Even though I was bone-deep tired, sleep eluded me. For over an hour, I watched the clock slowly tick off the minutes until I finally gave up around four. I thought about going back into the living room to watch TV, but the thought of getting out of my bed seemed too monumental of a task. So instead of fighting it, I let the events of yesterday play on a continuous loop. Over and over again, I saw the disgust on my parents’ faces until my brain couldn’t take it anymore and I finally fell asleep.
* * *
A quick look at the clock made me groan. 7:27. I reached up and cradled my head in my hands. My head was pounding and I hadn’t even had the luxury of drowning my stress in alcohol last night. With no work and no school on today’s agenda, I tugged my pillow back under my head in an attempt to get a few more hours of sleep.
Bang, bang, bang.
Not today. Any other day, just not today. I pulled the pillow over my head to drown out the pounding on my front door. Since I didn’t have any friends in the building and I’d never had any of my friends at school over to my apartment, the possibilities of who was at my door at seven thirty in the morning were small. It was probably shitty of me to ignore whoever it was, but I didn’t have it in me to face anyone right now. I’d let Ethan and Jamie know I was okay. Beyond that, I simply didn’t have it in me to face them.
Bang, bang. “Tyler Joseph Mitchell, I know you’re in there. So get your skinny ass out of bed and open the door.”
Claire. I groaned and lay there on my bed, wanting to ignore her, but she was too much like Ethan to let it go. The banging continued, louder and louder until I knew my neighbors would have a fit if I didn’t answer the door.
As the banging got louder, I abandoned my search for a shirt and walked through my apartment. For a moment, I let my hand rest on the door handle, willing Claire to turn around and walk away. But the vibration of her constant banging snapped me out of my wishful thinking.
“I swear to God this apartment must have some kind of karma that prevents you guys from getting dressed. It used to bug the crap out of me that E could never wear a damn shirt either.”
I stared blankly at her, my sluggish brain trying and failing to keep up with what she was saying. Claire’s smirk softened as she stepped forward. She had two grocery bags in her arms. The dark circles under her eyes told me Ethan and Jamie hadn’t been the only ones worried about me last night.
“Go put some clothes on while I make us some breakfast.”
“Claire—”
“I’m too tired to argue this morning, Tyler. And from the look of it, so are you. So do us both a favor and go put on a damn shirt, maybe even run a comb through that bedhead you’ve got going on while I get an omelet started.”
She’d already turned her back on me and was digging in the bags, setting each item she’d brought on the counter. Arguing with her was like arguing with Ethan. Both were stubborn to a fault; Claire just smiled a lot more when she dug her heels in. I lingered in the bathroom longer than I needed to, but within ten minutes, I was back in the kitchen as the familiar sound of a knife on a cutting board filled the apartment.
Without turning her head, she said, “Here. Dice these onions and peppers. E might like his omelets full of bacon and cheese, but I figured neither one of us needs to clog up our arteries.”
A lump formed in my throat as I looked at the knife Claire held out to me. It was part of the set they’d given me for Christmas, making me feel like more of an ass for being such an ungrateful shit to them. They’d done nothing but support and care about me, and how did I repay them? Not trusting them with the stuff at school and then all but flipping them off when I’d ignored their calls and texts.
As if reading my mind, Claire bumped her hip against mine. “We’ll have plenty of time to talk about all that crap that’s jangling around in your head. Right now I need you to focus, because I am not dragging your ass to the ER for a sliced finger.”
Claire’s no-nonsense attitude helped drain some of the tension out of my shoulders, and I soon lost myself to the familiar rhythm of prepping the veggies for the omelet. Within no time, my kitchen was filled with the aroma of onions, jalapeños and peppers sautéing in butter while my old but trusty coffeemaker brewed an extra strong pot of coffee. Claire filled up two plates heaping with omelets and pointed to the table.
“Okay. Sit your ass down and let’s talk.”
I opened my mouth, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t form the words to tell her how bad yesterday had been. Instead, I opted for a safer conversation.
“How’re things at the café?”
Claire paused midbite and lifted one of her eyebrows. We both knew I was stalling, but she just nodded and decided to play along. “Life is good. Except when Hurricane Lily is in one of her moods. I swear, if the woman didn’t get me the best deals on booze she’d be banned from the place. Think E, if E wore high heels and lipstick.” She grimaced. “On second thought, don’t. You’ll have nightmares forever.”
I laughed despite myself.
“Now, kiddo. Tell me the real reason you actually called in sick for the first time this century.”
Even though I didn’t want to be rude, I wasn’t really that hungry. I methodically cut a bite of omelet, then pushed it around my plate.
“Tyler,” she nudged, her voice soft. “Remember when you pulled a Superman routine and carried me out of Cal’s place when it burned? We were closed the next day but you still showed up as soon as possible to help clean up, even with minor smoke inhalation. Something is wrong, and even my oblivious brother is worried about you. Please talk to me about it.”
My fork clanked onto my plate as I pushed back my chair a bit, the feet screeching on the linoleum below. “I don’t know, Claire. I appreciate you guys worrying about me but I just feel overwhelmed.”
Claire said nothing, just sipped her coffee, watching me with tired green eyes over the rim over her cup as she waited for me to talk. Sometimes I cursed the Martin stubbornness.
I blew out a long, frustrated breath and looked at the food she’d made me.
“I signed up for a program that lets us volunteer at an elementary school, helping out in the learning garden. It was fun showing kids where their food comes from and getting my hands dirty.”
When I cleared my throat, she pushed my coffee cup toward me and I wrapped my hands around its comforting warmth. “Anyway, it really made me miss my brother and sister, ya know? I haven’t seen them since my parents kicked me out, and after telling Trevor about them—” I cut her off when she gave me a pointed look, saying, “We’ll get to him. I promise. Anyway, he suggested I go visit them. I knew it was a bad idea, but God, Claire, I had to see them.”
“Oh, Tyler,” Claire reached across the table and squeezed my hand.
“It gets better. So I went to my old house. I knew once I got there I shouldn’t have gone, but I couldn’t stop myself from walking up the steps and knocking on the door. You know what they did? They called the cops on me. No joyous family reunion. No questions about how or where I’ve been. My dad just told me to get off their property and called the cops to make sure I got the message they didn’t want me anymore. Who does that, Claire? Who calls the cops on their own kid because he’s gay?”
She sipped her coffee, then set the mug down, spinning it slowly in her hands. “People have kids all the time, Tyler. It doesn’t mean they should or that they’re fit for parenthood. You have to get a driver’s license to drive and a hunting license to hunt, but any dipshit can make a baby.”
“I guess. I just never thought that would be me. It was stupid, but I always hoped they’d wondered where I was. Even if they didn’t come looking for me, I always hoped they at least worried about me. Obviously, they didn’t. But that’s not the whole story. Well, it is with parents, but last night wasn’t just about them. I, um. I mean, Trevor and me. We...”
<
br /> Claire waved her hand. “Stop right there. You two hooked up, right?”
I couldn’t believe I was talking to Claire about my sex life. How fucking embarrassing.
“Okay, so you two hooked up. People hook up, Tyler. It isn’t the end of the world. But from the look on your face, I’m guessing it didn’t work out. That’s also normal and feels like the end of the world, but it doesn’t have to be. The thing you have to remember? You have to be honest about what you want.”
“That’s not the problem.”
“Is it sex stuff?” She wrinkled her nose. “No offense, but you’re better off talking to Ethan or Jamie about that kind of thing. Pretty sure I’m lacking an essential body part to give you much advice about it.”
Despite my mood, I snorted. “No. Not sex stuff. I’ve been thinking about changing from chef training to teaching.” When her look stayed encouraging, I continued. “I like cooking. But I like teaching more, I think. I’m still checking into my options, and, well, I told Trevor about it.”
I looked down at my food, pushing the bite I’d cut earlier around. “He told Jamie and they both pulled me into their office. I wasn’t planning on bailing or leaving anyone hanging. That’s why I wanted to check into it first.”
“I’m missing something here. Jamie and Trevor talk all the time. Hell, it’s one of the many things Ethan rants about. So why would you tell Trevor instead of Jamie about wanting to change your major?”
I shifted in my seat and knew if I didn’t get it all out, I’d let it sit in my gut and fester until I made myself sick. “I told Trevor because we’ve been hanging out. Well, as much as two people who don’t live remotely close to each other can hang out. But we’ve gone out a few times and lately we’ve been talking a lot. I wanted someone to talk to who was outside the situation, but still cared about me. Or at least I thought he cared. Honestly, Claire, Jamie and Ethan have already done so much for me, it felt like a slap in the face to shift directions with school. So when Trevor and I talked about it, I asked him not to tell anyone.”
“But he did.”
I still couldn’t make sense out of that, so I just nodded.
“I agree that was pretty shitty of him and I can see why you’re hurt. You told him in confidence and he blabbed to Jamie and my brother.” She paused and pointed at my plate. “You better eat before that’s completely cold.”
I took a small bite, not wanting to be rude, but my stomach was already in knots from last night and the thought of adding food of any kind to the mix only made it worse.
“Tyler, I know you’re pissed at Trevor, and I totally get that. But be honest with yourself. Would you have told them on your own? I see how much you worship Jamie and my idiot brother, it’s hard not to. It would be hard for anyone to tell them they didn’t want to follow in their footsteps. Especially after being promoted to sous-chef. Sometimes it’s harder to say no to family because you don’t want to disappoint them. Even when you’re not really disappointing them at all.”
As I stared at Claire across the tiny dining room table of her and Ethan’s old apartment, I wanted to believe her. I wanted so badly to believe I hadn’t disappointed them, but a part of me still knew I had. The other part of the equation, Trevor talking to Jamie even when I’d asked him not to, that part I just couldn’t get past. I’d trusted him and he shot that trust all to hell. I let out a small gasp when a piece to all this mess clicked into place.
“I didn’t trust them. I trusted Trevor enough after a few months of whatever we were doing to tell him, but I didn’t trust Ethan or Jamie to understand where I was coming from. Fuck, Claire. I even yelled at Ethan. He was going on and on about what a shit Trevor is, and I just lost it.”
She reached across the table and patted my hand. “It’ll all work out. Like I said before, it only feels like it’s the end of the world. So, we’ve established your parents are pieces of shit who don’t deserve you, but that’s their fault, not yours. It sucks about not being able to see your brother and sister anymore, but the here and now isn’t always the here and now, Tyler. Give it some time. It may take a few years, but they won’t be under your parents’ roof forever. You’ll see them again and then it can be on your terms, not your parents’. As for Ethan and Jamie, I have a newsflash for you. They’re not perfect. We both worship E and Jamie—and I swear to God I will kick your scrawny little ass if you ever tell them I said that—but they fuck up, too. Look at how long it took for them to realize they should be together. Yeah. So not perfect. As for Trevor? I’m not sure what to tell you about him. Hookup or not, you obviously care about him, otherwise you wouldn’t be so hurt about this. Ultimately, though, you’re old enough to make your own decisions about who you date and who you let into your bed.”
Claire laughed at the same time I felt my face flush with heat. “God, Claire. I can’t believe we’re talking about this.”
“Suck it up, buttercup. Ethan and Jamie would have fucked this conversation up ten ways to Sunday, so you’re stuck with me. If I can handle living with them for a semester and dealing with ass prints on the fridge, and the coffee table, and the bathroom mirror, I can deal with talking about sex with you.”
My eyes darted to the fridge and I made a mental note to bring some of the industrial-strength surface cleaner from the restaurant. Claire ignored my panicked glances at the now-tainted appliance and continued.
“Look, I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but even though Trevor and Jamie grew up the same way, they’re as different as night and day. Before his parents disowned him, Jamie never flashed his money around or lorded his status over anyone. He just wanted people to be around him for him. Not because his parents were rich. He wasn’t a rich jerk because he knew what it felt like to be lonely, but he wasn’t willing to sell his soul to buy friends. From what Jamie has told me, Trevor grew up with more money than Jamie’s parents had, but he was normal. Had a normal family who accepted him for who he was and a normal childhood. I’m not saying he’s not a self-important, egotistical ass—not to quote E or anything—but he didn’t have the same kind of issues we had to deal with, growing up with parents who really weren’t parents.”
Ethan and Claire rarely talked about their parents. Ethan’s dad had turned to drinking and had abandoned them when times had gotten tough. His mom tried, but from everything I’d heard, she was rarely home, leaving Ethan and Claire to take care of themselves. It was a wonder they hadn’t ended up on the streets like I had.
“Hey, we all turned out okay, shitty parents and all. But Trevor never had to worry about where his next meal was coming from or if his mom and dad would be there when he got home at night. And yeah, he can be a dick with an attitude the size of Texas, but when it mattered, Trevor did the right thing. He could have made things hard for the guys, but he didn’t. He’s not a bad guy. He’s just a spoiled brat who’s never had to work for anything in life. Hell, Jamie made being an agent easy for him. He’s what, ten years older than you are, right? But because of what you’ve gone through, you’re ten years more mature than he is. I don’t know if you still want him, Lord knows none of us would be upset if you didn’t, but if you really do want to make this work with him, you have to remember you’re worth him having to work his ass off to deserve you.”
“The problem is, I don’t know what I want.”
“Oh honey, that’s normal. Sometimes what our head wants isn’t what our heart wants, and don’t even get me started on what our bodies want. But that’s a different talk and I’m pretty sure the image of Jamie’s ass prints on the fridge have scarred you enough for today. All I’m saying is I know people have let you down and kicked you to the curb. But you’ve got to trust me when I say you deserve so much better. Ethan, Jamie and I love you. Enrique’s family adores you. Everyone at Bistro 30 thinks you work too hard and you need to take more days off than you do, but even they will be sad to see you
go if you decide to leave the kitchen. None of that means anything, though, unless you believe it yourself. You have to believe you’re worth all that love and admiration or nothing will change. If Trevor really wants you, he has to believe you’re worth putting first and maybe for the first time in his life, he’ll have to work to make someone other than himself happy.”
“It’s a lot to think about, but thanks, Claire. For everything.”
She squeezed my hand one last time. “Anytime. Trust me, you’re way easier to talk to than my idiot brother. Thank God he has Jamie now to talk some sense in him. I was getting to the point where I wanted to start charging him for my services.”
Claire winked at me, then got up and began cleaning the kitchen. We worked side by side until the food was put away and the kitchen was spotless. Before she gathered her bags, she patted the fridge and laughed, reminding me again to make a mental list of everything I needed to wipe down in the apartment after she left.
When we got to the door, she rose up on her toes and pulled my head down to place a gentle kiss on my forehead.
“I’m only a call or text away, but please, for the love of God, call E and Jamie. They’re freaking out. And as much as I love antagonizing them, if you don’t call, they’ll keep calling me and I actually do have some work to do today.”
Without waiting for a response, Claire walked out the door, leaving me once again alone in my apartment. With my mind reeling from our talk, I made my way into my living room and sank down on my futon. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do about Trevor, but I did agree with Claire on needing to make some changes. For so long, I’d been afraid to want things for myself. I knew it wasn’t right, but after my parents kicked me out, I felt as if I didn’t deserve to be happy. Alive? Sure. Fed and clothed, also a necessity. But happy? I’d given up the thought of being happy when I realized my own family thought I was an abomination. After my talk with Claire, though, I realized that had to change.
I picked up my phone and typed out an overdue text.
In the Distance Page 24
