“You heard me,” her father said in an even tone. “Get off my property.”
Reality suddenly rushed in to fill the brief, pleasant void caused by sleep and the warm beams of sunshine. Her hands moved to her abdomen. Empty. The events of yesterday came rushing back, all of them, in all their sad detail. Her baby, lost. Roman’s panicked face. The feeling of bad going to worse. The day had started out so innocently, so normally, but within a matter of hours, everything had changed.
Her father had driven her home around nine last night. She’d still been a little groggy from the drugs. Roman had wanted to stay, but her father wouldn’t hear of it. But he was back now, and from the sound of it, things weren’t going well.
“I’m not leaving, sir. I love your daughter. I want to marry her.”
That made tears well up. Oh, Roman. Even in the depths of all this despair, he was the light in the darkness, her strength. She wanted him, too, with all her heart. She needed him. Only he could understand the smothering blanket of grief, the hollowness.
Despite everything, she’d wanted their baby. That part of him and part of her that she’d imagined endlessly for hours on end. Whose eyes would she or he have? Whose tiny fingers and toes? Now there would be no baby. But that brought no relief. Only sorrow.
“Marry her?” Vito let out a grunt. “Eighteen years old and you’re going to marry my daughter.” She imagined her father shaking his head in disgust, as he’d done many a time over these past nearly five months. “No money, no job, no nothing.”
“Please,” Roman said. “Let me see Bella.”
Bella got out of bed and grabbed her robe, forgetting for a moment that she wasn’t able to run. Discomfort in her abdomen and cramping prevented her from rushing, but she did okay walking. By the time she made it to the front porch, they were yelling again.
“You can’t stop me from seeing her. I—”
Her father was standing on the porch, hands on hips. Roman was a few feet away, his foot propped on the bottom step, looking agitated, ready to run past her father and break into the house if necessary.
Bella touched her father on the back. She would be calm, and tempers would cool. If anything, the fact that she’d just gotten out of the hospital would soothe her father. And now that there would be no baby, maybe he could forgive her. Sad that that was the only positive thing she could think of right now. “I’m here, Dad. It’s okay, Roman. I’m glad you came, I—”
Her father turned toward her. When she saw his face, hope was crushed. His thick brows were knit down deeply, and his eyes held a mixture of pain and fury. “I’ve held my tongue about him these past months; I’ve tolerated him coming around here. But now I must speak.”
“No, Dad,” she said softly. “Please don’t. We don’t have to talk about this today. We don’t ha—”
“He’s no longer welcome here. He comes back here at his own risk.”
Bella closed her eyes. She wished for the millionth time that her mother was here, who was so much calmer, who would never react out of such anger. At that moment, Bella felt her loss so acutely her chest ached. Her mother would have brought her up a tray, smoothed her hair back, told her that in this terrible mess, everything was somehow going to work out all right. She longed to hear that. That everything that had happened wasn’t so horrific. That she hadn’t disappointed her father beyond repair. That life would go on, and all the anguish would be forgotten.
“It’s okay, Bella,” Roman said, sensing her despair. “It’s going to be okay.” She loved him for saying that, for being here, for standing up to her father. Just then he looked at Vito, who stood at least six inches shorter. “I’m not staying away from her, sir.”
Bella shook her head, trying to signal to Roman to back down for now. He was trying so hard to be respectful. But he didn’t understand what he was dealing with. Her father was passionate and fiery and completely old school. His family had generations of a confusing history of feuds and vendettas, cousins they spoke to and others who were no longer considered part of the family.
Bella knew from her father’s tone that he’d meant what he’d just said. He blamed Roman for getting her pregnant, and nothing was going to change his mind. He’d endured him these past months because of the baby, but now his plan was to get rid of Roman for good.
In that instant, she hated her father. She’d spent the past months doing everything she could to please him. She’d tried apologizing, pleading, even, but he’d cold-shouldered her for months. If it weren’t for Joey, Bella swore she’d step off this porch right now and never return.
Why couldn’t she have a father who could reason and be rational? Marjorie wasn’t prone to flying off the handle. She’d supported her son through this, and had helped Bella, too.
“Go back inside, Bella,” her father said. “I’ll bring you some breakfast.” He turned to Roman. “You can leave now and let her rest.”
“Fine.” Roman looked straight at her. “I’ll leave for now. But I’ll be back.” He turned to Vito, his fists balled, his jaw set into a tense line. “No matter how much you might want to, you can’t keep us apart.”
Late that evening, Roman showed up at Bella’s bedroom window. As soon as he’d climbed over her sill, she’d grasped him with all her strength, hugging him and holding on tight. As if that could keep him here. As if that would change what she had to do.
Her father hadn’t wasted any time laying down the law. His words from earlier that day echoed in her head. Harsh, horrible words. You marry him, you have no family, understand? You go with him, I’m done with you for good. You’re no longer my daughter. He meant it. She knew he did. And she couldn’t bear to be cut off from Joey. She could never do that to an innocent little boy who’d already lost his mother.
Her grief knifed her over and over. With their baby gone, the only spot of happiness in the hell of these past months had been snuffed out. And with that went their future. She would never survive it without him. But what other choice did she have?
“Come with me, Bella,” Roman said, looking at her intently. “Tonight.”
Oh, how could she bear to tell him? Before she could answer, he pulled out a box. He dropped to one knee and took her hand in his. “Marry me, Bella. I love you; I’ll always love you. We can make a life together.”
She looked from his face, so sincere, so young, to the ring. It was gold, with a small diamond surrounded by a circle of tiny diamond chips. She loved it immediately because she loved him and what he was trying to do for her. For them.
For a long time, she didn’t speak. She wished she could draw this moment out forever, to bask in the knowledge that he loved her, baby or no baby. She reached out and touched his cheek. Her hand was trembling as she traced his strong brow line, the square edge of his jaw. Then she dropped to her knees beside him and held his hands tightly.
“Roman, I can’t marry you.” She bit down on her lip. She had to get through this. A voice in her head screamed, Of course you can marry him! You love him! He’s the one! But she blocked it out. She knew what she had to do.
“Bella, I know your father is crazy, but I don’t think he’d really kill me.”
He was trying to make her laugh. Even now, and that made her want to cry even more. “Listen to me, Roman,” she said, grabbing his sleeve. “I can’t go with you.”
“What do you mean? Are you sick? Is it too soon?”
Despair rolled over her in waves. She wanted to tell him how unbearably sorry she was. Maybe if she hadn’t worried so much, or worked so much, or gotten more rest . . . maybe it was all her fault.
Tears rolled down her face, and Bella hid against his chest so he wouldn’t see. She clutched his shirt. God, he smelled so good, even though it was just soap and . . . Roman. Familiar, comforting. Oh, how could she ever let him go? She couldn’t. She loved him too much. It would kill her, and if it didn’t, staying here in this stupid, stupid town would for sure.
She had to turn away to compose herself. To
ok a deep breath. She couldn’t do it, lie and rip apart everything they had, but what else could she do? She knew with every fiber of her being that he loved her, that he would never leave her. He would stay in Mirror Lake with her. And not attend brewing school or fulfill his dream of making his grandfather’s orchards into something unique and different.
Even if he left for school and she stayed, there would be no sneaking around when he came home on breaks. She’d never seen her father so angry, never seen him give such an ultimatum. Unless she ran away for good and left her family behind, she was as cornered as a squirrel in a hunter’s trap.
“I—I’ve been thinking, Roman. Now that there’s no baby, there’s no rush for us to do anything . . . hasty.” The words stuck in her throat. She could barely force them out. No baby. Oh, she’d wanted that baby. She’d wanted them to be a family. She was never going to get through this. She needed him. He was the only one who understood the heartache. How would she face all this black, gaping grief alone?
“This isn’t hasty, Bella. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.” He grabbed her other hand, too, and she swore the skin where he touched her burned. Oh, if she could just do this quickly and get it over with. But how could she ever do it? It was like ripping her own heart out of her chest and crushing it. “I’m completely in love with you. We get along great and we just—get each other. I know people say first love can’t last, but, Bella, it can with us. I know it can.”
“Roman, I know you want to swoop in and take me away from here, but I’ve got responsibilities. I—I can’t go with you.”
“Joey’s your brother, not your son, Bella. And he’s only six. Surely your family doesn’t expect you to devote another ten years of your life to raising him. Besides, Gina’s close by. He’ll be all right without you.”
She shook her head. “No, you don’t understand. I promised my mother—”
“Bella, this is your chance to get away. You’ve put up with enough with your father. There’s no reason for you to stay—”
“Listen, Roman. I want to go to college. I don’t want to scrape and scrimp and suffer to make it. You know how it’s going to be. We’ll just end up hating one another. No one gets married at eighteen and has it last.”
“Bella, I know we can make this work. I can’t promise it will always be easy, but . . .”
“I’m not going. I—I’m sorry, Roman.”
“Don’t you love me?”
Oh God. How much more of this could she take before she shattered into a million pieces?
“Now that I lost the baby, things are—different. I want to know what it feels like to be young again. I don’t want to be chained down with responsibilities and struggling on our own. I’m sorry the pregnancy happened, but now that it’s over I need some . . . freedom.” She’d barely managed to choke out that word.
“This is your father talking, isn’t it?”
“No! It—it’s just that I’ve been through a lot in the past few months, and I think we should take a break.”
“A break? What are you talking about?”
“It’s been a difficult time for both of us. I need some time apart.”
“Are you—are you breaking up with me?”
“I guess I am. I think it’s for the best.”
“Bella, no. It’s been a difficult week. It’s too soon to—”
“I’m not going with you, Roman. I’m sorry.” A dry, dead lump clogged her airway. Hot tears gathered behind her eyes, searing their way out. She turned away, barely holding it together.
Finally, finally, he left through the window. Finally, she shut it. Shut him out. And finally she could cry.
He didn’t give up easily. He called and sent letters she didn’t answer, until at last in midsummer, he left for basic training.
She told herself she’d done the right thing. He’d escaped town. He went to start his life. At least one of them should be free to do so.
Joey grew up, and she commuted the hour to UConn for a psychology degree while continuing to work full time. Being as busy as she could bear was the only way she’d survived losing him.
Roman never came back for his ring. For a long time, she kept it on a thin chain around her neck, tucked under her shirt. It was the only thing she had left of him. She fantasized that he’d return, would eventually figure out that she was lying, would break her down and force out the truth that she could not say. And she hoped that, in time, her father would mellow. That all of this would be temporary, and that, soon enough, she and Roman would work things out.
But time told Bella what her Shining knew all along: Roman Spikonos had left Mirror Lake for good.
CHAPTER 9
“I think they might be too much,” Bella said, looking down at the red half-calf cowboy boots she wore with her denim dress, a cute blue-and-white scarf tied fashionably about her neck, thanks to the efforts of her friends. Those friends now examined her boots from their seats at a booth at MacNamara’s, the quaint local bar that was owned by Maggie’s family and frequented more by locals than tourists. It was moderately crowded on a Friday night, a small crowd hanging out around the big flat screen watching the Yankees game.
“What makes you think that?” Sam asked as she moved her glass while Scott MacNamara placed a pitcher of margaritas on the table. He acknowledged them all with a brief nod, more interested in the game than making conversation. He did bestow a special sibling shoulder punch on Maggie, his older sister, to which she said, “Hey!” and gave him a what-the-hell look as she rubbed it.
Bella shrugged. “I don’t know . . . it’s just that I’m not twenty anymore.”
“None of us are, but that’s a good thing, right?” Jess asked, clinking her glass with Maggie.
“You look adorable.” Sam, newly pregnant, was drinking water. Or trying to, as she was still pretty queasy. “It’s getting to be almost that time,” she said, glancing at her phone, which had the effect of making Bella queasy. “Operation Find Bella a Beau is about to commence. Ready with the briefing, Jess?”
“I can’t wait,” Bella’s sister Gina said, rubbing her hands together. “This is going to be so fun!”
Bella knew inviting her sister was trouble. She shouldn’t have felt sorry for her, at home with an infant, barely getting out. All she knew was that this guy had better be nice, because if anything weird happened, the story would enter family lore and Gina would never let her live it down.
“Listen up,” Jess said. “This guy I have lined up for tonight is really cute. He’s visiting from Texas, because he’s got family here.”
Bella pushed down her panic. Jess had a history of dating a string of men who could all accurately be classified as idiots, and Bella couldn’t help wondering if that propensity would be reflected in the date she’d chosen for her tonight. Recently, though, Jess had started dating a sweet physics teacher from Mirror Lake High where she taught English, and she’d fallen head over heels. Bella could only hope tonight’s guy was more like Jess’s current boyfriend than her past ones.
“How exactly do you know this guy, Jess?” Sam asked.
“Well, um, I don’t personally know him. But he’s Gertie Smith’s nephew.”
Bella’s stomach pitched. Jess didn’t personally know him? She tried to tell herself that could be a good thing.
“Wait a minute,” Maggie said. “You’re not talking about Gertie’s deadbeat nephew who ran away to Texas after he got drunk and took an equestrian’s horse for a ride in the middle of the night? Stealing someone’s horse does not make someone a cowboy!”
Jess reddened. “I didn’t know about that! Gertie told me he’d had a rough time of it but promised me he was on the straight and narrow.” Her friends stared at her. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? The pool of guys I know has shrunk a lot since I started dating Evan.
“Besides, she knows everybody in town, and I trust her judgment. Just look at all that organic produce she’s been buying lately for the grocery store. High quality, yo
u know? I figured her nephew would be nice, too.”
This is what Bella got for trusting her friends to do this for her. She should have just found someone to date privately via a dating app and used her friends to keep an eye out for stalkers, molesters, convicts, or other unsavory men instead of letting them take charge. She took another slug of her drink.
“Just give him a chance, Bells, okay?” Jess said. “Besides, you don’t necessarily need to meet the man of your dreams tonight. Just getting laid would be a good goal at this point.”
Bella glared at her friend.
“I’m just being honest. I mean, how long has it been, anyway?”
“That’s private,” Bella said, feeling her face heat to the color of her boots.
“Has there been anyone since that dweeby guy three years ago? The one from New Jersey who loved fly-fishing.”
“Hobbies are good, aren’t they?” Bella said. “Plus he was athletic.”
“Sure,” Gina tattled, “if you consider drinking a twelve-pack every Saturday while pretending to fly-fish physical activity.”
God, her sister was so annoying. At this point Bella was more than a little sorry she’d invited her out with her friends tonight. “I thought I loved him,” Bella said as her friends cast her skeptical looks. She stabbed her straw into the slush of her drink. “I did.” At least, she’d done one hell of a job trying to make herself believe that, just like she had with Ethan.
“It’s just as well,” Sam said across the table. “If you would’ve married him, you would’ve had to clean fish every weekend. Think how your house would smell.”
“It’s okay, Bella,” Gina said, patting her hand as only an older sister could. “The right guy is out there. It’s just going to take some time to find him.”
“That’s easy for you to say, Gina. You’ve known Manny since junior year of high school.”
“Everybody has their hardships. I mean, look how long it took us to get pregnant.” It had taken them a long time, eleven years to be exact, and Gina was now beside herself with joy. Bella loved Gino, her little nephew, and couldn’t be happier for her sister. It was one of the great ironies of life that Bella had become pregnant so easily while her sister had to wait over a decade.
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