by Julie Cannon
“I’m sorry.” Emily’s soft voice finally broke through the silence.
“For what?”
“For touching you that night. If I had just kept my hands to myself, you wouldn’t be in this position.” Emily was lost in her own thoughts as well. She had taken the initiative with Hayden, had made the first move, and this was the result. The realization of what she had done, what they had done, hit her hard. Hayden might be forever scarred because she couldn’t control herself.
“That’s ridiculous and you know it.” Hayden wasn’t about to let her take the blame for her current situation. “I’m a big girl. I knew exactly what I was doing.”
“But not with who you were doing it with,” Emily said. “A protester.”
Hayden disengaged herself from Emily’s arms and moved on top of her. This was a serious discussion and she wanted to look in Emily’s eyes when they talked. “It wouldn’t have mattered if you were the biggest supporter of the president’s policy. The fact is, they’re looking for a way to distance the Army from even the hint of impropriety and scandal. Parading us around like a dog-and-pony show is how they want to do it.”
“But—”
“But nothing,” Hayden interrupted. “Do I wish that Tillman and Foreman didn’t have my career by the short hairs? Of course I do. But if it wasn’t this it probably would have been something else. Foreman has been out to get me from the day I set foot on his base.” She shifted so her full weight was not on Emily and caressed her face with the back of her hand. She erased the worry lines from her forehead and around her mouth, stunned at how much she felt for her.
Emily had been there for her. Her viewpoint was different, but she had defended and supported her when she needed it most. And here she was, trying to assume the blame for what Hayden was going through. No one had ever done that for her, and Hayden never expected anyone in her life would. She was proud to know Emily and to be with her.
“You are not to blame for any of this. Do you understand? I wanted you so bad in Khao Lak. I wanted to touch you, feel you move against me, kiss you. But I was afraid you would think I was taking advantage of you. We were in horrendous conditions and the last thing on my mind should have been sex, but it was all I could think of. I felt like a dog, like I couldn’t keep it in my pants, so to speak. You deserved better than a romp in desperation.”
Emily smiled. “I meant what I said. I have no regrets.”
“I don’t regret what we did then or what we’re doing now, for one second,” Hayden said. “What I do regret is that we were thrown together in horrific circumstances and didn’t have the chance to meet in the park or on a calm beach.”
Her declaration tugged at Emily’s heart. She very easily could have let Emily take the fall for her behavior, but she didn’t. She wouldn’t let her. She had too much integrity to do that. It was at that moment Emily realized that she was deeply in love with Hayden. She, of all people: an anti-war protestor, a military-loathing woman had fallen in love with a career soldier in the U.S. Army.
Her brain scrambled to accept the idea. Hundreds of thoughts and questions bounced around in her head, each more confusing than the one before it. By loving Hayden, was she being disloyal to herself and her beliefs? Did everything she believed in have to change? Was she going to become a different person? Did she want to?
Hayden must have read the confusion on her face because she smiled and gently kissed her on the lips. “What are you thinking about?”
“Just how much you stand to lose because of us. I don’t know how you do it every day. It’s like you have to have two lives. I thought we were so far past that.” Emily was out with her family, her job, her friends. It was difficult to imagine what life would be like if she could not talk freely about her life and those who were important to her.
“Yeah, well, the Army may have the most sophisticated military technology, but it’s still in the Middle Ages about some things. It’s not that bad. Those of us that are gay know who we are, and those that aren’t gay also know who we are. It’s the worst kept secret on any base in any branch of the military. We have more important things to worry about than who is sleeping with whom. As long as nobody is getting hurt, most people look the other way.”
“Except people like Tillman.”
“And my boss, General Foreman. He’s a throwback who should have been retired ten years ago. He must know where the bodies are buried to be able to have the position he does.”
“Would you like to have his job?” Emily knew that wasn’t quite the way people got promoted in the military, but her question still made sense.
“I’ve always thought General Caldwell had a nice ring to it,” Hayden said.
The room was dark, but Emily could see the pride and dream in Hayden’s eyes when she said “General Caldwell.” She’d once had a dream like that, to achieve the pinnacle of her career. She still did, but instead of standing on the Nobel Prize podium she wanted to be standing on a podium with her first graders.
Emily ran her fingers up and down Hayden’s bare back like she was stroking the keys on a piano. She could feel Hayden’s heart beat faster with every stroke, and it wasn’t long before the smoldering look of passion returned to her eyes. Emily surged with joy that she was the one to put it there. There were hours to go before the sun peeked over the horizon, and she was going to enjoy every one of them.
Chapter Twenty
“I don’t know who you’ve been fucking, Caldwell, but you were either very good or very, very bad.”
“I’m not following, General.” Her father had not disappointed her in his criticism of the Privett interview, but Hayden had no idea what General Foreman was talking about. He had been uncharacteristically quiet since her return from Dallas. She’d gone about her business for three days, her ear to the ground waiting for the other shoe to drop. Once inside Foreman’s office she didn’t have to wait long. He started in on her the minute she crossed the threshold. For fifteen minutes he critiqued her performance, ranting and raving about what she’d said at which interview, how she’d said it, and how she looked. Finally he stopped and tossed a tan folder across the desk.
“This,” he spat out. “Your orders. You leave in a week. Now get out.”
Hayden was stunned. She had not put in for a change of assignment, nor was she due to be moved. She picked up the thick folder, executed a perfect about-face, and walked out of Foreman’s office. She didn’t stop walking until she was behind her desk. She sat down heavily in her chair, placing the folder in the middle of her desk. She sat there for several minutes looking at the file as if she could see her future through the thick cover. Her hands shook as she slid the contents onto her desk.
The word “Afghanistan” jumped off the first page and lodged in her throat. The room started spinning. She could hardly read the rest of the information on the page. She was going to Afghanistan for a three-year assignment. She couldn’t think. She couldn’t breathe. She dropped the paper, grabbing the edge of her desk for support.
She was going to Afghanistan, she repeated to herself several times, hoping that it would sink in and become real. She had been sent many places in her career, including some difficult, dangerous ones, but her reaction to this destination surprised her. She’d wanted an assignment to the Middle East, but the Army, in its infinite wisdom, had chosen to send her to Fort Tanner instead. She should be thrilled to have this opportunity to do what she was trained for, and do it in one of the most difficult situations in the world. Normally she would have been, but the room started closing in on her.
She grabbed her car keys and told a surprised Corporal Stone that she would be back later.
Hayden drove to the park and sat on the same bench she was sitting on when she saw Emily and her kids. The sun was high in the sky and a light breeze kept the day from being too hot. A man with a scraggly beard was pushing a child on a swing. A dog barked happily at his feet. Hayden glanced at her watch. She had an hour until Emily would bring her clas
s to this park after lunch.
Emily was why she was sitting here. Hayden didn’t question or hesitate over accepting any of her assignments, but she was different now, and Emily was the reason. She had purposely kept her life free of romantic entanglements for just this reason. She had seen her fellow soldiers break the hearts of the ones they left behind. Too many marriages failed under the strain of absence. She didn’t want to subject anyone to that, including herself, and she’d succeeded so far. Until now. Until Emily.
She had fallen in love with an anti-war protester. She wasn’t sure if it happened the minute she saw Emily in the water, or when she was struggling through knee-deep mud carrying a sleeping child, or when she kissed her the first time. It really didn’t matter. She’d come back from Thailand a different person than when she left because of Emily. They had a shared destiny. Why else would they have met again under such bizarre circumstances?
Emily had called her a coward. It felt like a lifetime since that quarrel. Emily had challenged Hayden over not making love to her. She’d since been proven very, very wrong. At least a dozen times wrong. But what about now? Hayden didn’t feel afraid. She had a decision to make and she was going to weigh her situation very carefully.
She’d finally read her orders from start to finish. With her deployment was a promotion to full colonel, but only if she accepted the duty. Judging by Foreman’s comment, he wasn’t the one that recommended her for the increase in rank, and she didn’t think her father had the clout to pull it off. So that only left someone higher up who wanted her quiet and out of the public eye. What better way to accomplish both than to give her the promotion she’d dreamed of as the lure to get her away from the scandal, the cameras, and Emily.
Hayden smiled. She could certainly live without the publicity. But Emily…
*
Hayden stepped inside the front door but she was too distracted to notice the shades of tan and brown, the immaculate décor or the highly polished wood floors. “Sorry I haven’t been able to see you for a couple of days. I had some things to think about.”
Emily’s heart slammed into her chest. Hayden’s entire demeanor echoed the hollowness in her voice. “Hayden, come sit down.” She led them into the living room and sat beside her on the couch. She wanted to take her hand but was afraid. “What is it?”
“I have orders to go to Afghanistan.” Hayden had rehearsed what she was going to say, and this was not it. The look of alarm in Emily’s eyes was exactly what she’d hoped to avoid, but she watched with pride as Emily fought to maintain control. “I’ll be promoted to colonel effective my first day in country.”
Emily didn’t know whether to cry for herself because Hayden was leaving or for Hayden because the promotion brought her closer to her dream. Either way she felt the prickling of tears behind her eyes. She didn’t want Hayden to see her cry over this. She swallowed the baseball that had lodged in her throat.
“I don’t know what to say. Congratulations on your promotion, I know it’s what you’ve always wanted. But I’m afraid for you in Afghanistan.” Afraid didn’t even begin to describe what she was feeling.
“I’m not going.” Hayden was barely able to say the words.
“What?” Emily couldn’t be sure she’d heard her correctly.
“I’m not going.” This time her voice was stronger.
“Why not? My God, Hayden, you’re going to be a full colonel.” Emily knew she should be thrilled that Hayden wasn’t going to a war zone, but she could not understand her decision.
Hayden looked at Emily for the first time since she came in. “I’m not going because I don’t want to leave you.”
Hayden’s words didn’t immediately sink in and Emily asked, “But if you don’t go you don’t get the promotion, right?”
Hayden nodded. “That’s how it works.”
“Oh, I get it. Is that the way they get you to go to godforsaken places? Dangle a promotion over your head?”
Emily gasped and put her hand over her mouth. What she’d just said was despicable. Hayden deserved more respect. She waited for Hayden to tear into her for the absurd comment, and when she got a soft smile instead she was totally confused.
“I said I don’t want to leave you,” Hayden repeated. “I want to see you every day. I want to be with you every day, not once a month over a scrambled video link. I don’t want to worry about you here, and I don’t want you worrying about me. At least I hope you’d worry about me.” Hayden’s smile quirked. “I love you, Emily. I’m not going because I need to be with you.”
The impact of Hayden’s words hit her and she was stunned. Hayden was giving up her dream for her. Emily couldn’t let her do that. She loved her too much to let her do that. “No, Hayden, I love you. I want you to go.”
“Emily,” Hayden began.
“No.” Emily held up a hand. “Let me finish before I change my mind. Over the past few weeks I’ve come to realize how much being a soldier means to you. It defines you. It’s who you are inside. I could never take that away from you.”
“You’re not.”
“Then why aren’t you going?”
Hayden smiled calmly. Emily was having the same difficulty with her decision as she had. But the weight of the world was lifted off her shoulders when she looked into the dark eyes staring at her.
“Because I love you and I want to be with you now, today, tomorrow, not three years from now. I’m tired of hiding in plain sight. I want to be able to walk down the street holding hands with my girl and not have to worry if I’m going to face a court martial or not. I can’t help but think that fate brought us together for something good. Why else would we have kept running into each other? Why else would we be beamed into millions of people’s homes? We’re meant to be together, and I want to be with the woman I love.”
“What are you going to do? The Army is your life.” Emily was starting to believe what Hayden was saying. She wasn’t leaving. And she loved her.
“You are my life now. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know with you by my side I can do anything. If you’ll have me.”
Saying the last few words was the scariest thing Hayden had ever done. She’d always been strong. Through her childhood, West Point, and her career. Never once showing any sign of weakness until now. She needed Emily, and she was not afraid to show it. She’d been shot at and survived all the other dangerous situations the Army put her in, but nothing was more frightening than laying herself open before the woman she loved.
Emily’s heart soared. Hayden loved her and wanted to spend the rest of her life with her. They were so different, had so many challenges to face, but she wanted to face them together. What Hayden had said was true. With Hayden by her side, she could do anything. “Was that a proposal, Colonel? Because if it wasn’t, you had better get your U.S. government–issued butt out of here until it is.”
For the first time in days Hayden started to relax. “When we were in Chicago you said something to me that I’ll never forget. It was when we were deciding if we were going on the dinner cruise. You said, ‘I’m game if you are.’ Well, Emily, I’m game if you are.”
“And I remember you asking the clerk for two tickets after that. Well,” Emily said softly lowering her head closer to Hayden’s mouth. “I’ll take two tickets to paradise.”
About the Author
Julie Cannon is a native sun goddess born and raised in Phoenix, Arizona. Her day job is in Corporate America and her nights are spent bringing to life the stories that bounce around in her head throughout the day. Julie and her partner Laura have been together for sixteen years and spend their weekends camping, or lounging around the pool with their two kids.
Julie has selections in Erotic Interludes 4: Extreme Passions and Erotic Interludes 5: Road Games. She is the author of Come and Get Me, Heart 2 Heart, Heartland, Uncharted Passage, and Just Business (2009), all published by Bold Strokes Books.
Visit Julie online at www.juliecannon.com.
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