option. I was obviously agonizing over it. Twisted ideas were forming in my damaged mind, but by now nothing was going to stop me getting the guy that I wanted. I’d corrupt Mum talking about how good looking the neighbours’ son was, and how loads of my friends spent their evenings with their boyfriends. As soon as she was on my side, I was counting on the fact that Dad wouldn’t contradict her for want of a quiet life.
I gave Simon the good news when he came to see me on Saturday afternoon, following my invitation. Finding Vincent in the house he raised his eyebrows, but when It was explained to him that between my lady parts and his penis missed only the letters ‘y’, ‘e’ and ‘s’ that I was convinced to get from the olds, he assumed a victorious air. Obviously I used other words.
His reaction surprised me: despite Vincent being there, he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me there at the door. His hands reached almost to my buttocks, his body was closely in contact with mine. His mouth tasted a bit of joint smoke and a bit of yumminess. I liked it.
Facing the garden, with my eyes closed by the force that he grabbed me by, I didn’t see anything. I was sure though that whilst kissing me, that impertinent kid was looking at my neighbour, down on the sofa, daring him to interrupt us one more time.
Simon had no fear of adults, he had a rebellious motor inside him that I also felt in myself. He was everything I’d always dreamed of: arrogant, vital, strong, funny and, how could I forget, damned beautiful.
At that moment I loved him.
And while all that was happening, an intrusive thought captured my mind: “He’s got the courage to kiss me. You haven’t.” So, that kiss that at the beginning was welcome, took connotations of desperation, because while I was pulling the guy of my dreams I was thinking of what I couldn’t have, shouldn’t have, made no sense to want.
“If you’re looking for the tonsils, you’ve already taken them out,” you could only just hear Vincent’s cold comment but it was enough to break the spell.
I knew when it was time to stop, Simon ended our outpouring whispering in my ear “Call me when we can go out.”
I nodded. I said goodbye to him and watched him go up the path with my eyes on his shape, from his biceps that his T-shirt stretched over, to his hips under his rapper trousers. I stayed there even once he’d gone because I didn’t want to see Vincent looking at me with disappointment.
There was no need; my Dad’s friend - as I was forcing myself to think of him - came up beside me brushing my shoulder. “Happy?” he continued along the same path without turning round, with a Tennent’s in hand. At the gate he swigged from the bottle. “I won’t come tonight, I want to trust you. Eat something, lock yourself in and... don’t do yourself any harm.”
Still a bit dazed, I had a slow reaction. “Why not? I enjoy hurting myself!” I shouted as he walked off.
“I know!” he threw the bottle into the glass recycling and crossed the road towards home.
Turn around, I found myself thinking. Turn around.
It didn’t happen.
Better that way, I reflected, hiding a little pain, but relieved too.
I was free: afternoon and evening completely free. I decided not to take advantage right now with my goal so near. The wisest move would be to demonstrate that I was worthy of his trust.
So I spent the afternoon studying, watching TV and masturbating over and over again. The third time ended with an ingrained need that I didn’t know how to express and came out in a silent cry and a bleeding lip, damaged from being bitten.
The rest was just routine, until I decided to go to bed. I went looking left and right, waiting for a ghost to materialize from the silent shadows. It took a while to get to sleep, analyzing every noise as I did the previous week, when I found myself home alone at night for the first time. The funny thing was I was more frightened of a quiet ghost appearing than of a robber: or at least that’s what I thought until a bang woke me up all of a sudden in the middle of the night.
It seemed almost as if I had dreamt it, but then I heard the squeak of the garden gate, followed by the noise of something rolling that sounded like a water bucket. Instead of putting it near the tap I’d left it near the bushes, which is why my first thought was that someone had come into the garden and kicked it over. Propped up on my elbows with my eyes wide open, I stayed stock still holding my breath: apart from a dog barking far away, everything was silent. My heart was beating like mad.
What to do? I didn’t know whether to turn on the lights to let them know that I was home, or call for help and stay hidden. What if they knew I was alone and had thought they could render me out of action easily?
I don’t know how I found the courage to take the mobile phone and creep out of bed to the window to look outside. I didn’t see anyone in the garden even though the water bucket was on its side and the water was running down the path. I stepped back worried that whoever was out there might be able to see me at the window. All the houses in the street were dark, except Vincent’s, with the lights on upstairs. My hands were shaking, luckily I had his number saved in quick dial. I kept my finger pressed over the key.
“Have you run out of sheep to count?” he replied at the third ring. I opened my mouth, but I was so petrified that I couldn’t get a word out. I stayed there with my mouth wide open like a fish out of water. “Giada?” he asked the first time in a careful tone.
I tried to take a breath.
“Giada are you there?” This time he was worried.
/> “Someone’s here” I whimpered, almost crying. “Help me.”
“Someone’s in the house?”
“Outside. I’m scared” I begged.
I’m coming right away. Stay calm and don’t open the door for anyone.”
“Are you mad? You think I’d open the door? Hurry up please.”
“Calm down, I’m coming. I could hear a door slamming on the phone, then the downstairs light came on and he rushed out half naked armed with a poker. He left his front door wide open and launched into a run at breakneck speed. Anyone watching would’ve taken him for a mad man and I, already feeling safer let half a smile slip out. Vincent stopped only when he got into the garden, bending over to get his breath he looked all around. He walked around the house while I came downstairs and when he knocked heavily three times on the door I let him in.
He glanced past me to make sure that there were no intruders, then he gave in. “There’s no one here, little one” he assured me, loosening his grip on the poker.
I blinked, distraught. No one had ever called me that, certainly not him. “But... the bucket, didn’t you see it?”
I realized then that he was barefoot and disheveled, his shirt un-buttoned leaving a glimpse of a hairy, firm chest.
“The buckets at the back of the house have been knocked over too. It must’ve been a wild dog or a wolf. There seems to be one that’s got lost and is hanging out around here.”
I was barefoot too and wearing blue jersey pyjamas with a cat on the front. He was a few meters away from me but neither of us dared to take a step. We were both unprepared for such an occurrence.
“A wolf can get lost?” I asked.
His wandering eyes fixed on me. “Yes, if there’s something that attracts him out of his usual hunting territory.”
“Like?”
“Like…” holding his gaze on me, “a prey that leads the wolf into its nest. The hunt takes a priority over the other senses and when he manages to reach it, he’s already lost.”
“Ah.” I took the sore lip from this afternoon’s bite in-between my teeth, knowing perfectly well that I was taking one of the routes that he didn’t want me to take. “And do you think that the wolf is dangerous?”
He opened his eyes wide. “No, not if you leave him alone. It’s important not to tease him, Giada.” His scolding tone again.
So we’d gone back to ‘Giada’.
Pretending that I hadn’t picked up on the double entendre, I lifted my phone and positioned it to take a picture of him. It flashed as I snapped the photo. The only way to stop time.
“Dad will love this. He’ll take the mickey out of you for a thousand years!” I laughed, hiding the real reason: that I wanted his photo just for me.
“Give me that phone.” He didn’t seem amused.
I shook my head.
“Obey.”
Disobeying you can hurt. I had learnt that to my own cost but I shook my head again, even more serious than him.
He threw the poker down with a crash that sent a shiver down my spine. “Give it here!” he tried to get the phone off me and ended up blocking me against the wall. I hid it behind my back, forcing him to touch more of me if he wanted to get hold of it. He gripped my wrists and pushed my arms above my head against the wall with a strong grip, so close to me; I reacted by opening my lips and lowered my eyelids a little. He looked into my eyes and I got a good look at what a lost wolf would look like.
My heart was beating faster than it was when I thought I had a burglar, although I was a bit rattled then too if I’m honest. I tried weakly to shake him off, not because I wanted to but because I wanted to prolong the feelings I was having.
That was the fateful instant that I summed up all the times I’d felt something similar to my stomach twisting round and around and I realized that it hadn’t happened with Simon. It was a sensation so strong that it clouded my mind. Oh sure, I’d tried to get that feeling with Simon, I wanted to replicate it, I hoped it would’ve been possible. He was a good looking guy, gorgeous, lively and kind, but he wasn’t... like this. He wasn’t Vincent.
I stood on tip toes, trying to lean my neck forwards, he grabbed my head and held onto me by my hair. Even though it was pulling, wrapped around his fingers I made a big effort and managed to brush his lips.
He didn’t move but he didn’t let me go further, his warm breath flowed across my mouth. The desperation was almost written on his forehead.
“You haven’t even got the courage to kiss me” I murmured, voicing my thought from that afternoon. I went further: with all the madness and recklessness that I was capable of I flicked out my tongue and licked his lips.
He let me go in an instant, tightening his fists and puffing out through his nose. Feeling more powerful and excited than ever before, I moved myself slowly from the bricks that I’d been launched against before, moving the phone about in my hand. I laughed cunningly and at the first twitch of movement from Vincent I ran upstairs .
Take me, I’m waiting for you. Take me or lose me.
Now it was up to him.
As I had hoped, he followed me. Given that I could make my way around my house even in the dark Vincent was penalized by the time it took to turn on the lights. However, he almost managed to grab me as I swung round my parents door frame, helping me to swing inside round the corner. His fingers brushed my back sending goosebumps down my spine.
He stopped in the door way thinking maybe that he’d trapped me. We looked at each other, one at one end of the room and the other at the opposite end. I still had my knees a little bent, ready to pounce off. As he moved around the bed to catch me I jumped on the mattress.
“Missed!” I flew away again sniggering. Our heavy steps ran down the stairs. I was roaring with laughter, I felt so happy and my heart was beating really fast. I turned around the table going into the lounge, he, closer still, tried to grab my arm. I screamed, managed to peel him off, but not for long.
My foot got caught in the rug and Vincent was able to grab hold of my top, without however managing to stop us both falling over as I’d lost my balance. Turning over with a moan, I ended up face to face with him. I’d slammed my knee on the floor and the softness of the rug had saved only a little bit of the impact. “It hurts” I had screwed my face up against the pain without managing to stop laughing.
“Serves you right.” He wasn’t laughing at all, if he had hurt himself he wasn’t showing it.
“Not fair, I tripped” I was panting heavily to catch my breath. He too was out of breath. His frowning eyebrows created a furrow in the centre of his forehead he was tensing so much.
He took my head in his hands and looked into my eyes, so close that I could see even the most subtle signs of age; fine lines running from his eyes to his temples. He didn’t seem at all happy or have the intention of getting up.
“What now?” a whisper vibrated between my lips.
“Now you’ve won.” Taking me totally by surprise he closed his mouth over mine and stole the little breath that was left inside me.
I thought that my heart was going to explode out of my chest. It couldn’t be true. Yes, maybe I had teased the wolf, but I hadn’t lingered over what his reaction would be, I could’ve sworn that he wouldn’t have responded. I’d counted on his being firm. Where had all the ‘forbidden’ road signs gone?
That kiss was something bigger than me and he was giving it, treating my mouth the same way he would a gummy sweet to suck and bite. I knew I had full lips, so much that any kind of lipstick looked ridiculous, I didn’t imagine though that they could be played with in such a way.
The whole time he kept my face imprisoned in his palms and when he detached himself I was blushing from my throat to my forehead, so astonished that I could no longer remember how to move.
Vincent, having forgotten who we were to each other continued holding my face in his hands. I told you and made you understand in every way possible not to tease me but no, you had to insist. He pointed his t
humbs over my temples as if all the tenacity that he was accusing me of came from there. His rasping voice didn’t even seem to belong to him. “And insist and insist” he reprimanded me pushing his fingertips into my skin. I didn’t dare move, almost frightened of the expression on his face. “Now you’re frightening me...”
You however, don’t frighten me anymore. When I get hold of you I’m not frightened anymore of your nonsense, I know you’re safe.
Yet I thought I had never in my life been in so much danger.
His hand moved down over the thin fabric of my pyjamas, stroking, he reached the gap between the top and bottoms. I didn’t have a vest or bra underneath but his movements were so confident and I was so appalled that I didn’t know whether to stop it until I had no choice and the garment was pulled off over my head.
Curling into a ball I protested as much as I could.
“You’re not so cocky now are you?” He forced my arms to the floor as he bore down on me with overwhelming weight. My wrists were tremendously slim in his fingers, but he didn’t hold onto them for long; as soon as I stopped resisting in vain, he let them go to place the back of his hand on my throat. He drew a line between my breasts stopping under one of them. My stomach contracted sucking in as much as possible, and when he put his hands around my waist, he was amazed to be able to encompass easily half of it.
“Christ, you fit into one hand,” he said.
I was praying that he didn’t notice how wet I felt in my pants, but just as I was thinking it, he slipped under the weak pyjama elastic. He pushed his knee on to mine, the sore one, so that I would overcome my reluctance in opening my legs. I let out a loud cry as they were forced open.
Vincent now had free access to my pussy and at that point another hot flush covered my face, making me bright red. I would never have experienced such shame with Simon or a boy of my age, but with Vincent it was all so immoral, so wrong, though coveted and inevitable.
